Toxic Relationships: The Hidden Symptom of Procrastination & Self Sabotage

Ever found yourself trapped in a cycle of self-sabotage and trauma after a toxic relationship? Ever wonder why we use harmful coping mechanisms like emotional eating, alcohol abuse, and reactive behavior to numb the pain, only to create further trauma? Let's embark on this transformative journey together. We'll uncover the scars left by traumatic experiences and the impact they have on our self-perception and self-worth.

Dr. Amen Kaur will lead us through the process of healing and rebuilding our self-confidence. We'll examine how destructive habits can prevent us from enjoying the success we deserve, and how our subconscious beliefs can hold us hostage without us even realizing. We'll then move towards acknowledging our trauma, bringing it into the light so we can take control and begin the journey of self-love and self-care. Trust us, there is a brighter future awaiting us all, and with Dr. Kaur's expertise, we can break free from our pasts, embrace our inner greatness, and rekindle our dreams. The first step to healing is listening, so let's begin this journey together.

Resources
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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is Dr Eman Kaur, and each week we will bring you an important message as we explore how to detox toxic relationships. The aim of this podcast is for you to unlock your own inner knowing, your own inner greatness, so you can know how to heal from the impact of a toxic relationship, so you can get your life back on track and live your best life. After all, we are all worthy of loving our life. One of the major problems we encounter after toxic relationships is the ways we have to numb and manage our emotions. There are so many ways that we do this. Sometimes it's through emotional eating, sometimes it's alcohol. There are so many ways that we will do this because we just find it really hard to face up to the pain of what we've been through. There really is so much pain, and the real reason we're trying to do this is we're trying to hide and not feel those insecure feelings, the vulnerability which tapped into our triggers, and when we get triggered by the narcissist or anything else, we start to worry about how we're reacting. We start to worry about the triggers and how we feel and how we can be out of character. This then causes more trauma. So then trauma causes more trauma and that's the reason why it gets harder and harder to recover. As we get older, emotional eating becomes more exhausting, and it's really understandable, for example, if you are struggling with emotional eating, this will then create more trauma. When you're not able to do what you need to do because maybe you're not able, you don't have as much energy as you used to. It's a way of sabotaging our self. You're not able to do what you was always wanting to do and eventually you'll get into a position where you'll feel like you're not good enough. And then another way might be that you're not able to do what you were wanting to do is creating reactive abuse. So when the narcissist says something to you or when somebody else says something to you, the trauma gets triggered and you react out of character. So a lot of times you're not reacting, You're calm. You're maybe in the phone scenario where you're trying to appease them, or you're in freeze. You're trying not to react, you're trying to stay calm, stay calm, stay calm. And then all of a sudden you just blow up and it's out of character for you For instance, your partner's cheating and they won't give you the phone, and then the pain of that means that you've just overreacted. You've taken their phone and you've smashed it and that's totally out of character for you and you've never done anything like that before. But since it's a toxic relationship and now you're reacting in this way, you then start to feel like you're losing your head, you're losing who you are.

Speaker 1: 3:33

So this is an example of how you've got the trauma and it's creating more trauma where you're then triggered. And because you're triggered and you're reacting out of character, that then creates more trauma for you. In the way, now you're judging yourself and perhaps you're reliving the way you reacted and you're trying to make sense of it and you're worried what will people think of you? And then that trauma, that reaction, is then used against you. Maybe your children are taken away from you. Then there's more trauma because of the injustice of it all and it sounds a bit dramatic, but I talk to people that are dealing with these scenarios day in and day out, where they're even replaying how they've reacted over and over in the head.

Speaker 1: 4:23

If you are going through a difficult scenario, you really need to heal your traumas so you don't get triggered. You need to look after yourself so you don't start to doubt who you are, you don't start to doubt the potential that you had. You don't start to doubt the dreams that you once had. Because of the deep pain that the narcissist has created for you, you're not going to be able to do what you wanted to do the main reason why you put on this surf to fulfill your dreams because of what's happened with the narcissist. If you do not want something you know, if you don't want all your dreams to be shattered because of this toxic relationship, you really need to look at how do you identify with yourself right now. What is your current identity and what is it that you want to fulfill in your future? Do you even have a future vision anymore or have you given up on it?

Speaker 1: 5:23

You see, if your present trauma is killing you, it's literally destroying all the opportunities that you have as well, and then you start to give up all the happiness and the potential for happiness. You start to give up on the potential happiness, and that's where we the future depends on our ability to deal with the trauma, because trauma basically creates barriers, barriers to creating relationships, love, joy, happiness, peace. Well, we can't experience that, and that's all because of the impact of trauma, and sometimes we want to move forward for a better future, but the biggest issue is that we no longer even know what we want, because we can't see a future like we once did, and this is because part of the brain called the hippocampus starts to shrink. This is a big thing, so the best thing you can do is make a decision, just make a decision that you're going to start on a journey so that you can see beyond the struggle that you're currently in, despite not not knowing if it's possible or anything like that, and we have to accept this in the beginning, that it's not going to be easy and we're going to have to put a lot of effort in to actually Find who you are again, because you've got to try and get your hippocampus back to where it was, you know, and initially you are going to have to put more effort in. It's like very much like a train. You know a train starts off slow and then you start to speed up, but you have to invest more energy, more time, more money, more Focus in something to start. And once you get going and you start to uncover the pain and you look at all the emotions, the mindset you start speeding up towards what it is that you want, and then you look at taking care of you.

