Behind the Highlight Reel: not falling for comparison in social media

In this episode we explore the pitfalls of comparing your spouse to others and the negative impact it can have on your relationship. This comparison can create feelings of judgment and inadequacy, leading to a decline in positive affection and increasing resentment. By idealizing other people's spouses, you set unrealistic expectations and can inadvertently foster a sense of longing or even lust for qualities that are not present in your partner. This pattern is dangerous for creating, healing or maintaining connection. The conversation emphasizes the importance of focusing on the positive attributes of your spouse and being mindful of how comparisons can erode the foundation of your relationship.

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Transcript

Speaker 2 1:03

We've never seen a perfect marriage but we have seen marriages that are full of laughter and life conflict and misunderstandings, growth and hope.

Speaker 1 1:12

We want to dive into the nuts and bolts of those relationships.

Speaker 2 1:16

There are no experts here, just real talk with real couples who really like each other.

Speaker 1 1:21

This is Marriage Lab with Erin and Jenna. Welcome to Marriage Lab. My mic is too loud. My name is Erin and this is Jenna.

Speaker 2 1:32

My mic's now super loud. Yeah, you are. Actually. You know what would be so helpful in life if we had a way to turn down my mic so that my volume matched everybody's.

Speaker 1 1:40

If we had that for our kids, that would be the most ideal. That's true In the backseat of the car.

Speaker 2 1:45

Oh my, gosh, that's so real. The flip side is. In high school my friends on the soccer team used to be like, hey, jenna inside voices.

Speaker 1 1:53

So whenever the kids are super loud, I know I felt the irony there.

Speaker 2 1:56

But, when the kids are too loud. I'm like yep they come by it honestly.

Speaker 1 1:59

I'm sorry, aaron. Well, today we're going to be talking about comparison, not specifically comparison of yourself to others, though any comparison is unhelpful. But we're going to be talking about comparing your spouse to other people.

Speaker 2 2:16

Dun, dun dun. And, of course, like all good topics we talk about on this podcast, we will sprinkle our own journey of where this is coming from, what we've learned and then, what we're seeing and hearing that we're like oh, other people are working through this as well.

Speaker 1 2:33

Yeah, it's not just us, um we, uh, we always forget to ask you guys um all of our listeners. But but if you enjoy the podcast, please share it with people.

Speaker 2 2:44

Leave a review.

Speaker 1 2:45

Subscribe too, yeah, subscribe. I don't know all the buttons that are available, but you know the ones.

Speaker 2 2:51

Share, subscribe, like, review. All those things are super helpful and we forget to ask, so this is us asking.

Speaker 1 2:58

Moving on, though, jenna and I just finished our second sprint triathlon.

Speaker 2 3:03

Okay, so that distance is 0.4 miles swim. So a little under half a mile. A little over 16 miles of a bike ride and then a 5k run, which is like a little over three miles of a run. And this year okay, last year we had, I think we chatted, we had like five or six friends. This year we had over 20. It was so fun because you pass everybody a lot.

Speaker 2 3:23

So like it was so fun because you pass everybody a lot, so like it was lots of encouragement, the energy that I shared on the soccer field came out and high speed on the on all the components where I passed all our friends and it was so fun.

Speaker 1 3:32

It was a blast and we uh, you beat your old time from last year by 17 minutes you guys.

Speaker 2 3:40

I think I shared that I had an open water swim is I never swam a lap and then, uh, got good at that at our local pool and then went to like our lake to do the open water swim where the race happens, and it's actually it just messed with my head. I guess I'm not alone. I've talked more about yeah, the psychological components of like. I could drown him in the middle of the lake.

Speaker 1 3:59

You can't see the bottom also like swimming into seafood, seafood, seaweed.

Speaker 2 4:04

It could be seafood if they get in my way.

Speaker 1 4:06

Watch out fish, yeah I'm about to eat a raw fish. Predator up in here.

