Bulimia Wasn't a Willpower Problem - It Was a Biology Problem

In this episode, Paige Gordon shares her personal journey with bulimia, treatment resistance, and how understanding the biology behind mental health conditions can lead to better treatment options. Her story highlights the importance of curiosity, compassion, and innovation in mental health care.

See you tomorrow a 4:00 AM EST for the full show. 

In the mean time, enjoy this preview and remember, you are never alone.

Transcript

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I was really sick for a long time. Before I started binging and purging when I was eighteen. I'm forty four now. And I've been in recovery for about four years. So there is hope. Recovery is possible. But before I had bulimia, I can take you back to when I was eleven where I first started binging. And I remember binging on a bag of Oreos and I don't really know why I did it, but I did. And that cycle repeated uninterrupted until I was in high school and I got my driver's license. And like the most exciting thing about getting my driver's license to me was that I could go eat. In retrospect, that wasn't normal. But that's what's so tricky about mental illness, is you don't really have a comparison point, right? All you have is your own brain and what you you're doing. And so you might have some clues that what you're doing is abnormal, but it's all you have is your own brain. And so I didn't totally know. But I quickly gained a lot of weight, which in and of itself isn't a problem. But for me, that was a symptom of my binge eating. Right. And uh binge eating disorder at that time in the 90s wasn't in the DSM. So I was a I was ahead, ahead of the curve. And so no one knew what was wrong with me. And so unfortunately, I turned to bulimia. And at first, purging was a choice, and it was a a way to deal with this insatiable craving, this, I guess what people are calling food noise now. But for me at the time, I didn't know what to call it. I just knew I had this constant food chatter obsession, mostly with alter-processed food, that I couldn't stop and I started purging. And that just lasted for 22 years. I knew right away I had a problem. I did have that self-awareness, and I checked myself into what I thought was going to be the best treatment for me. I I flew myself to Johns Hopkins and I checked myself into a residential treatment program and I was treatment resistant. I hate that word. I hate that word. It's a it gives a lot of shame for all the things that I tried, and I tried all the things that were out there. I never once questioned whether or not we just maybe didn't have a full understanding of my illness. I thought I was a problem. For the longest time, I thought that I had a discipline problem and that if I just tried harder and if I had more willpower, that I could fix it. And what I've realized is I actually had a biology problem. And once I found a medication that worked for me four years ago, it really quieted my brain and then allowed my thoughts to change. I couldn't do one before the other. And so I kept on thinking that I was a failure and that I couldn't understand why nothing was working for me. And I took it personally and I just going to therapy for me almost had the opposite effect of being helpful because it just pushed me more into shame because I felt so misunderstood. I felt like what they were telling me my disease was didn't resonate for me.