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Welcome to Sober Vibes, where sobriety meets empowerment! Hosted by sober coach, author, and mom Courtney Andersen—who’s been thriving in her alcohol-free life since 8/18/2012—this podcast is your go-to space for real talk, proven strategies, and inspiring stories from women who are redefining what it means to live without alcohol.
Each week, Courtney dives deep into the topics that matter most—from conquering cravings and navigating social settings to rebuilding confidence and finding joy in sobriety. Whether you’re newly sober, in long-term recovery, or simply curious about life without alcohol, the Sober Vibes Podcast delivers the support, insights, and encouragement you need.
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Sober Vibes Podcast
LOTE: Narcissism and Healing, Part 2
Episode 198:LOTE: Narcissism and Healing, Part 2
In episode 198 of the Sober Vibes podcast, it's LOTE week, which means Courtney Andersen and Kim Elledge are here with a new episode of the Livin on the El-ledge series. The Sisters discuss Narcissism in this two-part series.
Part Two is about Healing From Narcissists.
What you will learn in this episode:
- Dive into the world of narcissism
- Healing From Narcissism
- Kim's experience in a relationship with one
- Understanding the process of healing from one and how it will take time
This episode is not medical advice. Kim and Courtney aim to empower you with knowledge and support, encouraging awareness and setting healthy boundaries on this often challenging path to emotional freedom.
Books mentioned in this episode.
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This is Courtney. This is Kimberly. You are listening to the show within the show. Livin' on the L-Edge.
Speaker 2:Come live with us. We're talking about the road to recovery and sobriety and how to vibe and maintain a happy and healthy lifestyle.
Speaker 1:Hey, welcome back to Livin' on the L-Edge. This is part two of our narcissistic series. This is episode 198. We left you on a cliffhanger last week about Kim being invited to live with this person and then him kicking her out after two three days, yeah, three days he moved me in.
Speaker 2:I gave away all my stuff because I work for a nonprofit. He told me to get rid of everything, that we were going to get stuff for the house. I kept some of my art and then just moved in with my clothes and stuff. And before I moved in with him, I specifically remember are you sure this is what you want? Because we still don't have to do this. And I was back trusting him. I was trauma bonded again because some stuff had happened in our relationship and I was very sensitive at the time and thought that he was going to be there for me and he had not been. So I got duped again, moved in, had nothing I'm Ubering back and forth from to my work to back to there, spending like 60 bucks a day on Ubers. But I didn't care. I was going to transition my whole life.
Speaker 2:He kept telling me to quit my job and I refused because I had a network of people out here in Dearborn who truly were there for me through this very abusive relationship. And you know, I had friends and my bosses were great to me and when at some points this person had me like not stable and would like fuck with me while I was at my job, like to get me fired, but I work with animals, so they're all you know. We take care of our own. So he wanted me to go do something with his sponsor and go, and he was really pushing the program down my throat and I refused. I said this is, it's not for me. He would tell me I wasn't working a program, I wasn't healthy. I said I do my own things. At the end of the day, we're both going to bed at night sober. That's the goal. So how you're doing it and how I'm doing it, I'm a different person. So he didn't like that. I told him no and embarrassed him in front of his sponsor and he.
Speaker 2:I went to CVS and when I came home he was laying on the couch and his eyes were dark and I knew exactly what was going to happen. I said I just looked at him. I said tell me, tell me. And he was like this isn't going to work out. I can't do this, which he had told me 20 times before, when he would pop in sleep with me, hang out for a couple of days and then leave and ghost for weeks because he was off fucking something else. Truly, at the end of the day, I think he's gay, but that's a whole nother situation. Like just hates women. But so he left me.
