Toxic Relationships: Breaking the Habits that Form After Narcissistic Abuse

Discover the keys to transforming the scars of past toxic relationships into stepping stones for personal growth with Dr. Amen Kaur's enlightening guidance. In our intimate conversation, Dr. Kaur sheds light on the maze of habit formation that often stems from adversity, illustrating that these patterns are not failures but echoes of our resilience. We delve into how therapy can be a catalyst for healing, providing actionable insights and practical tips to empower you to make 2024 a landmark year of positive change. Through understanding the intricacies of our habitual thoughts and behaviors, we uncover the monumental impact of community support in overcoming the shadow of narcissistic abuse.

This episode is your beacon, guiding you through the captivating science of neuroplasticity and its profound implications for uprooting deep-seated habits. Dr. Kaur unravels the mysteries of procedural memory and the challenge it presents when striving to forge new, healthier routines. We confront the 'limbic friction' head-on, exploring innovative strategies like habit logging and task bracketing to break the chains of a trauma bond. By recognizing the contexts that trigger our reversal to old patterns, we learn how to navigate the complex aftermath of narcissistic abuse, ultimately stepping into a future where we are the architects of our own well-being. Join us for this transformative journey toward reclaiming your inner strength and rewriting your story.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is Dr Eman Kaur, and each week we will bring you an important message as we explore how to detox toxic relationships. The aim of this podcast is for you to unlock your own inner, knowing your own inner greatness, so you can know how to heal from the impact of a toxic relationship, so you can get your life back on track and live your best life. After all, we are all worthy of loving our life. So today we're going to be looking at our habits. Now we're in January, so I want you to do as much as I could to support you so that 2024 is the year for you. Now, why is it that therapy works? After NASA's CISIC Abuse, we're going to really look at that. So you know therapy works. And why is it that we need therapy after that? Because what we've been through is so hard and it's really important to understand the science and the mechanics behind it. Why is it so hard? So that we don't actually start thinking there is something wrong with us, because there really isn't anything wrong with you at all. I promise you. I promise you there is nothing wrong with you. I know there's days where you think is it me? Should I just give up. You know there's some tough times that you've been through. It's really important to understand that it's not just one day. It's been hard over a period of time and we have to understand that, no matter how competent and how incredible you are, when we experience something, over time it creates new habits within us without us even being aware of it and without actually us being conscious of it. So, but before we go into this and you will get so much out of today, I promise you, because you'll start to understand the mechanics and then you'll start to really and I'm going to give you some tips on what you can actually do to change your habits as well I'm going to really look into the science of habits so you can make this a better year for yourself. There's nothing stopping you from making 2024 even even better year than it was last year.

Speaker 1: 2:27

Now, before we go into that, this is a heartfelt request, please, if you are someone that wants to help other people and you want to support this community in actually healing more and more people who have been in trauma after a toxic relationship. It's not easy and we as a community have to stand up and speak our truth and actually share and help others so there's more visibility. So, if you can, please subscribe or write a review. If this is, if there's been anything that's been helpful for you, please do or give me a like or something, so that we can get more and more people healing from trauma after narcissistic abuse. So let's really dig into habits. How can we make things easier and better for you? We really need to look at that analogy of a frog being boiled to death in water. It really is so right when we look at narcissistic abuse, because the truth is that the frog can jump out of the water anytime it wants, but because it's being boiled to death by slowly, slowly, putting the water heat up slowly, slowly, without it noticing, it doesn't actually realize what's happening until it's too late. And we have to accept that.

Speaker 1: 4:01

Habits are a big part of who you are today. You have habits and if we experience something, we need to look at the habits that we have created over the period of time that we've been in that toxic relationship, not just in what we do, but also the habits, the habitual things. Yeah, what we do, but also what we think about. What are you thinking about habitually? Is it the story that's going round and round in your head. That has become a habit. What about what you feel? Think about what feelings are you feeling habitually now, more so than you used to, and what we have to do with habits is look at, okay, what do I do, what do I feel, what do I think? And as you start to become aware of that, it will enable you to actually change what you do, moving forward, because you're becoming aware of the habits that you've created through the relationship, of a toxic relationship.