Speaker 2 4:11

Maybe I'm the thing they should be scared of um anyways, but so that was awesome. I shaved 10 minutes off my swim from last year because I just went after I went to the, I knew that that was my weak area this year, and so that's what I focused my training on, and it's so beautiful to see, like I didn't have it habit lab I have a 10-week mastery course that is actually coming up. But one of the things we talk about a lot is how consistency compounds like if you keep showing up with.

Speaker 2 4:35

A little bit over time, what was uncomfortable becomes comfortable and then you actually increase in your skill. But adults, a lot of times we're not willing to be on the learning curve or if it's uncomfortable for a bit, a couple of weeks, or even last year my triathlon swimming all last summer was uncomfortable.

Speaker 2 4:53

And if I had decided that was feedback. I couldn't get past it. I probably wouldn't have done it again. But I've now like having enough, like diving so deep for so many years and habits, I'm like, oh, this is part of the process. So if you're looking to help help get some help building healthy habits, join my 10 week mastery course. We're going to put the link in the bio, but it was really fun because a lot of the people actually who did the triathlon with us have done my habit lab.

Speaker 2 5:17

So, actually quite a few of them. It felt very full circle to like.

Speaker 1 5:22

And a few of them it felt very full circle to like, and a lot of them, all, the majority of them, it was their first time doing anything like this.

Speaker 2 5:26

Yes, so you're not alone, and we had girlfriends. Some of the moms weren't able to train like the dads because of, like them, being at home and not being able to figure out the pockets, and they still did it. I was so proud of them yeah, I think a lot of times we, unless we do something impressive the first time, we're not willing to like, grow into it Right.

Speaker 2 5:42

So a lot of them, finishing was just their goal. This year, yeah, but next it's been cool they like, and next year we're gonna and then we camped. There were six of our families that camped. We had literally like 50 people at our campsite the night before the triathlon with all like a herd, multiple herds of children running around I was like the s'mores Nazi, because we only had one marshmallow per kid, because there was a miscommunication.

Speaker 2 6:07

I was like you get one. I saw you eat that already, damien. I'm sorry, no more marshmallows for you, but it was so funny. Then we did a beach day afterwards. I think that's what I think when you find a habit that wins.

Speaker 2 6:19

The best habits with longevity are the ones that have multiple layers of benefit and integration in your life, especially when you're someone who's uh deep into the young family season, like me doing a bodybuilding competition is not going to find the integration which I'm not bashing, bodybuilding competitions, whatever, um, but it won't find the integration that I can like doing it for my house, like the triathlon with my kids coming to the pool, them being on bike rides with us, or the triathlon with my kids coming to the pool, them being on bike rides with us or the community aspect community aspect, and then even the kids like being able to be there for the race.

Speaker 2 6:49

That's why we added the camping layer this year to make it like a family thing versus mom and dad time away from the family like actual integration, and then that's been cool because that's how it's compounded, with more people joining yeah, and our kids even now are.

Speaker 1 7:04

They're doing cross-country at school and they've watched us and actually a bunch of people on the text thread that we had um in our triathlon group said that their kids were inspired and wanted to start exercising and different things like that like, oh, I actually feel emotional because like that's the goal, like for me, as I'm not going for this like picture perfect body, I actually want to have healthy habits.

Speaker 2 7:27

That like invest into my health and then I want to demonstrate that for the kids so that then they're not having to figure this out later on life. Like I think this is like a legacy I want to give them to like a boost into like what's possible, what's fun, what's long. Where does longevity live with all?

Speaker 1 7:44

of it. So anyway, so good.

Speaker 2 7:45

I feel really passionate about it I'm also the cross country coach or assistant to the assistant to the assistant, pretty much just babysitting the kids at my kids school.

Speaker 1 7:54

For this reason, because I was like oh, this is more integration is it kindergarten, through third grade or something?

Speaker 2 7:58

and then the fun thing is that there's like four families of parents who did the triathlon with us. Their kids are on our cross country team, so it's real full circle watching our parents do it together and then our kids do it together. I'm like yeah, so fun. I feel so passionate about community and movement.

