Toxic Relationships: Ever Worried "Am I the Narcissist?" Understanding Self-Doubt and Narcissistic Abuse

Have you ever questioned if you might be the narcissist after a hurtful breakup? Join me, Dr. Amen Kaur, as I unravel the complex issue of toxic relationships and self-doubt. This episode will shed light on the crucial differences between narcissistic traits and the full-blown narcissistic personality disorder. I'll guide you through the murky aftermath of such relationships, offering clarity and a pathway to understanding without the trap of self-diagnosis. With a focus on the necessity of professional evaluation and community support, we'll navigate the healing process together, ensuring you're equipped with the knowledge to thrive beyond the scars of narcissistic abuse.

Diving into the heart of narcissistic personality disorder, we'll examine the hallmarks of this condition, starting with the profound empathy deficit that defines it. Real-life scenarios will illustrate how narcissists cast themselves as victims, their sense of superiority, and their irrational entitlement. These insights will empower you to recognize these traits in others and, importantly, safeguard yourself from the chaos they can wreak. By highlighting the nuances of these behaviors, I aim to arm you with strategies to protect your well-being and maintain your sanity in the face of such toxicity.

In our closing segment, the fragile ego of a narcissist takes center stage as we dissect its traumatic origins and differentiate between a healthy self-image and the destructive practices of a narcissist. We'll confront the challenges of boundary setting, co-parenting, and the futility of expecting accountability from individuals with narcissistic personality disorder. More than that, I will underscore the spiritual perspective on ego and empathy, urging you to seek internal validation and embark on a journey of self-healing. This episode is a call to rediscover your worth and build connections grounded in mutual respect and understanding.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is Dr Amen Kaur, and each week we will bring you an important message as we explore how to detox toxic relationships. The aim of this podcast is for you to unlock your own inner knowing, your own inner greatness, so you can know how to heal from the impact of a toxic relationship, so you can get your life back on track and live your best life. After all, we are all worthy of loving our life. Today I wanted to do a quick podcast on something that people ask or talk about quite often, especially when you've been in a toxic relationship. Hey, am I the narcissist? Am I the one? That is the problem? I really wanted to spend some time to really dig into this, because if you have been in a toxic relationship, it's really easy to think that you might be the narcissist. But I really wanna break this down in a way that can make sense to you. You might have some traits that you're struggling with, or you could have full blown narcissistic personality disorder, which is something quite different. So we're gonna break it down and make it make sense for you of what's actually happened, so that you can then be able to move forward in a way where you can actually get the support that you need and make the most of your life without thinking that there's something wrong with you. So first, before we start genuinely, when we've been in a toxic relationship, it's not just the narcissist that we've experienced abuse from, it's also everybody else that doesn't fully understand what narcissism is and actually understand the impact of narcissism and why we can't just get out of it and why we've allowed somebody, if you like, to be abusive towards us. It's not that straightforward, it's not that simple, and what we need in order to combat that is a community of people that do understand, so that we feel supported and that we create a community where there is more understanding, there is more education and it helps more people heal. So if you wanna please be part of that, then do subscribe, share, like, review this podcast so more people can find this and you can be part of that community that can actually get more people to understand what narcissism is, so that we don't have to go around trying to explain it to everybody. Okay, let's get back to the whole podcast.

Speaker 1: 2:46

When it comes to narcissism, let's really put something straight. It's important to know who is a narcissist and what is narcissistic personality disorder, that, yes, there are some narcissistic traits, but that doesn't mean that you've got full blown narcissistic personality disorder. It's like you might have symptoms of anxiety or some fear, but you don't have generalized anxiety disorder. So these are two separate things. Again, also note there might have been sometimes growing up that you might have exhibited more narcissistic traits, but that doesn't mean that you've got narcissistic personality disorder. For example, when we're teenagers we are more narcissistic than we are now. As we grow up that phase, that phase that was necessary for us to grow, we've kind of moved through that. So some of us might have some traits and some of those traits might have been stronger at certain times in our life. But that doesn't mean that you've got full blown narcissistic personality disorder. But then hopefully this podcast will also help you understand and recognize and understand the narcissist to some degree as well and then put to bed that you aren't the narcissist or, if you are the narcissist, what you can do about it. So if another thing that's really important with this if you think any of these traits apply to you, it is really important to seek a professional to get properly diagnosed. Do not think this podcast is a way of being diagnosed or undiagnosing yourself. You need to get a professional to get proper treatment. The underlying traits that I'm gonna go through are gonna help you, but this isn't a way of you knowing whether you do or don't have narcissistic personality disorder.

