Emotional Sobriety: Why You Still Feel Off After Quitting Alcohol

Episode 231: Emotional Sobriety: Why You Still Feel Off After Quitting Alcohol

In episode 231 of the Sober Vibes podcast, Courtney Andersen discusses emotional sobriety. She is digging deep into emotional sobriety, the unspoken part of recovery that no one really prepares you for. You’ll learn what emotional sobriety is, why it matters, and how to tell if you're in that “messy middle” where you’ve removed the alcohol… but your nervous system still doesn’t feel safe.

Courtney Andersen, sober coach and emotional sobriety mentor with 12 years of lived experience, shares her personal story of what came after sobriety, the panic attacks, the shame spirals, and the emotional unraveling that no one warned her about.

If you’re wondering why you don’t feel better yet, why your triggers are louder now, or how to stop spiraling without going back to numbing… this episode will feel like a breath of fresh air.

What's Discussed:

• What emotional sobriety means (and how it’s different from just “not drinking”)
• 5 signs you may be emotionally dysregulated in sobriety
• Why emotional healing gets harder before it gets better
• What to do when shame, anxiety, and shutdown still show up
• The exact tools Courtney used to stay emotionally grounded through 12 years of sobriety

Resources Mentioned:

The After — A No-BS Guide to Emotional Sobriety
*Short video coaching lessons
*Deep-dive journal workbook
*Emotional regulation + nervous system tools

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Chapters

• 0:00 Intro to Emotional Sobriety
• 3:32 Why You Still Feel Unstable
• 9:22 Anxiety in Recovery Years
• 11:05 Signs of Emotional Dysregulation
• 15:47 Healing Process and Tools
• 23:05 Regulating Your Nervous System
• 27:11 Introducing "The After" Program

Transcript

Courtney Andersen: 0:31

Hey, welcome back to the Sober Vibes podcast. I'm your host and sober coach, courtney Anderson. I'm also your go-to guide for having a kick-ass life without alcohol. I like to switch that one up from time to time. You are listening to episode 231.

Courtney Andersen: 0:46

So today we're talking about something I know many, many, many of you are probably feeling, but not enough people are actually saying it out loud or don't really understand what it is. And it is the why do you still feel emotionally unstable even after you've gotten sober? Okay, if you've been alcohol free for at least a minimum of six months or longer, okay, and you're still anxious, reactive, shut down or emotionally overwhelmed. This episode is for you and everybody goes through this. Everybody goes through it. You just go through it at a different time. So for some people they might not start working on this till three years in. And why I say you have to be at least a minimum of six months is because that first to six months you really still are just trying to get through the day without drinking, even a lot. For me it was that first year and that needs to be your main priority of just getting through the day without drinking and not overwhelming yourself and feeling like then you need to tackle the next, and tackle the next and tackle the next, and sometimes, to be honest, this type of shit that I'm talking about today, it's not going to come up for at least over a year, or those first couple of years, okay. So, again, what we're talking about today is emotional sobriety. What it is, why it matters and why your emotional life didn't magically improve the second you quit drinking. Because a lot of people think that, hey, I quit drinking, why don't I feel better? This all should be dealt with and I should feel fine. And this is a process. That is why I will stand on it. Those first five years is early sobriety. Those first three months is like early, early, early, early sobriety. You are a newborn baby, right. So this is a process and it takes time, and when you're ready to tackle this, then you're ready to tackle it right.

Courtney Andersen: 2:52

So a lot of us, most of us expect after quitting drinking alcohol we think I'll stop drinking, I'll feel better, I finally have peace, right. But what happens is what happens actually is we feel more. There's more anxiety, more overstimulation, more shame. We get hit with emotions. We spent years numbing, avoiding and escaping, and even, too, in those years of trying to escape. Then it's the compound effect of all of those years that you were trying to outgrow or overcome. Shame. But you kept doing it because you were still in that continuous pattern with alcohol. You were still in that cycle. So now you're at the point where it's like all of this is starting to come up. Right, I have to say this my anxiety.