Speaker 1 8:16

I shaved seven minutes off my time.

Speaker 2 8:18

I thought you were going to say you shaved your chest. I know, you.

Speaker 1 8:28

Actually, when you said shaved earlier, I was like what is she about to say? But um, I he did, I ran seven, I I did it, completed it seven minutes faster and Jenna beat me by one minute.

Speaker 2 8:33

You are, so I'm very impressed. When we found out I beat him, I was like babe, I cannot mention it Cause a lot of guys that would be uh, like a sensitive ego spot and we had a like honest chat and he was like no, I'm really proud of you, I want, I want, I feel happy for you to share that and that meant honestly. I don't think I've told you. That meant so much to me, knowing that other men probably couldn't handle that and would feel insecure. But, like who you are is, you're so my cheerleader and my champion that you would want me to be able to have a cool, a cool little stat about my improvement this year. So I appreciate that, baby.

Speaker 1 9:06

Yeah, you bet. Well, speaking of being a good husband, let's talk about comparison.

Speaker 2 9:13

Oh man. Okay, there's this awesome quote. Most of you have heard. That comparison is the thief of joy, which actually I didn't know, but Teddy Roosevelt is who they give credit for saying that. But I think a lot of times we think about that for ourselves.

Speaker 1 9:26

Compared to others, and it's definitely true.

Comparison and Affection in Marriage

Speaker 2 9:28

Yeah, but I think we don't realize, or how about this? I haven't heard as many people realizing that when they compare their spouses because it's more subtle that that is unhelpful too. So comparing your spouse to someone else either someone else's spouse, someone on social media, something like a guru, whatever a pastor right, I think it. Um, I'm watching it be breed unhelpful other things. It's almost like the gateway drug to then, I don't know, contempt um resentment resentment. What would be the so when comparison is insecurity for yourself?

Speaker 2 10:08

what is comparison. You know, watching it's almost just like comparison shows you the deficit and acts like a ruler of how they're highlights.

Speaker 1 10:16

It highlights the um, yeah, the, the negativity, the things that you feel that you don't like about your spouse.

Speaker 2 10:25

And it almost proves that your spouse is wrong when you can find someone who has that attribute?

Speaker 2 10:31

I was thinking of I've shared before about how we went on a journey of me, like your value for landscaping and my value are different and then I, when I took it over for a while or I had a lot of judgment towards you that it didn't value it the same, and I remember in that season going to different people's houses or remembering watching other friends husbands do show up in landscaping which just sounds so silly, but it was legit for me.

Speaker 2 10:57

Um, show up for landscaping. In ways I'm like that's what aaron should be doing, or if aaron like there's a subtle, it's the same way. That comparison in yourself you know like steals but I'm like ferrison, if harrison wow, if aaron was more um like responsible or this is that's what a real man looks like, or something like oh, it sounds so terrible, even like saying it, um, but I just watched how like it actually would undermine what I thought of you it would.

Speaker 2 13:22

It only would deplete or like take away from my positive, like affection for you and it was um, it was again.

Speaker 1 13:29

It was like a ruling, a ruler on how you weren't measuring up yeah, there's a, you know the kind of just the general law of whatever you feed grows and when you are feeding, your view of your spouse, that is a deficit. Like there's a clear deficit with my spouse and I can see that because I can see other people, other women, not lacking that attribute, not lacking that attribute that you will begin to look for more evidence to back up that deficit, your view of your spouse, in the way that they are lacking.

Speaker 2 14:06

And, yeah, Honestly, I was going to say too, it almost idealizes the other person, whether it's like. I think with like landscaping, that would be one example of like a cup, I would look for various people but, I remember different times where I used actually we have a mutual friend and I there was an incident where I wanted you to do something and you didn't, and I said so-and-so's husband would have done it.

Speaker 2 14:29

I'm just going to say right here, across the board do not use that phrase. So-and-so's wife makes dinner for them every night. Or so-and-so's husband would have done X, y, z, or so-and-so's husband was at the play performance took off work to be there. It is, man. What's the spirit behind it? What would you say? Why it's so contemptuous?

