How to Make 2024 the Best Year The Questions to Ask Yourself After Toxic Relationships

Have you ever flipped through old messages, feeling a mixture of nostalgia and revelation as you uncover a past version of yourself? Join me, Dr. Amen Kaur, as we embark on a journey of self-discovery, reflecting on the past to strategize for a thriving future. This episode is all about peeling back the layers of our experiences, especially the ones tainted by toxic relationships, and using the clarity from journaling to set powerful intentions for the new year. Together, we'll explore tools like the "Stop, Start, Continue" framework to craft a transformative year of personal fulfilment.

Celebrating our resilience is at the heart of this conversation, where we acknowledge the struggles and victories that have shaped us. We'll guide you through the introspection necessary to confront the past and embrace your true self, which is the key to attracting better relationships and opportunities. The act of sharing personal insights and listener stories brings to light the courage it takes to be honest with oneself. This episode is also a heartfelt testament to the power of our collective journey and the affirmation that your best days are indeed still ahead.

As we pivot towards incorporating love and self-care into our healing process, I'll reveal how nurturing compassion for oneself can unlock doors to a more joyful and present life. If you're eager to make 2024 your most fulfilling year yet or simply seeking a community of support, this episode is your beacon. I'll also touch on a special masterclass and mention the intimate Heal to Thrive program for those ready to take that leap. So settle in, and let's navigate the path to incorporating love into every aspect of our healing process, together.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is Dr Eman Kaur, and each week we will bring you an important message as we explore how to detox toxic relationships. The aim of this podcast is for you to unlock your own inner, knowing your own inner greatness, so you can know how to heal from the impact of a toxic relationship, so you can get your life back on track and live your best life. After all, we are all worthy of loving our life. How are we going to make the most of 2024 after being in a toxic relationship? I'm hoping this is going to be your year. This is going to be your year, so happy new year. What we're going to do today is I want you to get your journal and we're going to be looking and reflecting on your past so that we can make this your best year. Yet Don't give up just because you've been in a toxic relationship. I'm super happy to be doing this with you because I love reflecting. I really enjoy reflecting so that we can get clarity on what to do moving forward. I actually tend to do this once a month and it's something if you're finding you're not sure about what to do next and that happens a lot when we've been in narcissistic relationships or toxic relationships. It's really important to actually take some time out and look at where have you come from, what have you been doing and how far you've come and what you want moving forward. So what we're going to do is we're going to reflect back on your past 12 months so that you can get clarity about what you want in your coming year Before we go ahead. I just really, deep down inside, really want to say thank you so much for all your support. I really couldn't be doing what I'm doing today if it wasn't for your support, for you listening. All I need you to do is subscribe or share this with someone so that more people can actually find this information, so we as a community can help heal from toxic relationships. We need a community. There's so many toxic people out there that actually, in some instances, it is actually part of a culture. Sometimes you go into companies and there's a toxic culture there. In order to heal, we, too, need to be a community of healers. So please click, subscribe or share this with somebody so we can support more people as a community, so that there's more healing. So let's dive in. I really can't wait to share this because, as I said, I love reflecting. The questions that I ask myself is exactly what I'm going to be looking at, asking you. It's a ritual that I think is.

Speaker 1: 3:24

Sometimes it's so powerful to actually just take some time out, and I think that's the beautiful thing about a new year it actually gives us hope for a new start, that we're going to do something different, moving forward, and it's helped me so much during the most difficult times and you and I know there have been a lot of difficult times, especially when we've been in toxic relationships. They're not just your average difficult times, they're on another level, dealing with people that are constantly lying, conning. You just can't get any truth out of them, and it can be so difficult because we lose our own center. We lose our own self, because we can go down the road of trying to defend ourself or explain ourself, or explain that they're lying, and it just takes us on a different path. So it's so important to really slow down completely and make sense of what can't be made sense of only through connecting back to yourself. So these are really simple questions and hopefully they'll really help you, and sometimes the best thing we can do is actually just go through our photos or our messages. Photos are a great way of looking back at everything that you've achieved Maybe some messages and really look at, okay, what is it that you've already been through, so that you can then connect back to yourself. Also, look at your social media. Social media is such an amazing tool for narcissists because they can do all sorts of stuff, but actually social media is becoming the narcissist or the toxic person's worst nightmare. We can see all over Netflix or other things as well how so many people who are psychopaths or narcissists get caught out over and over again, and it's really, really important.