Courtney Andersen: 3:48

I had anxiety early on and I do think that that was from the detox, the post-acute withdrawal syndrome, the pause, right. But then there was a period it was fucking year three this motherfucker came out of nowhere where I was like, why do I have so much anxiety? I mean, it got to the point where I felt claustrophobic in cars and that is when I went and saw my sweet therapist at that one, terry Terbear, and she helped me with cognitive behavioral therapy and that really did help me with then understanding anxiety more and learning how to deal with that. But, like I'm telling you, like I would be driving and have start having anxiety attacks or feeling like I was going to get into a car accident, it was fucking weird. It was weird. But thank God for therapy, it's going CBT and understanding it and understanding where the anxiousness was coming from and then learning how to cope, okay.

Courtney Andersen: 4:52

So emotional sobriety is the process of learning how to live with your feelings without running from them right, without going into like fight or flight mode or fawn. I always forget the fourth one Fight, flight, freeze, fawn. It's not about being perfect, it's just about your capacity, right? How much can you hold on to without spiraling? How can you respond instead of reacting? How do you trust yourself emotionally again, because a lot of people then stop trusting themselves because of years in the pattern of their relationship with alcohol and to then going through the cycle of trying to quit moderating, right. So if this is resonating with you, you are in the right place right now. And again, you're not alone. Everybody goes through this. It just comes up for people differently, right, and a lot of people too.

Courtney Andersen: 5:48

At this time, it's like when these emotions start coming up, you're like fuck, am I doing this right? Like am I doing sobriety right? And the answer is yes, you're doing sobriety how you need to be, doing it for you and your personality type and for your previous history and what works best for you, okay. So don't think that you're backsliding when this comes up. Don't think, oh my God, is this going to send me into a relapse? I mean it could, but I believe if you are still continuing to listen to this, you are done with alcohol and have made that decision, and now it's just time to then start working on this type of stuff.

Courtney Andersen: 6:28

So what does emotional sobriety look like, right? So some signs that you might be emotionally dysregulated in sobriety is you can snap over small things. You fucking overthink everything. You numb out with scrolling or isolation, right. You feel emotionally flat or flooded and there's no in between, right? Like it's very extreme, it's one or the other. You still carry a lot of shame, even when you're doing everything quote unquote right? Okay, I will say this again about shame Shame takes time and there is a process of releasing it. Okay, you might release shame from one incident but come back like three to four years later and be like, oh, something else just came up and now I have to release that, right? So what you need here isn't more disciplined or mindset hacks, you just you need actual tools to get through that, and those tools might look like learning how to regulate your nervous system without numbing out, understanding your emotional triggers and self-sabotage loops, rebuilding self-worth in the absence of external validation, creating boundaries that don't require emotional fallout, right. So this type of emotional work changes your sobriety from survival to stability. For me, honestly, how?

Courtney Andersen: 7:56

When I worked through my emotional sobriety, it was year two to about, I want to say after year two to year six, okay, after I got over that five years. That five year was weird, but that was truly the start. And then that was also to the start of regulating my nervous system and I think that that's it's very in the beginning and I know I've said it many, many times with the tools of meditation, breath work, journaling. A lot of people don't do it in the beginning. You don't do it because you're just like. Sometimes it's when those cravings, you're focusing on the cravings and you just want to get through that. A lot of that first year of sobriety really is survival mode because you're making it another day without drinking, as well as going through that detox and that post-acute withdrawal syndrome, right, and you're tired. So then it's incredibly like fuck you, courtney, I don't want to sit here and meditate. And a lot of people don't in the beginning. True, they don't, but this is a practice that you get into.

Courtney Andersen: 9:09

So from year two to year five. Then it was like then I really started to do the work and to regulate myself. I started with focusing then on nutrition and exercise and incorporating that. Okay, I then started to work on personal development, right. I then started meditation. I then went into therapy. I went into coaching the therapy I just explained to you kind of at the top of this podcast.

Courtney Andersen: 9:43

It was like working through anxiety and before all of this kind of all fell into place. And then the five year I was turning 35. My husband and I were in a really weird, strange place and it was just an emotional acting out. And even, too, I saw it that first year. I saw it where it was like I would go from one, be fine and then get so reactive within a period of 10 seconds of then where it felt like that dry, drunk behavior. And that is almost what emotional sobriety.