Speaker 2:I sat there in his house for a month. He would leave, go out. I slept on the couch and it was the most miserable month of my life. He had me so fucked up in the head At one point I was supposed to go to California to go hang out with my friends and he was like upset that I was going to do it. But I just needed I had just come off of this dipshit ended up getting me pregnant. So my hormones were all fucked up and I was just needed to go and get some mountain air, some sea air in my fucking face. So I ended up when he kicked me out. I needed the money to go get a new apartment and he ended up going while I'm sitting there. So upset, how could you do? What the fuck is wrong with you? He left to go on a trip to LA to go fuck his ex-girlfriend and everything that I had planned for my trip. He did and was like flaunting it on the internet and just being a fucking menace and being a mess, so just just mean.
Speaker 2:So it was that kind of abuse and I went and got my own place and was out of it and was starting to feel better. And then here he comes again. So we did this roller coaster ride for a very long time.
Speaker 1:And now you're finally out of it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and have been, and have been. I have been for a year. He's tried to call and he's tried to slide. He's tried to come over and creep and my boundaries are like you are no good for me. I can't do this anymore. I have cortisol phase. I'm stressed, I can't sleep Like I'm finally getting, I'm finally getting my nervous system settled, because my five years my nervous system was just like this guy had me on when he knew I had problems with sleep, so he would disrupt my sleep.
Speaker 2:So I was like like I go to bed at four in the morning and he would sit at the end of the bed and wake me up by slurping his coffee. So I and he knew I couldn't go back to sleep. So there were days where I would go for days without sleep and just for him to fuck with me he would like. So I wasn't clear headed. So I finally coming out of it and it's with this. You just have to be good and tired. And I was so good and tired and I just started seeing him for what he was and I was just like this fuck is wasting years of my life and I don't want to do it anymore. He's brought me through trauma. I'm done, so then it's okay.
Speaker 1:In my head. What do I do? Yes, so I think for anything. When you do get to that point where you're good and tired and it's over. So then what would be your advice for starting to heal and overcome being abused like that? Well, first you have to know what you're dealing with.
Speaker 2:Yeah, first you have to know what you're dealing with. And I started reading during the relationship because there were ways that I could manage the abuse. So I realized I was like researching For a minute. I thought he was autistic on the spectrum and I asked him are you, is this why you can't, or avoidant and you can't communicate? If you're on the spectrum, that's cool, I still love you. I just need you to tell me and he's are you seriously asking him that I'm autistic. And I was like, yes, I am, cause I'm trying to work on solutions to the problem for us to work out, cause it's always like something with you, dude, and what narcissist is never about them. They'll ruin holidays for you If your mom's sick, if you're sick or it's just. Nothing is about you.
Speaker 1:So, and let me interrupt real quick because you did say it in part one, and Kim is just sharing her side and what has happened to her. Now. My sister and I have also dealt with narcissistic parents. I've had two friends in my life who were full-on narcissists and again, it's just, it's a perspective. We are not medical doctors. But what's interesting about the narcissist thing is because now and there's so with the internet and whatnot, there's so many more resources. Now, like I have a girlfriend who actually is going to go through a divorce and she was like I would have never known what narcissist was until I started following some of these pages on Instagram. And now I'm like looking back at my whole entire marriage and just, oh my God, and this is like a 20-year relationship, because she was telling me, she was telling me that now there's more women getting divorced in their 40s because they're waking up to the type of person they've been with this whole entire time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's a total. It's a toxic cycle. They'll come back and do it again Love bombing, conditioning Then you get like the discard the narcissistic discard where they just leave you and then they'll come back, circle the block and do it all over again. So I just think information was key. I feel like I'm very lucky because I started informing myself and because I need to know what I was dealing with, cause I liked I like to know people's personalities, I'd like people to be consistent in my life and just and I already had started a healing journey with like my therapist, with the trauma for like the sexual abuse and then healing my inner child from like our parents and all this stuff. So, talking to my therapist about it and she's like you are so smart, the fact that it but it is an addiction. So people who are in narcissistic when people just leave them. I can't believe you put up with that and this and that is you don't understand unless you're in it. And then I was like mad at myself that I allowed myself to get, but you don't know what's happening until it's happening, and then you're already trauma bonded and then you're fucked. You are fucked literally.
