The Unseen Mental Load of the Holidays

#163 The Unseen Mental Load of the Holidays

The unseen mental load = all the behind-the-scenes thinking, planning, and worrying that goes into running a household—especially during the holidays.

Most of this unseen mental load falls on the shoulders of women, and this can lead to stress, overwhelm, burn-out, and resentment. It is easy to feel isolated and unappreciated when you are the one taking on the unseen mental load. 

It doesn’t have to be this way. There is a different way to handle the holidays, and this episode will give you 4 things you can focus on instead. 

If you have difficult family members, or a difficult situation going on in your family right now, it’s easy to be anxious about what might happen when you all get together. That anxiety overtake you and your peace during the holidays. 

I’ve used this guide, and the process I walk you through and it has really helped me to feel more in charge of myself and my emotions. I feel more confident in myself and more forgiving of others and myself when I use it. 

This guide will be your holiday lifesaver. 

The 3-Step Solution to Keeping Your Cool Around Family Holiday Drama

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD

Tina Gosney is the Family Conflict Coach. She works with mothers and parents who are experiencing difficult relationships with their adult children, and they want to work on creating more authentic connected families.
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Tina is certified in family relationships and a trauma informed coach.
Visit tinagosney.com for more information on coaching services.

Transcript

Tina Gosney: 0:00

Tina, welcome to the coaching your family relationships podcast. I'm your host, Tina Gosney, the family conflict coach. This is where we talk about how messy our family relationships can be. I'm so glad you're here with me before we get into today's episode, I want to remind you that I have a free download for you, the three step solution to keeping your cool during family holiday drama. So if you're feeling frazzled, overwhelmed, stressed, resentful, exhausted, or if you're not there yet, but you know you will be this guide is for you. You don't have to have that experience this year. You don't have to let other things and other people throw you off of how you want to feel. When I started using this process, I started feeling a lot more confident in myself. I had a plan going into things, whether it was in my own home or somebody else's home. I was just more confident that no matter what what came up, I could handle it, and I started being nicer to myself and to other people. So if this is something that you need, I want you to go click that link in the show notes. This guide will be available for just a few more weeks, and then it's going away. Today, we're going to dive into a topic that hits so close to home for so many women, especially during the holiday season. Now I don't want to really discount that maybe this is partly men too, but mainly women. I'm going to talk to women, but if you are the man, and you are the one that does this, that is handles this type of things during the holidays. Then I'm talking to you too, even though I might not say men and women. So just so you know, we're talking about the unseen mental load of the holidays. What is unseen mental load? Well, it's all the things that happen behind the scenes, things that need to get done. Some of these things aren't so behind the scenes, but there's parts of them that are behind the scenes. Let's just start going through what some of this unseen mental load looks like. In the shopping there's actually shopping, right? You have to shop, but you're coming up with unique, thoughtful presence year after year. And then you have to find the time to go and search them on the Internet or go find them at the store or to make them and then there's not just shopping for presents, but there's shopping for, you know, special events, like special clothes or costumes from different events and recitals and performances and parties. And there's not just your special clothes that you have to find. It's yours and your spouse and your child, and you have to find all of that. And then let's just talk about the cooking and the baking. There's parties, lots and lots of parties, lots of get togethers. Then you have to bring something to all of them, maybe something the parties that sometimes the party is at your house, and then the bulk of the cooking falls on you. Maybe you're taking something to a friend's house to their party. Maybe you have to send something with your child to school, or you have to bring something to the church social. Maybe there's so much baking and cooking to be done that you don't even know right now. How much is you're gonna have to do? I'm recording this episode right after Thanksgiving, and every year I am amazed at how long it takes to cook that meal. One meal takes eight hours and hours in the kitchen. But then, you know, when we come upon not just Thanksgiving, but Christmas and the holiday season, it's not just the cooking and the baking that you are taking somewhere or having for parties, but there's the recipes that your family expects you to make every year, because it's a tradition. You have to do it whether or not you want to keep that tradition going. Other people are not going to let you let it go, and sometimes you're just not mentally wanting to keep that tradition going, but you have to do it, because it's a tradition. And then there's the traveling, right? Maybe you're traveling out of town, there's going to be a lot of traffic on the road, a lot of cars on the road, even not traveling out of town, but just