Speaker 1: 4:52

Okay, so let's go to the first trait. The underlying and core trait that causes narcissistic personality disorder is the overall lack of empathy. It has been shown in studies that they can't make the connections in the brain to enable them to feel empathy. Empathy is when we can make a connection with another human being and actually understand what they might be going through, so that we can then change our behavior, so that we can support them, navigate what they're going through as well as we could possibly can. Now. This is a fundamental issue For them. They can't connect with anybody else, so they always think that they're the victim. You could actually be someone that needs support. You might be hurt, you might be in pain, but as far as they're concerned, they're the victim. Let me explain this to you by giving you an example Someone that's got narcissism.

Speaker 1: 5:56

You might have a relationship with your partner and they actually have an accident and they're in hospital for two weeks and you hear about it and the first thing you think about is oh gosh, what about me? You won't express that to somebody else because socially, a narcissist knows that that wouldn't be appropriate. But inside they will feel more concerned about the impact that they have on them than the person that they're dealing with. They're not really important to them, they don't have empathy. They won't be concerned about how much pain their partner might be in and what they might be going through. Their whole focus is oh, this is inconvenient for me right now. This is impacting me, and how dare they get into an accident right now? Aren't they thinking about me? And they will then feel annoyed and feel like the victim in the scenario, regardless of the fact that you're the actual person that has been in a car accident and actually in pain and you're suffering.

Speaker 1: 7:01

Another example could be that when narcissists have children, they see children as an extension of them. So they want the child to make them look good, make them look better, so elevate them in some way. So they might have this idea that their child has to play football or soccer. If you're in the US and if your child doesn't, they will feel like, ah, I need to. It's about me, I feel. What about me? How do I feel Like I need to. I'm the victim here that my child doesn't want to play soccer or football Poor me that I was left and they'll feel sorry for themselves and feel upset and feel as though the child has been disloyal to them because they aren't thinking about them and thinking about what the narcissist needs are, and they might even go around telling people that, oh, I need time to grieve the fact that my child can't play soccer or football. It was really tough for me coming to terms with all of that and unfortunately there are going to be people out there who have empathy and that might include you that might get sucked into this whole feeling sorry for the narcissist because you have empathy and you end up giving empathy to the wrong person because they're not really the victim. So one of the questions that you really want to ask is do I take all the attention as though I'm the victim and have no consideration for the other person?

Speaker 1: 8:47

Another trait, that of someone who is narcissistic, is superiority, and that pretty much means that they think they can do everything better, even if they have no skill set for it. And really what we've got to understand the basis of this and we can see this through spirituality is. Ultimately, they have no connection to their true, authentic power that is within. So for them to get their power to be seen to be Is is is to be seen as being better than everybody else, and that means they need to put you down, devalue you and compare and use themselves to everyone all the time to be the best, and if you even slightly Show them that maybe they could do something better, they will overreact as though you have said the worst thing ever. They will take everything out of context. You might be really careful and this is where stepping on eggshells is all about Is that you have to really watch your words, how you communicate. You're really trying to hone in so that you don't Trigger the narcissist because you can't have a normal conversation with this person. So before you know it, they might be putting you down, making you look bad, telling everybody how bad you are and unleashing the rage and and you don't even know that they're going around making out that you're a terrible person. But it's so that you get out of the way for them and enable them to feel superior all the time.

Speaker 1: 10:31

So the next trade is entitlement, which comes nicely off of superiority, because people with narcissistic tendency feel entitled, even in the most ridiculous things. They feel entitled to your respect, even if they haven't earned it. They feel entitled to your loyalty, even if they're not loyal. They invite entitled to your apology, even when they're completely in the wrong. Let me give you an example. I remember this was so crazy making and maybe you have experiences to and it's so tough to go through. This Is when the narcissist lies about you, tell stories about you, tries to convince you that there's a problem with you and then tells you you need to apologize to them For the way that you made them feel, when you didn't even do any of that. And that is crazy making. But that is that shows you how entitled they feel. They can even feel entitled to an apology to something that they have made up. That's incredible, but it gives you an idea of how warped the entitlement is. It's not based on anything. It's not based on anything at all. It's it's just crazy.