Speaker 2:So I just started reading a lot. I started there were some pages on Instagram that kind of started. I started listening to podcasts. I had to get a different therapist to deal with it and I was just like it came to the point where I was just disgusted. But I finally knew that it wasn't me, it wasn't that I wasn't good enough, I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't smart enough, it was a him thing. So he just made me feel like that and would use triangulate, use other people's stories or other women or this to make me feel less than like he would always dehumanize me. So and I and you hear that for so long with the person who's supposed to love you the most, you believe it. So it's really about healing and what you want your life to be and what you want to put up with.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and Mel Robbins just did a podcast episode on narcissism and in that too, the expert was saying where she's? No, you don't create boundaries with them. She was like, because that personality type will push your boundaries, right, she was like they will push your boundaries. She was like you make an internal boundary with yourself. Like okay, like I have to figure out how I'm going to. Yeah, I'm going to have to make boundaries around you or just not have you in my life.
Speaker 1:And when she said that, it made sense to what happened to me a couple of weeks ago, where I was like, oh, this bitch is not listening, this bitch has no boundaries of other people, she has zero Of it. They don't care, they don't care. So then they don't care. That's where I'm like all right, I'm good with you out of my life. I know my sister and I too, in our LOT series, our show within a show, have been like try to work on it with somebody before you completely cut them out, completely cut them out. But I just there's just some people who do not deserve a single ounce of your fucking goodness and you're good and tired and it's just time to fucking cut the cord physically and emotionally.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's. And even when you're like, when you put down boundaries, that is a source for them to know. So they're just going to play on that. You're showing them a weakness. So that's not good. So at the point, and when you come at them, even if it's any type of emotion good, bad, whatever it's a source of supply, because they feel like that important, oh, they love me. Oh, they love me so much that they're mad at me. So like, really the best way with these folks is just no contact. Or if you have, if you co-parent with a narcissist or they're your parent, you just gray rock them. You have to get so emotionally in tune and not activate.
Speaker 1:You would need to explain gray rocking. Gray rocking is where you.
Speaker 2:Just they're asking you a question. It's very short and sweet Like you're just gray how boring gray is boring, like you. Just you have to gray rock them and be so just to the point. No emotion, just yes and no, and it pisses them off, it infuriates them because they're not getting any emotion out of you. And then they get bored. You're not a good source of supply for them, and then they move on and start fucking with somebody else. So gray rocking is if you have to deal with one. If not, you just got to get them the fuck out of your life and go to no contact, because they will take you to the grave and could care less about it.
Speaker 2:So, my, how I got over it too. I started looking at it as okay. He's shown me time and time again. I now have the information. I know he's a narcissist. He disrespects me. He has me out here in the streets looking stupid as fuck. I'm not the best version of myself when he's in my life and I'm not staying true to myself. So what is it about me that keeps subscribing to this?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I really had to look at myself, because a lot of he'd bring out like he'd bring out not good traits about me, so, so, so it's like codependency I had to work on and just learning really to love myself and and vibrate, be that true high value person that I portray out here on the streets, and I really had to do that. And then now it's like now, dating for me like sucks because I can spot the bullshit and if any thing like I don't like, now I just I can't fuck with you because you're showing me red flags, like when you see them, they're really just showing you. If you just sit back and watch, I just had to cut someone out that I really like, that I got caught lying and I'm not dealing with it Like you're going to lie to me now. Then that just means you're like a liar and you broke my trust and now I just I can't fuck with you and that sucks because I really liked you Right.
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Speaker 1:I'm proud of you.
Speaker 2:Even a year ago. So it just takes time and sitting with yourself and settling your nervous system, getting on a fight or flight and knowing that it's not. There were probably things. There were things that I did in that relationship where my reaction was not the best, but that demon had me out here, sleep deprived and maniacal and all stressed and sad, yes, but you know, I have seen demons like that.
Speaker 1:And so have you sit at a bar stool fucking alone in their 50s and not have a soul around them, and their karma is just their pure existence.
Speaker 2:True story, yeah, or not, have a soul around them and their karma is just their pure existence.
