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Grief and Finding Strength Through Sobriety with Rose Clark

• Courtney Andersen/Rose Clark • Season 6 • Episode 210

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Episode 210:Grief and Finding Strength Through Sobriety with Rose Clark
 
In episode 210 of the Sober Vibes podcast, Courtney Andersen welcomes Rose Clark to the show, and they discuss grieving and how sobriety helped that process.

Rose shares her emotional journey of navigating grief and sobriety after losing her daughter to an overdose. This episode dives into the complexities of embracing powerful emotions, finding connection through community, and rediscovering life after loss.

Rose Clark is a Law enforcement officer, a certified hostage negotiator, and a mental health peace officer. She currently works in the patrol division of the Sheriff’s Office and is writing her book.

What you will learn in this episode:

  •  Rose's heartbreaking story of losing her daughter to addiction
  •  Struggles with alcohol as a coping mechanism
  • Turning point during the pandemic leading to sobriety
  • The importance of processing grief in a sober state
  • Navigating survivor's guilt and embracing gratitude
  • Tips for others struggling with grief and sobriety

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Courtney Andersen:

Hey, welcome back to the Sober Vibes podcast. I am your host, courtney Anderson. I'm a sober coach author and your go-to guide to navigating a life without booze. Welcome to episode 210. A life without booze Welcome to episode 210. I have such a great episode today Pre-warn you, it is a tearjerker, but it's so powerful of a person's story of how she navigated really, sobriety and grief, because it's two things you can do at the same time.

Courtney Andersen:

Right, my guest name is Rose Clark. Rose is in law enforcement, she's currently writing her book, she runs a local grief group and in this episode too, she shares about losing her daughter, catherine to an overdose. So she talks about overdose awareness as well. And, just as mom to mom, but woman to woman, human to human, of all having living this experience on planet, she started to work on her sobriety and then started on how to process sobriety and grief, so she shares tips. Again, this is one of my most favorite conversations I've always had and Rose was a listener of the Sober Vibes podcast, still is, and so if you are a listener of the show because I wanted to do more listener stories going forward and if you are a year sober after a year sober and you want to be on this podcast, please reach out to me sobervibes at gmailcom or slide into my Sober Vibes Instagram DMs and I would love to have you on the show.

Courtney Andersen:

Okay, so if you are looking for more help in your sobriety journey, please check out all the information, the links in the show notes to my coaching, my group coaching, the sobriety circle, or my one-on-one coaching, my coaching, mentorship, and then, as well, come join my new Patreon. The link is in the show notes below. Enjoy this episode, as always, keep on trucking and stay healthy out there. Hey Rose, welcome to the Sober Vibes podcast. I'm so glad you're here today.

Rose Clark:

Thank you so much for having me. It's an honor.

Courtney Andersen:

Yes, I'm excited to talk to you. The conversation is going to be heavy, though, but I'm excited for you to share your story and your daughter's story. So when did you become sober?

Rose Clark:

I became sober August 23rd of 2020. So right in the middle of the pandemic.

Courtney Andersen:

Which great time to get sober. I have to say that, going back to that pandemic, I think that that was, I know for some people it was either the drinking increased right or that's when they decided to quit drinking. So and I just go back to that time, because we didn't have many places to be or to go Right. And then what brought you up to that point where you said enough was enough?

Rose Clark:

Well, if I can give a little backstory, I found out what happened. So I lost my oldest daughter, katherine, to an overdose. She had struggled with mental health and addiction in the last couple years of her life and she passed away from an overdose and was dumped in an alley at almost 25 years old. She was still 24. I had worked so hard with know previously just like going to rehabs and fighting along her side. You know, just helped knowing that she was going to make it. She had two beautiful children and I just knew that she was going to be one of the ones that made it, and so to get that call in November of 2017 was just absolutely devastating for me. My whole world went black. Like there's just no way to describe how horrible that feels to lose your child.

Rose Clark:

I had been drinking for 20 years, right Like it's the way I unwind. I would you know just that was just part of my life. But after that, drinking became my lifeline. After I lost my daughter, like that's what was? A warm blanket that comforted me. You know, drinking didn't care if I screamed and I cried and I freaked out. You know it was right there to, just like you know, keep me going and I started drinking alone. It just the whole game changed for me.

