150. From “SLP First” to “Parent First”: How to Hold Both Without Guilt

In today's episode, we’re talking about why “work-life balance” usually isn’t just a scheduling problem. Your calendar might be chaos, but a lot of the stress comes from feeling pulled between versions of yourself that no longer fully fit.

I use the transition into parenthood as an example, but this applies to any major life shift. When your roles and priorities shift, your identity has to shift too. And no planner in the world can fix the inner tug-of-war if you’re still trying to live by old rules that don’t match your current season.

I walk you through a simple 3-step framework to help you rebuild a more grounded, values-based version of success without “shoulding” all over yourself in the process. Because the goal isn’t becoming the old you again. The goal is building a life that actually works now.

In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

• Why feeling scattered doesn’t automatically mean you’re bad at time management
• How major life transitions can completely change your “identity hierarchy” (and why that’s normal)
• The 3-step framework I use with clients:
  1️⃣ Name the old rules
  2️⃣ Re-evaluate your current values and needs
  3️⃣ Create identity anchors
• Why trying to “go back to who you used to be” usually keeps people stuck
• Small transition rituals that help your brain shift roles more intentionally
• How to create more presence at work and at home without chasing perfect balance

Key Takeaways:

• You’re probably not failing at balance. You’re rebuilding identity.
• Systems help, but they can’t solve an internal conflict about who you think you’re supposed to be.
• Different seasons require different definitions of success.
• If you don't pause to reassess your values and needs, you’ll keep measuring yourself against outdated expectations.
• Identity anchors are where this becomes real: tiny, repeatable actions that help your brain feel safer in the version of life you’re building now.

Resources Mentioned:

• Values + Needs Resource 

Want Help With This?

If you’re tired of feeling like you’re constantly bouncing between work mode, mom mode, survival mode, and “I guess I’ll answer emails at 9:47 PM” mode, this is exactly the kind of work I help clients with inside our coaching sessions.

If you want support building systems, routines, and a weekly structure that actually supports both your caseload and your real life, book a consult here.

To find out how I can help you improve your work-life balance, click here.

Come join Work-Life Balance for Speech Pathologists on Facebook for more tips and tricks!

Learn more about Theresa Harp Coaching here.

Transcript

Hello, podcast listeners. Welcome to episode 150. That is wild. I cannot believe that we're here. And I know that I've done more than 150 episodes.

That's just the batch of episodes on this podcast with this title. So it is very exciting to be here.

And I'm going to be talking today about a topic about identity and how this relates to work-life balance. So if you are somebody who's ever struggled with the different roles that you play, or you've ever found yourself, you know, torn between, say, your personal life and your professional life, then this is an episode that you do not want to miss.

There is so much that I could see. Say about this topic and in an effort to be very focused and deliberate and intentional and valuable, I'm going to really limit what I talk about with this topic, but I will likely follow this up with other episodes around related topics because there truly is so much that I could say about identity.

Okay. So just keep that in mind that this is like barely scratching the surface. Okay. But by the end of this episode, my goal for you is that you will walk away knowing why your identity has felt shaky in different parts of your career.

Okay. And how you can adjust for that so that you have some clear steps to build a confident values base.

That's SLP identity or OT identity or business owner, private practice owner identity that fits your life now, okay? This is something that I will probably talk about this specifically in the context of becoming a parent, okay?

But if you are not a parent, if you've never had children, you have no plans to have children, or maybe you do but you're not there yet, this episode still applies to you.

So stay with me, okay? The reason why, though, this is coming up for me was when I went to the state speech and hearing conference recently, it was the first time in a while that I had been out in the wild, so to speak, right?

Like out in the real world, because usually for the past several five-ish years, I've been working virtually. And it's been the first time that I really had in a while that I had to get out the door while, you know, with time constraints.

And while getting my kids out the door. Okay. And once I got to that conference, that that first morning and sat down, and was listening to what some of the other topics of conversations were about what some of the presentations were about, it reminded me of how I felt when I was a new parent.

Okay, my kids are between the ages of six and 10. So my kids are still relatively young, I'm still relatively speaking, a new parent, right?

It's all relative, but it is a different season. It is a different place now than I was when they were when my twins, my oldest kids were first born.

And I was reminded of that struggle of feeling like motherhood was all consuming. And speech pathology also felt all consuming.