Speaker 1:true story, yeah just being story, just being them themselves. Right, and too, when you start healing I mean our situations a little bit. We already knew that because we deal with two people who created us yeah, two people who created us yeah, two people who created us. Who's got this? This is them and some borderline personality disorder, and so what I'm actually?
Speaker 1:I like, I'm very proud of you for escaping that and and leaving that and choosing you. Like you, you had a I choose me moment, which I think is fantastic, but I'm really too proud of us on how we have been handling the two people who created us in their bullshit and just standing up for ourselves in our 40s because we were scared, shitless for a long time, because we were conditioned to be, conditioned to be so. Even if you listen to this two-parter and you're like, okay, well, her story doesn't resonate so much because it was a boyfriend, but I have parents like this or I have a sibling like this, and you can just see some similar stories, traits, I guess, and just to use this and apply it. But I agree with Kim, it's like the education because I've I mean up until what happened two weeks ago in my life, I mean I've been like Kim, educate me on this again. Yeah, and so.
Speaker 2:Now it's like this person's blocked, has no access to me, and you really got to get over the fact. Well, I want them to see they don't care and because when they're on that new source of supply they do not, they're not even thinking twice about you because they're riding a high. That love bombing phase and conditioning phase. That is the purest form let's put it into addict terms the purest form of heroin or cocaine or alcohol or porn. Whatever addicts you're out there, whatever you're into, that's it for them. So it's like you need to get over that and stop caring and thinking about what they're doing, because they're not thinking one ounce iota of what you're doing. They do not care. They don't even care about themselves. That's the thing. Like they don't, they hate themselves. They hate themselves so much they want to bring people down to their level and make them feel as bad as they do.
Speaker 2:So it's my true narcissist that I dealt with. Just happened to be a boyfriend, but I mean, it's like I said, there's narcissism. Has doesn't any ageism or gender or anything. Anybody can be a man, woman, like, doesn't matter so well. And my perspective.
Speaker 1:Yes, and with the person that I just dealt with, it's when you were talking about all those, all those things, the red flags and part one of this. And then when you said that mirroring, I was like oh my God, because I have witnessed this person do this when relationships and all of her relationships. And then the mirroring thing, because I've always been like she's a fucking chameleon when it comes to these dudes. Every dude she has dated, it's, it's, it's, she morphs into them, which it's just what the fuck like. You went from one. You went from one boyfriend being all hippie and crunchy and fucking doing Ironman races to the next one. You're on the back of a Harley Davidson, fucking drinking Bud Lights. What in the world is happening here?
Speaker 2:Because they have no personality to that type.
Speaker 1:But this is what these dudes were into, or I was like what the fuck yeah, mirroring yeah.
Speaker 2:So now they have no personality of their own and then they morph into one. It's just like when you're seeing that it's just, it's really. You just get yourself. So you're like. It's like I did I.
Speaker 2:He just mirrored my personality trait, everything back in us, but my spirit definitely irritated his demons and he hated me, hated me. And I get to the point where we're out, I'm looking good and people would come up and be like oh my God, you're so beautiful. People would come up and say this. And one time someone came up and was like cause I'm heavily tattooed, he's heavily tattooed. And they were like I love your tattoos. It didn't even cross his mind that they weren't talking about him.
Speaker 2:He wanted to be the baddest bitch in the relationship. And this chick goes, which I, if I ever see her again, I'm just going to give her every dollar in my pocket. She goes I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to her. And I just looked at him and I was like, yeah, it's not all about you. Like I'm here too. I actually make you look good. And I looked at her and I go I'm sorry, please excuse my boyfriend. He wants to be the baddest bitch in the room. And this chick started dying laughing. She's well, he's not. And then I knew when I said that like it was going to be a problem when we got home and it fucking was.
Speaker 2:Actually I got dropped off on the side of the Southfield Freeway on eight mile in a hood and I, I can't do this. I'm done with you. You're so cocky and left me in Detroit, michigan, an eight mile, and I'm walking up the exit ramp because I got dropped off on the side of the road and a guy was like what are you doing out here? And I'm upset, obviously. He's like are you okay? I was like, yeah, I'm fine, I'm just walking up here. He's like get in the car, this is not where you want to be walking.