Speaker 1: 5:15

So many people are told myths about how time heals. It really doesn't heal if you've got a new pattern. You see, I see this all the time and I think this genuinely is the thing that actually makes me feel really, really sad. It actually is the thing that brings a lot of compassion and a lot of energy to what I want to do, because the saddest thing is when we have been in narcissistic abuse, when we've endured this over a long period of time or over a time we don't realize that we've changed in the way we think, feel and do and your life is not the same as it was before. You're not the same person as you was before and you're not representing or fulfilling your potential anymore like you used to. And that, for me, is the saddest part, because then, if we don't change our habits, we they continue long after the toxic relationship has ended and it can change the course of your life forever. And so many people are suffering right now. They're feeling bad, but they've got used to feeling bad and pretending they're okay and struggling and pretending that they're happy. And and that was me, because that is what a narcissist teaches us to do let me abuse you and you pretend you're okay, because you know, if you turn around and tell the narcissist that actually this is abusive, this is causing me trauma, then you get attacked and blamed even more. So let's break this down using some science. The best part is, you will start to heal because you can turn things around for yourself, for the positive, and you can build on this every day.

Speaker 1: 7:11

When we change one habit, it changes our life for the rest of our life. It's just something that will benefit you forever. Yeah, that's the benefit, that's the beauty of a habit. Habits actually make up a most so much of what we do okay, so it's in fact estimated that up to 17 to 95% of our waking behavior is made up of habitual behavior, habitual thinking, habitual feelings. So really, let's reflect on this and really reflect on how important it is for you right now so you can heal and take control back of your life, and you will. You can change. People can change. That's the beauty of habits. You can change. It's a habit. It is tough, I'm not gonna lie. It is tough to change your habits, but habits can change in a short space of time.

Speaker 1: 8:14

Hence, it makes sense that if you can't just bounce back to who you were before you met the narcissist just by leaving them, okay. So if you're thinking, why am I not changing? You know why do I feel this way? Maybe there is something wrong with me? There is, and you're hiding that from yourself. It's not there's something wrong with you, it's just that you've you've picked up a habit from being in a toxic relationship, and it's understandable. You know, you've been made to feel that way. You've been made to think that way. So now you have a choice.

Speaker 1: 8:52

You want to turn it around, and that's why it's so important for us now to choose the right people to be around us, moving forward, because research is also showing that if we have five people around us that we spend the most time with. We are similar to those kind of people because they impact the way we think, the way we, the kind of conversations we have, what we feel habitually. It's they help us create habits in a certain way. So, moving forward, we can make that commitment to ourselves that we want to find people that bring us up, that make us feel good and not so much that break us down. So let's look at this if you can't form habits easily, it doesn't mean if I say if it's a specific habit, you really want to stop ruminating.

Speaker 1: 9:46

At the moment, rumination is when we go around and around thinking about the story, about what they did, and our mind goes round and we're analyzing it and we're going through it and breaking it down. If we want to let go of that and and genuinely we want to let go of all the things that we're thinking about that suck the energy out of us, that is all negative. Can you imagine how much energy you would have to actually move forward and do things that really feel good if you could, if you didn't think about all the things that these people have done and some of the other things that people have done as well? So let's look at what is it that we need to do to break a habit? So just because it's hard to stop rumination doesn't mean that it's hard to create or stop another habit.

Speaker 1: 10:39

It really depends on the habit that you've created. It's tough breaking a habit around trauma bonds. I'll be honest, because there's a lot of there's a lot that goes into trauma bonds. But it doesn't mean that you can't start small and create a different habit. You know, it could be that you're creating a habit of listening to this podcast. It could it so that habit could take maybe 21 days to form. Some people, some habits, take 18 days. Now research is showing it's anywhere between some say it's 18 days, some say 21 days, some day 30 days, some day say 60 days. So what we can allude from this depends, you know, given the science is, it depends, you know, it depends on the habit that you're trying to form or the habit that you're trying to break. Yeah, let's be, let's be fair. So if you're trying to create a new habit and you've heard that it takes 21 days and you've been doing it for 21 days but actually it hasn't made a change, just don't worry. It could be that this is more of a core habit that you need to release, but it might be a core wound associated it. There might be a core trauma associated into it.

Speaker 1: 12:03

So if we look at Philippa Lally's research, she's a health psychologist, psychology researcher at the University College London and she conducted a really detailed study on habit formation. The habit formation can take anywhere between 18 days to as many as 254 days. So it might take you a year to create a different habit. Okay, or it could just take 18 days, but don't let that stop you. I just wanna put this into perspective. Each time you work on changing the habit, you're making a difference to that habit in some way and it's really worth investing this year. If it takes you one year to actually create a really amazing habit that changes the rest of your life, isn't it worth it? If it takes 18 days to change a habit that will change the rest of your life, isn't it worth it Rather than a habit that is destroying, or if it's a habit of self-sabotage, or if it's a habit of thinking that you're not good enough, that is going to destroy the rest of your life in some way?