Speaker 1 14:52

contemptuous. Uh, yeah, I mean it. I think it just points to like you are it's, you are failing me and oh, and here's the evidence that other people do this that I'm not unreasonable for wanting this right yeah, it's not like oh, aaron, aaron doesn't, um, you know, work and then come home and do chores for hours afterwards or something, I don't know. I was trying to think of something that would feel ridiculous. Yeah, but if nobody else did it, it wouldn't be a different thing. Yeah, like I wouldn't have any evidence.

Speaker 2 15:23

It's almost evidence in my case against you.

Speaker 1 15:26

And then I think what's more?

Speaker 2 15:27

dangerous is when it's a friend. You both know. I think what's more dangerous is when it's a friend. You both know, like I've watched it with other people and then maybe sometimes with myself. It hasn't gotten too far, but I almost idealize this other person at a point where it could be dangerous for like affection to grow when you're aware of how that person embodies something you wish your spouse had.

Speaker 2 15:50

I actually remember this Some level of like aaron. As you guys know, if you've listened for a while, I'm more of the risk taker and the more energetic adventure like let's kayak, paddleboard, and aaron isn't as much so in a season when I like probably felt lonely already like there's usually some already pain.

Speaker 2 16:08

Yeah and then it almost feels like this comparison to a spouse. I wonder if it's almost like the devil sliding across an example to like. Whatever the pain was initially, to like almost make it worse and get a stronghold for emphasizing it or exaggerating it, but I remember in that season of feeling lonely and some of the ways that how we were different and then finding someone else, someone else's husband, that was adventurous and did all the things.

Speaker 2 16:29

I then it almost like I could feel like, as I thought like, oh, someone's husband does, was adventurous and did all the things. I then it almost like I could feel like, as I thought like oh, someone's husband does this, they go blah blah blah. They do this together. He wants her to do this together. He loves that, you know um. I felt like the Lord was like oh, this is the path, this is like a slippery path to like affection.

Avoiding Comparison in Marriage

Speaker 1 16:44

Yeah, it's step one to an affair of an affair. I know that's not, you weren't close to an affair, but an affair is takes 40 steps. You don't ever go. Oh whoops, I just had an affair. Um, there are lots of little things that lead up to it and I don't know that it's technically step one, but one of the very early signs is idealizing another person or comparing your spouse to another person, yeah, and then even like lust feels like the wrong word, but like almost um longing for them to be like wow, like yeah, I wouldn't feel this pain.

Speaker 1 17:17

Lust is lust might not be that bad of a of a word to use for that, even though we generally think of it as sexual uh, it does not. It lust is like a. It's almost like greed, but it is like a, a hunger for more than is your allotment, than your portion. And so the idea is like oh, if it's somebody else like oh, I want those attributes in my spouse, and then you begin to hunger for those in another person, yeah, I'd call that lust.

Speaker 2 17:47

Okay. So I think my point is this comparison thing I watched, I think people can do it two ways I'm speaking from experience and then thing I watched, I think people can do it two ways. I'm speaking from experience and then from listening to. Um, I think people can do it.

Speaker 2 17:56

A general attribute your spouse is not hitting, so let's say the landscaping and how I noticed everyone who did, and it was like evidence to my case of how you're failing me, or the one time that I like, or some of the times that maybe I felt lonely and watch one man do this for a mutual friend and then it's my affection. I was like, ooh, this is dangerous, like I could tell that if? I'm feeding this. This could turn into something that I'm not willing to. It's almost bringing someone else into your marriage on some level with idealism and fantasies of what it could.

Speaker 2 18:24

I mean not fantasies that feels like it is.

Speaker 1 18:27

It's a fantasy it's not sexual. Well, it doesn't have to be, it absolutely could be.

Speaker 2 18:32

What I was going to say, though, is I think this is so, men, when we're talking about lust and fantasies, we all would know that it's more common for sexual porn images, I think, women.

