163. Feeling Overwhelmed? The 6 Questions That Help You Break the Thought Loop

If you’ve been stuck thinking some version of “I’m so overwhelmed” on repeat, this episode is for you. I’m sharing a simple 6‑question framework that helps you stop arguing with the thought and start getting strategic about it. We’ll look at what the thought is costing you, what it might be doing for you (yes, really), and how to decide whether you need a circumstance change, a mindset change, or both. It’s practical, a little confronting, and surprisingly clarifying.

What You’ll Learn: 

• The 6 questions that break a “frequent flyer thought” loop
• How to spot the hidden payoff that keeps a thought pattern alive
• Cost/benefit of the thought vs. cost/benefit of the situation (and why both matter)
• The difference between changing your schedule and changing your thinking
• How to use “cost of change vs. cost of staying the same” to create momentum

If you liked this episode, be sure to check out: 
🎙️ Ep. 153: The Thought Loop That’s Running Your Life (and you don’t even notice it) 

🎙️ Ep. 162: How to Stop Recurring Negative Thoughts From Running Your Life

💥 Coming Soon! Topic-based episode guide (episodes organized by topic)

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Transcript

Hi again, podcast listeners. Welcome back to the show. I'm batching episodes. And I just recorded an episode about frequent flyer thoughts and had planned to then record an episode on shame.

And as soon as I ended the recording for the frequent flyer thoughts, I had an explosion of thoughts in my brain, ideas of things that I left unsaid, wanted to clarify, wanted to add to that topic.

And so that's what I'm doing in today's episode. I'm going to be breaking down on a deeper, more strategic.

Yet also mindset-based approach to frequent flyer thoughts. If you don't know what they are, you can listen to last week's episode or you can stay with me on this one.

But it's essentially a thought that pops up in your mind, you guessed it, frequently, that it shows up pretty often.

It shows up in different places, but it is something that typically you don't feel good about when you think.

And then, as I said in that intro of that episode, that I had Claude, or Claudia as I call her, looking for and pulling all of the related podcast episodes so that if you liked last week's information and you wanted to hear more on similar topics or concepts, these are the episodes to check out.

You guys. Her, her result, I can't even count them all. She gave me like at least 20 episodes that she believes she, by the way, again, Claudia, AI, she said are related to this topic.

Okay. So how cool is that? Sort of tangent, but had to, had to mention that. So, and I'm, the reason why I'm sharing this in like a very ADHD type story telling way is I'm like giving you the play-by-play experience of how this topic came about, but oh my gosh, it's just, it's just so nerdy and it's so fun.

So when I was reading through Claude, Claudia's responses, the first episode she mentioned was episode 153, the thought loop that's running your life and you don't even notice it.

So I went and I looked at the transcripts from that episode. It was only like 10 episodes ago. And I'm like, what, what do we talk about?

I can't remember. Remember, I read the transcript and I was like, oh my gosh, how did I not specifically reference this episode?

Like, talk about that episode when I was recording. So I wanted to come back here before I dig into the sort of meat and potatoes of this episode, if you will.

I wanted to come back here to give a shameless plug for that episode, 153. Go check it out if this topic that we're talking about today resonates with you, if last week's episode really resonated with you, okay?

And I think I will also, if and when I can get my, I was about to say get my act together, but that's not a very nice way to talk.

So I'm going to say as soon as I decide to dedicate time to this, what I will do is also...

In the show notes, share a link to a resource that I have created. And by I, I mean, I mean, Claudia, actually, she created it for me about it's a resource of episode podcast episodes arranged by topic.

And for someone who really gets overwhelmed by seeing just long lists without any like, you know, structure or or for like formatting and visibility differences.

This resource in the show notes is going to be a game changer for you. you want to have a list of episodes to listen to ready to go, check out that resource.

Hopefully it's in the show notes as I'm recording this. If it's not, it means I either didn't finish or forgot.

And in which case, just send me a message on Facebook. or shoot me an email or something. You know how to find me, right?

Okay, so that was a very long intro. However, I think it was all useful. So I want to talk about this concept again about frequent flyer thoughts.

And I really want to give you a very effective, but maybe uncomfortable, somewhat confronting, it might feel a little challenging, even if you're open to it, it might feel challenging, but a pretty simple, but effective, but also challenging and confronting exercise to support you with these frequent flyer thoughts.

