Limitless Female
Limitless Female
134. Expectation Vs. Reality: helping your kids with dissapointment
If you're like me, then raising entitled kids is one of your biggest fears. This worry creeps into my parenting and seems to bring out the worst in me. You also may have noticed that the methods you are currently using aren't very effective at creating grateful children.
In general, your dissapointment in their lack of gratitude doesn't feel great.
Well, I've got you.. I'm sharing some simple mind shifts to create big change in both you and your kiddos.
interested in SHIFT? Want a free call with EMYLEE? Grab a spot for a free call here
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https://hernextstep.limitlessfemalecoaching.com/landing-page-her-next-step
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@Limitlessfemale
Hi, I'm Emily with the Limitless Female Podcast. You are listening to episode 134, expectations Versus Reality Woman, welcome. If you're a mama who is feeling all the feels of motherhood the ups and downs of hormones and maybe even depression then you are in the right place. Limitless Female is your confident inner voice, helping you master your mood and create the epic life that calls you. My goal is to show you just how enough you are, so you can show up limitless in your own life. Let's get started. Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Limitless Female Podcast. If you are new here, welcome. I'm so excited you have found us. If you are a return listener, you guys, I have missed you.
Speaker 1:If you're wondering where I have been, you guys, this summer was the time when I felt like I just needed to be with my kids. There has been times in my life that I definitely felt like I need me time, I need my own hobbies, I need to work, I need a babysitter, like it is time for me to grow. This summer was not that summer. We found out in May that we were moving to Dallas and I told my kids this is going to be a yes summer. And of course they throw out like, okay, then give me a hundred dollars and I'm like, no, it's not that kind of yes, summer, right within reason. But I was all in so we threw parties and we had the youth over and we just had a really good time. And then we moved to Dallas and we are in a rental and all our stuff is in storage and we are renovating and so it's been a little bit while, but I told myself this fall I'm going to get back on the podcast Shift. My group coaching membership has been going strong all summer, but I put the podcast on hold and I am back. I am back to consistently show up because it means the world when you guys send me an email or a comment on the podcast or leave a review telling me about when you heard something on the podcast or that you were running and you helped you with this in your life or that in your life. You do not know how much that means to me and what you guys have given me by allowing me to express my passion for emotional health along with giving you guys tools to really help you with your mood and your life. It's been such a blessing. I'm grateful for you guys. You guys are awesome. I truly love being in your ear. I hope you guys are, you know, feeling some lift, some joy as you listen to the podcast, no matter what you're doing, and that it is something that really encourages you to have the day you were meant to have, you know.
Speaker 1:So today we are talking about unmet expectations, because we had a lot of those. I had a lot of expectations for my life. I had a lot of expectations for my life. I had a lot of expectations for my year. Okay, for my move, for my new custom home that we designed. We had only lived in it for two years and six months when we found out we were moving to Dallas. It was not the plan. Okay, I had expectations of hosting parties there and my kids growing up there. I had expectations of putting in a pool and, you know, of putting down roots and Spring Branch being where we lived forever.
Speaker 1:I loved it there. There's zero traffic. It's like this hometown feel. There's so much high school football, pride and just the kindest people. We would go to the football games and the elementary school teachers. I would look around and I knew everybody around me and I couldn't believe it, because it's such a huge high school, but, like everybody around me was, like my child's teacher, the lady at the front desk at the office. They're just I'm going to miss them terribly.