Speaker 1: 11:55

They might feel more entitled to you know, fly first class than you. You know they might. I'll give you an example. This is this is a fantastic example is one lady who, who hadn't had much experience in a role and expected to become, take on a director role, when, in fact, the numbers didn't show that they were at the level. They had never, ever shown any management skillset, but she felt she was entitled to be promoted into that position, even though she had no skillset for it. She felt so entitled. She destroyed a whole team. She had a CEO and other directors running around her. It was so baffling to watch, but it was because she felt so entitled, even though she had no experience for the role. She didn't have the skillset or the figures, but she knew, she felt entitled, so all she did was manipulating. So, and interestingly, you know, if you are somebody that's going for a role, you might find that you question yourself am I good enough? You know, is this good enough? When, when it's a narcissist, they don't worry about whether they're good enough. It doesn't matter if they've got any skills or they feel entitled to having whatever it is, regardless of whether they have the skillset or not, okay.

Speaker 1: 13:26

So the third trait most common is the need for attention. They have. They need supply, okay. So what attention is is your energy, is your focus, is your awareness? Yeah, so attention is what their supply is, so it might be that it's somebody else's wedding and they decide to do a toast, you know, or somehow some way they are going to try and get attention and if they don't get attention, people around them feel concerned that are they gonna, you know, have an argument with somebody? Are they gonna make somebody feel bad so that they can somehow get some attention from somebody? It could be that someone gets hurt and they decide to question a whole load of people and get involved in everything because they want to get attention. Take some attention for some kind of drama. It's. How can they shift the focus from everybody else towards them, away from the person that should be the center of attention? They find it really hard to allow anybody else to have any attention. It can't be about them. That's why they always spoil birthdays, christmas or any other major events.

Speaker 1: 14:50

The next trait that narcissists have is a need for control. It's about power and control. For this reason, you know, they need to keep up this facade of being perfect and superior. That way they can have supply and they feel like they're in control. They're in control of where your attention's at. They need that and they will use whatever form of manipulation they need to If they can charm you and get attention and supply, they will. That's control. Still, if they can love bomb you and get your attention, that's them being in control. If they can rage at you and get angry until you give them the attention they want, or anger or gaslight you and confuse you and mess you up, that's still attention. As long as they can see you getting broken down and devalued so they can be better, they will feel like your attention is on something to do with them and what they have created. They will love it and it can be so confusing. This is the thing. They might be nice, but they're doing it just so they can control you. They're trying to get your attention. They're trying to get what they want and if it doesn't work by being nice, they'll get something else out the toolbox to discredit you.

Speaker 1: 16:13

This is where they can bring in lots of flying monkeys. Essentially, it's people who will participate in this smear campaign or making you believe that maybe there's something wrong with you. This could be casual people in their lives who haven't realized who they really are. It could be your family, but again, these are people that don't really know who this person is. Flying monkeys can even be the police or the court system because they are listening to the charming narcissist and believing all their nonsense. And it can be so difficult because people don't really understand what has truly gone on and unfortunately, they can target people where it really hurts because people can't see the truth. They will listen to them and they might even agree and participate in shaming and blaming you for the issue.

Speaker 1: 17:12

Remember, the narcissist only does this. Their life is an illusion, this is a disorder. The truth of the matter is it's not you. The issue is with them. And the less you focus on them the better, because then you can use your energy into healing yourself and step back and see that actually, what they're doing is actually so unintelligent it's not intelligent at all. You all start to see huh, they are just doing what they do. They have actually got a problem and I don't want to personalize what they're doing because it's got actually nothing to do with me.

Speaker 1: 17:55

Each of us are a spiritual being in a human experience, so what that means is there's something so divine and a divine intelligence within you that you have this connection with that and this kind of behavior, the narcissist behavior, doesn't make sense to you. It doesn't make sense because you're looking for love, you're looking for connection, you're looking for joy, you're looking for happiness, and their behavior doesn't make sense because they haven't. They've lost the connection to divine intelligence. There's something else is driving them and that is power and control. And there is no intelligence in what they're doing Breaking somebody down. How is that important, when they could actually be focusing on building themselves up through their own skill set. See, it doesn't make sense.