And I did not know how to do both. I felt like those two identities were at odds with each other.

that. And felt I felt torn. I felt conflicted. I felt like I was distracted. I felt like when I was, you know, giving attention and time to one, then the other was suffering and vice versa.

OK, and so whether that identity that like for me, that identity in that moment was parenthood, right, being a mother, I'm willing to bet that you can think of identities that or roles that you've played that have felt similar for you, even if it's not being a parent.

OK, and I want you to know that this is human. This is normal. I did. In fact, I did in my coaching certification program, did a whole course was on identity work.

And we had to do this very confronting project. I will save this for another episode where we really explored past, current and.

And possibly future identities and how that all ties into our real lived experience, so on and so forth. So trust me when I say this is important, this matters, you have multiple identities.

This is not multiple personalities, this is multiple identities that we're talking about here. And if this is totally foreign or new to you, just think about it like this.

The sort of role that you play, it's an identity that you have that you sort of embody and it influences the way you think and the way that you act and the way that you feel, okay?

We have many of them. So your identity as a caregiver or a parent, your identity as a speech pathologist, maybe your identity as a private practice owner, maybe your identity as a son or daughter, your identity as a spouse or partner, right?

We have all these different identities, okay? And they can be... Very challenging when they seem to conflict with one another.

Okay. You might notice that you feel like you don't recognize yourself or you feel scattered and torn and all over the place.

Right. And this will often happen when there is a shift in identity. Sometimes it is a shift, an identity shift that is thrust upon you without any awareness or choice on your part.

Sometimes it's an identity shift that you had some say in, right? Like you knew you were going to be a parent ahead of time.

So that would be an identity shift that you chose. It's a new role that you've, let's say, chose, but not necessarily one that you can prepare for ahead of time in terms of how it's going to really impact your thinking, your feeling and your actions.

And. Sometimes these are identities that we want to adopt, okay, and we aren't quite there yet. And that's another topic for another day.

But what do you do, right, when this changes? So we often think and see this as a challenge with our time.

We now have this new identity in our life, and the way that it feels or the way that it shows up is often like now I have more responsibility and less time to get those responsibilities done because there are more responsibilities, but the time has not shifted.

In fact, now I have less time to get stuff done because I have more things to do for different identities, right?

So it might show up as like a stress, workload, or time management challenge, okay? Maybe boundaries comes up for you.

This like takes a Lots of different shapes and forms. However, it's actually about the identity, okay? Because before that identity, let's go with motherhood.

Before kids, you had this professional identity that might have been your strongest, your most solid, the most frequent identity that you would find yourself stepping into.

And you had more space in your day, more space in your life, more bandwidth to tap into that identity.

And then when that identity was done, you could, you know, you go home from work and transition, right? But then after kids, you can't just go home and punch out.

Now you're still like you're going home and you're still working, okay? And this sort of identity hierarchy is shifting.

Because before kids... Perhaps the prominent or most, you know, the prominent identity and maybe most important identity at that time for you was that identity of your professional role.

And now your identity as a parent has taken precedent. That is a hierarchy. Hierarchy has shifted. And that's okay.

But that's also why I just need a better schedule or I just need a better system only helps temporarily.

Because that changes stuff on the outside. But on the inside, you are sort of struggling with these different competing identities that a planner or a calendar just will not solve for you.

Okay. And instead of trying to get back to where you were before this new role, before this new identity, we have to let go.

We have to release and rebuild. Okay. You're Not going back to that identity, even that identity of, let's say, SLP before kids, and then you become a mom.

Your SLP identity is going to shift as a result of that new identity of motherhood, okay? And so we need to rebuild, reestablish, okay, and shift what those identities mean to us, what we want them to feel like, and what we want them to look like, and how we'll know if we're being successful, okay?

Because before this new identity of mom, maybe your documentation, your schedule, your level of, you know, involvement in planning sessions and what you would do during sessions, maybe all of that felt like it was your primary focus.

You had what you needed in terms of, like, the time. Time and energy to give to that. And now we need to reallocate, right?

We have to change our definition of success to accommodate for this new identity. Okay? So I'm going to give you this like three-step framework.

You guys know if you've been listening for a while or if you're one of my coaching clients, you know I love a framework.

Okay? So I'm going to give you this three-step framework to help you with reestablishing or rebuilding your identities after you've got some sort of shift in your life.

Okay? And I'll walk you through what these could look like. So in order, okay, step one or yeah, step one of this framework is naming the old rules before you have...