Speaker 1 18:42

I've jokingly heard people say that rom-coms or something that's romantic kind of women get riled up with emotional or like taking care of and fantasizing, which is why 50 shades of gray was so incredibly popular but that one's unhelpful because it was very sexual however, I think there was a large dynamic of the book. From what I hear was the, the this man taking charge and like, and there's a lot of attributes about that.

Speaker 2 19:08

I was gonna say even like 10 how to lose a guy in 10 days. I think all of these play on this Like this is what I'd like. This is the throne of what it would look like, but my point is I actually would say, with women listening like be aware, cause I think this is where we've crossed lines and bring unhelpful stuff in our marriage more quickly, Like we're aware of husband's side.

Speaker 2 19:29

but I think this can be the more undercover permissible one that we don't notice for a while that I would say that females do, yeah, so unhelpful does not in any way increase your connection with your spouse. It's either evidence to their failing or starts idealizing and creating affection attachment towards someone else, which is definitely unhelpful. Can you give me an example of some of things? Maybe comparison with me and creating affection attachment towards?

Speaker 1 19:50

someone else, which is definitely helpful. Can you?

Speaker 2 19:52

give me an example of some of things, maybe comparison with me For sure.

Speaker 1 19:58

Wow, so confident. I said it only because I had already been thinking like, okay, I'm going to share it.

Speaker 2 20:05

Let me just rolled out a 10 page list, you guys. Wow, I had no idea. It's in my wallet, it's all folded up. No, yeah, rolled out a 10 page list you guys.

Speaker 1 20:10

Wow, I had no idea it's in my wallet, it's all folded up. No, yeah, I remember. I mean you have lots of friends who have are very different personality types from you, but in one of the things like the real, like affectionate, you know, like soft and like oh, oh, babe, oh you know like, oh yeah, like nurturing, nurturing, yeah, nurturing that.

Speaker 2 20:36

There you go, I am not, yeah, like let's say, when I'm sick or uh, jenna's like when he's sick, you just pokes your head in the door.

Speaker 1 20:42

Hey, do you? I mean you're, you're great. Yeah, like, do you need anything?

Speaker 2 20:45

can I get you anything that's great um but because in my brain I'm like I'm manning the children, I'm gonna keep them out of the room. The house is gonna, I know, but good reason, totally I'm not saying it like that, but I'm laughing at how I justify the not being nurturing. Oh, gotcha.

Speaker 1 20:58

So, yeah, I've definitely thought that like, oh man, it would be so nice if jenna was like this, that would feel so good. And then, um, yeah, it was. It's definitely easier for me, just especially given my past around porn and like hypersexuality, to sexualize any of that as well. But, um, but yeah, I would say it's like that. Or, if you have, I have friends talking about their sex life and it sounds, you know, sounded different, or like wild or uh, adventurous or different things, and then comparing our sex life to that and going like, oh man, they, that's the whatever I. I remember early on I was honestly, I can't remember all the details, I don't know that it'd be helpful, but I was in a class in the school ministry and I was talking to our pastor, dan Fairley, who was leading the class at the time. I asked him a question. It was early on in our marriage. Maybe I was like in, you know, anyways, it was early on in our marriage.

Speaker 2 21:50

Is this the one conversation, oh?

Speaker 1 21:52

no, no, not quite that he, but I remember him saying and honestly I don't remember how we got here, but he said there's no such thing as a trophy wife. And but when he said it, there was something in me that realized like, oh, I did not realize I had actually, like created an idealized version of what you should or could be. And I'm like, oh I, it was there. I recognize so many times, let's say, around our sex life or around wishing that you on around, I'll never um get fulfillment in this specific way.

Speaker 1 22:41

Um, you know, and I think about uh, how I wanted my wife to be like colby calais when I was uh single and I want her to sing to me.

Speaker 2 22:49

Yeah, sing well, write any instrument at all. Yeah this girl can't even clap the one that he picked to marry.