Okay, we already talked about last week, what they are, why they matter, why is this so hard? But why you don't want to keep having them, that the importance of knowing that you don't have to keep having them, you have a say in the matter.

And today's episode is going to help you figure out how to use your power in this situation. Okay, so I'm going to give you examples today and I'm going to do this.

I haven't come up with them ahead of time. I'm just going to do this off the cuff, but I'm going to give you examples from coaching clients that I can think of, you know, SLPs and moms who I've coached on stuff like this because chances are those examples are going to resonate with you if you're listening to this episode.

So I'm going to first walk you through, I'll just list out the questions, okay? And then I'm going to come back to each one and break them down in as clear of a way as my neurodivergent.

Okay, so the questions that I think are so helpful to ask are the following. How is this thought costing me?

How is this thought benefiting me? How is this situation or this circumstance costing me? And how is this circumstance benefiting me?

Okay, those are four questions. I'm picturing like a quadrant. Maybe Claudia will make me one and I'll add that to the show notes.

We'll see what she can do. But I'm picturing in my mind like a quadrant of those questions. The cost of the thought, the benefit of the thought.

The cost of the situation, the benefit of the situation. Okay, I'm going to, again, deep dive on these in a minute.

But I've got two other questions for you, okay? These are kind of like the icing on the cake, but seriously, two of my favorite questions to ask of myself and of my coaching clients.

Okay, first one is, or I guess this is question number five, if we're keeping track or count, what is the cost of change and what is the cost of staying the same?

Okay, I, again, I'm going to walk through each of these with an example or two. We'll see where this goes so that this will make sense.

But what I want you to do is pause for a minute, pause this episode, like just pause for a second and identify something that you think fairly frequently, okay?

That might be hard for some of you and for others, you might be rattling them off, but it doesn't you.

It matter, quite frankly, if the thought is even like, I don't know, it needs to be a common thought, but it doesn't need to be like the most frequent.

Don't get caught up in the, you know, in the nitty gritty here. Okay. Just something like a thought that pops in your head pretty often.

All right. So I'm going to give you an example. Let's say, let's come up with one that a coaching client would have.

So I'm so overwhelmed. I think, I think that's a, that's a pretty great example. Okay. Um, we'll see, we'll see if I can work with this.

Okay. So the thought is I'm so overwhelmed. So just imagine, you know, how that thought feels true for you.

If you can, I'm sure you can, if you're listening to this podcast, like when is a time when you have found yourself thinking that, and then what does that look like?

What does that sound like? So for the women that I coach, it might be, might be like this. Oh my gosh, I'm so overwhelmed.

I feel like I've got my to-do list is never ending. Anytime I feel like anytime I feel caught up or I feel like I'm on top of things and I'm like good, something happens.

The other shoe drops or hits the fan. And I'm like, oh, yeah, OK, that was just a fluke. Like, this is what I signed up for.

I feel like I can't keep up. I want to create systems that are going to that I know are going to help me.

But like, I don't even know where to start. And it feels impossible for me to figure out when I can make a system or how to make a system when I'm in survival mode all the time.

Like there is no time in my day. And plus, anytime I've ever created a system in the past, I never stick with it.

So what's the point? Why bother? Does it sound like anyone? So the thought that I offered first was I'm so overwhelmed, but I wanted to give you examples of what packaging I mentioned this last.

What the packaging might look like, right? So it might not be the same exact words or the same exact thought every single time, but it is some flavor of that or it is some like symptom or result of that, okay?

So, okay, I get it. Client, right? You feel really overwhelmed. Like that is a lot. That feels like a lot.

But let's figure out if you, like, you know, I would invite the client to do a thought exercise. Okay.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Come on, Theresa. Stay with me. All right. So here we go. Okay. So the question that I offered, the first question is how is that thought costing you?

We'll just keep it very simple. Okay. All right. So how, if you're thinking like that all day long, right?

That if you're thinking about how you're so overwhelmed about all the things you have to do, all the things that aren't done.

What is the cost of that way of thinking? How is that costing you? If that question is hard for you to answer or seems a little bit unclear, you could also ask yourself, what is the negative impact of that thought?