Add this new identity. Okay, look at that. What were those old rules? What were your expectations in that identity?

What did you ask of yourself, expect of yourself? What did you prioritize? What did you consider done? What did you consider successful?

Okay, step two is choosing your values for this season. This season where you are in right now. What matters now?

Because that's the thing. When your identity shifts, your values and your needs will also shift. And if you don't stop and look at how they're shifting and what your new values and needs are, you're going to be constantly feeling like you're falling short or out of alignment or unsatisfied, unproductive, you know, like you don't have an impact.

Like...скими... at this thing. Like... You're falling short. Okay. But we often don't look at those values and needs again, if at all.

And so you need to look at now that I have this new identity, what are my current values and needs for where I'm at right now?

Not where I was before, not where I'm going to be six months or a year from now, where I'm at right now.

Okay. And then the third step of this framework, and I'm going to walk you through these in a little bit more detail.

But the third step of that framework is to create what I call identity anchors. So these are the small daily or weekly actions that help you to step into this new identity fully and help you embrace it and help it become more authentic and more comfortable a little bit quicker.

Okay. So those are the three steps of the framework. Naming the old rules that you're still trying to live by, choosing what your current values and needs are, and number three, creating those identity anchors, okay?

So number one, in terms of those old rules, look at what you thought, believed, decided was expected in your old identity, okay?

So let's say we're sticking with this example, your identities are SLP and motherhood, right? Motherhood being the new one.

Go back and look at your old SLP identity, pre-kids, BC, before children, right? Look at that identity and look at what you asked of yourself, what you expected of yourself.

So this could look like number of hours that you're putting in, how much time you would spend on. On planning for sessions, if you plan for sessions, on how you defined what a good session was, on amounts of time that you would spend writing your session notes, writing your evaluation reports, or your progress notes, what you expected yourself to do or include in your documentation, how responsive you were to clients.

If you're a private practice owner or to your students or to your patients, your colleagues, your supervisors, or any administration who might be above you, so to speak, like what were your rules of operation?

And it's okay if you didn't know what these were ahead of time. Most of us don't, unless you're working with a good coach.

Then you do because we stop and we look at that and we question it. It's okay if you don't, if you didn't know what those rules were beforehand.

Nothing has gone wrong. But sort of ask yourself those questions, like I was just saying, to get a sense for what they were.

Get an idea of what you expected of yourself in that identity. And when you have some answers to those questions, then look at how you're still asking yourself to meet those same expectations, even when you've stepped into this new identity of motherhood.

Because when we continue, when we have a major life shift and we continue trying to operate business as usual, that is when we wind up feeling inadequate, stuck, insufficient.

Frustrated, overwhelmed, etc. Right. It's like we have it's almost like we've changed. Let's see. What's the example? It's like we've changed vehicles.

It's like we were driving a vehicle that had low mileage on it. And it was and just go with me here.

I don't even know if it's going to land. But it was a vehicle that was reliable. It didn't have a whole lot of mileage on it.

It didn't have many passengers. You weren't like using the car a lot and picking people up and transporting like, you know, car loads of kids to practices.

Right. And now you are still driving that same car. But the wear and tear on that car has increased significantly.

And you're expecting it to run at the same speed with this at the same, you know, quality that it's been running all along.

This is actually a terrible analogy. When it comes to cars, I'm sure but hopefully you get the idea. Right.

So you need to now I'll read. Evaluate, okay, these were the old expectations I had for myself in that identity.

What, which of those expectations am I willing to shift now that I have had this life change and I have this new identity, okay?

So you are resetting those rules and expectations. Now, in an effort to answer that question, what am I willing and able to shift, right?

We can look at your values and needs, which is step two of this framework. And what I will do is link in the show notes to my values and needs resource, which I've talked about lots of times on the podcast and in the Facebook group.

But it is a simple but very meaningful exercise to help you get clear on what your core values are and what your core needs are.

And I do this with every coaching client I have. I do this with myself. We do this repeatedly over time because those values and needs will change over time, okay?

And they are especially likely to change when you've had a big change in your life. So I'll link to that in the show notes or if I'm posting this in the Work-Life Balance Facebook group, I'll post it there as well.

But walk yourself through this exercise to identify what are your core values and needs right now. Maybe before you valued, I don't know, maybe before one of your core needs was time with friends, right?