Speaker 1:I loved it there, um, and I loved the weather. I just just it's so strange, you guys, if you go back and listen to the podcast like podcast I don't know, one through 20, I'm probably just talking to you about how much thought work I have put in around liking living in Texas. And now listen to me, and I am obsessed with Texas. I am so grateful, though, that our move has been to Dallas and not outside of Texas, because there are so many things I love about Texas. There are so many neat traditions, there's so many neat just things that really make you feel rooted right, make your kids feel like I am a Texan, like I belong here. This is home. I'm so excited to do the mom thing. It's like this huge kind of ribbon thing you put on your child that has, like all the sports, they're in academic things. They've won their instrument, um, you can be given one if you get asked to homecoming or if you're on a team. I don't't know, I'm still learning, but I'm very excited that we get to stay in Texas because I love it and now we live in this town that all the schools have the same colors, all of the schools have the same mascot. It's kind of like one school but four campuses and like it's just insane. You guys, it's the cutest place. I'm not going to say it because I don't tell everybody. Like you know the city I live in, but it is like right near Dallas and it's just adorable and I'm really excited.
Speaker 1:So there were a lot of expectations that we had for San Antonio, for Spring Branch, texas okay, and they weren't all met. There was some disappointment. But the place that comes to my mind the most when it comes to disappointment is me watching my children be disappointed, and I know a lot of you have had similar experiences to me about not wanting your kids to experience disappointment. The thing I was scared about the most with the move is that my kids would experience negative emotion, that they would have a lot, it would take them a long time to make friends, they'd be disappointed in us as parents, that why couldn't we figure out a way to stay there longer? All kinds of things like that. Right? So I've been paying attention a lot to like my kids' disappointment.
Speaker 1:But let me reel this into something really relatable. Y'all have been on social media. Even if you despise social media, I know you guys have seen influencers do expectations versus reality. I want you to think about the fitness guru woman who does a side-by-side photo. One photo she is in perfect window lighting. She has her shorts up high, you know high-waisted, and they have like that V in the front and her abs are highlighted and her leg skin looks smooth and her booty pops in the shorts right. And then next to it she puts a picture and she puts the word reality and she has the top of her shorts rolled down. You can see she's got the mom pooch, just like me and you. You can see she's got like some cellulite, right.
Speaker 1:And so they do this for us, right, reality versus expectation, because they don't want us to feel disappointed in our own reality, right, it's so kind of them. And you guys, we really do like this expectation they give us. You know we gravitate towards expectation. We want to see the fitness guru looking amazing in her shorts because we like the way it looks. It inspires us, we are excited about it. We think, okay, I can do that, she can do that I can do that right. So I just want you guys to know we do appreciate people setting expectations for us, but also we don't want to be disappointed. So in case we're not there yet, they give us a picture of reality that they also aren't there yet all the time, every day, right?
Speaker 1:Then we have these, like you know, beige mom, beige baby influencers that have these beautiful, neutral looking homes designed by Shea McGee and they're just gorgeous and there's no, you know, primary colors and everything's just like matching and neutral and calm. And then they show you a picture like reality and they go and they turn to right and left where the camera isn't situated and you see, like all their laundry on the couch and you see all the kids, toys and everything that they need in life that functions. That's not perfectly beautiful, okay, and if anybody understands how that we need functional stuff, it's me, because in my last house that I designed with my husband, I literally said to the general contractor I don't care about function, it's all about form, like it's about design. So much to the point that I asked for concrete stairs. I wanted that like lived in stone feel and I was like, how about concrete stairs? And now I'm thinking back like that was a terrible idea. Concrete stairs, like one fall, one trip and that's it. Lights out, it's over, you know. So I've learned there needs to be some function involved.
Speaker 1:But with that last house I was like my kids are grown, like I even bought a white couch. I was just like no, they're not babies anymore, I don't need to worry about them smearing their Cheeto fingers everywhere, like, let's do it. White couch. You guys, that white couch lasted about four days in my house. I sent it back so quick because I did not want to lose money on it and then it took me like months and months to get a new couch. But no, I am not ready for a white couch and concrete stairs, it turns out, you know.
Speaker 1:So we appreciate these influencers for showing us expectation versus reality, what we can truly expect for our own homes. Even though we love looking at this expectation and aspiring for this monotoned, always put together, perfectly cleaned and designed home. We love looking at it. We don't want to experience disappointment. So thanks every once in a while for showing us that your house actually doesn't look like that either.