Speaker 2:Just didn't give a fuck. Dropped me off like by a bunch of trap houses and if I wasn't in my right mind because I'm an addict, so upset, so distraught, it was just a normal Tuesday and would have walked straight into one of those trap houses and got to it in my old ways. But that wasn't the move and I made it home safe. God bless that man and he took me home. And that's just like some of the antics that I had to deal with for five years. I'm not going to bore you guys with the details, but that's how maniacal they are. That's how much of a shit that they do not give.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I know it's probably hard too when you're dealing with parents who have this one or the other, because all you want to do is be loved by your parents. That's all you want, and that one's a really hard one, because then too, but if you are continuing to still get emotionally abused in your 40s and 50s, it's time to exit stage left. I mean, you got to at this point, do what's best for you, and Kim and I do grapple with that a lot.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we do. But it came to the point too where I'm telling the same story and we're two years in, three years, in four years, in five years in, and then it's bringing him around and then him having to do the apology to her, to my sister.
Speaker 1:Then it came to the point where I just couldn't bring them around my people because I hang out with some real ones and someone was going to beat his ass at some point. Hey, I'm telling you, I'm still going to have my sweet little dictator take a big old poop on that hog.
Speaker 2:Like it's just so, yeah, and, and it got to the point too, during the last times I was hanging out with him, my body was reacting to him so I would start breaking out and then I would have after I was with. So your body is actually telling you. It's alerting so many fucking signals in your body. This person, this energy, is not good because I've narcissistic abuse survivors. They like say the same thing or they'll get like a bladder infection after sleeping with them, or they like won't feel good and get like the flu right after and it's there, or break out in hives or get cyst acne. So I was like my face was breaking out and then I was getting hives and I'm like, oh my God, this guy like literally my, I am allergic to him. My body is rejecting him. So it's when that shit starts happening, my body is rejecting him. So when that shit starts happening, drop the demon, choose yourself.
Speaker 2:It's a hard way. It's like getting over an addiction. It's tough. The abuse and then you go through all the grieving stages Takes a long time. I'm finally like after two years of like us not being like official and being. I'm finally like settled and approaching like dating, which is like, not the best at my age, but it can be fun. But I'm also very trepidous and weary because I that relationship, my addiction, almost killed me that, but that one actually almost killed me, that relationship.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and even, too, if you're coming out of quitting drinking or a substance and then you find yourself where it's I mean, people can be addiction an addiction too and then or being just being treated like shit, like where that's all you think you deserve and it's not. It's not the case whether it's your fucking parents, your best friend or a fucking lover.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then when you're done, you're done. Don't let them hoover, because hoovering is definitely a tactic that they use, like watching and every once in a while, the text and reaching out. That's just them hoovering. It's not because they miss you or love you, they just want to see if they still got you as a source of supply for them to circle back to. So don't fall for the hoovering and just know the different stages and cycles and be very in tune to it, because it's so textbook that at a point it's so predictable, it's like boring. Oh, here you come, because the last time I dealt I said you're so boring, this is boring. Like I kicked the fact that I used to fall for this and be so excited and happy Like now you're just pissing me off, go away, go away, never to be returned. Zero stars on Yelp. Very ghetto, fuck off.
Speaker 1:It's too much. It's too much. And then, plus two, I would just people who use and abuse people, and then especially to just take advantage of people when they're in such a vulnerable state. It's predatory behavior. It is, and I would get so it's fucking nothing. That is one of the things that pisses me off. Like I would get so mad when you would tell me about that stuff Just, and then two this motherfucker real quick and then we're going to wrap it up, but then like prey on other people in the program it was always women under their first year with kids. It's what are you fucking doing? You are a heartless son of a bitch. So I can't the Predators, I cannot do.
