Toxic Relationships: Breaking Free from Trauma Bonds

Have you ever noticed how haunting memories of toxic relationships continue to cause us pain, even when we've physically moved on? This episode enlightens us about the trap of rumination, a common trauma response, and its role in keeping us bound to our past, preventing us from embracing the present. Drawing from Eckhart Tolle's insightful work, we explore the hidden addiction to trauma bonds that become an unexpected part of our identity, causing us to replay past pain and hindering our ability to pave the way for new beginnings.

We'll shine a light on the chemical reactions set off in our bodies when we relive painful past events, and how this impacts our healing process. As we journey towards self-love and self-compassion, we'll uncover the challenges and illusions that may hinder our progress, while underscoring the importance of facing and releasing these emotions to achieve inner peace. So come, join us on this journey, and let's rediscover our inner wisdom and guide each other towards healing and happiness after surviving a toxic relationship. Let's break free from the chains of our past and emerge stronger as we support others in their healing journey. Tune in, share your experiences, and let's inspire each other to grow.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is Dr Emanquor, and each week we will bring you an important message as we explore how to detox toxic relationships. The aim of this podcast is for you to unlock your own inner knowing, your own inner greatness, so you can know how to heal from the impact of a toxic relationship, so you can get your life back on track and live your best life. After all, we are all worthy of loving our life After narcissistic abuse. So many people ask certain questions and sometimes we can go over these questions over and over again. Why can't I let go? How did this happen? Why do I hold on to this pain, even though it's hurting? Why can't I just let go of everything that this person done to me? How do I let go? Unfortunately, it's not as simple as just starting over or just getting over a normal, healthy relationship. So how do I let go of the past identity I've created and the stories? We looked at some of this last week in terms of the stories that we tell. And I want to dig even deeper and I've reached to Eckhart Tolle's work to help navigate some of this. The common trauma responses, because rumination is one of the common trauma responses that gets overseen, because it's the inability to be able to process everything that's happened. And I really want to explore this Because a lot of the times, rumination occurs to people or is a common trauma response to people that are really good at analyzing things. So why is there an inability to stop the rumination and why is rumination so difficult to deal with and live with? It's because rumination actually stops us from actually being present in the now, and from last week, one of the comments was that it's really resonated with Eckhart Tolle's work. So I've gone to it and got my book out again, so we're going to explore this further and how it applies to narcissistic abuse.

Speaker 1: 2:48

So if you have been in a situation where you're listening to someone talk about the same thing over and over again, maybe even for decades, and actually you're finding that you're holding onto something for so long and it's like you're stuck in a maze of going in a loop, round and round and life is carrying on and you feel stuck and you just don't know if there is a way out, if you can ever stop, and you might have even got to a point where you're thinking I'm just going to carry on the way I am because there's no way of stopping this and it's becoming an addiction. You might be trying so hard to find a way out and if you were to look at yourself as if you're looking at a friend a good friend you will start to see that you're struggling and you're suffering, but there's still a part of you that's unwilling to break free because you're stuck in an old identity or perhaps is a current identity, and that can be the frustration of being in a trauma bond sometimes. So if there is someone that's watching or listening and is thinking, yeah, I know someone that is going through this or you're actually seeing actually it's me and you know this is kind of off but you're consistently in this psychological pain, this loop, and you can't figure out how to break free and feel that sense of harmony internally where you can get peace, then carry on listening to this podcast. But before we dive in, a quick message if you've been listening and watching to this but you haven't had a moment yet to click on the subscribe button, if you have gained anything at all that's valuable from this series or or the podcast, honestly it would mean so much to me if you could click and subscribe on the button right now, because it is your support.

Speaker 1: 5:02

It's only through people like you and me that have been through this, so that not only will you be able to get access to the free releases first and get notified when you know a podcast or video comes out, but you will support other people to find this information, you will support other people in healing from narcissistic abuse and it will help me to continue with the content. So thank you so much again, as always, for your support. It genuinely means so much to me to be able to continue to do this work so that we can all create more freedom from narcissistic trauma in the world, not just for yourself, but for others around you. So make sure you do click and subscribe and let's dive into the conversation. So, after observing people that are super smart and they're in this situation where they've got a trauma bond, people that are super good at analyzing and they're good at fixing things and overcoming difficult situations. They're really good at making connections and seeing things that other people can't see. They are smart. These people and this could be you that I'm talking about you can get stuck in a trauma bond for longer. Why? Because of the rumination.

Speaker 1: 6:45

Rumination is when we go over everything again and again, and again in our head and we're reliving the scenario and I did talk about this in the last podcast, but I want to build on on it with this one rumination means we're reliving what's happened now. What happens when we relive something? Our brain actually doesn't know if it's real or not. It will create the same hormones, the same toxic chemicals in the body as if it's happening right now. So what does that mean for you if it means that the chemicals in your body are being released over and over again, so you can't fully detox from the kebbing calls and you get more and more addicted? So imagine, you know you've got a cocktail of drugs being pumped into you every single time you talk about what they've done or you relive it going round in your head.