Speaker 1:Okay, so it's kind of like this gentle balance of inspire me, but don't make me feel horrible. Right, inspire me, but don't disappoint me. And I have found this to be the same struggle with my kids, because I am always telling them like you can make as much money as you want. Like it's limitless. You should have your own company. Don't go work for somebody. Don't go work at Waterbrooker. You can have make as much money as you want. Like it's limitless, you should have your own company. Don't go work for somebody. Don't go work at Waterbrooker. You can have make as much money as you want. Like, open your mind, the sky is the limit, right. And then in the next breath, I'm like you have so much you should want for nothing. Um, like the reality is you don't need anything. It's this balance right between inspire me, but also don't leave me disappointed.
Speaker 1:So I have been noticing in my own kids that there's a lot of disappointment and that I was trying so hard not to have them feel disappointed and instead of doing what I tell my clients to do, which is teach them how to feel disappointment, teach them why disappointment is not a problem, show them how to move through it and show them where disappointment is actually coming from, instead of that, I found myself doing these things. Okay, number one I was trying to preempt the disappointment. I was lowering their expectations. I was like, all right, so I got you this gift. But I just want to first say that you know, I got it off Poshmark. It is used, but you know it's new, without the tags.
Speaker 1:Right, giving disclaimers so that they wouldn't have to even experience disappointment in the first time. Let's just right, preempt, let's set correct expectations, let's not inspire, let's not excite, let's give them realism and reality. Okay, but I realized by doing this I was constantly creating a scarcity mindset, right, I was also like setting them up, for you shouldn't be excited about this, this thing that I'm giving you, it's not that great, right? So sometimes, when we try to temper our kids' disappointment, we're also kind of putting them on the path to feel all these lukewarm emotions Like don't actually get excited, don't be too happy, because it's just going to be this good, you guys, there has to be both high and low emotions. I hate to say positive and negative, because I feel like all emotions are positive and worthwhile, but there have to be both high and low emotions and it was not really serving my kids or me to be like, hey, don't get too excited, this isn't that great of a gift, okay, I don't even know that it tempered their disappointment, it just brought the disappointment on early, okay.
Speaker 1:Another thing I found myself doing was trying to avoid disappointment altogether. I'm like I'd be shopping on Facebook marketplace and I'd be like I'm going to show them I'm going to find all the stuff, like all the brands. They want, everything they need Stanley Lululemon, right, like the newest football glove, but I'm going to find it at a price I can afford. But they're never going to know and I'm going to blow their minds right and they're going to feel so good and they're going to feel so happy, putting so much emphasis on this circumstance to create their mood. Okay, so I would look all over Facebook marketplace trying to avoid disappointment altogether. Okay.
Speaker 1:Another thing I was doing was trying to manage the disappointment correct. Okay, by telling them right after they open the present, or after I give them the thing, or when they're feeling some scarcity or like they want something. Telling them they have so much, they need nothing. They should want for nothing. Okay, and I was listening this weekend to Jodi Moore's podcast. I can't remember which one, but she talks about how we should want instead of need. How wanting is so much better and comes from a place of abundance, while need comes from a place of scarcity. And I was.
Speaker 1:I had to like let that sit for a second, because when we need something, it means that we are short on it right now. So by telling my kids all the time, you know that's not a need, that's a want, guess what they need to do? They justify to me why it's a need. So I push them into the scarcity mindset. Well, you don't need that, you just want that. You have so much. Other people don't have that much. They push back by figuring out why it's a need, and they do that by looking at their life and seeing where they are missing, what they are lacking.