Speaker 1: 18:51

And narcissist tendencies are coming from a space of a really, really fragile ego. I know we all have a fragile ego, right, but this is a scale. Yeah, this is a scale. So if the ego is so fragile that they're not connected to their true authentic self at all, of like knowing what values they have and what is right, your true authentic self wants to connect. It's interested in the power of love, authenticity, oneness, truth, peace, harmony, joy.

Speaker 1: 19:30

Narcissism is born out of trauma. Or you know, we and we've all had trauma. But you still want to connect, you want to heal. But narcissism they're vulnerable to, so vulnerable they can't even see themselves. They can't. It's just too much, it's too bad for them. They can't see it. They can't see how connection, love, joy is good. They hate it. They see it as a weakness, as a way of devaluing. They're kind of coming from a cunning place of how can I break something that's beautiful and devalue it so that that I can feel better about myself? Because I don't have that? It's that kind of vibe and so if things aren't playing out the way we want, we can feel out of control and it can be a scary space. We do want to protect ourselves, you know, and sometimes we do feel we're not good enough, but not at the cost of really, you know, breaking somebody else down to the point they are a nobody, nothing, in order to protect ourselves. That's the difference.

Speaker 1: 20:46

And another trait is that narcissists don't have boundaries. They have a lack of boundaries. They don't believe in boundaries, they don't acknowledge anyone else's boundaries because they believe everyone should be doing what they want them to do. You should be playing to their tunes. So there's no boundaries in their situation. And that's why narcissism, or being in a relationship with a narcissist, which you know, I think there is no such thing as being in a relationship with a narcissist really.

Speaker 1: 21:18

But co-parenting with a narcissist is, again, there's no such thing as co-parenting. They're not really parenting. Let's be honest here. They're not really looking at what is good for the child. They're only looking at how the child can look good for them and they want to be seen by everyone as being this amazing parent, the persona. But they don't actually want to do the parenting. They don't want to actually do the work involved in parenting a child. They just want to control and have the control over the child so that they can look good in society. Because, again, they don't have boundaries. They will lash out, they will throw tantrums, they will push back, they don't know how to nurture children.

Speaker 1: 22:05

Another key trait is they don't take responsibility. They will never offer you a true apology. If they do apologize, it's just so that they can pull you back into this, the cycle. If something doesn't go the way they want to, they are not going to take true ownership over it. And the way we know whether someone's taken true ownership over something is that they will change their behavior. You might make mistakes here and there, but you'll see that a person is moving towards changing their behavior.

Speaker 1: 22:39

And it's really hard for some people, as they want to recognize and they want their pain to be recognized and acknowledged. You want the narcissist to acknowledge that what they did to you was wrong. Unfortunately, that's never going to happen because they're not able to, and even if they do say those words, you won't feel heard, you won't feel understood because they don't have the ability to do that. The truth is, you don't really need them to apologize to you for you to heal. I know you think you do, but you don't. You need to acknowledge it yourself. You need to heal yourself enough to acknowledge you that you matter. You need to do that for yourself, that you do matter. Narcissists are always going to be looking outside of themselves for kind of scapegoats so they can blame and shame and displace the responsibility for what they truly have. You need to recognize deep within you that what they did was wrong and that you're okay. You don't need them to acknowledge it. If they admit that there's something wrong with them, they are literally the whole facade's going to crumble to the ground. They're just not able to do that. That's all they are.

Speaker 1: 24:02

The next trait that we're going to look at is empathy again actually, because I think empathy is so important. Empathy is when we can feel for somebody else. Say, if someone trips over, you care, you want to help them. They can sometimes understand empathy on a cognitive level. They know how to behave socially, but they genuinely think it as a weakness. They get annoyed by it and they don't really feel connected to anyone. That's why they're highly egoic.

