Toxic Relationships. Alone Together: The 3 Ways Isolation Impacts You

When the veil of a seemingly perfect relationship is lifted, what remains can be a haunting silence filled with the echoes of what once was. This episode with Dr Amen Kaur is an intimate exploration of the hidden wounds left by toxic relationships, and the crippling isolation that often follows. We open up about the pain that lurks beneath the surface, the loneliness that persists even in a crowd, and the exhausting façade of normalcy many of us maintain. Our conversation delves into power imbalances, the insidious nature of control, and how the need to rebuild confidence becomes paramount in the quest to find one's authentic self again.

Navigating the treacherous path of recovery, we dissect the profound impact of isolation on mental health, making parallels with the disturbing findings from primate studies and the realities of solitary confinement. Together with Dr Amen Kaur we uncover the truth behind fear-induced withdrawal, and how self-sabotage is not a flaw but a scar of past trauma. In the company of compassionate voices and shared experiences, we discuss the pillars of healing—self-compassion, community, and support. Join us as we offer strategies for reflection and empowerment, providing a beacon of hope for anyone yearning to step out of the shadows of isolation and into a life reclaimed.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Let's say, you really want to get your confidence back you really after a difficult or toxic relationship and you feel like where would I be if I hadn't lost those years? Or you have regret over losing time and losing out on whatever it was that you were doing before. Where would you be right now? We are going to go really deep in this video. We're going to look at three deep questions that you're probably asking yourself. One is why are you even self-isolating? Two, the impacts of that isolation that you've been through. And three, what do you do to actually make the most of your life today so that you heal, so that you don't lose out on any more time, no more regrets over time. You make the most of all your time moving forward. Firstly, I really wanna thank you for being here. Look, you're here. You're listening to this podcast, you're watching this video. You are actually committed to yourself and you're part of this community and by the end of this video, by the end of this podcast, you are actually going to feel like a part of you is healed because you would have a greater understanding. So today we're going to be really devoting attention to the impact. We're really going to be looking at the experience that you have been through, through the difficult relationship, and really dig deep. We're going to look at what happened to you not what do we need to do to fix, as if there's something wrong with you, but really understanding what happened to you. Traditional therapy actually looks at what is wrong so then we can fix it. That's not the right way. The most important question you can ask so that you can make sense and actually for change to occur is what happened? Then we're going to look at the research, we're going to look at facts. We're looking at evidence and making sense of everything for you so you can apply it to yourself in the real world, for your experience, and that will give you an understanding why the system doesn't understand the impact. Maybe your friends, maybe your family don't really understand the impact it's had on you and so that we don't continue to minimize the impact just because we don't see bruises or wounds on us, that doesn't mean that it's not real. The trauma isn't real just because it's invisible. We don't want to dismiss it.

Speaker 1: 2:25

Before we start, I really want to bust one myth right. Just because you might look like you're having a great life, it might look like you've got a really good car, you've got a nice family or whatever it is. It doesn't mean that you haven't secretly been experiencing a really difficult relationship and it's been tough. There's been so much trauma and difficulties. Sometimes people can judge us by the car we drive or the house we live in, but this isn't an issue. This doesn't depict whether you've been in a difficult or a tough life or not.

Speaker 1: 3:04

This scenario of living in difficult relationships and the trauma that it impacts this is something that goes across all society. So I really want you to know, no matter how things look to the outside world, you are not alone. You really are not alone. Sometimes, having to pretend everything is okay in a community, in family circles, is so lonely and this is because we're hiding, we have to keep everything a secret that actually we are being traumatized and yet we have to be seen to be okay. We're seen to be okay. You're not alone in that.

Speaker 1: 3:47

When we're in relationships where one person has a tendency of wanting power and control over other people, it's something that happens on a constant, everyday moment. Even if you're going out to bread, you will find that it has to be the bread that they like, the way they want it. It's got to be what they want. In every single interaction. They need to be in control and have the power over somebody. So one thing I would say to you, if you have found that you have lost confidence to go out into the world or you've got more anxiety than you used to, is to really start to observe. You will start to notice that they are surprised when you bring up that the way you're being treated or when you want your needs met, that it's a surprise to them that you actually, that they're doing anything, and that in itself can make you feel withdrawn. That is when you can start to observe and see, huh, it's a different rule for them and it's a different rule for me, and it's really important to observe all the different things. So if you are, for instance, going out to buy some bread, it has to be the bread they want. It doesn't, it's not, you're not, you don't matter in this, it's always their bread. What they want this is entitlement. They have normalized in your life. They have normalized being difficult, doing what they want, having their needs met without having concern or care for what other people want. So when this gets normalized for them, that gets normalized for you. We can just sort of fit in to try and keep the peace.

