So Be It: Science-backed self-mastery for success so you can prosper with purpose

You Think You Need More Confidence - But That’s Not the Block

• Dr Amen Kaur

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Ever notice the tension where you know being visible is the next step: at work, in love, or in your direction and yet something in you quietly holds back?

This episode goes straight to that contradiction.

The block isn’t a lack of confidence.
 And it isn’t fear or self-doubt.

It’s a nervous system that learned, at some point, that visibility didn’t lead to response, safety, or return, so it adapted by conserving energy. Not consciously. Automatically.

We explore how attachment patterns and social environments teach systems when to offer themselves forward and when to withdraw. That withdrawal wasn’t a failure. It was intelligent. It preserved dignity and stability when expression wasn’t met.

The problem is that this strategy doesn’t automatically update when life changes.

You’ll hear why logic, mindset work, and “putting yourself out there” often fail here, not because they’re wrong, but because systems don’t respond to insight. They respond to conditions.

This episode introduces a clear internal model:
 one part of you oriented toward expansion and contribution,
 and another responsible for safety and inhibition.

Nothing is wrong with either part.
 The tension comes from how long one has been running the system alone.

Rather than pushing for visibility, we reorient toward what allows systems to stand down on their own — the conditions under which expression becomes safe again and movement resumes without force.

If what you’re noticing right now isn’t urgency or excitement, but a quiet readiness a sense that you’re done being held back that’s often the signal that structure, not pressure, is what’s needed next.

I’ve created a free masterclass that lays out the structure required for growth after withdrawal, not confidence training or hustle, but the conditions that allow a system to re-engage and rebuild.

If that feels relevant, you’ll find it at the top of the show notes.

🌿 Free Gift for My Listeners:
If you’ve been feeling stuck, overthinking, or ready for a calmer, more confident way to grow — I have a free masterclass for you.

It’s called “How to Reset Your Biology for Calm, Confident Success — Even If You’ve Faced Setbacks.”

You’ll learn how to release survival stress, regulate your nervous system, and grow from safety, not struggle.

🎁 Watch it free here → www.amenkaur.com/masterclass

Because you can only grow as far as your body feels safe to go — and it’s time to start again from calm, clarity, and connection. 🌸

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🧠 Best For: Transformation, Empowerment, self-help, confidence, mindset, healing, identity transformation, psychology-based growth, neurobiology, success without burnout.

⚖️ Disclaimer

This podcast is for educational purposes only and does not replace professional advice.

If engaging in guided practices, ensure you’re in a safe, grounded space.
By listening, you accept full responsibility for how you use this information.

SPEAKER_00:

So you know that being visible is the next right step for you. You want to be seen more at work maybe or for your career or whatever it is, maybe in relationships. But at the same time, something in you is quietly refusing to move. Not because you're scared, and it's not because you lack confidence, but because a part of you learned a long time ago that stepping forward didn't lead to anything. So your system has learned to stop doing it. So let's name something directly. Wanting to be seen is not a flaw. Wanting to be acknowledged, recognized, responded to, being seen, heard, and understood is not a weakness. It's not being needy. What that is truly is a relational need. And if you've learned along the way that you shouldn't need that, you shouldn't need to be seen, and that needing it made you somehow selfish, needy, or an attention seeker or dramatic or unsafe in some way, then it makes complete sense that another part of you stepped in and said, Fine, I won't need it at all. That doesn't mean that that original need of being seen, heard, and understood and having your needs met for people to see what is happening to you doesn't matter. It means that that need went quiet. When a nervous system learns that expression or expressing the impact on you or what it is that you need doesn't lead to connection, understanding, compassion. It doesn't keep pushing for that connection. So say if you keep asking for something over and over and over again, and you know there's no point. Eventually you'll stop pushing and you'll start conserving. This happens a lot when you're in some sort of power and control dynamic where it could be relationships, it could be your work. But if you notice that someone doesn't listen or connect with you, eventually you're going to stop asking for what you need and you'll start conserving your energy. That withdrawal isn't failure. It is a relational response to an environment that just didn't meet you where you were, didn't see you, didn't understand you, didn't acknowledge you. And the part of you that learned to pull back isn't sabotaging you, it's protecting you from repeating a disappointment because that never got completed, it never got processed. So what's happening is that you stop asking, you don't get your needs met, but at the same time, you don't have to feel that disappointment. We actually see this pattern across psychology and neuroscience. Humans don't decide visibility purely on desire. We decide it based on predicted return. So even though all of us need to be seen, heard, and understood, because it's wired into us to belong. But what we do is we decide on how visible we're going to be based on the predicted return. So, how likely am I to actually receive that acknowledgement? Attachment research shows that when early signals aren't reliably met, like I'm putting out a signal saying, hey, I'm feeling sad or I'm feeling upset. And if no one came to see or hear me or acknowledge me, the nervous system adapts by reducing bids, not increasing them. So what that means is you actually stop putting that out, saying, hey, I need support here. You don't start increasing it because you know that my needs aren't going to be met and they're not reliably met. So social systems research shows the same thing. People don't avoid being seen because they lack confidence. So many people get this wrong. They think, oh, I need more confidence, I need to believe in myself more. They avoid being seen when visibility has historically required too much regulation. It makes sense, right? So if you, for instance, have been in a difficult relationship, and if you ask for something or if you're seen, then if you're punished for wanting to be seen, that means that you need a lot more regulation. Or if you've been in a toxic relationship, you'll know that actually you just want to blend in, you don't want to be seen because you don't want them to react and need too much regulation afterwards. So over time, the system learns a simple rule. Blending in costs less. And there's so much research on this, that adaptation can be incredibly intelligent if you think about it. Because what it's doing is it's preserving energy, it's preserving dignity, it's preserving internal stability. The problem is it doesn't automatically update when the environment changes. That's the problem. So this is the part that matters most. If this is you, nothing has gone wrong. You didn't fail to become confident, you didn't miss a development step, you are not resisting success. I know it can seem like self-sabotage, but you're not really resisting success. You're probably someone that wants success, but you're living inside a system that once learned it was safer to stay hidden and not seen and not need anything. And that learning wasn't a mistake, it was an adaptive method, it was an adaptive system at that time. The tension that you feel now isn't a flaw. It's what happens when an old strategy meets a new season. So if you're someone that actually wants to be visible, wants success, because visibility and success are so aligned, you need to be seen so that you can get success, so you can get more clients, so you can get that promotion, so you can be in a loving relationship, you need to be seen. So if you're wanting that, then that old strategy doesn't align with this new season. And the system hasn't yet been given a reason to update, and it hasn't been shown how to update. If this were just all about confidence, you would have fixed it already. If this was just about courage, you probably would have forced your way through. You would have made it happen for the results. And if this were just about insight alone, understanding why this happens, no matter how much thinking you've done, and I know you're intelligent because most of the people that are my clients are highly intelligent. And I'm thinking that if you're listening to me, you're probably someone that enjoys understanding what's actually happening. But the truth is, all of those areas in your life hasn't fixed this for you. Because the thing that's stopping you from really being seen, it isn't a lack of belief in yourself. It's a