Speaker 2:I will just say this one funny story. So his name came up a couple of weeks ago and I obviously tell my sister everything. So there's a website, a Facebook group of are we dating the same guy? So it's pretty much women out here. When they're dating someone, some red flags pop up, they're cheating, whatever, trying to get to the bottom of shit. Like now there's pages for like pieces of shit, right. So my friend I call her Trixie. Trixie fucking text me late at night. She goes tell me why. Screenshot.
Speaker 2:And it's my ex's fucking face on this website and a girl pretty much trying to figure out like hey, I'm dating this person. Stated the area that he lives in, anything out there, ladies. Like she was trying to figure out. Like, hey, I'm dating this person. Stated the area that he lives in, anything out there, ladies. Like she was trying to see anything about. So Trixie texts me. She goes Kim. I like I want to respond.
Speaker 2:I said please don't. I said please don't respond. I said because I don't want. I don't want any ties to that, I don't want. I was like they start looking at Facebook page, instagram pages. It's going to come back to me. And I said you were there for me during that relationship. I love you for it. But so I sent it to my sister and she's just like fucking floor. She's, what are you showing me? I was like, oh, he's fucking famous on a page strictly dedicated to assholes. So for me that was like justification, because this dumb fuck is out here just doing the same thing over and over and over again. It's just a rotating door. The supply is getting fucking smaller and he's out here just the same tricks.
Speaker 1:He's a one trick pony Narcissist or one trick pony, one trick pony, and I will say this because Kim and I always got each other's back, and I'm not going to say how it happened, but it got back to his employer and that then became comical, where then the wife was trying to get into the Facebook page to see what was going on, but she claimed which I will tell you off the good people of the world. You guys, you know us real, we won't bring in people's names to this show, but we don't want to get sued yeah, we don't.
Speaker 1:We don't have the money to fucking say yes, yeah, so how I got it back to his employer? That was very good to him for many, many years. I got it back to the employer because we petty and karma is real. And so the wife was trying to get into that Facebook page because she wanted to see what was going on. But she was like, oh man, this page like asked so many questions. And then other people in that community were shown and a lot of people were like were shown, and a lot of people were like, oh, that is starting to make sense, that is making sense. So it's, that's what's crazy about a fucking demonic person or a narcissist this shit will catch up to you and people catch on. And then I believe what Kim says, that the what is the veil drops or no, that they just get exposed.
Speaker 2:When their mask falls off. Because when they I almost said his name when his mask fell off, it was the true him Like just a mean. His eyes went dark, like the narcissistic eyes. They would go black and I'd be like, oh fuck, I'm in for it. So it's his true self. When the narcissist true self and that mask falls off, when they're not out here for everyone trying to be something that they're not A good Samaritan, a good dad, a good friend, a good partner, like when that falls off and it rarely does, but when they're caught, in that moment it's very telling. And for me his mask was always off. He was always the meanest to me and I almost loved him to death on my behalf and it was no good.
Speaker 1:But karma is real Karma is real. Well, thank you, sister, for sharing your story and I really hope you write a book one day or start something that helps women overcome this, because I feel like in the next many, many, many years there's going to be more awakening from women and getting out of abusive relationships like that with friends, parents and just-, and men too.
Speaker 2:And men, yeah, men are abused too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I mean all of it All right. Thank you for listening. If you haven't yet already, please rate, review and subscribe to the show. Those reviews help. If you need any resources on helping you quit drinking alcohol, find it below. I will also, too, add in some books to help with this topic we've talked about, and two for parents. There's the best book. It's called Adult Children of Emotionally Unavailable Children. Yes, Is that the book?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that one is an eye opener. So I will put a couple of resources below. Don't forget this one Courtney Codependent, no More. That's a great one. That is my Bible.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I just held it up. Courtney bought it for me one year with self-development until Christmas. Yes, read. Yeah, I just held it up. So.
Speaker 1:Courtney bought it for me one year, but self-development till Christmas. So, yes, so read it, thank you. Read it Also to slide into Kimmy's DMs and let us know what you thought of this two-part series on narcissist pieces of shit. Thank you for listening and keep on tracking. Keep on tracking.