Courtney Andersen: 10:21

Before you start working on it, you still continue to feel like this was how I used to act when I was drunk, with lashing out, but now I'm not drinking, so, like now, I need to start working on that and how can I really do that right? And those are the types of practices. I'm not saying all what I did. That's where you have to start putting in the practice and putting in the work and start changing that pattern, because you will get stuck in patterns and it will feel awfully similar to how you felt when you were drinking, like I said. But now you are not drinking anymore, right? You are not drinking anymore, right? Hey, good people of the world, it's Courtney. And if you're in your first year or your fifth year of sobriety, let's be real.

Courtney Andersen: 11:13

Summers can be tough, like a very, very, very challenging. It took me a couple summers to finally feel comfortable. There's something about warm weather, parties and poolside drinks that can make it feel like everybody's drinking but you. But just because drinking culture ramps up, especially during this time, doesn't mean your progress has to slow down. That's where a tool like SoberLink can help. It's a high-tech breathalyzer that helps people in recovery stay accountable, not through shame, but through structure, scheduled daily tests. Let you share instant, verified results with the people who support you, so you don't have to do it alone, worried someone might question your results. They can't, because Soberlink uses facial recognition and tamper detection, so there's no way to cheat it, whether you're rebuilding trust or you just want that extra layer of support this summer. Sober Link is here to help you stay the course of your journey. I've witnessed people benefit from Sober Link and I want you to be the next. Visit wwwsoberlinkcom. Forward slash sober-vibes to sign up and receive 50% off your device today. You can also check the link in the show notes below.

Courtney Andersen: 12:49

So again, creating boundaries with yourself, learning how to regulate your nervous system without numbing. What does that look like? What does regulating your nervous system look like without numbing? It looks like, I said, meditation. It looks like making the choice for yourself if you need to go for a walk. I'm just giving some examples and really doing that. It looks like making the choice for yourself if you need to go for a walk. I'm just giving some examples and really doing that.

Courtney Andersen: 13:07

It looks like maybe you getting your ass in therapy right In talking through it if you're in therapy and you haven't been honest with your therapist yet, that's now you being honest. That's now you trying to face some stuff from the past, the boundaries. What now you have with boundaries, with people, and also to the boundaries you hold within yourself? Right, you may have a narcissistic parent or a parent who has who's an alcoholic themselves, right? So now you have to hold those boundaries in tight with yourself, even though it's going to be uncomfortable. But the more you do that for yourself, the better off you're going to be. Where then you're not going to start shame spiraling and being like why did I do this? And taking on other people's shit?

Courtney Andersen: 14:04

Maybe it's time then you start working on your people pleasing or codependency, right, rebuilding that self-worth. What does that look like for you of starting to rebuild your confidence? Put the fucking quitlet book down, man. I'm serious. Stop listening to the Sober Vibes podcast at that time, if this is where you are, and pick up a resource where it's okay, I'm going to start building up my self-worth. So maybe I should look into some self-esteem books. Maybe I should press play on a podcast that talks specifically about this, right? So it's now. You're just shifting. Maybe it's now more of in the morning time. Stop picking up your phone and doom scrolling, because that is making you super effing anxious and then it sets you off for the day, right?

Courtney Andersen: 14:58

It's little things like this that you have to start changing around for yourself and doing that work. It's little things like this that you have to start changing around for yourself and doing that work. It's getting into journal work and really diving deep and going deep within yourself, of not so much surface level, of getting into those feelings and understanding, too. Of going back to the self-sabotage I was talking about, like those self-sabotage loops, because it's very too. Of going back to the self-sabotage I was talking about, like those self-sabotage loops, because it's very. You'll see, the patterns are almost parallel to.

Courtney Andersen: 15:30

If you are in this right now, where you know you feel like an emotional wreck and you felt like that in your drinking days and now it's okay what are you still doing? What are you still subscribing to? Are you subscribing to the thought that you still don't feel like you're good enough? And if that is the case, you need to start working on that? Or where did the self-sabotage come from? Right, because there was somewhere along the way you picked up on somebody's other belief about you that you never knew until they passed it down on you or told you right, and so then you have to go and do that work and kind of unfuck your mind with that. I mean, this is work. This is work.