Speaker 1: 7:54

Look, I know that there's going to be challenges. There's going to be things that come our way as human beings, but there'll be more challenges coming your way after you're trying to get out of a toxic relationship. As we continue to grow and evolve, you will experience stress, there will be a release of these chemicals, but it's after a toxic relationship. If we don't stop retelling the story, we've lost that kind of baseline, everyday baseline, you know, of peace and harmony. So there's going to be times where that you will feel stress, you will feel increased emotions or those chemicals being pumped into your body, but your baseline has shifted and in a toxic relationship, your baseline has shifted and we're not shifting that baseline back. So there's a level of peace and harmony a lot of the time and we can't figure out how to get back to our normal, authentic self.

Speaker 1: 9:05

Look, when we're going through healing after a toxic relationship, you might be going through a lot of issues around the illusion that we've been living in. There could be illusion around the finances. Perhaps you're having to divorce because they've created an illusion that you were in a loving relationship and now they're with somebody else there's so much betrayal or just the illusion of around the breakup. Or it could be that you're having to change your career now also because you've just not been on your A game or being. You found that the narcissistic, toxic relationship impacted your confidence so much and your self-esteem, or that the chemicals that you were releasing created a lot of panic attacks or anxiety. It's normal and it's understandable that this relationship would have impacted you in some way, shape or form in your life, not just the relationship, but in lots of different ways.

Speaker 1: 10:14

How, then, can we be in the present moment? You can't be in the now when you're constantly thinking about all the things that have happened, because you have to deal with all these problems on a day to day level and it's taking up all this energy, any energy that you have. You may have a challenge that you immediately need to deal with. For instance, if you were going for a walk and a lion turned up, you're not going to be thinking about all the things that are going on in your life. You're going to be dealing with how do I keep myself safe here? Interestingly, we do get into the present moment, with forgetting everything else and our heads not going to be ruminating about all the things that are going round and round in our head before. We have to learn somehow, because it is possible for us, if we need to, to be able to get into the present moment so that we feel safe, to be you in the now. You need to slowly wean yourself off of the toxic chemical that are getting pumped into your body every single time you think of the narcissist and what they did.

Speaker 1: 11:39

The moment you can feel safe in the now is the moment that you can start to change your life for the future, because you're a spiritual being. Our spirituality is our future extension, or our future, and it's an extension of the state of consciousness that we have in the present moment. That is what Eckhart Tolle talks about. If your state of consciousness is negative right now because you're living in the past, it's likely that we're going to attract negativity into our future, and this can be seen with other methods like law of attraction. It's basically saying whatever you're thinking and where you are right now, what vibration you're resonating with right now, your state of consciousness. If it's negative because you're reliving the past, it's likely you're going to attract negativity in your future and that's how you're feeling right now.

Speaker 1: 12:59

We have to find a way of stopping the chemicals in our body being produced by the brain by going over and over things in the past. Then you know this whole thing about positive attitude and being positive, and I you know, then you're already positive. Just by being in the moment, being in the now being, you, you're positive. You're positive. You know if you can really be now, in the moment, right now, you're already positive. You have this kind of innate wisdom that you can pull through, that you know there's a part of you that already knows how you can get through all of this and it's a lot you've got to get through. But there inside of you there's a part of you that knows you can get through this. It will tell you.

Speaker 1: 14:03

Your next best step is when the anxiety kicks in. We don't listen to our guidance, we're switched off from our guidance system and perhaps you've got a lot of pain around self-worth because you can't invest in the healing so that you can move forward. Perhaps there's a block around releasing emotional barriers to love. You might think that you you're not worthy of love. Maybe you feel you shouldn't be feeling emotional about anything and you have to carry on. These might be the difficulties that you feel in the present moment, when we can actually sit and be in the present moment. We're going to feel all the emotional pain. We're going to become aware that we're carrying so much emotional pain that our body feels different from what it used to. We feel anxiety, but we've been numbing it all down and pushing it all down to try and carry on and survive. We'll have to work through that to be able to be able to access feeling safe again in the present moment, where you're no longer in your own head.

Speaker 1: 15:25

You have to give yourself the chance to appreciate everything that you have by being present, so you can access the resources available to us, such as joy, happiness, and start moving forward. You can't feel joy unless you're in the moment. You can't feel happiness unless you're in the moment. And the narcissist this is the best part the narcissist is all about power and control. The narcissist cannot take away from you your present moment, this moment. Right now you can have peace. Right now you can walk and enjoy the goodness around you, the flowers, the birds, the. There's so much peace around you, the love around you, because unless you can be present with people that you love, you can then feel the love you have in the present moment. If you want to make the most of 2024, if you want to stop the stories in your head, then please do look at the resources section. I do have a program called Reclaim your Power. It's a 21 day program. It's a great toolbox of helping you process the anxiety that might come up in the now because of everything that's happened. It might help you process some of the pain, the emotional pain that you're carrying and the thoughts we talk through, how to process your thinking patterns so you stop that rumination, so you can start being present in the now.

Speaker 1: 17:17

Look, it is a difficult path to heal after toxic relationships and there's different elements that you need to heal so you can feel whole again, to be in the moment. But remember, the most important thing in this healing journey is to be gentle, to be loving, to know that you have done your best. You no longer want to allow the narcissist to speak to you in the way that they did or treat you in the way they did. Then start speaking to yourself in a loving way. Treat yourself as if you are so important. Be kind, be loving, be compassionate. Remember you're incredible. So if this is something that you want to look at, please do look at the resources section. This really is a way of getting yourself back to who you want to be. Remember you are amazing and sending you so much love as always, till next time as we really go deeper into how to find happiness again.