Speaker 1 22:55

Actually, truly, but there's there's all these self-pity kind of victim, uh things that go on around like my, but my spouse, she doesn't ever do this or she'll never be able to I think acknowledging that self-pity is in there is a good awareness too and, and I think again, when you find someone who does it, it almost feels validating to that thing because, you have evidence that this could be possible.

Speaker 2 23:20

One of the big shifts for us was this awareness. Well, one it is a rule. We've chatted before how we have some rules of engagement. Things we will, aren't willing to do are unhelpful for our connection in conflict, conflict so like uh, yelling, cursing, raised voices um unkind words, no name calling. But then another one is we don't bring other people in as comparison ever because, that's how toxic? I don't. I think it feels passive.

Speaker 1 23:51

I think that's why I feel a little charged up about this, because it feels so permissible, because of it, but I think of never having experienced helpfulness like I've watched it be judgments right, yeah, only just, I've never, never, ever heard of a husband like saying, yeah, my wife said well, haven't you seen x person and the husband going and I realized she was right, x person, I should be doing that thing. That has never worked.

Speaker 2 24:17

So what I was going to say, though, is, like it's been super helpful, oh, in that, when we've started not bringing people up, one of the things that we've realized I remember we had a long conversation about this that if I were so Aaron, let's just. I like analogies, so if Aaron has, you know, five, no, let's say 10 character qualities about him as a person.

Speaker 2 24:39

Obviously, we all have a lot more, and two of them are. Three of them are weaknesses and seven of them are strengths. If I were so annoyed and a lot of times, as spouses were most aware of the three weakness areas of their character, qualities.

Speaker 2 24:51

And if I were to find someone else? If, like, I'd finding you know comparison someone else, or just even the idea of this is so painful, I'm going to go find another one. Like, don't have someone in mind. The reality is I would be shifting the. I could totally pick another husband that had strength in those areas of your weakness but then the flip side.

Speaker 2 25:12

I think this was actually a conversation I had with the Lord and then you and I talked about it later. I would be then swapping three of your strengths for someone weaknesses in other areas. So meaning, like Aaron's good at finance but doesn't love risk I could go find another husband that likes risk, like you know.

Speaker 2 25:29

theoretically, but then if I had chosen someone else, cause I think divorce had never been on the table. But this like, oh, did I choose wrong If I had chosen someone else? It's this fantasy of escaping my current pains and encountering your weaknesses in my marriage, um, but the reality of if I then chose someone who's super. I think this was actually the literal example of the Lord and I were talking about. If I then chose someone who's super, I think this was actually the literal example the Lord and I were talking about. If I chose someone who's loved adventure and risk, they would probably not have the level of dependable, reliable security with finances and all the other ways in our life that I benefit from those character strengths.

Speaker 2 26:02

So, it's just a shift there's not a perfect in the idea of the trophy house spouse there's not a perfect person. Everyone's going to have a couple weaknesses. House spouse yeah, there's not a perfect person. Everyone's gonna have a couple weaknesses.

Speaker 2 26:12

So me swapping like specifically picking someone else who has strength in the areas you don't means I'm gonna lose some of the strengths that you have when I pick someone else so I think it just shifted to be like I actually feel grateful because everyone has weaknesses and I would choose we've said this to each other before I would choose your weaknesses over someone else's weaknesses totally yeah, I I felt the.

Speaker 1 26:29

I think I had the same kind of realization when I would idealize other women, attributes of other women, and to realize, oh, I'd just be trading flaws, you might get more nurturing.

Combatting Comparison in Marriage

Speaker 2 26:42

I might get more nurturing, but you wouldn't get a more positive wife. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 26:48

No, I mean, it's a lot, and I was looking for this. I found this clip from the principles what the heck is this called the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman? And he is kind of like the foremost person about marriage.

Speaker 2 27:07

I follow them on Instagram. They're he and his wife are a sweet Jewish couple and their trend recently is they'll watch other people and then assess their marriage on the real. It's real funny. They're like watching them.

Speaker 1 27:19

There's just random people walking around.