Speaker 1: 5:43

I would say the most important thing is to actually connect back to you, your guidance system that can guide you on your next best step, and that's what we're gonna do. So what we wanna do is really look at okay, what is it that you've achieved so far? Have you struggled with over the last year? You know what were your biggest difficulties. I know there's gonna be a lot of things that you've been through that you've really struggled with, but don't go into too much detail. But the overall feelings is it confusion that you've really struggled with? Is it rumination? Just take the time to think about what it is that you really want to move forward, but also, what is it that you've struggled with? Because actually understanding what it is that you've struggled with, we can actually find out what you've actually achieved as well. So don't worry about looking back and actually really writing and journaling as much as you can about your struggles over the last 12 months, because it's super, super powerful looking at what it is that you have actually you've really struggled with.

Speaker 1: 7:23

So it might be that you saw all the red flags and they didn't make sense and you found that you just kept going back and back to the narcissist, over again on the psychopath. So what is it that you struggled with that you wished was different? Maybe there was. You know that you were like, oh, I just really wish none of this was happening. I know so many people say I just wish this person would just go away, I just wish this would all just stop. But why? Why is it such a struggle? I know why it is, but why is it for you? I've really write it down on paper so that you can. Then we're gonna change it. We're gonna make this the best year for you.

Speaker 1: 8:19

So really dive deep into this, because the best of your years await you. The best of your days await you. I know what you've been through and in order to have something new in your life, you have to be willing to look at what hasn't worked and really bring consciousness to what is unconscious. Some of the hardest things that we can do is look at what's happened. That was tough. What's happened that? Where did they disrespect you? It's so hard to look at that. It's so painful, but the best years await you ahead of you. Some of the best moments are gonna be ahead of you when you will laugh. You will have that belly laugh where you feel so free. You know that joy of laughing again and feeling free. All the friends that you're gonna meet in your life that you haven't met yet maybe your partner that you haven't met yet is all gonna come because you're gonna heal and then you're gonna vibe at a totally different space and you'll meet your best partner or your friends or the best you're working, a better environment. Maybe your relationships will heal with people that you think wait, this is too late for that, or you could create a new business. You might have some hidden talents that you need to actually get out into the world, wherever it is. Trust me, your best days are yet to come. If you can truly believe this, no one or nothing will stand in your way, and it's time to feel that confidence of being you, the true you. That's the freedom that I want you to really hold on to. The version of yourself is awaiting for you to arrive.

Speaker 1: 10:30

So these questions that I'm asking don't have to be in a specific order. It's just for you to reflect on in the way that you feel is right for you. So first, what is it that you've struggled with? Yeah, and really go deep in that, knowing that you want that to never be part of your life again. That is the benefit of actually going there. That is the benefit of actually Looking at what's not working. Is only when we can look at what's not working that we can fix it. It's through actually shining a light on what's dark, what's hidden, that we can actually then heal. So when we've been in a toxic relationship, we might need to do this a few times, where we do a review every night. So if you need to do this on a monthly basis, then come back to this and do it every month.

Speaker 1: 11:37

So once you've done that, I want you to really look at what have been the highlights of your past year, and this is where you could look at your pictures again. You know you look at your memories because you might not believe how much you have done. You have done so much in such a short space of time, especially when we've been in toxic relationships. All we tend to do is look at what we haven't done. You probably have forgotten about how much you have overcome this year. So if you look at some of the things you struggled with, a lot of that you would have overcome as well on a day to day level. So what you want to do is really look at OK, what have I achieved, not only overcoming some of the problems that I've had to overcome by living with or knowing this toxic person, but actually all the things that you've achieved on top of that. Honestly, just think about that. On average, people don't achieve that much. And then when you look at what you've achieved, as well as dealing with a toxic person in your life, that is incredible.

Speaker 1: 12:58

So many people describe co-parenting with a toxic or narcissist person like being a single parent with an elephant on your back. It's not easy. It really isn't easy. The average parent has no idea what it's like to co-parent with a toxic person. It's tough. So, trust me, if you're in that position, you are amazing. You are incredible. You're one in a million. You're an amazing parent. You're absolutely brilliant. Give yourself that acknowledgement for what you do on a day to day basis that no one else does. And you still get up, you still carry on. Where how? It's amazing how you do it. So look back and acknowledge not only have you carried on, but you've achieved so much on top of that.

Speaker 1: 14:03

Ok, so next question what would you say have been the hardest aspects in your life? Is there some part of your life that you really need to look at moving forward? What, in the last 12 months, have made you really unhappy? Maybe, as toxicity as a whole, you're finding there's toxic people at work. There's toxic people in your personal life. Maybe the biggest issue that you've got is relationships. Maybe you're finding that you're finding it hard to move forward.