Rose Clark:

In my drinking I didn't want to live, I wasn't suicidal, but I just didn't care anymore. You know, I was a police officer on the streets and I started to realize that I'm like I don't care about anything else other than my pain right now, and so I kind of removed myself from the streets for a little while because I was just imploding, you know, and nobody knew it, like I would drink every night, fell asleep and then I'd wake up in the morning and pop Adderall that the doctor had prescribed to me because it was going to help me feel better and I don't have ADHD, you know, that I know of. But it was sort of like a coping mechanism for me and I started to abuse that as well. I started smoking all the time. I had such bad anxiety, like it's just a vicious cycle, that you know continued for three years after she died.

Rose Clark:

I think the only people that were the closest, the people closest to me, are the ones that really just sort of saw, you know, what was going on with me, because I was able to perform at work and continue my daily life, and even though I didn't want to continue on. My daughter had two kids and I have grown kids, you know, a total of five. Before that, my last dream I had woken up on a Sunday morning, just incredibly hungover, and I was in the dog bed, you know, and I was just like what, what have I become? You know, like I get emotional thinking about it, because it was just such a dark space, you know, and I had just been in this vicious cycle and I was like I don't want to live like this. I know I have to keep living, but I don't want it to be like this, you know I just this is miserable.

Courtney Andersen:

I am in misery.

Rose Clark:

And I remember writing down something about like you know, as long as I, if I continue to drink, I can't live on life's terms. I can't accept that my daughter is gone. I can't. I'm angry, you know, I'm just, I'm miserable. And I I remember being upset with my daughter.

Rose Clark:

I went outside on the porch, I smoked a cigarette and I was just like I don't want to go on. But because I have to go on, you have to step in. You know you're going to have to step in and help me, because I don't know what to do. I felt just so completely desperate, you know, and I went inside into my room and I was really hungover and I started watching Netflix and what popped up was a documentary called what the Health? And I said, all right, well, I got to do something, let me just watch this.

Rose Clark:

And it was all about plant-based and just it was a health documentary and it sparked something in me at that moment that was like I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm going to start with something that's healthy for myself, because I've got to figure this out. And I, the next day, I went plant-based and it sounds kind of interesting, but it ties into my sobriety because two weeks later I was like how can I continue pouring this poison down my body when I'm trying to eat healthy, like it doesn't make sense and I needed something.

Rose Clark:

I'm a real practical person, I'm a Taurus Like. I need things that make sense to me. I don't live in these like ulterior realms, you know what I mean. And so it just didn't make sense to me. So I there was like a little space there in between. You know, there's that quote that says between I think it's like I wrote it down but like between stimulus and response there's that space, a space that lies with the freedom, the power to choose our response. And within that space, something just ignited in me and I said I'm done drinking, I'm done, I'm going to walk away from this. I cried. I was washing the dishes and I cried and I turned around to my wife and I said I'm done drinking, I'm not going to do it anymore, I just can't.

Rose Clark:

And I just didn't know that that was actually going to change my entire life. I just knew that for health reasons, it was killing me. You know, I knew, even though I'd never been to a doctor about it. I knew that if I continued the way I was, I wasn't going to survive it and I definitely couldn't justify that to my children. Sorry, I didn't want to make it, you know, and I just stopped from one day to the next and I didn't know what I was going to do. I knew that I couldn't work a traditional program, you know, of course I've heard of AA and all the things, and my daughter worked AA during her recovery, you know, when she was in rehab.

Rose Clark:

But I needed something that was going to be practical for me, that aligned with all of my values and the things, and so I just started a routine. I just started meditating and exercising daily. I had no idea how to meditate, just started meditating and exercising daily. I had no idea how to meditate. I downloaded an app and I started doing that every morning and I created a space that was like my own sacred space and I started flooding myself with podcasts. I listened to your podcasts, I listened to other people's podcasts, I read books. I just flooded myself with everything sobriety, you know.

Rose Clark:

And three days after I quit drinking, I stopped smoking and I just said I got to knock it all at once. So I kind of just jumped off and and started doing it. It was very hard At first. I took 90 seconds at a time. You know, just get busy and they say that no emotion lasts longer than 90 seconds if you let it run its course without interference. So every time I'd get that craving or something, I would just get busy and little by little I started to see a change in myself, like I just felt lighter. You know, I felt that backpack sort of starting to lift for me of the heaviness of the grief. And it wasn't that anything had changed as far as, like, my daughter was still gone, I was still grieving. But it was then that I was able to process life and face the realities.