Speaker 1: 7:28

If we can't take care of ourself, who can we take care of? You are the most important person in your life. Without you, there is nothing, you can't experience anything, and the transformation is what happens within your own mind During a toxic relationship. You, you realize that you hadn't been acknowledged. And the issue is you weren't just acknowledged, you weren't just not acknowledged and heard and seen by the narcissist. You yourself stop to acknowledge and see and hear yourself.

Speaker 1: 8:07

That's why we lose our confidence, because we're not seeing who we are. The only thing we have is our own word for ourself. Can you trust in yourself? Can you take care of yourself? Because a lot of the times we say things and the reason why it doesn't happen is because we don't believe what we say. We don't really believe in ourself anymore. We're saying things to the people outside of ourselves, but inside we're constantly letting ourself down. We don't even believe. Like you know, I'm not going to eat that cake or I'm going to stand up for myself next time, but you don't do it. And then what happens over time is we learn to, we lose trust with our own word, what we say, and the person you need to trust the most when it comes to doing what you need to do is yourself.

Speaker 1: 9:01

You might have said I'm going to leave them, and then you break that trials. It's about making sure you're compassionate and supporting yourself. Don't tell yourself I'm going to leave them. Tell yourself I'm willing to see myself, hear myself and be there for myself. That is something that you can do. Don't put yourself in a scenario where your you break that trust with yourself, where you feel like you're letting yourself down, where you call yourself Things like a fool and things like that, where you don't feel like you can trust yourself, because that's how the narcissist takes us away from everything that we have, because it's breaking that connection to who we are. Make a different kind of commitment to yourself where you're saying I am going to Take care of myself to the best of my ability right now, you know. So you start to look and like the person that you are.

Speaker 1: 10:05

Start off small. Don't make huge promises that you think that you're going to break. That's what's really hurting you right now. If you say to yourself I'm not going to allow this to happen, and then you do, then you start judging yourself and devaluing yourself, and that's the problem. That's the real problem. The real problem is the devaluation that you have within yourself, and that's what happens when you don't trust you. You start to devalue yourself, and that's when the narcissist is completely one, because not only are they taking you through the devaluation Cycle, they're letting you do it to yourself Over and over again.

Speaker 1: 10:45

So you need to approach yourself differently. You need to approach life differently than you had before. Don't give up before you've even started. Allow yourself To, step by step, get back up. Otherwise it's exhausting if you make promises that you're not able to do by yourself. So the process is trust yourself first, even if it's small. And once you start on this journey, once you start making that commitment to yourself Not just through the therapy that you do it will become a lifestyle for you where you start to believe in you again and then you're doing the emotional, the psychological and spiritual work to actually become a new person. If you get support To actually heal yourself on top of that, you literally turn into a different person, and that is what I want for you for 2024.

Speaker 1: 11:42

If you start doing this, you will start to experience joy again and when you've been for a toxic relationship, we have to accept there's emotional, psychological and spiritual Alignment. That needs to happen. We're not aligned anymore, we haven't got a holistic approach to healing and we need to be aligned again so you start to feel connected back to you, so that you can trust yourself, so you can know yourself again, and with that Comes an immense sense of confidence. If you know you are going to be there for you emotionally and you're not going to just stuff those emotions down and pretend they're not happening, you will get a strong mindset. If you've got a strong mindset but you feel emotionally out of control, your nervous system will get triggered and you will not feel confident and you will not feel you can trust yourself and you will call yourself things like oh, how did I allow this to happen? If you work on the areas that are out of alignment, looking at yourself in a holistic way, then Alignment is powerful and your quality of life will be off the charts. So you need to do a recce.

Speaker 1: 12:59

Have a look at your life right now. Where are you? What is it that needs aligning? Is it your emotions? Is it your nervous system? You know what is it that you're out of sync. Oh, don't just stuff it down and think your mindset can override everything. It's not how it works. You need to align everything so everything just flows. You see, then you'll realize that you're not broken.

Speaker 1: 13:24

But actually, all these processes, all these experiences that, if you have been through, allowing you to see the beauty in you moving forward, you see, trauma happens when we're not seen, heard and understood for what we, what we earn, who we are. You are deserved to be loved, and when you're not loved in the way that you deserve, it hurts. So take a moment, how often on a daily basis are you not heard and seen for who you truly are? How often are you pretending that you're okay when you're not? How often do you have to numb yourself? Know that this pain will just accumulate.

Speaker 1: 14:07

More and more pain occurs and then we have to numb. We have to. There's no other way. And that's when we get into our unhealthy habits that will actually jeopardize everything. We might start to procrastinate self-sabotage, drink more, take drugs, shop more. We'll find ways of numbing because we can't deal with success anymore.

