It's not okay. What do I mean by that? It's not okay. Well, it's not okay to accept the behaviors from our cluster b.
We've talked about relationship red flags. We've talked about green flags in previous podcasts. If you haven't had an opportunity, definitely listen to that. To understand that it's not okay. I've spent years coming up with excuses for my cluster b wife who I suspect is a covert narcissist comorbid with borderline personality traits. I spent years making excuses for her behavior.
Do you find yourself doing that? When they abuse us, we tend to go back and stand back and think, okay. First off, we start to think it's our fault.
We've done something. And then we start to say, you know what? They're having a bad day. Or maybe something happened in their day that's making them behave that way or that's just the way they are. When people abuse us, we should say it's not okay. We should stand up for ourselves and our self worth. Here are some relationship red flags that are probably easy to miss, and they're not okay. It's not okay to make you feel like you're unreasonable when you communicate needs or boundaries to your cluster b.
It's not okay. It's not okay that they make us feel uncomfortable or that we're scared because somehow, some way there will be some retribution.
There will be some revenge. Excessive shows of attention and affection extremely early on, or the love bombing phase, and then they take it away.
It's not okay. My wife has basically confessed to me that she used love bombing to get what she wanted from me. And that's to get me into this relationship and then consequently get me into this marriage that has lasted over 21 years.
That's not okay. It's not okay that her father taught her that it's okay to ply her wares to get what she wants and use that as a weapon. It's not okay that you feel like you're responsible for their happiness or well-being. That we have to make them happy and in turn, make ourselves happy. It's impossible.
Because we're constantly focused on them. It's always about them, and we lose our identity in the process. It's not okay about the inconsistency of these relationships. They shower you with affection, and then they seemingly become cold.
They're hot and cold. 1 minute they're hot, The next minute they're cold. They're affectionate, then they're not. They discard you. They devalue you. Then they hoover you back. They breadcrumb you back. That is not okay. It's not okay turning vulnerable moments Or your insecurities into a joke. That's abuse folks. When they start to make fun of you.
Maybe the things that you are vulnerable with, maybe the things that you say or do, it's not okay. And for us to sweep it under the rug and make excuses for them, that's shame on us. That is definitely shame on us. It's not okay that problems aren't resolved or talked through. They're ignored or solved potentially with gifts or affection. Well, I'm gonna disagree with part of that statement because I will say that problems are never resolved with Jabi. They're usually stored in their memory bank for later use against you. What you say or do will be used against you at another time of their choosing. But I don't necessarily think that they solve these problems. Perhaps maybe your cluster b does, mine certainly doesn't, by showering you with gifts or affection. That's foreign to me.
Gifts and affection, Rare. Very rare.
It's not okay that you constantly feel like you don't know how they feel about you. Living in this world of unknown, this mystery.
That's not okay. That's not a normal relationship. That's disordered, dysfunctional, and dysregulated. Triple d. It's not okay that they constantly try to push or renegotiate your boundaries. They're constantly changing what you want. There's gaslighting involved in that too. Think about it. It's not okay for their inability to apologize or take accountability without bringing you down too. It's always your fault. They don't take accountability.
My wife doesn't take accountability or anything. It's my fault. It doesn't matter if it was blatantly somebody else that did the wrong. Somehow, someway she can tie it back to me. It's something I did to precipitate that.
That's just not okay. Why do we put up with that stuff? You know, the relationship with a cluster b can be Really wrapped up in a nutshell. You know, you go from being the perfect love of their life, well, of course, they don't understand love, but from the perfect person of their life to nothing you do is ever good enough. You will give everything you've got and they will take it all and give you less and less in return. That's not okay. You you will end up depleted emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and probably financially. And then to add insult to injury, you get blamed for it.
It's all your fault. Everything that's wrong with this relationship with your cluster b is really your fault. Can't you see that? Gaslighting. Can't you see that you are at fault? It's just not okay. And I know people out there just can't accept The truth, it hurts. Hurts me every day to see somebody that I really cared about who just doesn't care about me.
Doesn't see me. Doesn't care. Just goes about her day.
And it's not okay. It doesn't matter what made her that way. It matters that I am in this relationship, that I'm getting the fallout for whatever happened in her life previous to me. And yes, it was a tumultuous abusive upbringing. Perhaps I'm just a parent figure for her. That was an epiphany for me that really what I am is just a guardian.
I'm just a benefactor. I'm just somebody here to make the trains run on time. I'm not a husband. I'm not a partner. You know, that's basically what I am is pretty much an extension of her father.
And that's very difficult to accept. And I will never ever downplay the folk the fact that we have so much to accept and so much to work through. That's why you listen to this podcast. Maybe it's helping you work through and making you see and understand that it's not okay that you are a good person. You went into this relationship with the best of intent.
You wanted to help that person. You wanted to love that person. That person presented a false self to you.
That's not okay. That's Emotional fraud. And that's what these cluster b's do. They mirror you. You fall in love basically with yourself, and then they take it all away. Then that's it. Then the curtain drops and you see them for who they are. The tortured souls that they are inflicting and projecting and casting out their own demons onto you. And that is not okay.
So please don't think it is. Please stop making excuses for your cluster b. I know. I've done it, and sometimes I catch myself doing it again. You have to see these people for who they truly are. They are emotional vampires. They will take the good from you and turn you into a husk, A shell of your former self. I like to call them negators. They take positive and they turn it into negative. They will take a positive situation of yours and they will turn it into a negative situation. You may be feeling really great about yourself and they will take you down several pegs.
You always have to remain vulnerable to them. They will not be vulnerable to you and you will surrender everything to them because you so desperately want them to love you. And to be somebody who they pretended to be but are not anymore. That's the hard core fact.
And yes, I'm working through that right now. It's not pleasant. It bothers me. It bothers me that I was duped. That I allowed myself to be duped. It's okay.
I accept that. But now where do I go from here? I've invested so many years of my life into this relationship, and I'm happy that I have this podcast. If anything to impart the truth to you guys, the listener, that maybe you haven't invested 23 plus years into somebody. Maybe you are involved with a family member, so that might be since your birth. I get it. But it's not okay for these people to act the way they do. It's not okay for them to abuse you and not see you, discard you, devalue you, to be verbally, emotionally, financially, physically abusive to you. No matter how you try to wrap it around in your mind to make it okay. I'm here to tell you it's not. Myinnertorch@gmail.com. I always enjoy hearing from you, relating your stories.
If you get an opportunity, please leave a review on whichever podcast platform you happen to be listening to my inner torch on. Together, we will work through this journey. It's been almost 4 years.
Started this podcast in September of 2020. A lot of you have stayed for over almost a 180 podcasts. You had an opportunity to see my journey and perhaps take something from that to benefit yours. Be well.
And in whatever you do, be good. This has been my inner torch.