Courtney Andersen:

You know, yeah, because I wasn't numb Right, right, and I'm sure that clarity started to kick in for you at some point where you were able to face it.

Rose Clark:

You were able to face it. Yes, and the thing is is that it felt so incredible that I just felt like, oh my God, does everybody know about the secret? Like it felt like this, just so exciting. I wanted to bottle it up and give it to people, because if you're in the depths of, like the darkness of the hole that I was in, and to be able to suddenly feel that was just felt like a miracle, I actually couldn't even believe that this was real, my real life right now, and and and, and that you know, that sort of excitement and joy started kicking in. And then, as reality started to set in and as emotions started to come, you know, flooding through, I had to realize that, oh, I can't drink, I can't numb these, these things anymore.

Rose Clark:

You know, I have to figure out a way to work through them. And then the guilt kind of kicked in for me because I felt like my daughter didn't make it. I couldn't save my daughter. You know, I couldn't save her from her addiction and all the things that I tried to do. And yet here I am finding myself. For the first time in my life, I'm having this awakening, like it was a whole.

Rose Clark:

I think you even said in one of your thing a total rebranding of yourself. In one of your podcasts I think you said that and it just yeah, and it literally just felt like I was like meeting my younger self right Before I had life got in the way. You know, it was just like this whole thing. And and yet I felt like at what cost I lost my daughter. And now this why did I have to lose her to find this? You know what I mean it was. It was hard for me to justify, it felt like just hard. And then I just felt my daughter telling me that it's okay, I'm giving it, I'm giving back to you now, mom, like take this gift.

Rose Clark:

Sorry, I get emotional every time I talk about it, but it just felt so miraculous and just I just feel so grateful, you know, because then I was able to, with sobriety, I was able to start connecting with my daughter, just in a, in a spiritual way, in a way that I hadn't been able to find her, you know, or and just her. I could feel her strength every single day, telling me you know, you keep going. You got this. And I continued my non-negotiable routines of meditation and exercise every day. I started speaking a lot. I'd speak on podcasts or write a lot on social media, just kind of like journaling, but out loud, you know, yeah, and because I wanted to connect with people that maybe were feeling in the same way, except they weren't able to talk about it. And I wanted to talk about it, you know, and I wanted to give people hope, because there is hope. You know, it's a choice right To sort of make it.

Courtney Andersen:

Right, right To sort of make it Right right. In your process, too, though, were you able to connect with her, because, you know, alcohol obviously dulls her senses and numbs all of that, and when you do get sober and make that choice, you really are the awakening. There's just something, because you're able to feel everything right, and I am a firm believer that people there's just some people who are tuned in and tapped into the spiritual side. So were you ever able to feel your daughter after she passed in those three years that you were drinking? Were you able to connect with her then, or more so, you were able to notice that once you got sober.

Rose Clark:

It was after, it was when I got sober, because it was just too. It was all darkness for me. That's all I could see was the negative, the dark, how she wasn't here. You know, I couldn't you know and when you got sober now you're starting to feel things, You're more alert, You're aware, but then also it helps you to change your mindset. You know, I had the strength to change my mindset at that point. Instead of focusing on all the loss about more, focusing on the beauty that still remained and the gratefulness of that I had for being her mom for almost 25 years and for all the memories that we had, I started to shift my thinking and I would have never been able to do that if I hadn't stopped drinking. I'm sure of it. You know, it was just a game changer.

Courtney Andersen:

Right. So how was? Because, again now, not only are you faced in sobriety with the grief and the loss of your daughter, but also too, because you know how I have said, like sobriety, there is a grieving process, just in general, of letting go of your old drinking self, of letting go of your old drinking self and also to letting go of that best friend, because alcohol is a part of your life every day, you know.

Courtney Andersen:

Or if it's not a part of your life physically, every day, mentally, the thoughts are there. So then you had to go through the grieving process within yourself. Were you able to see that as two separate things the grieving with your daughter and then the grieving of your old drinking self and alcohol?

Rose Clark:

Yes, absolutely. It was two different things. Like I said, I'd been drinking for 20 years, so it was part of my life and even though it got dark towards the end of it, I did I mean, I cried about it and I was like how am I ever going to enjoy life again, especially at the beginning? I was like how am I ever going to enjoy life again, like, especially at the beginning? You know, I was like how am I ever going to have fun again, Like all the things we do are that are fun or alcohol related. And so I had to. It was completely different. You know, it was just a separation of those two things, but I did have to grieve my old self and I had to relearn and use tools to learn how to enjoy myself.

