Toxic Relationships: How Narcissistic Relationships Changes Your Presence

Ever been trapped in a toxic relationship with a narcissist, where your emotions were manipulated and your self-esteem eroded? Well, this podcast episode is your safe haven. Dr. Amen Kaur, who unravels the complex web spun by narcissists and offers insightful perspectives on healing from such toxicity. The stark aftermath of narcissistic abuse and the profound impact it has on our sense of self underpins this enlightening discussion.

We make no bones about the challenges that lie ahead. Battling the haunting echoes of a toxic relationship can be daunting, but we promise, reclaiming your identity is possible and very much within reach. As Dr. Kaur adeptly explains, the first step is acknowledging that you are not at fault. The second, dismantling the illusion a narcissist has created, and the third, focusing on rebuilding your identity. We provide a compassionate space for reflection and growth, constantly reminding you of the absolute necessity of self-love and kindness. Remember, healing is a journey, and you are not alone.

 Resources
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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is Dr Eman Kaur, and each week we will bring you an important message as we explore how to detox toxic relationships. The aim of this podcast is for you to unlock your own inner, knowing your own inner greatness, so you can know how to heal from the impact of a toxic relationship, so you can get your life back on track and live your best life. After all, we are all worthy of loving our life. Today, we're going to be looking at what happens after a narcissistic abuse, and the main thing that I hear over and over again is not feeling like yourself. You're just not being able to feel like yourself again, and one of the main components of that is not being able to be in the present moment anymore. Some people describe it as a feeling of not being able to feel joy, happiness and just a peace of mind. Sometimes people don't realize that they haven't even laughed like they used to. It's like, no matter what you're doing, part of your mind is like it's still focusing on them. So you could be out with a friend doing something that normally brings you so much joy, and now you're not able to focus on that anymore. It's like they still hold so much control. So before we go into that, I just wanted to say thank you so much for being here and just a quick message before we dive into this a bit more. Maybe you've been watching or listening to this, but you haven't actually managed to click or subscribe or even rate this podcast. So if you have gained any value from these series or podcasts, it would mean so much to me if you could subscribe right now and support this channel, because it's not only that you'll be able to see the new releases, you'll get notified first when it comes out, but you'll be supporting other people to find this information as well. You know as well as I do how difficult narcissistic abuse is. If you can help me reach more people, it would be amazing. And look, thank you so much for listening and for your support. It means the world to me to be able to continue to do this work so that we can create more freedom in the world from narcissistic trauma. So make sure you do click the subscribe button and let's dive deep into this conversation.

Speaker 1: 2:56

There's quite a few topics that I wanna cover. Talk about stress, anxiety, what is stress and anxiety and how it's the basis of suffering, and what does it mean to suffer when we've been through a toxic relationship. We have been through so much suffering, immense suffering, especially because we are strong Immense stuff. During immense suffering, we start to question and doubt ourself long after the suffering has ended, and that's how we need to acknowledge that we're still stuck to some degree. We need to get out of this suffering. This isn't a way to live. This isn't what you deserve and how you're supposed to live. Moving forward, the truth is, our mind can get stuck in a loop where we continue to think about what we've endured, and I believe being in a toxic relationship is really suffering in silence.

Speaker 1: 4:06

Narsacistic abuse is about falling into the trap of believing somebody else's false identity, the illusion. It's someone who's cultivated an illusion and we have to come to terms with. We've been drawn into a fake reality. It doesn't matter if other people believe us or not. It was an illusion and we have invested so much time, money and energy into this illusion. It won't make sense to anybody else, just like it doesn't make any sense to us. We have suffered and yet there's this feeling, this compulsion to keep up appearances, to show the world that we're okay, and to keep up this illusion of this life is what causes the most incongruency in our life. The part of your life where there's the narcissistic relationship is the part that is incongruent. That's the lie in your life and that's where we're suffering On such a deep level. We're trying to tell ourselves that it's all okay, I can manage, and during this phase, we're desperately trying to fix the narcissist why. So we can feel like everything's okay, it's real, it's aligned, we've fixed it. Most of the people that are being food toxic relationships are fixers. You're probably a fixer. You probably fix other people's pain. You fix things, you achieve things, but you see they won't change and that will create so much pain for us and it can feel like we're trapped in suffering for so many years without even knowing, because we're so focused on fixing something that is broken and we know it's broken, but we're thinking that they can change.