Speaker 1: 24:34

If you look at this from a spiritual perspective, in simple terms, they have a big ego. In order to evolve in this experience, this life on earth, what we need to do is see how we are limitless, one, love, all these things, harmony. Unfortunately, the ego is all about limiting ourselves and others. We need to get to a space of finding the greatness within. That is our true power, whereas they're just looking at trying to break you down so that you don't see the greatness, so they can feel great. That's how they get that. They're usually incapable of feeling empathy like I said, you can see this from brain scans so they can't see the impact that they're having on anyone else. And sometimes they are projecting. They are saying all of those horrible things, unreal, absolutely disgusting things about you and sometimes you might be taking that on board and thinking huh, maybe I am the person that's a problem. Maybe I am because you have empathy. You're taking that on board, the projection on board, and actually listening to their stories and thinking maybe it's a possibility, and feeling sorry for them.

Speaker 1: 25:57

The next thing is the trait is called splitting. Splitting is a nice key thing to look for in terms of with narcissistic personality disorder, everything is all good or all bad. There's nothing gray in between. You know, we're human beings. We make mistakes. So for them, they never make any mistakes. But you make mistakes and it's blown out proportion and made into something that is hugely over the top. They will blame and shame to prove that they are better and that we are all bad. They will start off putting you on a pedestal, making you feel great, you're amazing, you're amazing. And then the next thing, you know you're the worst thing since Lies Brand and it's like they have this huge amount of hate for you. So this here's a few questions.

Speaker 1: 26:47

If you're still wondering whether you are a narcissist or not, or is this person in my life a narcissist, if you've got pen and paper or you just want to think out loud, you might want to pause as you're going through this. Number one does the thought of being a narcissist make you feel bad for those around you? Is it something you're concerned about deep down? Think about it, yes or no? Number two are you concerned about how others feel? Are you bothered if you know someone has you? You've upset somebody? Number three would you apologize if you genuinely thought that you'd hurt someone's feeling? Is it some regret there and you want to apologize to them because you've hurt someone? Number four does too much attention make you feel nervous and anxious? Not some attention too much. You know that all the eyes are on you. You walk in, you're looking amazing and there's too much attention. Would that make you feel nervous or would you revel in it and slow down and walk really slowly, as if I want to just revel in this as much as possible? If you have answered yes to these questions you are less likely to have narcissistic traits. If you are still not sure, let's give you some more questions.

Speaker 1: 28:12

Do you sometimes see your friends and children as an extension of you, like they represent you and they need to behave in a certain way for you? Do you often think other people aren't good enough to associate with you? Do you struggle to apologize or sometimes think that any disagreement is someone else's fault? They're wrong, they should never have said that to me. Do you struggle to see someone else's perspective or find it hard to imagine how someone else might be feeling as a result of what's happened? If you've answered yes to most of these questions.

Speaker 1: 28:57

It might be that you do have narcissistic tendencies and it's really important that you do see a professional and get properly assessed so that you can make sure that you know what's going on. There are some things that kind of line up with some of those traits and you can go okay, I want to do something about it. If you're genuinely concerned whether you're not the narcissist or you are, chances are. If you are concerned, you're probably not a narcissist. Narcissists don't have a lot of empathy for others, so you're not going to have that much concern about being a narcissist. It sometimes is. We've been so devalued that we can resonate with some of the things that the narcissist has said, because it kind of they've made something make sense that makes no sense in our heads and that is gas lighting and you might believe that you've got narcissistic traits because you can understand some of the ways that the narcissist reacts. Or it could be that what you're doing is you're reacting to some of the abuse and is reactive abuse and hence why you're starting to think that maybe you're the narcissist.

Speaker 1: 30:19

So it's time to go back to big picture thinking really and remember, when it comes to healing. It really is about self-love. So, no matter what happens, cultivate self-love, self-worth, and if you realise you've been in a toxic relationship and you're looking for healing, please do look in the resources section. There's an amazing program that I do. That's four months. If you really want to invest in healing, I have a Heal to Thrive program. I only take a limited number of people every month. So if you're interested, you want to invest in yourself, you're serious, apply. You can download the free masterclass and apply from there and we can take the next steps to see if we're aligned and we can work together. Mean you. Next time I'll speak to you again, but in the meantime, I'm sending you love and healing. I'm Dr Amonkour. Always remember, no matter what happens, please be loving to yourself. Cultivate self-worth, self-love, because love is the greatest healer. Till next time.