Rose Clark:

I would find actually surprising I would find myself suddenly enjoying something and I was like, oh my God, I'm not drinking, I'm enjoying this.

Rose Clark:

What, what's going on here? I had not experienced that in so many years actual joy, like pure joy, you know, and and the clarity of mind that comes with not drinking. And it would. It would shock me, honestly, and and I would be around people that were drinking even, and stuff, and they would still like I would just kind of observe everybody and I'd be like, oh my God, I'm having a good time, what? And I'm not drinking it. Just, it was so foreign to me because I've been, like, I said, like half my life, you know, I've been drinking so didn't even know what it felt like, not to really, you know, until until later. It was so much deeper though, so much more meaning, and maybe it's too because I mean, I'm older and I've experienced this whole awakening in my late forties and now I'm 50, you know so, but everything just had so much more meaning for me, and then it kind of came together Right.

Courtney Andersen:

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Courtney Andersen:

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Rose Clark:

Yeah, I'm a corporal on patrol for the sheriff's office.

Courtney Andersen:

Okay, so for the job you are in, I would love for you to share this, because you see some shit. Right, you are on a job where it's trauma. Right, you're seeing trauma in some type of way, probably on a regular basis. I don't know if it's a daily basis, but I'm sure you see some traumatic stuff. How do you deal with your profession? How do you cope with that stuff? And not drinking right? So how did you process that of you getting off of work and not drinking alcohol? How was that? What did you start doing instead?

Rose Clark:

Oh me, like before, I would come home and as soon as I got out of my uniform and everything, I would pour a drink, and then it would continue on into the night, right? And so after I had to learn to, I would get home. And I think some things affect you more than others, like, I remember specifically an incident where I had to work, a suicide of a young man and me having to tell his mother about, you know, he's, he's passed, he's dead. That was really traumatic for me and I had to, just because I knew all of the feelings that were going to come with that, with someone telling you your child's dead, you know. And I remember coming home and realizing like, oh, I can't, I can't drink. So I, I took a walk, you know, and I listened to some really soft music and I just process it in that way and I, I've really learned not to fight my emotions. I just allow them to be. Like, if I'm feeling angry, if I'm feeling sad or whatever, I've learned to allow it to happen, you know, to feel it all instead of fighting. And that's what I, that was been my experience, and I've taught myself how to self-soothe and things like that, but exercise or just walking, listening to music, breathe, you know, just doing breath techniques, stuff like that.

Rose Clark:

Because one thing sorry if I'm interrupting, but one thing that I that I've noticed is that, you know, I used to have a lot of expectations of my partner, of other people to, you know, make me feel better, right, why aren't you understanding what I'm saying? And I was not ever getting back what I expected, you know, and so I was always disappointed. And I learned to do this myself and expected, you know, and so I was always disappointed. And to learn to do this myself. And these are all things that I'm learning now, you know, in my older life, because I'm sober, right, cause I never thought that way before, so I'm drinking and now that's what I do when I'm having those kinds of things. I learned to take care of myself. I don't depend on other people to make me feel better. I have to learn my own techniques, which is really I've learned that through, you know, like I said, exercise and breath, work and just speaking lovingly to myself.

Courtney Andersen:

Yeah, and it's all. It's all about your process and what works best for you. That's why you have to. You got to figure it out of that. I was not in a trauma response type of job that you were in, but I would listen to 40s on 4, very silent, like low volume, low on my way home. Because when you're on for eight hours a day and then having to take in people's because I mean people will sit up at the bar and tell you all their problems Take on that. I had to and as a highly sensitive person, an empath and I believe that you are as well majority of the listeners, the good people of the world are empaths and highly sensitive you have to process that.

Courtney Andersen:

So for anybody who works in a job where you are in the service industry or in the profession of being a police officer you know paramedics, nursing doctors you are taking on a lot of energy each day. So the driving home, not talking on your phone and just relaxing to have that decompression time before having you back at home and if you're a mother, then going into full on that, but that helps a lot. So the music therapy is huge and everybody should play some tunes to decompress and relax. And same thing with walking it's free and just to get out out there even too, and just put some music on and just go for a walk, that will do a world of good, and just for your mental aspect, absolutely. You don't even need to get in 10,000 steps, just do it mentally. We got to stop focusing so much on steps and being connected to a number than just like walk till you feel better.