Courtney Andersen: 16:16

You do not have to do this all in one day if you're like sitting there sounds overwhelming, I'm sure, but this isn't something that you need to when you start tackling emotional sobriety. You're not going to get it all within one day. It is a process. It is a process like quitting drinking was right Because there is the process of quitting drinking, and then there's getting sober right Because there is the process of quitting drinking and then there's getting sober right, and then you're in your sober life and then there's this. And then after this part I swear you guys after this part, once you have all of these tools and go through this healing process or some might take a couple months, some might take a couple years and really ride it out and recognize your patterns and come to a more peaceful place. That is how you're going to get to a peaceful place by working through this.

Courtney Andersen: 17:11

So, with the emotional sobriety, just know that it really comes down to regulating your own nervous system and figuring out these patterns. And, like, even with the regulating your own nervous system, it's like again you stop subscribing to your mother's bullshit, you start saying no instead of continuously saying yes to things that you have no desire to do, and then you're there your whole weekend's booked up because you said yes to seven things you had no desire to go to. You stop with the people-pleasing right. And then what you're going to find because this has nothing to do with quitting drinking, but what you will find is when you start working on this and healing this part of you, right, you're not going to be constantly still at a place of I want to drink alcohol, or alcohol is the choice right. Even, too, if you have a problematic relationship with a parent, you can get to when you regulate this and work on yourself. You will get to that place with that parent where they don't affect you like they once did, because you've done so much fucking work on yourself. You're like I know your game. I know your game, I know what you're doing and I'm not subscribing, because not subscribing to people's bullshit, too, is part of regulating your nervous system. Just for example, honestly, just for an example, I'm not this is I'm not making this political, but I'm just saying I don't watch that.

Courtney Andersen: 18:56

I gave up the news in 2016. Why did I give up the news? Because it was ridiculous. It's too much, it's overstimulating. And two, if you are a person and it's overwhelming and everybody says the same stuff, they just spin it to their own narrative right. I got back in it real quick in 2020, and then I found myself getting like angry. So I was like, oh, we're not going to go there. No, thank you. So then I stopped watching it and not to have on that chronic noise like that in that same loop helps me not have things make me angry. That like I can control right.

Courtney Andersen: 19:42

And also, too, when you work on your emotional sobriety, this is also setting the day up for yourself of okay, I set the tone to my day. I like again waking up or getting up right when your alarm stop hitting snooze. You know what I mean, and I think I've shared this story before, but that was a point for me, too, where I used to hit that snooze button to last possible minute. And then it came a period where I was like it doesn't feel good anymore to still be living like I'm in my active drinking days. I can get up. I don't need to keep hitting this. I don't like to be rushed anymore. That was part of my regulating my nervous system. I mean still to this day, like I don't think I take it to. I didn't take it to extreme, but to this day I'm like 10 minutes early to places, because I don't like that feeling of being rushed. It does not make me feel good at the end of the day. So I know that's something I can control, as long as I set my schedule up properly, right. So there's like little factors of what I just shared from my story that you can work on to help your emotional sobriety. Okay, and it's very possible, because that was the one thing I have to say.

Courtney Andersen: 21:06

I think that first year, like when, I would be reactive if man and I got into a fight because again we had to relearn each other in this new relationship, and I remember I used to what's the point? Right, like victimizing myself, what is the point of it? I'm just going to go drink, fuck you, okay, and then after a while that no longer sounded good because it's no, that's not what I want to do. And continuing just to say it and be like what is the point of that? Then it's putting me like. That is making me very immature. I mean, I am an immature in different ways, but that felt icky to me. And that is where, if stuff like that is happening to you, that is, know when you are doing the work and healing yourself.