And maybe now, as a new parent, that need might not have gone away per se, but it is not as prevalent or as, that's a bad word, it's not as meaningful.

are significant right now as it used to be, right? Now, in this moment, perhaps the need that is most pressing is quiet because you don't have that as much as you used to, right?

Life has shifted and so your values and needs will be shifting with them. But if we don't stop to check in on how they're shifting, it's really hard for us to steer this ship, okay?

All right. And then the third piece of this framework is, like I mentioned earlier, to create identity anchors. So these are like those little weekly or daily moments actions that are going to help you settle into this new identity without losing the old one, okay?

Because both exist. And there are lots of other identities that also exist at the same time, whether you realize it or not.

Okay. So in terms of creed, Creating those identity anchors. Let's talk about what that could look like. When you think about your role as a new parent, what are the moments of that role that are most meaningful to you?

And how can you create these little pocket opportunities, like these mini opportunities in your day to still feel connected to that identity without it pulling you away?

There's so much I could say about this, and maybe this should be its own episode in an upcoming episode.

But I know that for me, when I would be at work, I would go from like... Getting the kids out the door in the morning, then I would drive to my office for my private practice, and I would have to shift gears.

But I had that car ride to help me sort of shift into stepping out of the mom identity for a little while and then stepping into that SLP business owner identity, right?

And then at the end of the day, I would have to drive home, and that was like another anchor for me to kind of step in and out of those identities.

But what sometimes would happen is it was like I was forcing myself to turn it on and off, and that I think inadvertently contributed to the sort of tension between the two identities.

I was doing it in a way to create a sense of work-life balance and boundaries, but I think I over-corrected.

It essentially became like, okay, this is contained. My SLP role is here in a box, and it cannot bleed into my mind.

And so I now will allow little moments of, well, I actually do this totally differently now, but I will allow for those moments of both identities being able to exist, to coexist.

At the same time, but not compete with each other. Okay, so if I'm at work in work mode, when I would get to the office, I would have sort of this like morning routine, morning ritual that would sort of help me step into that new identity or, you know, into the identity of SLP and business owner.

And then throughout the day, I would kind of go dip in and out of that, right? Like maybe on break, on lunch, I might be cold.

Calling or doing, making phone calls or, you know, checking in on the kids, doing little things like that, that could, that it was allowing me to experience how I could step in and out of those identities without becoming consumed and losing where I'm at.

And then kind of the day getting away from me and things falling out of my quote unquote control. Right.

So another anchor that you could do at the end of the day might be, and I was, I remember doing this when my kids were in daycare, I would take a deep breath.

would do some breathing exercises from the time when I got to their daycare, I would pause in the car before I got out of the car, I would do a quick mindfulness grounding exercise and I would release what happened and, and release the, the big moments of my day.

A, at work, and I would kind of pause, reflect, and then step into mentally this role of mother, of, you know, caregiver for the remainder of the day and what I wanted it to look like, but more importantly, what I wanted it to feel like.

And so just sort of slowing myself down so I wasn't in that hypervigilant space, right? You can hear me doing it now with my speed and my tone.

It's still a bit quick because I got my eye on the clock and my kids are just getting home from school.

But you get the idea, right? So that before you're just jumping from one thing to the next, especially if it's a change of role, a change of identity, allowing yourself a minute or two.

To process and prepare. And then I could step into that next part of my day feeling much more regulated, feeling much more connected to that role and that.

Identity and being more present for it and enjoying it, okay? So you can think about what kind of identity anchors could you create, right?

What could you do similar to what I'm sharing to help you shift in and out of those identities when you need to or when you choose to, okay?

Okay, so three-part framework, again, naming the old rules of that identity and how you're still expecting yourself to show up that same way.

Then using your values and needs at this present time to guide you in resetting those rules and expectations now that you have this new identity and creating some different anchors and exercises for this new identity so that you can start to blend and balance those identities throughout your

Okay. And if this is something that you want help with, if this is something that if your brain is offering you all the reasons why this won't work, or all the reasons why you need this to work, but you don't know how to actually do it, you don't have to do it alone.

I always include a link to book a free consult in the show notes or in the comments in the Facebook group if you're watching there.

Book a call. It is a free hour for you to share what is not working right now, where you want to be, and to allow me to guide you on how you can get there.

I would be honored to partner with you in that process. All right. That's it for this episode. Hope it was helpful.

And I will talk with you all next week. Bye.