In this podcast of My Inner Torch I recount a personal experience of being in a relationship for 23 years and realizing it lacks fulfillment and intimacy. I delve into the challenges of being with someone who exhibits traits of a covert narcissist, discussing the psychological impact, stress, exhaustion, and disconnection from the world. I share a recent experience of a conversation with my wife. I emphasize the difficulty of detaching from such relationships and encourage recognizing dysfunctional relationships. I also touch on experiences related to narcissistic and borderline abuse, highlighting the shift from love bombing to a ruptured relationship.
In this podcast of My Inner Torch I recount a personal experience of being in a relationship for 23 years and realizing it lacks fulfillment and intimacy. I delve into the challenges of being with someone who exhibits traits of a covert narcissist, discussing the psychological impact, stress, exhaustion, and disconnection from the world. I share a recent experience of a conversation with my wife. I emphasize the difficulty of detaching from such relationships and encourage recognizing dysfunctional relationships. I also touch on experiences related to narcissistic and borderline abuse, highlighting the shift from love bombing to a ruptured relationship.
Welcome to My Inner Torch, your beacon of light in the fog of Cluster B relationships. Every week, we delve deep into the complexities of relationships with Cluster B personalities, exploring narcissism, borderline, histrionic, and antisocial traits. Our journey is about understanding, healing, and empowering ourselves. Through expert insights, personal stories, and practical strategies, we'll navigate these turbulent waters together. Whether you're seeking clarity, closure, or a new beginning, My Inner Torch illuminates the path to a healthier, more fulfilling life. Let's join our host for this week's podcast. So what happens when you finally realize that this relationship is going nowhere? By going nowhere, I mean that it's never going to be what you want it to be. And again, we're talking about what you want it to be, not what the Cluster B wants it to be. The Cluster B wants to dominate you, possess you, and control you. So what happens when you realize that all of this is happening?
And I'm going to relate to you a story, and actually something that happened not too long ago with my wife of over 21 years, who I suspect is a covert narcissist. But first I wanted to read something by Maria Consiglio. She talks about the after effects of Cluster B abuse.
There are after effects. You don't miraculously get over your Cluster B. They may get over you, because remember, they can't make a commitment to you. The commitment is not there. And again, I will relate my story to be able to sort of illustrate that to you in a moment. But let's read about this. This is the after effects of Cluster B abuse. Even if you are over the Cluster B, you still experience so much psychological trauma. Your brain is affected. Your functioning is affected. And the way you see the world is affected.
There is so much damage in these relationships. The stress alone has dire effects on your health. Your body cannot constantly be in hypervigilance mode and not be affected. Your cortisol levels are high and you are exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. You feel different, like you don't fit in the world anymore. You feel broken and like no one understands. How could they, when you didn't even know the extent of the damage that was coming? You come out of this relationship scared, bruised and completely lost. Not knowing if you will ever feel the same again. Feeling like you will never fit into the world again. They break you down in a way that there are no words that could accurately explain or describe. Maria Consiglio.
Once again hitting the nail on the head. The gig is up. So the other day I was having a conversation with my wife and I said something pretty benign. I said, you know, I think our tenure in our house is coming to an end. Well that was a trigger to my wife. What she was thinking I was saying to her was that our marriage is over, that our relationship is over. Now bear in mind, I said again, my statement was, I believe that our tenure in the state that we are living in and in the house we are currently living in is coming to an end. But subtext bridging, my wife immediately took that statement and this is how she responded. And this is very interesting. Bear in mind that I've had a relationship with this woman for 23 years. She said, well, I certainly hope that you give me notice if you're going to leave.
I certainly hope that you're going to tell me so I can make arrangements. Okay, so maybe I'm, color me stupid here, but maybe that reaction is so clinical and so typical of a cluster B, especially a narcissist, because there's no emotional investment here. So instead of my wife perhaps saying, and again, I don't want to presume her behaviors nor do I want to direct her behaviors, but it would stand to reason that if this marriage was built on love and intimacy, which of course it is not because no relationship with a cluster B is built on closeness and intimacy and love because it's not possible. But you would think that she would, A, not even interpret that as me saying, Hey, we're going to get divorced or Hey, I'm going to be leaving you. But the manner in which she responded so matter of factly that I should just give her notice. This is like, she's a landlord or she's an employer. And I should say, Oh, Hey, this is my 30 days notice of the termination of our marriage and relationship for over 23 years.