Courtney Andersen:

So so, going to Catherine, right First processing, processing, now again and I think you kind of answered it, but process now processing her passing in sobriety. You, at what point started to lead your grieving group?

Rose Clark:

I just started leading a grieving group last year and I'm about four and a half years into sobriety. I attended a couple of grief groups myself. At the beginning they were a little too happy for me and I left and I was really the in the grieving process. I also wasn't sober and so I just I was like I can't believe you guys are just so freaking happy.

Rose Clark:

This is I can't, you know, but everyone processes different and you know, I just wasn't on that space at that time you know, so I left and kind of did my own thing, but I just started to realize the need for community and for people not to feel alone, because it's it can be so isolating. Grief is so isolating and then and then when you're sober and you're grieving, that's extra isolating at times, you know, because I spent a few years just staying in like not going out, not doing a lot of things, because I just felt so strange, right, like it was just this whole new world and I just wanted to protect myself, you know, and I wanted it to work so bad.

Courtney Andersen:

Yeah, Is there a guilt? I do have, I do have to ask of when a parent loses a child. Is there a lot of guilt of? Why not me?

Rose Clark:

Absolutely. It was so much, so much guilt, and that's one of the reasons that I drank because, like I, I tried to help her so much. But when you can't save your own child and then like, why did you know she was so young? And then she has two children left behind, you know, and I'm like, yeah, exactly, you have the survivor's guilt, but also you have the guilt of being a mother and not and not you had one job is how you feel, you know, and you couldn't save them, and that's just. That's just devastating for any parent. You know, I feel it's been, it's been devastating for me.

Rose Clark:

But you know, now I've, like I said, I've tried to change my mindset. Which has really helped me is to just that maybe she was meant to be here for a certain period of time and I was meant to be her mother and I was the only one that could have done that job. And I just feel I try to change the perspective, to being having gratitude for the time that I got with her. I still cry every day. I have a whole room set up for her, you know. That's where my special space is, you know. But it doesn't change that part. But if you can't change your mentality in the way you can, never going to make it. You know, and I didn't. I didn't want to be a victim of my circumstances. I wanted to thrive. I didn't want to just survive the rest of my life.

Rose Clark:

You know, and and I knew that it my kids were depending on that too. I don't know if we have a couple minutes or not, but I have like a little letter that my son wrote me on my first year of sobriety. That's just so meaningful. Is that okay for?

Courtney Andersen:

me to just bring a couple lines.

Rose Clark:

Because I just want to show the impact of like our decisions, how much they affect our children. And my kids are grown. But you know, I didn't really realize at the time. But this, this was the first year of sobriety, my son said. This card reminds me of the day you chose to take back control of your life Almost one year ago. You chose happiness, you chose peace and you chose life. Looking back, that was the most important day of my life for the past three plus years.

Rose Clark:

Getting you back as my fully present mom was so refreshing and encouraging to keep going. I'm not only proud of you, but I'm incredibly thankful for your strength. You are the light that guides this family through whatever turmoil comes our way. Seeing you in such a dark place for such a long time shattered my emotions. I was scared and felt helpless. The only way out was all up to you, and you made it happen. Over the past year, I've seen you inspire thousands, including me, to chew the way out of unproductive habits. The world needs so much more of my mom, but they don't have the gift of being raised by you. Continue to be the super mom grandma that you have always been. I love you so much Cheers to one year of sobriety and a lifetime of fulfillment. That letter just gets me every time I read it.

Courtney Andersen:

Well, yeah, god bless his soul for writing that to you.

Rose Clark:

Yeah, because you don't even realize you're so stuck in your own world, you know of your own darkness that you don't realize the impact that it's having on on you know your children, and so to hear that, just to see him, see me, you know, make this change and decide for all of us that you know we're going to make it and I'm going to, I'm going to lead us into this, you know, it just is really encouraging.

Courtney Andersen:

And and that's what's once you get to that other side right, once you get to where you were able to receive that, because I'm sure if you got that on day one, it would have been like met with a lot of your own guilt and just like you know, and some resistance of like Jesus. I don't want to hear this right now, for sure.

Courtney Andersen:

But getting to that one year, and because that first year it is, it's really just all about not drinking. That's why I For sure, holy shit right, Like those three dark years, I was also too not present for my other kids who really needed me at that time, but now I can give them this gift. So you know, the universe works in mysterious ways of when we're supposed to do what we're supposed to do at the time, and these little gifts and nuggets are dropped. And how old's your son when he?