Speaker 1: 5:41

So if you are or have been part of a culture or a community, or maybe it's because of your conditioning, then we disconnect with what's happening behind closed doors, which is difficult. Maybe there's trauma on a daily basis and what is being portrayed on a daily basis and what is being portrayed, there's a disconnect, and sometimes it can be poles apart of what's being projected into the world and what's really happening, the amount of disrespect that's going on. So this creates deep loneliness, huge amount of loneliness, because there's a disconnect and it's not obvious why we start to isolate. But it is one of the main reasons why we start to isolate Because of the feelings that are created because of the disconnect. It takes so much energy to do something where, if you are an authentic person, you want to be real, you want to be who you really are, for you to have this division, this divide. It takes its toll on you because it takes so much energy to be, to act as though you're okay when deep down you're not.

Speaker 1: 7:04

So when you're out with people, you're actually really lonely because you're not really deeply connecting authentically with another person. Because we need that feeling of really deep connection and sometimes you know you don't need to be in a relationship where there's deep knowing and understanding of each other. You can actually deeply connect with somebody just through being authentically you, as real as you can be, even in an interaction such as, you know, smiling at somebody and saying hello in the morning to a stranger. But there's still that connection that you feel with that person. And sometimes that connection that you feel with that person and sometimes that connection that you feel with that person, that stranger that you don't even know and you've said hello, can feel so much more than the relationship that you might have with someone for 10 years. So the person that's causing the trauma or is being difficult, they will think this is normal to have one you know. Show the world one thing you know so this is like a narcissistic trait and then actually do something completely different and be a different person. Behind closed doors, where their mask has slipped off, they don't actually see what they're doing is actually causing harm. I know it sounds crazy. What's really happening in reality for you and this causes a real feeling of isolation. Even when you have lots of people around you, you can feel really deeply alone.

Speaker 1: 8:58

So let's now look at number two. See, the people who abuse or cause trauma for other people strongly believe they are doing nothing wrong. Okay, and that sounds crazy to us, especially when we see some of the things that they do, but they feel like they have this aura about them as though they're protected, they've done nothing wrong and if someone brings up what they have done, say I don't know, the system comes and arrests them, for instance, they will fit. They will look at them as though that you know they are a victim. They will become that victim, even if you know they have traumatized somebody that's you know is actually a victim, like a child or someone. So when there's a difficult person and they get caught, they do have a huge amount of fear, but their fear is usually masked with anger or sadness or rage or defiance or being a victim, it could go, but it's all masked. It's as though they've done nothing wrong. And it is really really baffling for us that their reaction is so extremely like no, I haven't done anything wrong, and that's where the gaslighting is so prominent, and that further isolates us. I just want you to really consider the impact of this on you, but the isolation is massive because it happens within yourself.

Speaker 1: 10:38

Let me explain this. When we start to question ourself huh, is this true? Did it really happen? Am I the person that should be to blame? Am I overreacting? What if I hadn't done this? They wouldn't have done that. I'm the needy one. I push them to do it.

Speaker 1: 10:56

This happens all the time, even when it's obvious and it can't be denied, where there's physical abuse. Yet when you're in a relationship with a toxic person or a difficult person, there's a real total disconnect from their part on what they're doing is actually harmful, and that's why, when you're having a conversation with them and you're trying to explain to them this is the impact of what you're doing and you're really desperately trying to make them understand what they're doing isn't okay. They will have this response where you will then get further abused or be told that you're the wrong person, and they have this real level of arrogance. And it gets to this point where we then start to normalize and accept that behavior because they aren't phased by what they've done, they're not reacting in the way that they understand what has happened and they're not verifying what has happened. Now. This is why some of us can get really stuck in wanting them to accept or apologize or acknowledge what they have done to us because of this particular, the impact it has on us.

Speaker 1: 12:11

The impact it is having on you is that they've got a real defiance. They don't even understand why you're even bringing it up, and the impact it has on you is that you're disconnecting within yourself and you're starting to question yourself. That's the pain. That's where you're isolating yourself from you almost. That you're isolating, you're almost being separated, and it's in those moments the impact of their behavior you are. That isolation from yourself is like the last straw. It's really really tough, where then you can't trust your own experience anymore. And I really want you to remember this, because this will make sense at a later date when we look what we're going to go on to number three, where we look at the science behind all of this, behind isolation, and it's really going to give you a major aha moment and hopefully, some healing of the back of it as well, through the understanding, because they're so adamant, because they believe they've done nothing wrong, because they come across in all their communication as if they are the victim and, in essence, they're still traumatizing you and pretending to be the one that's the victim and that you're the bad one. You might have even heard things like you know it's your fault, you know you didn't love me enough, that's why I cheated on you. Or is your fault, I gambled all the money away because you didn't manage me. You know this actual response.