Speaker 1:It creates this scarcity mindset, whereas when we encourage want like hey, you do want that and that's great, you can want that. It comes from a place of abundance. It's like, well, you don't need that, but you want that and it's great to want. That is a good enough reason to ask me for a Stanley. Just because you want it, it doesn't mean I can afford it or that I need to buy it, you guys, but just allowing your kids to want and want to be a good enough reason for you or your kids or anybody to get something for themselves. To go after a goal, to buy something, to purchase a program, just because you want to, will keep you out of scarcity and keep you in abundance. And you know what happens when they can't afford it right then. But you're like no, you can totally want it, I'm not going to buy it for you, you can pay for it, but I love that for you. You should want it, you should totally go after it. Guess what happens when they can't afford it right then it's not a big deal because they don't need it, they just want it right, instead of constantly putting them in the scarcity mindset by telling them no, you don't need it, and then they will figure out a way to justify that they do need it. Does that make sense, y'all? Okay, stay with me.
Speaker 1:I also found myself and this is what I do the most with my kids' disappointment is I resist it. Usually, when we're resisting an emotion or a circumstance, it's with our thoughts. It's all the things I'm thinking right that are in resistance to what is, and you know you are resisting something. When you feel frustrated, frustrated is the red flag, for you are in opposition to a circumstance in your life or a feeling in your life, right? I don't want to feel disappointment. I don't want them to feel disappointment. So instead I'm going to feel frustrated and all my thoughts are making me feel frustrated not my child's disappointment, okay. So they are thoughts like they should be grateful. This should be enough. They should appreciate this. They should see all that they have. They have more than others. This isn't okay.
Speaker 1:Behavior Like they don't understand. They should understand. They should be different than they are. They should feel different than they are. Right. All the shoulds that are different than reality, because the truth is they don't. I don't know how they feel and think, but they aren't expressing gratitude, right? Or they aren't saying that they are happy, or they aren't saying thank you. That's the reality. When I think they should be doing those things, I'm in opposition to what is and I feel frustrated, and that is the red flag that you are resisting emotion. So I noticed I'm working really hard over time in order to not have my child feel disappointed, but what I came to as I was writing this episode was what I really need to do was manage my own disappointment, my disappointment that my kids were different than I thought they should be, that they were behaving in a way that they thought they should be. And, you guys, disappointment comes from a place of having an expectation that is not met right, which is why I called this unmet expectations. Okay, and I talk about disappointment in a different episode with the podcaster, kurt Francom, who has the Leading Saints podcast. You guys check it out. I will link it below, but I did an episode with him and we talked about can God be disappointed in you and I'm bringing this up because God is our father Okay, and heads up.
Speaker 1:I bring my version of religion into a lot of my podcasts because I don't know how not to. It's so integrated into who I am. But you can bring whatever you believe into it, right? You can replace God with the universe or your conscience or your higher brain. What does God expect of you? Right, and can he be disappointed in you? Can he have unmet expectations? Okay, and one of the great things that I realized when talking with Kurt Francom was that God does not have unmet expectations of you, because he provided a savior knowing that you would not hit all the marks 100%, knowing that you would fail, that you would sin, have negative emotion, make decisions that are not quote on the right path right, make decisions that give you twists and turns. He purposely provided a Savior, not as a backup plan. It was always the plan and extremely intentional that you make choices that you must learn from okay. Extremely intentional. So God cannot be disappointed in you because he never had unrealistic expectations of you. He always knew you would be who you are.
Speaker 1:And so when we feel disappointed in the behavior of our kids, in the reaction of our kids, it is because we have an expectation of them that is inaccurate. It is because we have an expectation of them that is inaccurate, it's not because they need to live up to our expectations. I mean, I think a lot of us that feels wrong, like no, we should have an expectation that they need to live up to. But how is it working for you right now? Is having an expectation for them that they need to live up to, making them better? Because when I have an expectation of my child like they must, they are expected to get A's okay and not make a mistake and not get C's. When I have that expectation and they get a C, I might feel disappointed. Okay, I don't mind feeling disappointed, but I don't think it's the most useful emotion for me. I don't think disappointment is going to aid me in being my best parent self.
