Toxic Relationships: 5 Oddly Common Myths about Trauma

Emerging from the shadows of a toxic relationship often leaves a wound so deep, it's invisible to the naked eye. With Dr. Amen Kaur's guidance, we take an unflinching look at the tangled aftermath of trauma, dispelling the myths that it signifies personal failure or that simply walking away from the source is an instant cure. This episode is a beacon for anyone who's felt misunderstood or alone in their battle with trauma. Dr. Amen Kaur, with his blend of personal insight and professional expertise, sheds light on the common, yet often unacknowledged, struggles that accompany the journey towards healing.

Self-compassion can be as elusive as a mirage in the desert when you're wandering the aftermath of a toxic relationship. Yet, Dr. Amen Kaur reminds us of its significance in the healing process, encouraging a cultivation of self-love that can feel like a radical act amidst the rubble of the past. In this heartfelt exchange, we uncover the steps toward embracing our worth and nurturing our emotional scars. For anyone looking to rebuild their inner sanctuary of peace, this episode offers not just understanding, but a path forward marked by kindness and the reaffirmation of our efforts to heal. Dr. Amen Kaur's message, woven throughout our conversation, is one of hope and the transformative power of self-care.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome, my friends, back to the podcast. In this podcast, we're going to be talking about five oddly common misunderstandings around trauma, which will immediately start to dissipate any self-doubt if you are managing trauma after a toxic relationship, and for each of these I'm going to be talking about what you can change right now and what you can do to help yourself and what not to do. At the end, it's Dr Amonkour here, and for me, understanding trauma was the only way I really started to heal after a toxic relationship, and it's taken me years to get to this space of peace. So this is the podcast I wish I would have listened to when I was first starting to heal from toxic relationship trauma many, many years ago. So I'm really excited to share this with you. So let's get started.

Speaker 1: 1:00

Trauma is a wound that you can't see, so you might think I don't know if I've even got trauma. I don't think I have trauma because you can't see it. So just hang in there and wait for a second. First and foremost, we all know someone I know. You know someone, someone that gets really angry very quickly, or someone you know who can be best described as being difficult, and sometimes people would just say, oh, you know, they're just like that and sometimes they're very incredibly charming. You know someone who also might have shut down, who's closed off from having meaningful relationships, and maybe they just don't know why. And I have people sometimes ask me what is a normal relationship? We sometimes assume everybody else is having a normal relationship and it's just me. I'm the one that's living with a difficult person, or the alcoholic, or the gambler, or I'm the one that is the alcoholic and or someone that's been diagnosed or undiagnosed personality disorder. We're gonna look deeper into all of this. Myth number one around trauma is that it's me. Have you ever thought there's something wrong with me? Like deep down, a deep thought, that is there something wrong with me? That is really normal, because maybe, like me, you might have already experienced this too. And then you've gone to a mainstream mental health professional and I really want you to understand and realize and this is so important that not every mental health professional knows and understands trauma. They focus on seeing you and there is seeing that there is something wrong with you and that they will help you fix it. That is their approach. That isn't how you deal with trauma, though, so you might be thinking what is the right approach. Let me explain more so we can really get into this. Myth number two is I just have to get out of this. I just have to get out of this situation.

Speaker 1: 3:34

When I first started to see clients, I was so surprised how they kept referring back to the difficult person or the difficult situation or what they had been through, what they had done. They were really having a hard time having fun, enjoying life, being with friends, being with family. They would go back and bring in the conversation about that difficult person or that difficult situation, or they would always have it at the back of their mind all the time. They were no longer able to be present in a meaningful way like they had done before. It's interesting when we look at war veterans.

Speaker 1: 4:18

War veterans also find it hard after coming back from war, and this is the research. They had a hard time loving their partners and most people would be thinking oh my gosh, how is that possible? You'd think that they would love being back in that scenario because they're out of that situation. They're out of that toxic situation. Just like when you're out of that toxic situation, you can believe oh, I'm going to love my life, I'm going to have the best time ever. But actually what happens in reality is it's hard being present in a meaningful way where you can make the most out of your life.