And I sometimes will push my clients a little bit to not only identify the initial, like I don't often just accept the initial costs because what I have found is there are lots of hidden costs that our brain, when we're in our own world, just kind of like doing our own thing, thinking about ourselves, about ourselves.

Our brain doesn't see these. Like, doesn't clock it. They're blind spots. But if you really want to be honest with yourself and create change in some way, right, we've got to identify the ways that it is costing you, even in ways that you don't even realize.

Because just because you don't realize those costs doesn't mean you're not feeling the impact. Okay. So you might say, well, it's so exhausting to think that.

Like, when I think I'm so overwhelmed, then I'm like snapping at my kids or I'm, you know, short with my husband or I'm like white knuckling it on the drive between, you know, work and home.

Um, or I'll be like at home at night with the kids trying to like be. Focused and present with them.

then, you know, I keep feeling overwhelmed because my brain just keeps thinking about like in my mind, I'm thinking about the things that I still have to do after they go to bed.

Or I'm still thinking about all the stuff I didn't get to today. And how the heck am I going to get there?

So I would say, okay, so what I'm hearing is it's, it's costing you. It's, it's costing you the, the relationship with your kids that you would like to have.

Right? It's, it's fracturing that experience. Okay, that's a pretty big cost. Right? That's a pretty, a pretty big cost.

That's an example. Okay, that's, that's like an example of one cost or some of the costs. It's also maybe impacting your sleep, it might be affecting your physical health, right?

Like if you're constantly feeling overwhelmed, you might just be like, you know, grabbing food to So because you don't have time to prepare something, so you're just kind of grabbing whatever's available, or maybe you're not eating when you need to be, you get the idea.

So we really look at the costs. And like I said, I encourage my clients to go deeper with this.

I gave you some, I think, some pretty deep examples. So those costs might not have come up for you initially when you answered that question for yourself, which hopefully you're doing.

How is this thought costing me? Right? So don't stop at your first response. Keep going. Stretch. Stretch your thinking to identify other ways that it is costing you.

Okay? All right. And then this question, the second question that I offered is a really fun one for me because it is very counterintuitive and confronting.

When you ask this or when you answer it for yourself. Okay, so the second question, if you recall, is how is this thought benefiting me?

How is the thought I'm so overwhelmed benefiting me? Well, if you're like most of the women who I coach, your initial answer when you first start working with me would be your initial response would be, well, it's not benefiting me.

It's not helpful to think and feel like I'm so overwhelmed all day long. There's no benefit to that, right?

And then as we start digging a little bit deeper, I say, I would ask, I say I'd ask, well, if it were benefiting you in some way, what might that be?

Like, and this might be hard for you to answer at first. But one example, if you, you know, for this one example of how you could answer that would be, well, when if I keep telling myself that I'm overwhelmed, then I feel even though I'm overwhelmed, like I feel like I'm getting things done.

And so that that feels like good and familiar. Right. So that might be something that might be a way that it's benefiting you.

It might be benefiting. Oh, here's one. It might be benefiting you because you are neurodivergent and your brain and the way that with your neurotype.

Right. Is that you seek the dopamine. Right. And will often work best under. A deadline. And so if you are in this state of overwhelm, it is benefiting you because it gets you going, right?

It gets you moving. If you're feeling, well, for some of you, you might be in overwhelm and for you, overwhelm might look like analysis, like paralysis, analysis, paralysis, or burnout.

That's a different case. Okay. But how is it benefiting you? It has to be benefiting you in some way or else you wouldn't be doing it.

Not as often as you are anyway, or you wouldn't be thinking it not as often as you are. So I remember when my coach asked me this question for the first time, it was like, I don't know, maybe four years ago, but we were examining or kind of like exploring my relationship with stress.

Thank And how I would put, like, make projects and work tasks way more involved and high stakes than they actually were.

I would, like, amp up the pressure and the stress. And then I would get the thing done and then I would crash.

And that would be this cycle. And she asked me, well, how is the stress benefiting you? And I was like, well, it's not, like, right?

We just talked about all the ways it's not benefiting me. But she said, well, it's got to be benefiting you in some way.

And when I really thought about it, it was, I mean, there's a number of ways that it benefits me.

But I realized that that stress and then getting the thing done and getting the thing done under high stakes, you know, in what I was telling.

Telling myself was high stakes, you know, or high stress environment was like a, led to like a feeling of success.