Speaker 1:When showing up in the conversation with my child, I would much rather be curious If they get a C. I'd much rather be curious like huh. I wonder why they got a C, because I want to know. Is it because they learn differently? Is it because they're not interested in that subject? Is it because they're struggling with their mental health? Is it because their teacher doesn't like them? Is it because they're not trying? I mean, there's a million reasons to get a C versus an A that aren't just they don't want to get an A right Like that, they just want a C. I think that's almost never the reason. Oh, I wanted to get a C. I don't think that's ever the reason, right?
Speaker 1:So when we're talking about expectations, what we're really talking about is a manual. We haven't talked about this in a long time, but a manual is a script or a definition or an expectation we have for something or a person in our lives. Okay, it's like a rule book we have for them and we think that it serves in helping them stay up to par with those rules, but the truth is it only leads us to disappointment. But the truth is it only leads us to disappointment. It only leads us to feeling sad or frustrated with what is. Instead of having this rule book for people that just leads me disappointed and them feeling like they're not enough, which is never going to serve them in. It's never going to inspire people. You guys, telling somebody they're not enough is never going to inspire, which is why influencers show you what you could do, but also what's real right, because to inspire also means there has to be compassion. It has to be like this compassionate motivator. Right, nobody ever did bad sorry, did better with a negative motivation. It's a short-term win. Having a coach tell you you suck work harder only lasts so long until the person is burnt out, because they are not working with emotion. That's fueling them. They're working against emotion. That is slowing them down, which is why people run into burnout, which is why athletes run into burnout.
Speaker 1:So, finally, I want to wrap this up by explaining that if you feel a lot of disappointment around the way your kids receive what you give them, or if you're frustrated that they are disappointed and you're constantly trying to manage their disappointment. I want you to remember that the kids in your life, your children are the circumstance in your life. Okay, you don't need to manage their emotion and their experience of your gifts in order to improve your experience of life and of the gift giving. The real problem is never the circumstance, it's not your kids, it's not the way they receive your love, it's not the way they receive your gifts and your time and your energy. That is never actually the problem.
Speaker 1:The real problem is what you make it mean. When you believe they should act a certain way or you have an expectation, right, you're always going to lose. I told this to my child the other day. I said when you fight with reality, you always lose. So if your child receives your time in a certain way, by telling you you don't give it enough or you're never available or you're always late to pick them up, this is not the real problem.
Speaker 1:The real problem is that you believe they should be presently different than they are and so now you're disappointed and instead of spending energy trying to manage your kid's disappointment by preempting the gift and telling them it's not that great, and bring them into reality and maybe managing their expectations or telling them they should be more grateful. I want you to focus more on your disappointment in them. I want you to bring it to you. Okay, we don't do this by shaming ourselves. We do it by recognizing the actual present. So, okay, I'm disappointed in my kids and this is how they are. I don't know how they should be, but this is exactly how they are. This is exactly what they said, and then have compassion and just be observant and then say, okay, what next? What could I do tomorrow? How could I encourage more abundance and less scarcity? How could I expect something different? Why do I keep expecting something different from my teenagers, who are still learning about gratitude and abundance and communication, something that I, as an adult, still have not fully mastered? We gotta give our kids sometimes a little more grace by looking within and being like am I good at that? You know, because maybe we're not. We're not so good at that.
Speaker 1:All right, you guys, I hope you love this episode. It's so good to be back with you. If there's something that you guys want to hear on the podcast, please email me at limitlessfemale at gmailcom. Check below for the link to any podcasts I listed and talked about in the podcast and for a link to my membership or any freebies below. All right, you guys, I hope you have an amazing week. If you have questions about anything you've learned here on the podcast or want help with something going on in your own life, hop on a free coaching call with me. In just 30 minutes you'll have real tools for your unique situation. Go to limitlessfemalecoachingcom. Forward slash work with me, or you can find a link in the show notes below. Spots are limited, so grab one before you miss it.