Speaker 1: 13:33

So what I'd like to do is take this scientific literature and look at how our nervous system learns. So it engages our brain and our brain changes. That's what neuroplasticity is all about Neuro, the brain. Yeah, plasticity is like yeah, it's like plastic. It can be molded and changed. So imagine it like Play-Doh, but obviously it's not as like Play-Doh. But your brain is constantly changing and molding to the information that you're bringing into it every day. So if we apply that to habit formation, we also apply that to habit maintenance. Okay, remember, we are maintaining a habitual thinking pattern every day. There's certain patterns that you've got in terms of the way you think that you're maintaining that. Okay, so you're keeping that going.

Speaker 1: 14:38

If we wanna break particular habits not all habits, obviously I want you to take a moment and actually acknowledge you have some habits that are truly helpful to you. You have cultivated habits that actually help you grow and develop. The reason why you're listening to this is because you have a habit of trying to learn, trying to grow, trying to be a better version of yourself. That is something that you've cultivated within you. So please don't ignore that. There's so many people out there that don't have that habit. So you have a good habits. You definitely have some, so don't just think about all the bad things that you're doing. Please also recognize all the good things that you do, all the good habits that you have, because we want to create a habit of actually valuing ourself, especially after being in toxic relationships which were all about devaluation. So I just want to put that caveat in there. I'd also like to give you a particular tool that's gleaned from the research as well.

Speaker 1: 15:50

Every time we repeat a habit, a small change will occur in our brain. In fact, every single thing that happens in our brain changes our brain. Okay, so we have to accept that every time we repeat a habit, we're creating more of a change, and it's associated with something called procedural memory. Okay, so what is procedural memory? Let's break that down. Procedural memory is like a long-term memory. It's like the automatic performance of certain things. It's like you know how to ride a bike. You know how to push the pedals. That is called procedural memory. You know how to type Safe. If you're someone that's learned how to type, that's a procedural memory. There's certain things, certain actions, and it's the same thing over and over again. Or playing an instrument, or driving a car.

Speaker 1: 16:54

It's basically the unconscious part where we're no longer consciously aware of what we're doing. You have a procedural memory of walking yeah, of running. So our procedural memory, or whatever it is that you do, it's a memory that we hold in our mind and it's a specific sequence of things and we know how to do it. So if you notice, like if you go around the supermarket and you know where everything is, it's because of your procedural memory. But do you get that when you go to the supermarket and they've changed all the shelves and it's quite frustrating because you're not able to engage in your procedural memory? You have to become conscious of where is everything now and sometimes it can be like oh no, where is everything? I don't know where everything is. It's gonna take me more time to find what it is that I'm looking for. That's because of your procedural memory. You're having to engage, stop being unconscious and become conscious.

Speaker 1: 18:03

So, in order for something, a particular outcome, to occur think of it like a recipe or a set of instructions is like a procedure. How are you gonna carry out something? So it's very clear that if we're trying to adopt a new habit, we're gonna have to get into the mindset of the procedural memory, because if we do something the way we've always done it. We're gonna carry on doing things the same way as we've always done it if we keep doing what we're doing. But we have to do something different to overcome that procedural memory and overcome like a barrier there's a barrier. Now They've actually seen the barrier and they call this in science the limbic friction.

Speaker 1: 18:55

In simple terms, it's like, say, if there's two parts of you and there really is two parts of us, when we're going through narcissistic abuse, there's always a bit of conflict going on within us, like what I want to do and what I should do, what I feel like doing and what I don't feel like doing is like a battle of wins, wills, like, and it's like there's two sides. And in the middle, imagine that you're going for that extra slice of pizza and really you want to get that piece of broccoli. So it's like there's two sides. There's a struggle between our long term goals and then the whisper of instant gratification yes, go for that piece of chocolate, you just have that instant gratification now. This is something we have to navigate when we start being conscious of what the narcissist is doing. It's very much the trauma bond phase of I know that this person is no good for me. But I need that instant gratification of staying in the relationship because of the hormones that are being produced in the trauma bond. But if you're looking for more information on the trauma bond, please find my podcast on that. So we need to reduce the friction, the limbic friction, that barrier between the two sides. Okay, that our limbic desires. Rather than focusing on the now, we want to get to the longer term goals of what it is that we want.