Like, look what I can do under pressure. Like, look what I can get done. Not that I'm saying that to anyone else, but like, this is what I would be, you know, like, wow, like, okay, you can do it.

Like, you got this, you've got this, you can do this. Right. And sometimes like my brain would believe that I'd have to make something more stressful, like feel more stressful so that I would rise to the occasion and get it done.

Otherwise, if I didn't make like the routine everyday tasks feel stressful, I wouldn't do them. Right. Like this might sound kind of out there, but this is what, if you're really exploring the way that you're thinking, like, these are the underlying thoughts that are driving your behavior.

And so if you want to make a change, you need to look at. the thinking and look at the behavior, right?

We can't just look at the behavior without looking at the thinking. Okay. So third question, how is the situation costing me?

Okay. Now, the first question that I answered was, again, how is the thought costing me? And your response to these two questions might be the same.

Okay. So in other words, the way that the situation is costing you might also be the way that the thought is costing you.

Okay. But here's what I'll say. Okay. If the situation is that you have basically, you're so overwhelmed and you, okay, how do I say it?

Okay. If you, what I would ask you is, do you want to change? Like we would be, we would be exploring.

Okay. I didn't mention this today. think this was on the last episode. So bear with me. But on the earlier episode, I said something like we explore the cost of the situation and the benefit of the situation and use that as a way of deciding what you want to do.

And that ultimately, you can change, you can choose to change the situation or you can choose to change your thoughts.

And I'm writing, this is like a live ADHD moment happening right now. I am writing down a note to self because I just remembered there was something else I wanted to say in today's episode.

All right, I've got that. Let's see if I remember to come back to it later. OK, I will hold this note right in my hand.

OK, so in let's say that in this case, the thoughts. That you have is that I'm so overwhelmed. The situation is like overall, the circumstances, like your general, you know, day, day-to-day tasks, routines, like do you want to change something about how you are operating throughout your day?

Do you want to adjust your schedule? Do you want to look at different systems and processes to put in?

you want to look at, you know, asking for help or hiring help or delegating? Do you want to look at, you know, what things do you don't, you know, do you not want to spend your time on and do you want to eliminate from your schedule, right?

So that would be changing the circumstance. And the question again is how is that circumstance costing you? So the circumstance of having a very packed schedule that's causing you to feel overwhelmed.

Well, it means that when you're really overwhelmed, you are not taking care of yourself as well as you could be.

Your sleep, you know, it's costing you your sleep. It's costing you your nutrition, right? A lot of the similar, a lot of the same answers as that initial question about the thought.

However, we also want to look at how the situation is benefiting you. Well, when I stay really busy, that's familiar to me.

And familiar is safe, comfortable. might not be very, might not be desirable, but in some ways it brings me comfort.

It's all I know. Like, that's just how I operate, right? So that's one way the circumstance benefits me. Another way it benefits me is, well, I guess in my mind, I still kind of see that being busy means that I'm successful or means that I'm, you know, doing important work or, you know, that the things I do matter, right?

I would challenge that, by the way. But thinking about the ways of being busy or overwhelmed is benefiting you.

Okay. So we kind of go through, again, the cost and benefit of the thought and the situation. And what I, I'll go to the, I'll go to the question, or no, here's what I'll do.

I'm going to tell you the thing that I remembered that I almost forgot. Okay. The thing I wrote down.

So that is this. The whole. Message. This is so ADHD. The whole message, the whole reason I started this podcast episode today was to tell you this thing I'm about to tell you right now.

Oh my gosh. Okay. Last week I said you can either change the thought or you can change the circumstance in which do you want to do?

What I didn't say, I don't know how I didn't think to add this. You can also change both. You can change the circumstance and you can change your thinking.

Okay. So I don't want you to necessarily think that it has to be one or the other, especially knowing that so many of my people, my listeners are neurodivergent and think in black and white and all or nothing.

That's why I feel compelled to share this with you. Okay. Is that you can change both the circumstances and the thinking.

And might I add that that's. Really where the magic happens. Okay. So for example, you can start shifting things in your day, in your schedule, like we talked about a couple of minutes ago.

And when your brain still thinks, I'm so overwhelmed because your brain will still think that, by the way, it's not going to just automatically start thinking, I feel relaxed.