Speaker 1: 14:42

Like I said, we need to make what is unconscious conscious so that we can start to change. And just by doing this exercise and getting real with yourself and being really honest, you will start to change in 2024. And the real reason narcissists stay the same is because they are unconscious to reality. If you try and tell them the truth or try and get them to see the truth, they will become more unconscious. They will make up more lies but they won't admit the truth. But it's only through seeing the struggles that we can acknowledge and highlight what it is that you've overcome. You have incredible resilience strength. There's not many people like you out there that can function the way you do.

Speaker 1: 15:41

The other thing I want you to really look at is where have you been truly authentic? What you've ffff, you know, fought to be you, or how have you started to move in that direction where you are being more and more authentic? Maybe it's your commitment to listening to this podcast, or you found your purpose in some way, or it's your spiritual practice, or maybe you're finding you're not reacting to the narcissist triggers as much, or you're getting trauma therapy, or maybe you found peace and contentment, your finding time to go for a walk, where there's moments where you just feel so present in this moment. Maybe you are, you know, adding different practices, where you are finding you again. So go back and look at the early part of the year and think you know I wasn't doing this, but over time I have actually started to connect back to me in some way.

Speaker 1: 17:00

So you know, the reason why I think this is a really important question is that we find it really difficult to be who we truly are because of all the conditioning that we've had from the toxic person. It's all about pleasing them, everything's about them. You lose yourself and becoming authentically you is where you find your peace, your freedom and your joy. So, but it's scary, it's scary. It's it can be fearful to be you again because you're worried about being judged, criticised, demeaned, devalued. I'm going to be really honest here.

Speaker 1: 17:50

I found it was a bit of a. You know, there was some fear for me being so authentic in my podcast, in the way I've brought you know my truth out there. I was worried that maybe no one would listen to me, I wouldn't have any listeners, that you know my approach was so not the norm and that you know I too should just focus on, you know, telling you about what a narcissist is, rather than focusing on you getting back to you, your authentic self and finding who you truly are. But over time, the listeners grew and and I am getting amazing feedback and I really love. I genuinely love all the messages that I get. I'm utterly grateful for every single message that I get, because there were those doubts. There was so much self doubt and it's scary to being the real you, but I just want to give you reassurance that if you keep going down that route of being you, you will get everyone telling you how much they appreciate you for you being you. I have had the most beautiful reviews, and it was only at the end of the year when I sat down at my computer and I found some of these messages, these reviews on the podcast, and I wept so much reading them about how much this podcast meant to you.

Speaker 1: 19:40

Sometimes we've just got to step out and speak our truth and I really want you to look at where you've done that this year and really truly acknowledge that that is maybe the greatest step that you've taken, for being honest with yourself is truly massive and maybe this is going to be your way of expressing your truth into the world. Please don't underestimate this. Your authenticity, you being your real. You is beautiful and, honestly, everybody will appreciate it Maybe not the toxic person, but that's not who you want to live your life by.

Speaker 1: 20:25

Okay, so the next question what did you learn about yourself this year? Now reflect back on everything and then maybe you'll see that you're much stronger than you think. Maybe you've learned so much more about that. You have so much more to give and you've got so much more potential than you realized. Because, remember, in a toxic relationship, part of the cycle is devaluation, so maybe you've been worrying that you haven't got anything to give, but actually maybe you're starting to see that you have so much more to give. It's not you, but it was the narcissistic relationship that you need to heal from. That will enable you to put all these insights into a plan and actually look at how you want to move forward using all your skills, your resilience, your strength.

Speaker 1: 21:32

We're also going to look at borrowing something from one of the corporate tools. I don't know if many of you know, but I used to be a partner of a FTSEE 250 company, so I've come from a corporate background, very results driven, and I love this next thing to do. It's something that you can remember. It's called Stop, start, continue. So what is it that you want to stop doing in the next year 2024, sorry, not next year. Now, in the next 12 months, look ahead and think what is it that I want to stop doing? Moving forward?