Speaker 1: 6:15

I didn't know how to get out of this suffering, this anxious, stressful feeling. It would come and go, there would be some days that were better than others and so many times I used to tell myself I'm feeling better today, I can do this, I can manage this, I'm strong enough, I will do it. It's like I get my willpower back and all I was doing was stuffing down my emotions and pretending that I could manage the pain of living in an illusion. I was trying to use all my willpower, all my positivity, but the truth is there is emotional pain that we really don't know how to manage and I would ruminate at night. I couldn't sleep and I'd wake up feeling so much anxiety most nights, wondering how I could fix something that was a lie. I don't think I even realised it was a lie at that point, that it was fake, that everything about this relationship was fake. There was so much shame and embarrassment of what I was really dealing with. And how can anyone deal with all of that? There was so much social anxiety which I'd never felt before, because I felt like I was living a lie. I didn't feel good enough deep down inside and I knew that people could, or I was worried that people could sense my suffering, that I couldn't pretend anymore and you might feel this level of anxiety and stress. It's overwhelming stress. Sometimes it's normal to feel like this and to live with this when you've been through a toxic relationship, because no one can truly understand it until they have actually been through it. It doesn't make logical sense. So what do we do? First, we need to become aware. We need to understand how our mind works. Most importantly, become aware of how your mind works and as you do that, you will notice.

Speaker 1: 8:30

The suffering can continue long after the narcissistic abuse has even ended. Sometimes the abuse can continue for years and years, even after the relationship has ended. Why is this? Why do you not feel like the same as you did before? You might have learned all there is about narcissism. I talk to people about, and they know so much about narcissism. If there was an exam, you might even be able to pass it with flying colours. You've focused so much of your time on the narcissism understanding and spending time studying it. Why then, after all this knowledge, are you suffering? I really want you to answer that question for yourself, but not for anyone else. It's not because you're inadequate in any way, shape or form. It's just a really important question that every one of us should ask after narcissistic abuse.

Speaker 1: 9:34

We have to acknowledge the psychological suffering that arises from the stories that you tell yourself. It's only when you can ask this question that you can then allow yourself to stop. You see, in your mind, you think about what they did to you. It's where you keep going over it, a story in your head. You're telling the story, maybe to anybody who will listen.

Speaker 1: 10:03

So the next time you find yourself in a situation where you start to repeat the story, I want you just to notice the suffering that arises in you. You're talking about it, you're reliving your pain, but actually talking about it isn't relieving the pain. You're trying to relieve it, but you're reliving it. You're causing your pain over and over and over again. I just want you to take a moment to make the decision to just notice that. And what is the cost to you? Where you're no longer living your life, you're missing out on the moment, this moment, right now. It might not be an overwhelming feeling. It might be that you just want to tell someone about what they did to you so you can feel connected to somebody, but at the same time you're reliving it. You're feeling that irritation, that upset, the disrespect of how someone treated you. You're disconnecting from who you truly are in that moment as well.

Speaker 1: 11:27

Each time you relive that story, you're in that painful past, whatever has happened, and I'm not just saying you know, telling other people, but even it going round in your own head right now, if you can get into this moment with me, just me and you. In this moment, I want you to just take a deep breath in and I just want you to know you're safe right now. You can be okay right now. Just take a breath in. You can breathe Right now. In this moment you're actually free of pain.

Speaker 1: 12:17

We have to be honest. We have to see the pain the narcissist caused is maybe still living on within us every time it goes round in our mind. The question you have to ask is do you want to live with it moving forward in 2024? Because now the suffering is not caused by what they did. It's now caused by the narrative in your head, in your mind, about the circumstances and unfortunately, that is how they control. You're repeating the pattern or the recording over and over again in your head, and I know you're doing it so you can solve it and understand it. But until we can start to be in this moment and we learn how to live in the now and stop repeating the story in our minds, we don't heal. So today I'm just asking you to notice what's going on in your mind so that you can get ready to take control back of your thoughts. Rather than letting the thoughts compulsively ruminate in your mind, start living consciously.