Speaker 1: 5:01

Now it's being actually present because you can't let go of the people and war veterans couldn't let go of the people that died. It's like they're bound to them in some way. There's a way that there's like an invisible bond, and I really want to explore this further by looking at myth number three, which is trauma, is oddly common. So many people, so many clients, are smart and competent, yet they would describe themselves as a shadow of themselves or broken. Sometimes. At the time they're keeping everything under control and they're high functioning and then something happens, there's a difficult person or there's some sort of disappointment. They are getting themselves and revving themselves to be hopeful, and then they get to a space, something happens, and then they go to overwhelm and you can feel really angry, sad, fearful, anxiety, and what is happening to them means that it's really hard to keep their responses or keep themselves feeling calm, no matter what is going on in the environment.

Speaker 1: 6:28

Now, when we look at war veterans and the studies there, it is recognized that their bodies would continue to re experience that very terrible fighting situation and events coming back, where they're seeing images, behaviors, physical sensations. And what researchers now know from many, many different studies is that we had got something wrong. We have something fundamentally wrong that is still alive in society today, that it has to be people that have been exposed to extraordinary events outside of normal human experience for that to be a trauma. Science and studies are revealing numerous studies. There's a massive misunderstanding here and it's turned out that this is not an unusual experience at all to have trauma, to have this invisible wound. Trauma is actually, unlike what we first thought, extremely common. The amount of trauma you have will vary.

Speaker 1: 7:42

Myth number four trauma is not a mindset that needs fixing. Trauma is an experience. Okay, so let's look at how you experience life Through what you see, what you hear, what you feel, what you smell, what you sense. That is how you're experiencing life right now through what you're seeing around you, what you're hearing my voice Maybe you're hearing other things as well what you're feeling within yourself. Maybe it's a smell around you or what it is. It could be a sense. It's all having an impact on your body.

Speaker 1: 8:26

So trauma happens through what is entering into your ears, what you're seeing, what you're smelling, what you're feeling, what you're sensing, and it goes into your supercomputer, which is your brain. Yes, you have a super amazing computer and when we're overwhelmed, we basically don't feel safe to say what we want to say or be how we want to be, and that is when we feel threatened or scared or we feel fearful in some way, and it goes down to a very primitive part of your brain then and it automatically interprets what is going on. Okay, in its own way, and that part of the brain is called the amygdala and we're going to call her Amy for short. Amy takes over. Yeah, you can imagine her as some sort of heroine. You know, she'll take over. She's sort of like a superhero and she reacts in a way that is super fast, is four times faster than the thinking part of your brain, and she takes over to keep you safe.

Speaker 1: 9:39

She's always looking for what is dangerous or what is safe and, in an event, something or an experience that is traumatic is anything where you don't feel safe and you have to adapt yourself and Amy is in charge, and your body starts to automatically go into a state of fight where you start getting angry, you're ready to fight someone, flight where you want to run away. You want to get away, you want to get out of this environment. You don't want to be in this situation anymore. Freeze where you feel like you just can't do anything, and form where you try and please people, please other people. So if you're a people pleaser, it's actually a trauma response so you can then adapt and survive in this situation. That's when Amy has taken over to keep you alive. So myth number five is that Amy can just move on, can just forget about it and just move on.

Speaker 1: 10:48

The lingering effects of trauma, of these experiences, these invisible wounds that you have, is that you continue to have mild stresses to elive and you continue to react to them. Stress is always going to be there, things are always going to happen. But what happens is you start reacting to these mild stresses as if your life's in danger and you tend to become more reactive. Because Amy can't just forget and move on. So you tend to be more reactive. So somebody might irritate you in a supermarket or if someone's walking too slow, they'll get on your nerves, you know. Or you might find you have more self-doubt. You become more fearful. You question yourself. More you get angry more, you become snappy with children or loved ones, or you feel you can't give out love like you used to in an authentic way. Basically, you're under more stress than you were before, and usually what most people are not aware of is they're not aware that their reactions, that they're having right now, are actually because of some of the experiences that you've had before, because you grew up in a difficult environment or you grew up with that difficult person, or you had that experience with that difficult person, or you had a boss that was difficult, and those experiences are something that you've had in the past. Even if whatever has happened is over just like the war veterans is over, amy will continue to react as if you're in danger. So what can you change right now? What is it that you can do right now?