Courtney Andersen: 21:53

So and this has nothing actually to do of what type of drinker you are, because I still believe of no matter what type of drinker you were, because I still believe, no matter what type of drinker you were, you were suppressing through the years and escaping something that you have not dealt with, right, and whether that is you hate your husband, you drank because you wanted to avoid your husband. You drank because you wanted to numb out from parenthood, right, you drank because you were lonely, like there is a reason of why people drink. Because alcohol one does not taste good, let's be honest, it does not. And you want to get fucked up Like nobody wants to just have one drink. What is the point of one drink? People with problems, alcohol problems, don't just want one. That's an excuse to let it back in your life of oh, I can just have one, no, bitch. No, you can't Sit down, you cannot. One turns into two to three, to four to five to six, to a whole couple bottles, right?

Courtney Andersen: 23:02

So I do believe that everybody again, I'll stand on this has to go through, no matter what type of drinker you were, has to go through a healing process, because there is a recovery, there is a whole new building of a life. You don't have the specific drug to numb out to anymore and you have to deal. And then it's the process of an emotional sobriety and like, how am I going to get through the days without turning to alcohol or without now snapping, now that I don't have alcohol because I've made the decision? I've been on this journey for six plus months. I've been on it for a couple of years, but I am feeling myself being overstimulated, overwhelmed. I'm acting I'm still acting like how I was in my active drinking days. Right, so, truly, truly, truly believe. I will say it one more time everybody goes through this process.

Courtney Andersen: 23:55

So, if anything that I shared with you today resonates, I want to actually invite you into something I've poured my heart into still currently doing it, because it's not completely done, but it will be come July 11th and it is called the After, and this is something that people have been asking me for a couple of years about, but also something I have wanted to create and give you this option to help you when it comes to this, and it's my new digital guide slash program to emotional sobriety. So it's for the person again who's already sober. Please don't get this if you're under six months, sober, like, just flat out, don't Focus on not drinking today until you want to get to the point of getting this, okay, but you have to be at least a minimum of six months and you still feel like a mess emotionally. It's everything, truly, I wish I had after that time period, like I said after my first year. I wish I had it because I wish I could have condensed this sooner, like I said, from two to five years or to that six-year mark, worked through it right, and this is stuff I still use to this day, 12 years in, and I believe that this stuff has been more helpful to me than anything I learned in that first year.

Courtney Andersen: 25:25

So what you will get inside it's short coaching videos to help regulate, reflect and reset okay, a deep dive PDF workbook. There's journal prompts, there's practices in there. There is like little checklist about feelings and working through that right Tools to help you stop spiraling, understanding yourself and actually feel safe in your emotions. And a lot, too, is a lot of people I see are not truly working with themselves on who they were born to be, and when I say that I'm talking about your personality. I'm talking about if you're an empath, a highly sensitive person, an introvert, an extrovert. You're not working with that and you fight it. And then what happens when you fight who you naturally are or those characteristics of yourself, is then that it will cause more anxiety and again it will go into overstimulation and you will push your boundaries. More anxiety, and again it will go into overstimulation and you will push your boundaries, which just do not feel good anymore in sober life because you don't have the drinking to numb it up.

Courtney Andersen: 26:31

You'll get lifetime access and updates because this work keeps evolving and I just wanted to make the best possible program for people who need help with this. So right now you can grab it $15 off with code AFTER, but that code is only good through July 14th, that's Monday, july 14th, and the program will go live July 11th. So this is just a pre-sale pre-sign up. I should say so again. You can check out the show notes below and the link will be in the show notes, or you can DM me on Instagram at Sober Vibes and I will send you the link, or, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me. But definitely check out the page and everything is on there. I put everything as much as possible on there for you. On there, I put everything as much as possible on there for you. Like I said, it's a one-time investment and you will get use that code the after to get your discount at checkout and to there is a payment plan.

Courtney Andersen: 27:32

So, whether or not you grab the after, I just want you to know this you're not again doing sobriety wrong because so many people feel like they are. You're just feeling. You are feeling all of these fucking feelings, all of that years of suppression, they're coming up right and if you're ready to feel less alone in that part again, I made that, I made this for you. So thank you for listening. I appreciate it today. Today I kind of freestyled it, but I'm proud of you for wherever you are at in your journey and thank you for tuning in. Make sure to, if you have not yet, rate, review and subscribe to the show and, as always, keep on trucking and kicking ass out there. Thank you.