system that has learned that visibility was unsafe, pointless, or even costly. So it's more like a lack of feeling safe in believing in yourself. And systems, you see, don't respond to logic. So the system that you're operating under doesn't respond to your thinking, and we know this through neuroscience. It actually responds to conditions and experiences more. So when you tell yourself, I need to put myself out there, or I shouldn't need to be seen. Oh, I'm such an attention seeker. Like, why do I need people to see me? Or what other people will think I need attention, or other people don't need to do this, so why do I? But why am I so needy? Or I'll do it when I'm ready, like I need to learn more, I need to do this degree, or I need to do this training, and then I'll do it. What actually is happening is this there's a protective part of you that hears this as a threat. It's not a motivational challenge. Yeah, I need to put myself out there and get that pay rise or whatever it is that you're looking for, or a loving relationship. It actually feels something. There's a part of you that feels like this, it's like a threat because in the past, being seen didn't lead to connection, it led to disappointment or being ignored. And a lot of people that have experienced trauma that's been created from being neglected deeply feel this. Or you were told that actually putting yourself out there is bad. So the system did what systems do when exposure hurts. You're putting yourself out there and they're coming and commenting on you, how you're looking. It actually reduces visibility. It goes, hey, if I put myself out there, I'm gonna get this feedback or I'm not gonna get any feedback, so I might as well not bother. It's not dramatic, it's not conscious. Sometimes it's really quiet. Sometimes you can really feel the pain and you still think and you still plan and you still prepare, but you don't move forward. So you can do a lot of work, but you don't actually get the results. And the more you try to override this with mindset or affirmations or confidence work or whatever it is that you're trying, the more that protective system seems to have a tighter grip on you. And it can be really frustrating. I'm talking about it from personal experience as well. Because from its perspective, you're asking it to relive something. It's actually saying, hey, leave me alone because I don't want to relive that pain. It never got the acknowledgement in the first place. This is the key constraint. You cannot reason a system into safety. You can't speak to it and say, hey, let's become safe about having visibility. And you cannot outthink a strategy that was built to protect you. Trying harder isn't going to fix it, or telling yourself off is definitely not going to fix it. What tends to happen is it just gets more embedded. Understanding it perfectly doesn't fix it either. Not because you're failing, but because this isn't a thinking problem. It's a regulation and an internal system problem, allowing yourself to really take that power and control back for yourself, within yourself. And until that changes, it can feel like you don't have the power to move forward. Any attempt to be visible will feel like a self-betrayal to a part of you. It's like there's a part that's sort of niggling and saying something like you shouldn't need that. Or who do you think you are, or something along those lines. No matter how badly another part of you really wants to succeed. And this isn't a flaw, it's why you're stuck. So if you can't think your way into being seen and you can't force your system past this experience through willpower, let's look at what does work. The answer isn't visibility. The answer is actually allowing yourself to embody the power within you, like internal authority returning into your body. Right now, one part of you wants expansion. Yeah? You want to succeed, you want to do well, maybe you want to pay rise or a new job or success, or you want to express your talents. You know you've got something to give and you know you're meant to do something, but you don't know what it is. You want that recognition for yourself, within yourself. And then there's another part of you that is responsible for safety, minimizing exposure, not wanting to feel that pain. Neither parts are wrong, right? They're both correct. They're both doing their best for you. The problem is that the protective part has been running the system alone. What changes things is when that part no longer has to stay on duty. Look, let me explain this in terms of children. And you might have experienced this when you were a child yourself, or maybe you have children yourself. You can see this pattern clearly in children. When something hurts, they run into their room normally and they'll say something like, Leave me alone, go away. And then they might be really upset, they're crying, and you know they're hurt. And all they really need is to be actually held. But there's a part that is saying, No, go away, leave me alone. I don't want you to see me. You know, when that part is acknowledged, that part that is protecting, and rather than pushing that part away, if you actually acknowledge that part and just sit with it, and you're there, and you allow it to have its kind of tantrum, if you like, that pushing away, them saying, Go away, leave me alone, because what they don't want is to relive that pain. They're trying to protect themselves. That's when the system no longer needs to hold the line as tightly and say, Hey, I don't want to be seen by anyone. Leave me alone. I don't want you to see me. Systems only begin to stand down, like that part starts to sand down when they register something has changed, that they have been seen, they've been acknowledged, they've been understood, that what happened wasn't right. They will start to soften and calm down slowly themselves, and then that pain starts to shift and change, and things start to organize around it where it's no longer dismissing your ability to be seen. It doesn't need to protect you anymore. That part that goes, Yes, leave me alone. So the access of the movement isn't here. Like, how