Speaker 1: 13:45

This way, when we get to the point where they're gaslighting us in this way, where there's the real confusion going on, it really is a form of dehumanization going on. It really is a form of dehumanization. Dehumanization is basically disconnecting and accepting yourself as a human being who has basic needs, and it's normalizing it that you don't have needs. It's so incredibly lonely. When that dehumanization occurs, the likelihood of trauma increasing the relationship increases so much because now you're disconnected to your own truth and your own experiences and what's happening to you as well.

Speaker 1: 14:30

But now let's look at number three, which is the science behind it all. We need to look at what happens when human beings are put into isolation. When you've been in a difficult relationship, you have been isolated from other, trying to take away people from you that support you, and we need to see the impact of this. It's huge, okay. So if you're going through a phase where somebody is going around. You know you've done one bad thing in your life and they're going around trying to make you out to be the bad person, blaming you for everything, and it's absolutely ridiculous.

Speaker 1: 15:06

Normally, when we've been in difficult relationships, they have all been isolating. They are isolating and at the same time, you're doing most of the work. You may be working more than they are. You're taking more responsibilities than they are that you might be taking the financial responsibilities, the home life responsibilities, the emotional welfare of the family it might be lots of different things that you're doing. Doing you're working harder and you're also getting punished, so nothing you're doing is good enough in their eyes, and they're getting everybody else to think of you in a bad way as well. They're going around telling people oh yeah, they did this to me, this is what happened when it's not really appropriate for them to do it. So then what happens is sometimes you start to work harder to get their approval, because you don't want any drama, you just want peace and harmony.

Speaker 1: 16:02

Well, I want to share some research that you might have already come across. In the late 70s, there's a research psychologist. His name was Harry Harlow. His most famous work was with monkey experiments was so. The results of isolation was so terrible for the monkeys that the work was actually heavily criticized later, and rightly so, because it's almost as though they you know, the monkeys were getting tortured. So I really want you to take that on board for a second. It's like torture being isolated from other people, and it really puts into context what isolation does and why isolating people from others, you know, is so trauma-based. There's so much trauma that somebody is inflicting on another human being. So let's look at the impact on the monkeys and what he did.

Speaker 1: 17:06

He did it over time, yeah, so there was some monkeys that were isolated partially or fully over different timeframes, like three, six, nine, 12 months. After three months they were starting to self-soothe. You could see they were doing behaviors like rocking or self-clutching, and after six months they didn't want to eat. Now, which animal, if you put food in front of them, doesn't want to eat? You know, this is the basic need for survival. So what that means and they had to be force-fed. What that is basically telling us is that when we are isolated, we don't want to live anymore. There's a part of us that starts to give up. The other thing was that they weren't emotionally responsive. They become emotionally numb. So just really, for a moment, take that on board.

Speaker 1: 18:02

When people are isolating you from others, when you feel isolated from others for whatever reason, you can get to a point where it can really impact you emotionally and also your want to live. Because if you and I really want to bring this up because if you have been in a difficult relationship and you have been isolated from people that you love, even though you might not have the physical wounds on you, it hurts. This is real, the impact of this is real. So you might where you might not. You used to be this go-getter. You had so much to give. You were energized once, this person, but now you might not have that anymore and I want you to know that this isn't you. This is the impact of what you have experienced, what you have been through.

Speaker 1: 18:57

So if people tell you to just get over something or just to get on with something, it's really not that easy. So people have to take on board what isolation does. Much more seriously, you know, sometimes people think, oh, there's no harm done. All they did was, you know, just say some bad things about you. They just, you know told lies about you, or they just went and really, you know, told everyone about some of the mistakes that you'd made so that they could isolate you and make you look like a bad person. Oh, there's no real harm done. But what you're really dealing with is something much deeper. I mean, this is really cruel behavior when you really look at it. When you're dealing with the impacts of isolation just to keep a relationship, this toxic relationship, intact. It's really a power and control move that is very, very cruel.