Speaker 1: 20:39

The one way is we can actually do something really simple. You don't need to spend so much on it. You know, pick a habit that's small and easy, yeah, and you want to do a simple visualization exercise that you don't have to do to. You know, close your eyes or get into, like you know, a lotus position or anything like that, but you just visualize what it is that you want. But you want to do it in a way that you visualize that you're seeing what happens. So, for instance, say, if you're having a bad day and it triggers you and you go for the chocolate, you don't want to go for the chocolate. Moving forward, or perhaps you need to see that the narcissist does what they do. So what you want to walk through is what will you do next time the narcissist triggers you before, during and after the narcissist triggers you? Okay, so now it might be that you need to create a log and so that you can start seeing the trends of what they do. And this is so good if you can do this, because you become more aware, and the more aware you can become, the more you can change the process and the habit of how you react. Okay, now, it doesn't even have to be about the narcissist. It could be something else that you want to use this for. And just start with that, if that is what you want.

Speaker 1: 22:26

We have certain circuits in our brain that are devoted to framing events what happens before, what initiates the habit, and then what happens just after we finish the habit. And that is the case. So imagine it much like a sandwich that there was something before, then it's the actual event and then it's the after. It's called task bracketing, but you can imagine the pieces of the bread as the bracket, okay, so we need to know what underlies whether it's a habit or not. It could be it's, you know, the before. It could be context dependent, you know.

Speaker 1: 23:07

So it only happens in intimate relationships that you get into narcissistic relationships, right, but everything else is good in your life. But if it's super strong, then it could be that you, you know it's in all areas of your life. Okay, so you know. So this, this does happen to a lot of people. They, they're super, you know, successful in every area, everything's great, they've got great friends, you've got great family, they've got great work, or you know, but then they, they have a bad intimate relationships. Or it could be that you've got, you know, a difficult family, but you've got great work relationships, you've got great friends, but it's like it is. So you might only get triggered in the, the place where there's bad relationships. Okay, as as devaluation increases in that particular area of your life, say, you know it's your intimate relationship, despite everything being great in that, in every other area of your life, but just intimate relationships.

Speaker 1: 24:22

What happens is as that habit becomes stronger and stronger, it starts to filter into more areas of your life. So that means that initially it might just be in the context of intimate relationships, and at work you might be highly respected. So the task bracketing might be that it will you only you find that you switch into a new way of being at work, but as soon as you get into the car and come home, you feel in a different way and you might find that the switch occurs as soon as you leave work and you open the door of your car. So just become conscious of where is that task bracketing? Yeah, where is it that you know things change? Or is it in every area? Then you know that actually, you probably need to go to the core and really try and spend some time to change this habit, whatever it might be.

Speaker 1: 25:24

Now it's important because what the narcissist is doing is changing our habits over time. Right when we've been in a toxic relationship, we have to acknowledge that they have changed the way we think, feel and act over time, and sometimes you might react and go back into default mode and you just don't know why. It's like you've done all this learning, you've learned everything, but you can't understand why you're going back into your old ways and old patterns as soon as you see them. It could be trauma as well. That's triggering you as well. So that's something to take into account. But we're just looking at habits at the moment.

Speaker 1: 26:05

So task bracketing is like a. It's like a, a fingerprint, if you like, in your brain right. It's kind of like telling you okay, this is how you react to this kind of thing when it happens, and there's a process to it. And the way we need to start healing is to notice the whole process, you know, before, during, after. Okay, so you'll notice that you're not in control of how you feel, think and act during that time. It's like you become unconscious and something else takes over. It's like a habit and it's important to become aware of this. It's okay, it's not that there's something wrong with you. It's like your brain is working perfectly normally. So, as part of the healing process, so many times you might feel like, oh, I'm just about to heal, yes, I'm making progress, and the narcissist will notice and they will then, you know, do something where you get triggered. So one way of protecting yourself is through preparing yourself for this.

Speaker 1: 27:19

So, knowing that there is a habit that you're trying to break, and through visualization, that can help you, because you can orient your nervous system towards the task bracketing in the way that you want it. So your nervous system is shifted towards making sure that a particular habit happens. So let's just explain this right. So, no matter how much you want to heal, your nervous system reacts in the way that is used to reacting. Yeah, so your nervous system is like used to it. So it's like you're. This is sort of. So we have to help our nervous system not react in the way that we want it. So we so, by doing the visualisation, it's like we're warming up our body to not reacting in the way that it normally does.

Speaker 1: 28:19

There's this thing called DLS. Basically, it's a region in the brain that is involved in the, in the execution of habits in a familiar context. Okay, so when that's engaged, your body and your brain have already been primed. They're like okay, this is how we execute this habit and we always do it the same way. And then you consciously have to insert something new into the habit which you want to perform. Okay, it's really, really useful. So let me explain this.