Rose Clark:

wrote that he's like 28, 27. All right, yeah, they're other grown. But you know that's part of what you're saying is like you're not, you're not ready for those kinds of things. But they come at the right time. You know, and I know that if somebody had told me like you need to stop drinking, when I was drinking and I was in all that, I would have told them to. You know, f off, don't fuck yourself.

Rose Clark:

You haven't lost your child. You have no idea what I'm going through. You know, and that was my mentality for quite some time, until I got sober.

Courtney Andersen:

Right.

Rose Clark:

So right.

Courtney Andersen:

Exactly Catherine's kids. Does one live with you or they live with you? Yes, yeah, one lives with me.

Rose Clark:

Yeah, the littlest one's been with me since he was one, and then his sister well, he's almost 10 now and his sister, who's 12, comes out every other week and when I'm off to be with us.

Courtney Andersen:

Well, wonderful, and I'm sure that that is special, that you you know are part of their lives. And how are they doing?

Rose Clark:

Oh, they're doing amazing. You know, I think they. You know I worried about them a lot at the beginning because they were so young, you know. But I think they just had still consistency in their lives and I have all their little pictures of their mom with them set up on the wall. So I talk about her, you know, when they want to and we do little things to keep her memory alive and they're, they're thriving. You know it's, it's going to be an. I think as they get older it's probably going to be a little bit more of an uphill battle just to like process it all. But I'm grateful, I'm so grateful for them. They're an extension of her and they look just like her.

Courtney Andersen:

And you know I get to like experience a little bit of her every day and they keep me going, you know, and I have to say I think again, I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes, but I do know when somebody passes that by just talking with them, and my grandma did this so well with my grandfather he died when I was one right but the way that she talked about him and kept including him and would share stories about him with him, it's like he was right there. You know what.

Rose Clark:

I mean so.

Courtney Andersen:

I just think that is so important to do of you know anybody that meant something, and to just keep that memory alive, of just continuing to talk about them and it's like she's right there with them. You know, absolutely yeah, what would be, what would be three tips that you would, you would give to somebody that helped you in your process, with the process of grief, especially in your sobriety.

Rose Clark:

For sure I would recommend if I had to go back. I wish that I could have done the whole thing sober from the very beginning. Yeah, I missed out a lot on the first few years of actually like it's all just kind of a blur for me. So I kind of wish I can't change that now. But I think just being present and sober is so important because it really just helps you to process it. Because the longer you hold, you know you, you keep going, you're just holding it inside and you're never able to actually let it be part of you. Like for me, my grief is part of me now, but it's, it's, it's. I have a healthy relationship with it and I wouldn't. I didn't when I was drinking, so that's a really big one.

Rose Clark:

And the other thing is to just allow yourself to feel the emotions. Like don't fight them, you know, and it's hard because it's so painful, but you have to. I just sit there and when you let it process and go through your, your whole entire body, cause you're not fighting it, it's like it comes and then it goes and then I carry on and I and I say moments of the day just to do that, you know, and then I carry on. I don't allow myself to stay in that space, you know what I mean. I allow myself to feel it and then I okay, and then I go on.

Rose Clark:

You know, and I think it's important to find community so that you don't feel alone, whether you start your own community or you join one, or just even online if you can, because it helps you understand. There's so many parents out there that have lost children and you often feel isolated and alone in your grief, you know. But if you can find other people with same common feelings, because your spouse might not understand, or not yourself or somebody, your friends or people they get tired of hearing about you talking about your kid being dead, right, like they get over it quick, you know, and the world keeps going on. But if you have, but we stay stuck and kind of not stuck, but you're still always have that with you, you know, if you can find other people that are in that same space as you, then you just, you know, you feel less alone and it helps you to understand that. You know, yeah, to have each other. So those are my.

Courtney Andersen:

That's interesting. You said that because I have a close guy friend. When he lost his father he said to me he's like it's. And he lost his father young, but he's sad, he's like it's very interesting how quickly people like leave you, like they're all there that first week or two he was like, and then people, people don't check on you like a year later, right, like so good people to world.

