In this episode of “My Inner Torch,” I explore the complexities of Cluster B relationships, shedding light on the often overlooked positive traits while exploring the tendency to gravitate towards negative ones. The central theme revolves around the crucial need for self-reflection and change, emphasizing the significance of recognizing and appreciating positive qualities in others.
My discussion delves into the challenge of navigating relationships with individuals exhibiting cluster B personality disorders, urging you to stop waiting for them to change and to prioritize your own well-being. I share how to identify “green flags,” which signify a healthy relationship, including respecting boundaries and feeling invigorated after spending time together.
Furthermore, this episode stresses the importance of healing and community, underscoring the value of recognizing and embracing positive aspects within relationships.
In this episode of “My Inner Torch,” I explore the complexities of Cluster B relationships, shedding light on the often overlooked positive traits while exploring the tendency to gravitate towards negative ones. The central theme revolves around the crucial need for self-reflection and change, emphasizing the significance of recognizing and appreciating positive qualities in others.
My discussion delves into the challenge of navigating relationships with individuals exhibiting cluster B personality disorders, urging you to stop waiting for them to change and to prioritize your own well-being. I share how to identify “green flags,” which signify a healthy relationship, including respecting boundaries and feeling invigorated after spending time together.
Furthermore, this episode stresses the importance of healing and community, underscoring the value of recognizing and embracing positive aspects within relationships.
I've talked about in many podcasts red flags. We always talk about red flags. Red Flags in the Wind is a podcast I produced I think a couple of years ago, I'm not absolutely certain, but check it out because it talks about ignoring the red flags. How we choose to ignore red flags because we don't want to accept the truth.
But what about green flags? That's something that a lot of us don't talk about. Looking at green flags, it's easy for us to talk about red flags in our cluster B because there are plenty of them. But what can we look for?
How can we appreciate a green flag? How can we see a green flag and say, you know what?
This is a good person. And will we accept them as a good person? Because I've talked about in many podcasts how a good person has always been a turnoff to me. There's nothing to work on.
I can't fix them. I can't tell you how many opportunities I have wasted in my life, basically letting good people go because there was nothing to work on. I'm a fixer. I need to be able to fix somebody. I need to be able to show somebody, including my cluster B wife, that the world is not such a bad place, that I'm here to show them I am the solution. I am the knight on the white horse riding in and shining armor to show that person like my wife that there are better people in this world who will not mistreat them. And then in return, I am mistreated. It's kind of a weird paradox.
Do you notice that in yourself? Do you see yourself overlooking green flags or being turned off by green flags? Because well, red flags are more exciting.
Red flags are a challenge. We need to stop that. And we also need to accept that about ourselves. We need to take a moment to personally reflect and say, you know what?
This is who I am now. This is who I want to be. You need to change your own behaviors because you will not categorically will not change the cluster B. They will not change. And I'm here to tell you, newsflash, they are not going to go back to what they were or who they pretended to be. Please stop waiting for that to happen.
It frustrates me. There are so many people out there who are deluding themselves.
Oh, but you know what? They were so wonderful. Yeah, they were.
My cluster B wife was fantastic. Oh my gosh, she was great.
Is she now? No. Am I seeing the true person? Yes. That's what happens with cluster Bs. That's what happens with narcissists. That's what happens with borderlines. Now, borderlines, I think you do see the true person a lot sooner than you do with a narcissist. At least that's my opinion. But eventually we see the tortured souls that these people are, and we tend to ignore the red flags.
We maybe even change them. Maybe we are emotionally colorblind. That's an epiphany that I had just right now. I think we're colorblind. We turn red to green, and then we fantasize and we desire and we expect all those red flags to go away. That's what we want. That's what we expect.
So what can we see? What are green flags in people? Well, a green flag in a person would be that they celebrate your wins.
They support you. They're happy for you. Is a narcissist ever happy for you? No. And we talked about the covert narcissistic put downs or the cluster B put downs in a previous podcast. Another green flag is they remember small things about you. Now, I know a lot of people are going to take me to task and say, well, you know what my cluster B did. Well, sure. When they were love bombing you or their bread crumbing you. Yeah, absolutely. They'll remember small things about you or when they're trying to Hoover you back.
Yeah, maybe so. But these are people that consistently remember small things about you without a conditional emotional price. Another green flag is that they respect your boundaries. They're not ignoring them.