Speaker 1: 28:58

Imagine that you don't want to eat chocolate anymore. So you imagine you sit down. You imagine the next time you get annoyed you don't eat the chocolate, but you decide to go and dance instead. Yeah, so you have to insert a new process in the procedure. Does that make sense? I hope I'm explaining this. So what you're doing is you're shining a spotlight around the whole event, of whatever habit is that you're trying to change, and then you're trying to add in this feel good hormone, dopamine, into the process, moving forward. Instead of feeling worse, you want to feel good out of it. So let's put it into a practical way, okay, so that we're giving you concrete examples. So, instead of so, instead of only feeling good when the narcissist is good, you're allowing yourself to get the dopamine hit in a different way that might be healthier, and you're releasing the tension in your body and breaking down the trauma bond. Right? So this is really interesting and I think it's super powerful, because, if, if, I would have a thought and then you have to engage in replacing the whole behavior. That is quite difficult to do straight away.

Speaker 1: 30:20

We have to try and wean ourselves off the old way of being, because there's lots of different habits that we need to sort out. To do this, we have to. What the mystics and the all the religious texts that I've sort of read and I'm sure there's so many more texts and so many more mystics that I don't know about, but they're all saying pretty much the same is like start believing, visioning of what we want, as is ask, believe, receive. So you have to be able to get into a state of mind or a sequence of events leading up to the bad habit. But rather than seeing it as the whole bad habit, you have to insert an opportunity to have a different type of habit, what we call an adaptive behavior. That can be any behavior that's not in line with the behavior that you don't want, but is in line with the behavior you do want. So I'll give you an example.

Speaker 1: 31:19

You're out with your friends and you're not enjoying life anymore because all you're doing is ruminating in your head about what they've done and your mind is waiting and wanting to work out when you can talk about what the narcissist has done to you, because you're so used to thinking and wanting to talk about what the narcissist does because you get validated that way. But what you're finding is is it's a habit that after you've done the habit, you feel you're really tired. You feel like you're really drained and instead you want to feel energized and loved and you want to have more fun. So what you have to do is rehearse in your head of what it is that you would like to feel like. So, instead of talking about the narcissist, you might want to laugh more with your friends. So say, if you're out with your friends now, so you've made this decision, you've created the process in your head and you've visualized it. Now you might find that you've gone to, you're out, and then all of a sudden you found that your habits popped up and you start speaking about the narcissist and what they've done and you go hey, I've done it again. Every time I talk about them I'm going to have to tell you a joke. And if we talk about them, we're going to have to tell a joke.

Speaker 1: 32:47

And what turns out to be very effective is that you're engaging in another positive habit. Now that has two major effects. The first one is you start to think in time and think you know what? I rather identify this. You'll be more present to stop the behavior. You're more in the present moment. The other is that you start creating new behaviors. You're starting to create new neural circuits. You're creating the new opportunity of being the kind of person that you want to be and you're starting to dismantle the sequence that has been created before. So you're kind of having a double habit for a little while. Okay, and that's okay, and that's what you start with.

Speaker 1: 33:43

And then, as you start continuing, is that you start recognizing what it is that you don't want to do before it even happens, and then you start stopping it all together, yeah, and you start engaging with something that is more positive. Now I really need you to think about what it is that you want. Moving forward, this is your year. You're gonna make a massive change from it, so, and what you want is very subjective. It might be that you wanna work on getting healthier, so it might be as simple as I wanna hydrate more. I wanna drink more water. It's gotta be something specific to you. It might be that you wanna drink, that you wanna sing. You know you wanna spend, you know insert a process. Then, if you find yourself doing something you wish you hadn't done, even if it is to do with analysis, you spend five minutes singing after you've done it. Okay, cause then you're breaking the bad habit and you wanna do it as immediately or as soon after the bad habit, whatever it is that you deem to be bad.

Speaker 1: 34:56

One other thing that I think is really important in this whole process is to really show yourself more love, more understanding and more compassion for what you've been through, and if you've been listening to me for a while, you'll know what I'm going to say. Please be loving towards yourself. It is the antidote of narcissistic abuse, because it's all about hate and devaluation. The more you can love yourself, the more you'll heal. You have been through so much. You are so brave, you're so courageous. For what you've been through and the fact that you're still here, you know just that in itself is incredible. What you have been through has been no easy task and honestly, I love Rumi. He is incredible and I think he's right. Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think and twice as beautiful as you'd ever imagined. Until next time, much love, as always.