Do you see the difference? First off, a normal person may not respond that way, but if they did, if they thought that I was suggesting to end the marriage and or the relationship, you would think that they might say, well, wow, I really care about you. Are you saying that our relationship is going to be over?
Because you know what? I want to work on that. Well, that's in a fantasy world with a cluster B. And that told me and illustrated to me that this is clearly just a very benign, very kind of buddy relationship, kind of like a, an acquaintance, somebody who lives in the household that you kind of see, like maybe if you were living in a college dorm, this is not a marriage and it's pathetic. And it further illustrated to me that my wife is not really my wife. She's just, she's just somebody who takes up space here. And I've talked about this in previous podcasts. Does it hurt me? Yeah, sure. It does. But what it does is it further reinforces the fact that now I see the forest for the trees.
And I didn't take that statement and go into Jade mode, justify, argue, defend, and explain. I accepted what she said and I kind of future faked her by saying, well, no, I'm not really planning to do anything. I'm not planning on leaving. I'm not, you know, but she takes things out of context and then she'll regurgitate them and throw them back at me from a previous argument where I had mentioned to her that, you know, I think we're kind of done here. And I then went ahead and made a huge mistake in revealing a black swan to her about what my plans would be.
Should we get divorced? She of course, threw those back at me and that last conversation that I just imparted to you.
And that's what they do. So they sort of bank those statements and then they take them and they throw them back at you.
That is common behavior. But I think that most of us need to accept that these relationships are one sided. We want something from them that they're not going to give us. And this is why we remain in the relationship because it becomes an emotional challenge. That's not what it should be. That's not what a relationship should be. It should be reciprocal. It should be a man and a woman or a man and a man and a woman and a woman who love each other and respect each other. And that's not going to happen when you're in a relationship with a cluster B. It just won't happen. And the purpose of this podcast is a warning.
It's a public service announcement to you. Don't be like me. Don't be in a relationship for 23 years just coming to terms and going, wow, this relationship is just kind of an arrangement, so to speak. I think arranged marriages fare better than a relationship with a cluster B because once they detach, once they devalue, once they discard, chances are they don't come back. And this discard happened in my case years ago, not just recently, not a month ago, not a week ago, years ago. And yet both of us, my wife and I, remain in this relationship for various reasons, but they are certainly not the right ones. They're not reasons that, well, we both really care about each other and we are intimately bonded and the thought of not being together and going our separate ways is hurtful on an emotional level. For my wife, it's a business arrangement, so hey, let me know. Turn in your resignation for this marriage. Terminate this business relationship, this roommate ship.
Let me know. Give me notice so that I can prepare, so I can monkey branch, so I can have another scenario prepared and I can go and pursue that. That's pathetic.
That's my opinion. My Inner Torch at gmail.com. Always appreciate hearing from you. Also appreciate your review on whichever platform you're listening to My Inner Torch on. Over 170 podcasts I have produced relating my experiences, sharing knowledge from other people who have experienced narcissistic and borderline abuse. It's not cool. It isn't. And if you're seeking knowledge and sort of reaffirmation that your relationship is not what it should be, well, there you go. I'm handing it to you on a silver platter. people start out in a love-bombing phase that is incredible, and then it graduates into the dysfunctional, ruptured relationship that it is destined to become. And I'm sure there are exceptions to every rule out there, and people have challenged me and said, well, hey, you know what?
I'm with a cluster B and it's perfect. Well, good. Your version and vision of perfection is obviously different than mine, and I would imagine it's different than yours. New episodes uploaded each and every Friday at 10 a.m.
Eastern Standard Time. Be well and in whatever you do, be good. This has been My Inner Torch. As we close out another episode of My Inner Torch, we extend a heartfelt thank you for joining us today.
Your support every Friday at 10 a.m. means the world to us. If our journey through the complexities of cluster B relationships has resonated with you, please share this podcast. Your recommendation could be the guiding light someone needs in navigating these challenging relationships. Remember, you're not alone on this path. Together, we can illuminate the way towards understanding and healing.
I'm Jade Stone. Take care, stay empowered, and see you next Friday at 10 a.m.