They're not forgetting them. They're not putting them aside. They respect them. They respect your boundaries. Another green flag is you feel energized after seeing them. This is not new relationship energy, N R E another acronym. There's so many of them out there. Sure. We all are excited during the luminary stage, the love bombing stage, but you feel energized after seeing them because you're excited. And that excitement and that interest and that bond doesn't fade over time.
It will be tested. No doubt.
We are not perfect beings. They will test you. You will test them, but you will still feel energized after seeing them. Another green flag, and this is a big one. They listen without being defensive because there's nothing to defend.
They are objective. They can see both sides of the fence. Try that with a cluster B.
It ain't going to happen. They see black or they see white. They don't see gray. You cannot argue with a lunatic pointing a gun at you. Gun toting lunatics podcast. I did I think three plus years ago. You can't do it. They listen without being defensive. Wouldn't that be nice? Wouldn't it be great if you could communicate with your cluster B without fear of emotional retribution, without revenge, that they're not going to come after you or they're not going to regurgitate it at a later time to use it against you. How does that sound?
That's a green flag. They listen without being defensive. Another green flag is that they allow you to be fully yourself.
You can be yourself. You're not reinventing yourself. You're not trying to please them. You're not being a people pleaser. You're not sacrificing your happiness. They recognize your boundaries and they allow you to be fully yourself. Can you imagine that? I can't. I can't imagine being myself.
Who is myself? Do we have an identity? And frequently we don't. We become somebody different with our cluster B. Theater of the cluster B. We are a player in their theater. In their play, in their tragedy. Another green flag is that they make you feel safe. Do you feel safe in your relationship with your cluster B? Ask yourself that question and be honest with yourself. Do I feel safe in my relationship of over 23 years?
And the answer is no, I don't. And I don't think I ever will. And that's why I'm not really myself.
I am playing a character. I'm trying to be the peacemaker, the ambassador. I don't want to push the envelope. I don't want to trigger my cluster B. I walk on eggshells. I always have to be thinking. So I can't really fully be myself because I'm always thinking ahead. If I say this, what's going to happen? Because I'm dealing with somebody who is not rational. Another green flag is you don't have to watch what you say.
Oh my God. I don't have to watch what I say. I can just say things and that person will be rational and neutral and respectful and say, you know what? I can see why you feel that way. This is how I feel and have a rational conversation, communication. You don't have to watch what you say, a green flag. And another final green flag in this podcast is that they support your goals.
They support you. Remember the covert cluster B put downs where they don't support you because they're jealous of you. They don't want you to succeed because if you do succeed, then maybe you don't need them. Maybe you can see past their act. Maybe you can see the mask slip, but a green flag is that they support your goals and you support them. That's a normal relationship, which I know sounds abnormal to us because we're supporting their goals in hope that they will love us in return, that they'll say and validate us. They will tell us we're good people, green flags in people, you know, and why do we stay in these relationships?
Why are we so scared to be alone? What some people don't realize is that people are single in this generation because they are healed, which makes them incompatible for a trauma bond. Unfortunately, trauma bonds are the template for our broken culture. And anyone who chooses peace over trauma, in my opinion, will have difficulty in relationships because most people you meet are emotionally damaged in some way. When we are healed, we seek euphoric bonds because those bonds create authenticity and connection.
It's kind of like an oxymoron. 90% of the relationships and or marriages you see today are actually trauma bonded because they need, we need a better half to make us feel whole because we're broken. We're broken mentally, spiritually, and possibly even emotionally. So take a moment to let that sink in. We will forego our own personal happiness because we are extremely scared of being alone. And so therefore we are willing to settle. We're willing to settle to be with somebody who doesn't treat us as an equal, who doesn't give us to be with somebody who doesn't treat us as an equal, who doesn't give us green flags, who we are emotionally colorblind to, who we allow ourselves to be bread crumbed, trauma bonded, and hoovered back when we have enough sense to potentially leave. We go running back because we're scared. Am I scared? No, at this point in time, I'm not scared. At this point in time, I can see a future without my cluster B.
I can see it. Now I just have to actually follow the path to attain it.
Where are you? Myinnertorch.gmail.com. Always appreciate hearing from you. Thank you for listening. Thank you for spreading the word. Thank you for opening other people's minds because this is a community of us. We need to heal and we need to help others heal. We need others to see the truth and the light. New episodes uploaded each and every Friday at 10 a.m.
Eastern Standard Time. Be well and in whatever you do, be good. This has been My Inner Torch.