Speaker 2 27:21

No, it's usually. It's an interview someone else is having and they comment on the interview.

Speaker 1 27:26

Yeah, so he's talking about nurturing your fondness and admiration for your spouse.

Speaker 2 27:33

Like. What we're saying is comparison does the opposite.

Speaker 1 27:35

So this is almost like here's the answer.

Speaker 2 27:38

Here's why it's not helpful because it's the opposite.

Speaker 1 27:40

Yes, he said, when couples resist expressing positivity about the other person's behavior, it's because they've been focused on the negative aspects for so long. And research shows and he quotes a specific research study in this, I just didn't write all the details that a spouse will miss 50% of the positive things that their spouse does because they're not tuned into them. So it is literally.

Speaker 2 28:10

What you feed grows.

Speaker 1 28:11

whatever you believe, whatever kind of stance you've taken on your spouse, you will look for supporting evidence for and comparison.

Speaker 2 28:19

I'm just gonna bring it back real quick. Comparison feeds dissatisfaction and it gives you evidence to back up your dissatisfaction and then also therefore undermining happiness in the marriage you do have, it blinds you to the positive attributes that your spouse does have.

Speaker 1 28:36

I can imagine potentially hearing this and go yeah, jenna, you said my spouse Aaron has 10 qualities and three of them aren't good but seven are good. And I imagine somebody going like oh, how about like nine bad ones and one good one? That's my spouse and that is proof. Is your thought?

Speaker 2 28:55

process.

Speaker 1 28:56

That would be evidence that you have tuned out, and so I think it's even me like. If you think about, I would imagine the majority of our listeners are women. And they think highly of you would imagine the majority of our listeners are women and they think highly of you. I I hope so. I just so you know. Like I, I talk about really good stuff on here, but jenna has to deal with the real life.

Speaker 1 29:17

Aaron who, uh, is farts in bed all the time, you guys that one's mutual um but, uh, but no, the lots, lots of stuff that, even as I think about man, if only people could see what Jenna's experiencing from me right now, they wouldn't have any of that stuff. Now it's not like I'm not going super negative on myself, but I do think I'm thinking, oh, I'm a real and messy internally and externally person. In so many ways I think I have a lot of positive attributes. However, it would be silly to idealize me or if, honestly, I have, I roll with a bunch of great people who have podcasts and who are. You look at them or you look at their marriage and you go, oh man, the thing of envy. And in some ways, like I'm like, yeah, I would envy our relationship and, holy crap, the stuff that we've pushed through, gone through, still go through.

Speaker 2 30:17

Like it's all, there is no trophy marriage, there's no trophy spouse, and so and I think, even so I think that brings us to our last point pretty well is this social media is such we're aware of its unhelpfulness. I would lump podcasts and other things in there. Um.

Speaker 2 30:35

We're aware of its unhelpfulness for comparison for ourselves but I think sometimes we forget about it for our marriages too, and I think what you said like nobody is perfect, and I think, like if you are having a hard time not comparing if you're following someone and you're having a hard time not comparing if you're following someone- and you're having a hard time not noticing all the ways your spouse is not measuring up or it's feeding dissatisfaction. I would challenge you to unfollow them.

Speaker 1 30:59

Yeah, that's like I think sometimes we justify learning some for that and I'm like no problem for your spouse, yeah learning for your spouse, or even like oh, I learn from them as well but.

Speaker 2 31:10

I would say like it feels so like a slippery slope to me that even if you take a break for a while till you get your like heart posture right, because I think ownership, and noticing that can help you stop comparison, and then you can maybe re-engage with whatever media that is like you know, whether it's an account or a podcast after you've been um self-aware enough to put a stop on comparison and you can go back to simply learning.

Speaker 1 31:35

Yeah.

Speaker 2 31:35

Cause I think a lot of times people get both and I would say because I hear this um with social media and podcast, there are so many um emotional health, relational gurus.

Speaker 1 31:47

And.