Speaker 1: 13:40

You cannot get your joy back, because joy is experienced in the now being present, where we're tapping into our true nature, our flow. We're lost in the moment. That's when we're our real, authentic self. This is what we have. It's our presence. It's about you and your presence, about you being fully there. This is where we can feel that we're ourself, this is where we glow and we're present. There's something about you. When you're present, when you're in the now, you feel free to be yourself, and that is what we crave more than anything when we've been in a toxic relationship. Is that peace of mind? I just want to be free to be present, to feel the peace in my mind where we're no longer telling the story in our head over and over in our mind, because it's crazy making.

Speaker 1: 14:44

When you realize this, and until you realize that you can continue to live unconsciously or you can choose to live consciously and make the most of your life, we cannot take the lesson from the toxic relationship and use it to become our best self. Until we realize that it's not your fault. Perhaps you might even worry that you did something bad and worry it was your fault that the narcissist left. You will have shame and guilt for the way they treated you and maybe they make you feel shame and guilt. That's their main way of control. Many of us feel that shame and guilt of being or allowing or being duped by the toxic relationship. There's so much anger around that the whole perception of our self changes. On a real level, on an experiential level. We no longer trust our self anymore. We have been gaslighted by the narcissist. Yes, they lie to us. Their whole existence is an illusion. But the worst part of this is that we can no longer trust our self.

Speaker 1: 16:05

I really want you to take a moment to comprehend that somehow something now has shifted where we start to believe on a deep level, on a subconscious level, that we can no longer trust our self. That has to be something we reverse. Stop listening to the old story and we need to learn to trust and believe in our self, in your identity, moving forward, rebuild that identity and the respect and put the healing process in place so you become aware of your sense of self. People don't realize it's a story that you're continuously telling in your mind that this person has betrayed you is what we're identifying with this story that, yes, I can be betrayed. I can't trust myself. This is an illusion that the narcissist created through their own personality disorder illness, if you like. That is what it is. You don't have to exist in that illusion anymore. I want you to take a step back, come out of that illusion for just one second. You are so much more than the narcissist and what they did to you and the illusion that they created.

Speaker 1: 17:33

In some spiritual traditions, the story is the cell, or the jail. Buddha calls it the self. It's the mind that has made the self with a small s, just bear with me. Buddha said the most important thing in a person's life and that is why we're here is to experience the shift in consciousness or awareness, so that we can increasingly see glimpses of who we really are, and to heal. Beyond the story. The story becomes the prison that we create in our own minds, and that is what happens to us in toxic relationships.

Speaker 1: 18:24

It's through making a decision of healing that we can create space. We have an awareness that actually there is a presence about us of who we really are and we're not the story. You are much more than that, there's a real, authentic presence of who you are, which is beyond what the narcissist did to you. Beyond all of that, you are not an illusion that the narcissist created or somebody else allured you to be in. You have this physical body, this identity, and that's what people first see is that you know that egoic self, the physical body. So we have to go beyond the story of the narcissist, and the way to do that is to use what the narcissist did to be a catalyst to heal, heal this story. So we get to a point where, if life has become so painful, if life is so painful, we cannot bear to tell this story and I had one more time of what the narcissist did to you and all the other pain that you're experiencing. Then you will decide you have to make a decision that you want a breakthrough and then you have the chance to experience it because you are willing to do what it takes to heal.

Speaker 1: 20:05

My call for you is to take a moment. I want you to take a step out of the illusion that the narcissist created, the story that you can't trust yourself, the story of betrayal. Just one moment, take a moment out. This is what they did. This is their thing.

Speaker 1: 20:26

December is a time of reflection. I want you to reflect on who you are before all of this pain, before all of this story, so that you don't lose yourself anymore. Do you want to experience joy and happiness? Do you want to give yourself the chance of letting go of the emotional pain behind the story, so that then the story becomes easier to let go of Because it doesn't hurt so much anymore? If you want a better life, then do look in the resources section.

Speaker 1: 21:05

If you want to, I have a Heal to Five program, which I don't offer to everybody. It is quite a small group. It's four months intensive work. If you're ready and you want to do that deep work, then go through the masterclass and, most importantly, look for what it makes that decision for yourself. And also, please do be loving and compassionate towards yourself, because the most important person is you. You will never know someone that's more important than you. You're with you all the time you so be loving, kind. Through that, through the love and the kindness, is how we can heal, truly heal. So keep being understanding and loving and take the action that is loving towards yourself to heal. So till next time, much love, as always, as we continue to explore how we can let go of this past identity Till next time.