Speaker 1: 14:35

If you have a lot of trauma, you will find ways of self sabotaging and breaking everything down so that you are no longer successful because you're not in alignment. You're subconscious. It isn't like you are allowed to have what it is that you want. You're allowed to have love. Then we can't deal with being seen and heard and understood. Let me give you an example of that. Have you ever seen lots of famous people? They're highly successful and yet they committed suicide or they've got an addiction problem? It's because they've numbed so much pain that they can't enjoy their success, the very thing they were desperate, they worked so hard for in life they would have done anything for. The trauma that they haven't healed is actually living, stopping them from actually enjoying and living the greatest moments in their life.

Speaker 1: 15:33

When we have trauma, we have to deal with the stress so that we can move forward. We're not made to handle the high levels of stress and trauma that we have endured in toxic relationships, no matter how strong you are and I know you're very strong and you might believe that I should be strong enough to deal with it myself why, why should you? Why should your body have to be able to deal with this? Why should your mindset have to be able to deal with this? You think that you have to figure it out and keep going because you want to get results in your life. You want to keep doing this, but it's killing you.

Speaker 1: 16:18

Struggling is not healing. You have to find other ways of healing and it's not in alcohol, it's not in drugs, it's not in those things that you need to numb. Of course alcohol, you know, whatever it is, that you do in small doses is fine, but don't use it. If you're finding that is your way of numbing, it's just because you're not dealing with past issues. So you have to change your present situation and so that you can feel happiness and joy in your future. Your body keeps score of everything.

Speaker 1: 16:59

Every time the narcissist abused you and you didn't say anything, you stored that stress in your body. And I'm not saying that you should say something to a narcissist, because you have to think about your safety. And then you've got all these other stresses on top of that, that normal life. Maybe you've had a stressful project that you've been dealing with, or some other things happening where your children are struggling in some way, or you've had a miscarriage, or you can't stop life from happening, or somebody's passed away that you really love, so you're grieving as well. Your body will release stress and your mind and your emotions are under that kind of stress.

Speaker 1: 17:43

We need to learn how to deal with our issues, the lies, the hurts and the layers of pain that the narcissist has put us through. And the thing is, the narcissist has trained us that we have to be perfect at everything. So can you understand the stress that you've been through? How many times have you been criticized or blamed or shamed for everything? Do you can't get anything right or you're wrong? They make you feel like you're wrong and they tell you that you're not doing enough for them or you don't love them enough, that you're unreasonable or unrealistic, that you're not doing enough for them, that you are the one with the issue you've got, the one with the trauma. You have got so much that you've coped with, and the narcissist hasn't been responsible for anything, not one thing. Just think about the trauma that you're dealing with on a day-to-day level because of this. It's huge and it's affecting now everything you're doing.

Speaker 1: 18:42

Life isn't perfect, and having standards for yourself that are so high, and some in a really unhealthy way, means there's no room for mistakes anymore and you might be telling yourself you're a failure or because you've not been able to succeed at this relationship, then you have to connect with that pain of feeling like a failure, because there is where the goodness is, because that is where you can get to how you have been conditioned that way and release it and heal it. Otherwise, you will feel like you're failing all the time and you're blaming yourself all the time on a subconscious level. What we have to do is actually get to our core beliefs that we have, because that is what our identity is and how we live our life and how we see ourselves. Right now, if we can't move forward and let go, it's because there's a core belief that you believe that you can't do it. Underneath something, you might have a core emotional wound where you feel so vulnerable and hurt that you don't feel you can trust yourself anymore.

Speaker 1: 19:54

We're afraid that we won't be seen, heard and understood and I'll ask you take a moment today. Watch people around you, you know. Just take a moment. Go to a coffee shop and just watch everyone and look at people and see. Every single person wants to be seen, heard and understood. If there's a person driving an expensive car, why, why, what is it they want to be seen. If it's that woman that's wearing a beautiful handbag. They want to be seen, heard and they want to be acknowledged. This is innate. Are you seeing and hearing you? Are you giving yourself the time?

Speaker 1: 20:42

If there is core trauma at core within you, are you seeing it, hearing it and being with it, allowing yourself to move through that so that you can let it go and you can allow yourself to shine bright?

Speaker 1: 20:58

If you never stop and examine your trauma subconsciously, it will run your life and it can destroy you. The best thing you can do is actually acknowledge it and bring it to the conscious level and then you become in control rather than the trauma becomes in control. And if you're looking to heal from your core trauma, then please do look at the resources section. I have an incredible program is four months and by 2024 you're going to be in 2024 you're going to be a completely different person. You're going to be living more through you rather than your, your trauma being in control of you. And if that is something you want and you're serious and you don't want your trauma being in control of you anymore, then please do look at the resources section and start being compassionate and loving towards yourself about what you can do. Give yourself commitments so that you can learn to trust yourself. And if you really want to trust yourself moving forward, then please do look at the resources section. Till next time, keep being loving to yourself.