Speaker 1: 12:54

One of the biggest challenges of you treating trauma is becoming aware of how your body reacts, without judgment, without criticism. Do not put Amy in charge by criticising and judging yourself as if you shouldn't be feeling like this. Unfortunately, in society, we have people around us that might believe there's something wrong with you if you react in a certain way. But what you can do right now, today, is one. You can make a decision, make a commitment to help you heal and that will change you, because we need to change the way we talk to ourselves and we also need to change the kind of people that we're around.

Speaker 1: 13:43

If someone around you is making you feel like there's something wrong with you and you need to fix it, you need to look at what is that impact having on you, rather than labelling yourself as you needing to be fixed. If you're going to a mental health practitioner or you've got friends or you've got family and you have trauma you've got to come to terms with. They don't understand trauma. If they're trying to fix you, what you need is look. If you need medication, it should be a short-term solution so you can heal the trauma wound. The medication isn't going to actually help you heal the trauma wound If you're going for talk therapy or traditional talk therapy or coaching, where you are trying to fix something you know, as if you can stop reacting with anxiety and depression, it's not going to work out very well because you have to help yourself heal your trauma and understanding being understanding towards yourself is healing the trauma.

Speaker 1: 15:00

First, give yourself time to connect with your body and regulate it. What that means is, you know, give it. You know, every hour, just sit with yourself and think, okay, how am I feeling? And if you feel that tension, just breathe. Start becoming aware. Don't make it wrong, but start to acknowledge that ha, I need some tools to help me heal my body connection. I need to breathe here. I need to find some tools to help me heal this. You know this, this my nervous system that is overreacting, and a great program to help you start with that. If you are interested, it's called reclaim your power. It's in the resources section. I've made it specifically for this. So that's something you can do. You know you can also go for walks. You know breathe. You know try and do the things that help your body calm and relax without judgment, as if you shouldn't be feeling like this. No judgment, you're not allowed to do that.

Speaker 1: 16:07

The second thing you should start doing is processing your emotions that come up, and I really truly believe that you need to look around you and see are you connecting with people that understand, who will hear you and understand that you are on a healing journey, or not there just to moan and hang around with people and just keep moaning? But you're there to heal. If you are allowing your emotions to come up, it's and processing them is about processing emotions to let go, to let go of how bad and sad you feel deep down, to let go of the guilt you have carried, that fear of failure. It's about acknowledging yes, this did happen to me. Yes, and this is what I'm dealing with. Become aware of the wound that is invisible and make it visible to yourself. Now, you can also do this with a trauma therapist or, if you need to, you know that that's always useful. But if you can't do that, for whatever reason, then connect to other people in some way.

Speaker 1: 17:23

Don't isolate yourself, because science has revealed that trauma, to heal trauma, you need oxytocin. And what is oxytocin is a hormone that we generate within our own bodies and it's the love hormone. Okay, and it one way is to connect in a loving way to a community of people who understand what you're going through. And if this is something you want, you know you can have a look in the resources section, and I do have a heal to thrive program. But find ways.

Speaker 1: 17:57

If you can't do that, find ways of connecting. And it's so important to have self compassion, love and knowing that where you are is understandable given the scenario that you've been in. It's understandable to be stuck in the past. Please is understandable to be stuck in the past. This is the first important part of understanding this trauma and actually beginning to recover. Start acknowledging this is what I'm dealing with and I need to take care of the wounds that I'm carrying inside of myself. So my wish for you today is that you be kind to yourself, understanding and start cultivating self love, because you really are worth it, or till next time, sending you so much love.