I'm so free. Right. I'm so whelmed. Right. I hope this is making sense. You have to, you're still going to have those pattern, those frequent flyer thoughts.

So when your brain says, I'm so overwhelmed, you need to know how to change it. You need to know how to change that thought.

You need to know how to interrupt the pattern and say something different. I'm so happy that I'm finally... Doing something to change my day.

I know I'm feeling overwhelmed now, but here's three things I did today that are helping me to feel more in control.

So you have to shift the thinking, not just the circumstance. And might I add that this, in my opinion, is the reason why if you have ever changed your situation, right, but not felt any better and wondered why, it's because the thinking didn't change.

Your brain didn't catch up. It's still thought, that same thought, okay? Hope that like if there's any piece of this that you take away from this episode, I hope that that it's this one right here.

Okay. Now, moving back on track, I said there were two other questions that I briefly mentioned right at the start of this episode that I really love to ask my coaching clients.

And so I'm going to share them with you. I mentioned them earlier, but let's do a deep dive. Well, not that deep.

We're getting a little we're getting a little long. Okay. What is the cost of change? What is the cost of change?

So this could be, by the way, what is the cost of changing my thinking? What is the cost of changing my thoughts?

Right. Or it could be what's the cost of changing my situation? Or you could just leave it open. Right.

What is the cost of change? Well, oh, man, if I am going to make some changes to. Thank you.

you. you. you. You know, feeling overwhelmed in the way that my schedule looks like, whew, the cost of change is what if I look at my calendar and there is nothing I can actually move?

Like, then it might mean I'm taking things off my calendar that I actually want to be doing. And now I'm like saying no to people and that's going to be maybe a little bit awkward or a little uncomfortable.

So if I am trying to change my schedule so that my hours are, you know, they line up with my my kids schedule, my own family schedule, that might mean I have to like lose a few clients or, oh, it might mean like a really like that's going to be an awkward conversation.

I know they're not going to be happy when I tell them. Right. So these are some of those costs.

Costs of change. This, and by the way, your answers, your responses could be infinite. There's this like endless. Okay.

This is just through my lens or through my, my coaching clients lens. Okay. And then the final question, what is the cost?

And this one is my favorite. What is the cost of staying the same, right? Sometimes the cost of change is investing in coaching, right?

Like the cost of change might be okay. I am investing in this course or I'm investing in this membership or I'm investing with this coach and I'm going to have to do things that are uncomfortable.

I'm going to have to, you know, that's going to be a financial cost. That's an investment that I'm making.

And what if I fail? Like what if I try? And it doesn't work. Right. That can also be some of the costs in changing.

However, what I would offer is that the answer to that final question is the one that you really need to ask for yourself.

I've just paused and heard myself say that out loud. I don't think that made sense at all. But hopefully you got the idea.

What is the cost of staying the same? OK, if you don't change this, if you don't change your schedule, what you say yes to when you know what you put on the calendar for your kids, if you don't change this situation, what is it going to cost you to.

Stay here and stay the same. While I am really uncomfortable right now, like I'm imagining, this is what my coaching client would say, maybe this is what you would say.

I am really uncomfortable right now. And sometimes that's more my words than maybe yours, by the way, but I will point that out.

I will point that out to the women who I'm coaching is, yeah, okay, the cost is like uncomfortable and the, you know, the cost of change is, you know, risky.

It is uncomfortable. It is unfamiliar. It is going to disappoint people. It is going to be, you know, awkward maybe.

However, you're already feeling uncomfortable. You're already unhappy. You're already experiencing something that is negative, right? In your view. So if you're going to be uncomfortable.

Either way, why not be uncomfortable for a little while and start making the change, right? Rather than just staying the same without changing the thoughts and without changing the thinking.

Because if you continue to have these frequent flyer thoughts and you don't change the situation and or change your thinking, you're going to be in the exact same place that you're in now, in six months from now, in a year from now, right?

Ask me how I know. I have been there. I coach people who have been there, right? So if the cost of staying the same is greater than the cost of change, that's your indicator to change the situation and to.

Change the thinking. All right, that is it for this episode. And if you want to reach out and talk about how I can help you change the situation or change your thinking and change them both, reach out.

There is a link in the show notes. I would love to talk with you and walk you through it.

All right, that's it for this episode. Talk to you guys soon.