Speaker 2 31:47

I hear one spouse or the other quoting the guru as weaponry against their spouse.

Speaker 2 31:55

And I just want to tell you right here like I feel I usually feel really strong from the Holy Spirit Like I have head to toe goosebumps right now, like that is unhelpful and that's not how they're meant to be used and I would just call you. Call you on it If you are someone who's quoted a famous pastor or a guru that you like against your spouse, or if it stirs up dissatisfaction or contempt for your spouse, like either stop, silence it or go do some heart digging as to why, and like put a stop. You could actually do a counter habit, but they are not meant, even our podcast, please.

Speaker 2 32:27

If that means you have weaponized some of one of our one of how we show up like Aaron or me, or what we've said against your spouse. That's actually unhelpful.

Speaker 1 32:35

Yeah, and that is no longer learning. I would call it comparison porn is you finding stuff reasons to make you feel really good, but is crazy unhelpful.

Speaker 2 32:45

And it's actually damaging. They were wrong and using someone else's content to prove how your spouse was wrong.

Speaker 1 32:52

I think I heard this person say this quite a while ago. But there's a couple scriptures that spouses like to use almost against each other. One is wives submit to your husbands and the other is husbands lay down your life like Christ did for the church. And somebody once said like hey, you wouldn't ever open somebody else's mail, would you? That would one. That's a felony. But then two if you think that if you ever read somebody else's thing like if, as a husband, if I read wives you're to submit to your husbands and I use that against you, you have already stepped outside of your own duty. You have already become a victim to and tried trying to weaponize scripture. So just remember that anything that has to do with your spouse, your spouse needs to be the one to grab onto that to learn it themselves, and if they're not listening to it, so be it.

Speaker 2 33:49

You're not going to change them by continuing to say you know like, change their heart posture. I would say too that I feel like sometimes people, what I would challenge I'm like doesn't mean don't learn, but there is in there.

Speaker 2 34:02

I concept like Aaron and I hopefully you've caught this but we feel really strongly like you can change your marriage by radically owning your half and getting healing for your half and just the scripture of like get the log out of your eye before you go to the spec, and I think a lot of spouses would feel like it's the opposite is true. Let me get the spec out of mine while I go get like. But he has a log still and the awareness of like. That's not how the Lord sees us. That's actually not true.

Speaker 2 34:34

So you could work on your own half of the marriage for the rest of your life and there'd still be room for improvement. So your energy spent better going after and learning what you can do better and how you can show up and heal like not even sassy, but heal, and then let the Lord do his job on your spouse. Don't do, don't step into the role. Sometimes the Lord is like hey, jenna, I think you're stepping into the Holy Spirit's role again. I'm like what are you talking about? He's like you're trying to convict Aaron. I'm actually the holder of truth that convicts and changes hearts. Your words or post or quoting someone else isn't going to do that.

Speaker 2 35:01

I'm like you're right. Okay, it just hurts our connection. So challenge to any of you that have been stepping into the Holy Spirit's role I challenge to any of you that have been stepping into the holy spirit's role. I'm pretty sure he's better at it than you are yep and any men.

Speaker 1 35:18

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Speaker 2 35:20

Wow your wife, your wife is not the problem, uh, and I do online small groups.

Speaker 1 35:21

Yeah, I start in just a couple weeks now. It'll be september, I believe september 14th 2024. Um habit lab mastery course, um starting in september, october. Oh, first week of october in 2024.

Speaker 2 35:30

I believe. September 14th, 2024. Habit Lab Mastery Course starts in September.

Speaker 1 35:31

Oh, it's the first week of October in 2024.

Speaker 2 35:34

And in conclusion, you guys. So we're going to go back to that Theodore Roosevelt quote comparison is the thief of joy. Let's make it relevant to this episode. Comparison of your spouse is the thief of joy in your marriage, so quit it.

Speaker 1 35:47

If you want to have more joy in your marriage, stop it.

Speaker 2 35:49

If you want to have more joy in your marriage, stop it. Okay, we love you all. Have a good day, bye.