do I become more visible? If I start telling my teenager or that part, that child that's saying, Leave me alone, let me see you, but you need to be more visible. That's not going to help. It's more that you allow that part to soften of itself and you bring love to it, you acknowledge it. So, what happens is that that part of me that learned not to step forward is now not having to protect me or having to feel like I have to hide that feeling of being ashamed of feeling upset about not being seen, heard, and understood. When that part is no longer framed as an obstacle, something really subtle starts to shift. That resistance is no longer as loud because it's seen. It's acknowledged. It's not, you're not trying to fight against it. You're not saying that that part that's trying to protect you from the shame is wrong. You're actually acknowledging that part. You should have been seen, you should have been heard, you should have been understood. And then that resistance is no longer as loud. This is where visibility stops being like an act of self-violation and starts being a byproduct of regulation. Like it just becomes natural. You don't have to announce yourself, you don't have to perform, you don't need courage, you just are being you. You're fun, loving, amazing you. There's simply less internal opposition about allowing the real you to come out. So your expression no longer needs force or acting and feeling this pressure of worrying about being seen. People who are seen without strain aren't trying to be visible. They're just trying to be them. Not because they're healed, not because these people are like superhumans and they've healed everything, not because they resolved everything in their past, but because the system now trusts that, hey, being seen or having exposure or putting myself out there won't mean I'm gonna get abandoned by me, thinking that I shouldn't need to be seen, heard, and understood. And here's the part that is quite intentionally uncomfortable. Trust does not come from insight alone. It doesn't come from processing within yourself by yourself. You can't stabilize in isolation. Because the original wound happened in a relationship, in not being seen, heard, mirrored, or responded to in the way that you needed. You can't re-orientate yourself completely in privacy or privately. It actually completes in an environment where you're not holding yourself back, where your expression doesn't require some sort of internal negotiation, but you're actually seen, heard, and understood. It's where visibility no longer carries the same costs as it once did. You're allowed to be seen, you're allowed to be heard, you're allowed to be held and understood emotionally. Your nervous system to be heard. It's not to make you confident, but it's to let your system learn something new. And it can only learn that something new through experience. That visibility can exist now in your life. Success can come your way. You can get that job, you can get that pay rise without effort, without force, without self-abandonment. And when that learning begins to land, movement doesn't need to be pushed because something in you no longer has to fight visibility to stay safe. So if you notice something right now, even a small softening, that's enough. Not clarity, not confidence. What matters is that something in you may feel less opposed to moving forward than it did before. And when the system isn't fighting itself, you will start to feel this movement like I do want to move forward. And I don't need to fall sick, I want to make a difference, I want to move forward. It shows up. And if this resonated, it doesn't mean that you need to act on it and start building a business tomorrow. What it means is you can make a difference, you can move forward in a small way, but you can feel that movement inside of you, and it's starting to feel possible for you. And that's where real change begins. It's not with effort, but it's with permission. And you know whose permission you you really want? Yours. So if you're noticing right now there's some readiness, not urgency, but just a quiet sense of I'm done holding myself back. I know the cost of staying here, and you're really clear on that. Usually that's a signal, but when a system has low. To hold itself back for a long time and you've become aware of it because you're quite an aware person and you're aware that it doesn't move forward through willpower, and you've tried that maybe for a few years now. What it actually needs is structure. Not in the motivational sense, but in the same way a body needs structure after surgery. Say if someone's had a hip replacement, they don't go straight back into running by trying harder or trying to motivate themselves more. First, the body needs to support, it needs stability, it needs to rebuild itself, like its muscles, etc., around that new hip. Then controlled protective movement to support, to create a new structure. Only then does it have the strength to return. Growth works in the same way in your brain, in your nervous system and the body, especially when the block wasn't laziness, like you have a desire. It's not fear, or it's not a lack of desire. You need a system that can learn how to hold itself. Because moving forward wasn't met with acceptance, safety, or response. That's why I've created a free masterclass. It lays out the structure required for growth after withdrawal, after trauma, or after a difficult environment, maybe a toxic relationship, after a chapter that required you to shut parts of yourself down. This isn't mindset, this isn't hustling, but the conditions that allow a nervous system, a brain, to safely re-engage and rebuild. And if you're at that point where rebuilding actually makes sense and you're ready to get that support, you're welcome to access it. It's in the show notes. The structure that allows movement to return. So the system starts supporting your next steps, even when you're not fully sure what those steps are. So please continue to be kinder, more loving, and understanding towards yourself. Love is a powerful healer. I'm sending you so much love. Till next time.