Speaker 1: 19:55

So let's look at more about what happened to the monkeys. Yeah, in terms of the impact, they started to feel helpless and the impacts lasted. So you have to assume that until you, you know, can heal the impacts, there might be helplessness, a feeling of hopelessness that keeps coming back, and they had to relearn. The monkeys had to relearn how to reenter into social interaction where they felt safe. You know, monkeys started showing self-harming behaviors. So if you are actually sabotaging yourself or doing self-sabotaging behaviors, it's really understandable, because there's a sense of fear in socializing and putting yourself out there that you might not have experienced before, and I'll explain a little bit more in a moment about the fear part, and this is very, very important.

Speaker 1: 20:51

So if we look at also solitary confinement, so if we look at some prisoners that have been through that, we can actually see some of the results of that. Actually, 40 to 50 times more is normal for most prisoners that have had solitary confinement to have symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder and they become more reclusive, they become more socially withdrawn even when they're free and they have self-harming behaviors during and after prison and they're more aggressive. So there's a tendency to have depression, anger, anxiety, obsessive thoughts and underneath all of this you can see that if you have been in an isolating situation or you've been isolated in any way in your life, that you will need to heal this so that you can make the most of your life. It's really not about there's a problem with you. It's just there's a problem because of what you've experienced and it needs to be taken more seriously.

Speaker 1: 21:56

And another way of really looking at the symptom of solitary confinement is that the brains of the inmates. They showed that there was decreased brain neural activity and what that really means is that it impacts us. Isolation impacts us on a psychological, emotional and on a brain level. It takes its toll on us and the mortality rate actually dramatically goes up. I think it was about 50 to 100 times more. That there was more in terms of the research. After solitary confinement there were more people that suffered through that as well, so they were more likely to you know, to experience death.

Speaker 1: 22:49

So if you look at what Harlow says in a quote in terms of his findings, I'll read this out for you the findings of the various total isolation and semi-isolation studies of monkeys suggest that sufficiently severe and enduring early isolation reduces these animals to social emotional level in which the primary social responsiveness is fear. So let's boil it down Basically when we have been in isolation partial or full isolation of any kind, partial or full isolation of any kind we are going to experience more fear. We're going to feel more fear even when you're out of the relationship. So where do we go from here? How do we heal? So if we look at Harlow's experiment, fear is the main outcome, but it's fear that leads us to social withdrawal. It's fear that drives everything.

Speaker 1: 23:49

Fear is what is leading us to self-sabotaging behavior and if you look at your life, you probably can see this clearly, that you can now make sense of your own experience, that you might feel more fear around social interactions. You're trying to avoid relationships now because you've got a fear of you don't want to be triggered or you don't want to find more relationships where you get, you know, some sort of trauma from the back of it. So you, just going through this whole video with me, will know now it's not you and it makes sense of what happened to you is it's not you, that you're not someone that just has more fear and more anxiety, as if there's something wrong with you. This is a result of the experience that you've been through, and now the most important thing you can do is release your fear. You see, you can become the person that you were meant to be and understand. Okay, the effects of this other person on me was it's created more fear, but on the flip side, when we have been through a difficult relationship, we can become a better person too. Well, because we can now understand the effects on other people.

Speaker 1: 25:17

Now, when you're going out into the world, you can see you can understand somebody else now who might have been in a toxic relationship or might have been isolated, because now you have an understanding. And what does understanding create? It creates compassion, it creates connection. So maybe now you can connect to more people than you ever have done, because you're becoming more aware of everything, instead of neglecting your own needs, which is isolation.

Speaker 1: 25:51

Just in this video alone, you have connected, not just with me, but a community that has watched this, and now you're already healing because you are creating compassion and understanding for yourself and in so, you're learning and you're understanding others who have been through this too, and you're connecting with me, who, too, has been through this experience. So you're already healing and you do deserve love, you do deserve understanding, you do deserve compassion. And what do you need to douse fear with Love? There's only love and fear. Ultimately, you can come from a space of love for yourself now, instead of coming from a space of fear.

Speaker 1: 26:43

It's actually thinking and wondering how can I help another person who might have been through something like that and go and give them that hug, go and connect on some level, you know, subscribe to this channel and be part of this community. That, too, is connecting and looking at ways of now, of healing your fear, moving forward. How can you heal your fear? One, you can be much more understanding and more loving towards yourself, moving forward and actually, secondly, if you're really wanting to go deep, do look into the resources section and look for more ways of supporting so that you can heal your fear, moving forward and taking it seriously. I am sending you so much love. I really hope this has really helped you understand and reflect on what might be happening for you or what has happened for you, so that you can see it's not you, but it is a matter of just conquering your fear, moving forward. I'm sending you so much love. Keep being loving Till next time.