So Be It: Succeed after Survival Mode

Why Moving Forward Feels So Hard - Even When You’re Ready

• Dr Amen Kaur

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Why does moving forward feel so hard - even when you know you’re ready?

You’re capable. You’ve proven yourself before. You have ideas, plans, and ambition.
And yet, when it’s time to move, something inside you slows down.

This episode with Dr Amen Kaur explores why that hesitation isn’t a mindset issue or lack of discipline - and why progress can start to feel risky even after past success.

We unpack how the nervous system learns from experience, not intention. When growth has historically been followed by cost - increased demand, loss of safety, burnout, judgment, or control,  the body begins to associate success with threat.

That conditioning doesn’t show up as fear of failure.
 It shows up as hesitation before action.

This conversation explains:

  • Why willpower often backfires when the body expects loss
  • How anxiety and avoidance can be protective, not resistant
  • Why success isn’t neutral to the nervous system
  • And how safety, not pressure, is what allows movement to return

If you’ve ever felt capable but stalled… ready but tense… motivated yet unable to move cleanly,  this episode will help you understand what your system is responding to, and why.

No fixing.
No forcing.
Just clarity about what’s actually happening beneath the surface.

🌿 Free Gift for My Listeners:
If you’ve been feeling stuck, overthinking, or ready for a calmer, more confident way to grow — I have a free masterclass for you.

It’s called “How to Reset Your Biology for Calm, Confident Success — Even If You’ve Faced Setbacks.”

You’ll learn how to release survival stress, regulate your nervous system, and grow from safety, not struggle.

🎁 Watch it free here → www.amenkaur.com/masterclass

Because you can only grow as far as your body feels safe to go — and it’s time to start again from calm, clarity, and connection. 🌸

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🧠 Best For: Transformation, Empowerment, self-help, confidence, mindset, healing, identity transformation, psychology-based growth, neurobiology, success without burnout.

⚖️ Disclaimer

This podcast is for educational purposes only and does not replace professional advice.

If engaging in guided practices, ensure you’re in a safe, grounded space.
By listening, you accept full responsibility for how you use this information.

SPEAKER_00:

You don't doubt your ability. You know you're capable, really. And you know you're competent at what you do. You know you can figure things out. In fact, you're probably really good at your work. People may even come to you for advice, for support, for leadership because you're solid, you're sound. And maybe you really care. But have you noticed something? There's often a moment right about the time you're about to move forward for yourself so that you can gain something you really want. Where your body starts to tighten. It might happen when you're thinking about starting something new, maybe expanding what you've already built, or maybe starting something on your own instead of working for someone or supporting other people. Maybe it's about stepping into more visibility and allowing yourself to be acknowledged and finally doing something on your own terms. And what's confusing about this is that it's not because you think you'll fail, because a lot of people think, oh, it must be I'm afraid of failure. There is a part of you that knows you can succeed based on what you're capable of and what you've achieved already. You know you could create something meaningful. You know you could build a solid business or change a direction or claim more space in your life and be recognized for who you truly are. But still, something is holding you back. And it's not your thinking because to be fair, your thinking is clear, you know what you want to do. It's actually in your body. And this is the part most people miss, and I did as well. Your system may have learned, as in your body system, may have learned that when things start working, or when something is starting to get good, or when you're going to become visible, something maybe gets taken away from you. Maybe there's some sort of loss. Maybe you get punished in some way, or you lose belonging, or you are given responsibility, and it feels overwhelming. Maybe that you've seen someone have responsibility, and then it was all taken away, and it was really hard. And so now, before you even begin, there's like a split. Your mind is preparing for success. Like, this is what I've got to do, and you're more than capable, but your body, your body is preparing for the loss, the loss based on past experiences, or maybe even past trauma or generational trauma. And I want you to really slow down with that. Because if you recognize this, I just want you to know that you're not behind and you're not broken. And sometimes we really judge ourselves in this phase. What you're doing is you're standing a very important threshold in your life, and you're further ahead than you know. Here's what helps this make sense. Loss isn't something we process only with the mind, okay? This is research. Science helps us make sense of the things that are happening with our bodies sometimes. It's something that the body has learned. Loss isn't just something you've experienced psychologically, it's something that your body's experienced as well. And research on grief, loss, trauma, and neurobiology in terms of how your brain works through loss, shows that loss is encoded physiologically in the nervous system. Not just stored in a memory or a story or in your thoughts. So you should be just able to tell yourself this is what I want and feel motivated to do it. Because motivation is something that you feel in your body as well. And if your body isn't responding, and instead it's responding with, say, maybe like a bit of tension, you can feel it in your chest or your neck or maybe your stomach, and there's a little bit of anxiety or hesitation or exhaustion, like you think about it, you're thinking, thinking, thinking, and you're looking at what other people are doing, but you're not taking action. Your nervous system isn't listening to the words because that's how it doesn't experience words. It's listened to your history, to your experiences of the past. And for so many people, success hasn't been neutral. You know, it's success historically has been followed by more demand, more expectation, more responsibility, that isn't fair, less space for you to be able to regulate, less safety, feeling more exposed, and feeling less of yourself. Hence, that's why so many people talk about the golden handcuffs, where you've achieved something and you've invested so much into it that you don't want to let it go because even though it might be now more demanding, more expectations, and you're losing yourself, but actually you don't want to lose what you've achieved because it feels like you've lost everything, because you're identifying with it now. Sometimes what that can look like is that you've got a really demanding boss, or sometimes it's like a career that has led to burnout, and you're just absolutely exhausted, and you don't really even enjoy the job, and you're not motivated like you used to be. Sometimes it's money that has brought fear, pressure, or collapse. So, for instance, associating having a beautiful home with being in a toxic relationship, your body has now experienced, okay, having wealth, there's also pressure and abuse or fear and collapse. You see, sometimes it could be even visibility. Being seen, being heard, has then led to judgment, competition, or being targeted. And now, if you want to start, say, a podcast or you want to start doing social media, there's a part of you that keeps saying, no, I don't want to, and I'm not doing well at it, so I don't want to keep putting things out. And for so many people, especially who have experienced things like toxic relationships or other type of restriction in their life, where you weren't allowed to really truly be yourself. Growth required self-betrayal. And if you tried to become more of yourself, you were devalued or told that you'll never amount to something. Or if you shined, someone else dimmed you. So you didn't really believe in yourself in the way you really want to now. If you grew, you lost safety, belonging, or autonomy. Or if you really wanted to be yourself, it meant that you had to almost deny yourself. So your nervous system has learned a sequence. It's not meaning, it's not intention, it's like a sequence. Like if I grow and I get success, that ends up in loss. So it has this pattern, it understands that sequence. So now she or he wants to grow and be visible and start their own business. Oh, well, that growth could lead to success because you're competent, but then you'll lose it. You'll have some sort of loss and there'll be some pain. And then the body remembers that sequence far more deeply than any stories. And there's so much more research on this, and there's this incredible book called The Body Keeps the Score, where you can see how no matter what you're thinking, your body is doing something different. Think about touching a hot stove. If you've burnt yourself once, your body doesn't wait for logic next time, even if the stove is off and your hand is approaching cautiously. Not because you're weak, you know, it's because, okay, I'm gonna be really careful touching this, and I just need to check, is it cool down yet? And in the same way, your body may not be asking, is this good for me long term? It might be asking, okay, we've got to be really cautious here. Is this even safe? Because, hey, we gotta slow this down and maybe not even do it. Is this the beginning of the same ending that we're gonna end up with? Because it's more aware of your patterns than you might be consciously. Your body is, that is. So when anxiety shows up even before you've taken a step and it doesn't make sense in your mind, that's not resistance. Your body is predicting something and saying, Hey, last time you tried to do something like this, something happened where it was painful, and I'm trying to protect you from repeating the pain. So it's like your body is like talking to you and saying, hey, you're doing this, and actually there's some fear around this. So it's time to slow down and think, okay, why would my body be feeling a type of fear around this? So let me be really clear about this. There's nothing wrong with your