Speaker 1: 22:16

I know for me, I really wanted to stop putting so much energy and thinking into the narcissist. I just know that, ok, I can expect that they're going to lie and expect them to be fake and expect them to live in an illusion and expect them not to have the empathy that people have, but I'm not going to get sucked into thinking about what they've said or what they've done, because it's just a waste of energy. So, for me, stopping the rumination enabled me to move forward in different ways. What is it that you want to stop doing? What is it that you want to maybe heal? What is it that you think I need to do this so that I can heal and move forward with my life? What is it that you want to start doing to move forward? Maybe you want to learn something new. Maybe it's you want to do something that brings you joy. Maybe you want to start walking more so that you get some space to be present in the world, you get a bit of breathing space.

Speaker 1: 23:40

One of the things that the toxic people or toxic relationships does is that it keep you in your head thinking about the past or worrying about the future. Maybe you want to cultivate some practices that enable you to be present. Maybe you like walking in the woods or going into the mountains or swimming or exercising. Maybe you throw yourself into work and you forget everything. Or maybe you love music or dancing. You want to cultivate some space and time every day so you can just forget about everything and be present in the moment. So maybe you want to start doing that. Whatever it is for you, just have a thing what is it that you want to start doing?

Speaker 1: 24:30

The next question what do you want to continue doing this year? This is a massive one for people that have been in toxic relationships. You have so many gifts and talents. There is no one else like them, like you. You want to start recognizing yourself, what you are good at. It's so important. I believe that this is something that we should be doing on a daily basis. It's actually acknowledging yourself every day about what you're doing well, so that you know that you're building your value over time, because narcissism is all about devaluation. We have to actively and proactively build self-worth to actually acknowledge your value. I love this question because it's so easy to ignore what you're doing well after narcissistic abuse, because we're doing it in our own head, worrying about what we didn't do. We're not good enough. I should have done this, I should. No, don't worry. What are you doing well? What have you done well? What should you continue doing? What is unique about you? There won't be just one thing. There's a combination of a number of things that make you so unique. That's what I think you should do Now.

Speaker 1: 25:57

The next question is what experiences do you want? It could be that you want to travel. What is it you want to experience? It could be a feeling, it could be peace. What experiences do you want moving forward in your life so that you can start to open up space for that? Like I said, maybe you want to meditate. Imagine yourself on the beach. If you're wanting to travel, you can carve out five minutes a day Actually just trying to get that feeling. Even if you can't travel and you haven't got the money, then just spend five minutes a day imagining yourself in the places that you really want to travel and give yourself that moment of just imagining and getting that peace and enjoyment. Every small step you take has a huge effect over time. Okay, you will get there if you do this.

Speaker 1: 26:55

Next question how do you want to grow this year to become the person you really want to become and to have the experiences that you want? Maybe you want to feel more like you. You want to get to being your authentic self. Maybe you want to start a business. How do you want to grow? To become that? You might need to learn a new skill or release some blocks that you have to that. Maybe there's a lot of procrastination and that's your biggest issue in actually starting a business or doing what it is that you want. Then heal the procrastination, do something about it. Do what it is that you need to do so you can grow. There's nothing holding you back, apart from just something that you need to learn or grow. Lastly and this is something that Tony Robin speaks a lot about is how do you want to contribute?

Speaker 1: 27:52

Lots of different spiritual books talk about service. How do you want to bring joy in other people's lives? It might be that you want to find help people find their dream home. If you focus on that, you will add so much value. You will want to bring joy to other people. You want to serve that. You forget about yourself, and that's what makes you great. You might want to bring joy to people's life through art, or help people feel understood by writing words in a book so that they feel connected. They don't feel alone. There is absolutely something incredible and unique that you are meant to bring into the world, and how you will contribute and shine your light into the world.

Speaker 1: 28:43

The truth is, you deserve to have the best year of your life. You are brave, you are strong. There is no one that can deal with half the things that you've dealt with. You just need to gain the clarity of how to get there. You have so much courage Because you've dealt with what you've dealt with. You have the courage to go after it. All you need to do is release some of that fear.

Speaker 1: 29:11

So, whatever happens, incorporate love into your life, self-love in particular. Learn to love the most important person in your life through being understanding and compassionate and loving to yourself, because love is the greatest healer, and that is my wish for you is for you to cultivate self-love. If you want support in any of these areas so you can have the best year yet and you're ready to heal so you can thrive, then do look into the resources section and you'll find a free masterclass there. If what is said in the masterclass resonates, you can then apply to join an intensive four-month Heal to Five program. Please note there are only limited numbers that I can take on board each month. It's quite an intimate program. I do look forward to seeing you at the masterclass, if you're interested in pursuing this, and being supported in your healing journey so that you can move forward and make 2024 the best year yet for you. Sending you so much love till next time.