Courtney Andersen:

If you know somebody who has lost, somebody you know, even if it's a grandma and they live till 95 years old, you still need to check on that person from time to time of just being like are you okay? Again, I haven't lost a child, but still with my grandma, jerry, I still cry about her. You know, even when I just did my Disney trip and the memories with her, it was the last day I was taking a shower and I started crying in the shower just because I thought of her. And I don't know if you've ever had this experience. But in your grief, in those moments of crying, do you feel like Catherine's more around you? Because that's how I feel when I think about my grandmother and this has been 12 years since she's passed when I feel like then in that moment, because it's such a pure moment that she is actually with me.

Rose Clark:

Yeah, I definitely feel that it's just you have this connection and you're just like, yeah, that memory and the love is there's just all love, you know. Yeah, right, it's amazing.

Courtney Andersen:

Right, my sister-in-law just lost her father this past year and she was telling me about you know her grief and I was like, listen, cry, it's not a bad thing, you can miss them. You're going to miss them for a long time. Are there any podcasts that you listen to about grief? That, if anyone needed a resource?

Rose Clark:

There have been a bunch that I have listened to Grieving Out Loud, I think was one of them that I really enjoyed. I don't have a list in front of me, but I can get that to you.

Courtney Andersen:

I did have several. Yeah, I know if you're an Anderson Cooper fan. He has a podcast about grief. Yes, it's supposed to be very, very good, so he just started listening to his Did you, is it good?

Rose Clark:

Yeah, it's so good, and he's just. He's a good speaker as well. So, yeah, he's a good speaker and a book. I could suggest a book, if that's okay. Yeah, but finding meaning by David Kessler it's. It's called finding meaning the sixth stage of grief. That book was a complete game changer for me Once I got sober and I read that because it just changes and shifts your perspective on how you look at your grief and I recommend it to anybody. That that book was amazing. It really helped me a lot.

Courtney Andersen:

And are you? You're in the process of writing your book, correct?

Rose Clark:

Well, I have, I have, I am working on it. You know, it's a, it's a, it's a journey. But, yeah, I spent a whole year just writing down all of my life memories, and so that's where I'm at right now, and then I'm going to be working on trying to put it all together, but absolutely yes.

Courtney Andersen:

Okay, well, when that time comes, when your book is out, you're going to come back and you're going to promote it here on the Sober Vibes podcast.

Rose Clark:

Absolutely.

Courtney Andersen:

Where can people find you if they want to reach out in chat or if they just want to follow you online? If they just want to follow you online?

Rose Clark:

Yeah, I'm on Instagram with Corporal underscore Clark, I'm on Facebook as Rose Clark and then I'm on TikTok. I think it's Corporal Clark.

Rose Clark:

Yeah, do you still follow a vegan diet or plant-based diet. No, so I recently, about a month ago I did it for almost four and a half years and then I just listened to my body and I was having some other medical things, and so I've switched back and it's okay to change your mind. So that's what I've done, but I still, you know, I eat healthy and everything, and I just added some other things now. So that was, I don't go ahead?

Courtney Andersen:

Was that transition to going back to eating animal product? Was that? Did it feel better? Did you start feeling better? Was it hard on your digestive it?

Rose Clark:

was a change for my digestive, but I'm definitely enjoying how much protein I'm getting because I like lifting weights and exercising. So it was a struggle to get a lot of protein in, even though I managed to do it. It was hard when I was on a vegan diet, so that part has been I can eat less food, so that's been nice and it's been a change. I mean, I was a meat eater my whole life but for some reason, like I said, I made that switch. But I know I wouldn't have gotten sober if I had done that. So I just counted as part of my journey and now I'm on to the next journey, continuing my journey.

Courtney Andersen:

Yeah, it's interesting about that. I didn't eat red meat for a very, very, very, very long time. I would not, you know, beef I would not touch. And then when I got pregnant, I'm like what in the fuck? I just want to eat steak. And ever since then I will eat red meat. Now, where I'm just it was where I actually now crave it. And I know that's a little bit different of going into the body of what you need but saying like, yeah, you just need to listen to your body.

Rose Clark:

But yeah, now you need to listen to your body, yeah. Cause your body's talking to you and telling you what you need.

Courtney Andersen:

So, yeah, Well, thank you so much for coming on and sharing, and I will connect your social media down below If you're in the Facebook group. If you're in the Sober Lives Facebook group, rose shares a lot, too, of her posts in there, so you can just find her in there. But I will connect your links below. Thank you so much for sharing, and thank you so much for sharing about Catherine with us today too.

Rose Clark:

Yeah, thank you for having me. I appreciate it.

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Kimberly Elledge

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