motivation. So many people think, oh, I need to be more motivated, and they get frustrated with themselves. There's nothing wrong with your discipline, especially if you're someone that is competent. You've already proved it, but in a different environment. And this is not self-sabotage because you're flawed in some way and you should feel bad or feel ashamed of yourself because you have these self-sabotage kind of systems in play. This is your body has learned something. It's like your body is saying, Hey, I've learned a pattern that you might not be consciously aware of. Like growth costs something. Every time I push myself, it costs something. And it's not about ignoring those patterns, it's actually helping your body align with what it is that you want to do. And it starts with actually getting really real with your past patterns that your body is aware of. Your experiences actually matter hugely. Even the ones that you don't consciously think about anymore. Losses that you've had, or pain that you've experienced, or moments where you've built something and then someone comes along and takes that away from you, or times that you were rewarded for something. Maybe you won an award or something, and then you were punished by someone because they were jealous or competitive towards you. And all of those shapes the nervous system. It makes connections that we might not even consciously make. For instance, if you meet someone and your body is saying, you know what, I don't really want to tell them that I'm achieving or I'm doing well, or it feels like scared after you've said something, it's because it knows that that maybe they're gonna punish you in some way that you don't haven't consciously realized. All of that shapes the nervous system. And sometimes that learning even didn't start with you. There's research that shows that stress and trauma can be passed down through generations. This is really key. Just imagine when your mother was a baby in your grandmother's womb. You, a part of you, was actually in your grandmother's womb as well. And it experienced what your mother experienced in the womb. Our body can inherit expectations around safety, visibility, and survival from our grandparents, and this is for men and women. So just think back: what did your grandmother feel about your visibility or you starting a business or you being on social media? And if you can feel the fear in your body and it doesn't match your current life, it might be matching an older world where your grandmother might have felt, hey, this is not safe to be seen. This is not safe to have a business, or maybe it's not safe to not be in a relationship. It could be that as a woman, you might feel it's maybe I shouldn't build a business. This is something that men do. I know it sounds crazy in today's world, but it isn't crazy in, say, your grandmother's world. So your body might be reacting as though you're broken. It means that your system is loyal to your safety. Now, here's the part that usually creates frustration. When we notice this hesitation, we try to override it. And I know this very well. We push, we convince, we power through, and I did that for so many years. But insight alone doesn't retrain the nervous system. This is really frustrating. Because you could know everything intellectually, you could read all the books, you could listen to all the podcasts, and you might read all the papers, but still feel stuck. You know the knowledge, but you're not living it. Willpower often increases threat when the body already expects loss. You see, it teaches the system that growth requires overriding safety. Yeah? It's like I have to push through. It doesn't matter how I feel. And what happens over time is the body stops arguing. It goes, okay, you're not gonna listen to me. I'm trying to tell you that you don't feel safe doing this. So instead, what it's gonna do is opt for a different preventing you from doing what it is that you want. It goes, okay, I'm gonna numb you by maybe eating loads, doing a lot of online shopping or scrolling or watching things that you don't really, you're not that interested in. I'm gonna distract you maybe with someone else's problems and get you to help them and not worry about yourself. It lowers your aim by saying, hey, you need to learn more, you need more time to do this. The truth is you learn through doing as well, but it's safely. Not because it wants less. Your body doesn't want to hold you back, but it wants you to stay alive, it wants you to feel safe. Its thing is to keep you safe. That's why sometimes we keep looping, we work hard, and then we come into a crash where we might do something that's self-sabotage our success. So let me name this cleanly. What's happening isn't that you're afraid to grow. You want to grow. You're part of nature, you're a part of life. You want to grow just like a plant wants to grow, it reaches for the sun. Your body is bracing for loss before it happens, though. It's like a tree getting rid of all its leaves, but it's summer. It's just bracing for loss before it happens. So once you see this, it will make so much sense. If you can start noticing when you're trying to move forward, is there hesitation in your body? The anxiety, the feeling of dragging yourself around, maybe. Or maybe you feel like this confusion, but it's not really confusion. And it's not failure. It's your system asking one question over and over again. Is this gonna cost me something again? So here's the real inquiry. Not as a mindset exercise, but one that you can feel throughout your day. Just notice today. Notice what your body is preparing you for. Are you constantly preparing for loss in some way? Like people are gonna take things away from me, or judgment, whatever it is, not what you're thinking about. Those thoughts might come after, like through imagination, but what you're bracing for, like your body is bracing for, are you bracing for like loss or are you bracing for growth? And if the answer is loss, it doesn't mean you have to stop. It just means that safety hasn't been installed in your body yet. And this is where the shift can happen for you. What your body needs isn't more courage, you're probably already hugely courageous. It already has that. It needs evidence. Evidence that growth won't cost you, that expansion doesn't require collapse, that success won't mean self-abandonment or self-betrayal. Safety has to come before capacity, before growth. And when safety becomes the pattern, movement returns on its own. You'll get your motivation back, you'll get your life force back. You're not then forcing yourself, you're not dragging yourself, then you get into this quiet, creative, knowing alignment. I am gonna do this and it's gonna happen. And it just starts to happen. You wake up in the morning, you leap out of bed, and you're like, yes, this is what I want to do. My life has meaning again. And if this feels like something you can't stabilize alone and you've tried, that's not failure. That's the kind of retraining that happens over time. We have to retrain over time, like inside safe containers, safe spaces. And I've created one, and if and when you're ready, then please go ahead and download this free masterclass so that you can start creating and retraining yourself for success. But for now, just notice what is your body preparing for you today? Loss or growth? And then if you after today realize, hey, there is something I want to release, and I want to have a space where I can do that, where I can retrain my body, my brain, my nervous system, and maybe some of your thinking patterns and your emotions. Then come back to this podcast and have a look in the show notes and then download that masterclass, that free masterclass for you. Because when loss is no longer assumed, growth stops feeling like a threat. Instead, you feel safe to grow because that's your natural way. And life feels like it's opening up again. It's like you're ready to blossom. You can live the life that you're meant to, that you know you're meant to. Sending you so much love. Till next time.