traveling around town, there's a lot of cars on the road. It takes twice as long right now to get anywhere, but if you're traveling out of town, there's gonna be more cars on the road. Maybe you're flying. Prepare for crowded airports and the stress that that brings maybe you're not traveling, but someone is traveling and staying at your house, you have to get your house ready. Your house needs to be cleaned, and not only does it need to be cleaned, but you need to get that room ready that you don't have anybody sleep in, or you gotta prepare a space for them, and maybe a room that you use for something else is not even a bed. Room, so you got to clear stuff out of that room. And because somebody's staying at your house, we're going to add in more shopping and more cooking as well. And maybe you have college age kids who are coming home from college. Are you making their travel plans? Are you trying to help them figure that out? And there's so much that goes into the traveling part that we don't usually think of. What about the budgeting issues? How do you add in buying gifts for an already stretched budget that can be really, really stressful? Do you and your spouse agree on how much money to spend on the holidays. Do you or your spouse ignore the budget because it's Hey, it's the holidays. Why don't we? We should spend more, right? That can lead to a lot of stress and a lot of strain on the relationship, as well as the budget. Then there's childcare, especially if you have little kids, you're trying to take care of them while you're doing the shopping, the cooking, the making and prepping for travel. You're trying to take care of them at the family event, at the church event, at the whatever event, the recital or or or whatever it is that you're going to and then let's just throw in less sleep someone not liking what you've planned, what you bought them, what you baked keeping the peace, Managing misunderstandings and having your own expectations that go unmet. So let's face it, the holidays are a lot, and they're supposed to be this, you know, really happy time where you're full of joy and and peace and connection, but for many women, they come with this overwhelming sense of responsibility. You're the one that's carrying the bulk of that mental load, and it is mainly unseen and often unappreciated. If you're listening today, you might feel like no one else notices the amount of work that you're doing. Maybe you're even feeling unappreciated and resentful, and let's be honest, those feelings, they can spill over into your family relationships. You might find yourself snapping at your partner, getting frustrated with your kids because you're caring too much. So let's dive deeper into this idea of the unseen mental load. Like I said this concept refers to all the behind the scenes, thinking, planning and worrying that goes into running a household, especially during the holidays. So here's an example. Let's say your family is hosting a holiday dinner. On the surface, what other people can see? You know, you're prepping a meal. You're preparing a meal. What's going on underneath that? Well, you're coordinating. If people are the other people are bringing things, you're coordinating who brings what. You have to make sure that you have everyone's favorite dishes. You know, don't forget those traditional ones. You have to be aware of anybody's dietary restrictions. You have to keep track of everything time everything perfectly so that it's all ready at the same time, and you have to shop for all that stuff beforehand. That's just one small aspect of the holiday, and this constant mental juggling really takes a toll. It can leave you feeling drained, irritable, unappreciated, and because so much of this work is invisible, it often will go unnoticed by the people around you. Your family doesn't even realize the weight that you're carrying, and that can really feel isolating. And if we're not dealing with it in a healthy way, it can lead to resentment. You might find yourself, you know, snapping a comment to your spouse or like, Hey, are you going to do anything around here? Or, I guess you can go have fun. I'll just be here clean in the kitchen. You go off and do what you want to do. How does that go over? When you do stuff like that when you're overwhelmed and you're stressed, it's easy for really small issues to escalate into bigger arguments. In your mind, it might feel like those moments are like, I'm not being supported, I am not appreciated, and it can lead to a lot of tension and hurt feelings. Can also lead to this cycle of miscommunication. Sometimes we just assume that our family should just know what needs to be done. Like, can't you just look around? Don't you see that this needs to be done and that needs to be done? Why do you have to come and ask? Me, or why do I even have to ask you? Why don't you just get up and do it? And they don't, and then you feel let down. Meanwhile, they don't understand why you're so upset, because they don't see everything that you're doing behind the scenes, and they're really used to you doing everything, because that's what you've done in the past. So you set up this expectation for them that they don't have to help. I want you to imagine that you're on an airplane just, you know, sitting down boarding, and everybody gets on board, and that flight attendant says what you've heard 1000 times. And she says, if the cabin loses pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Put on your own mask first before helping others. Okay, have you ever been on a flight where those oxygen masks really drop from the ceiling? I, for one, have not. I've personally not experienced that. I know that some of you listening have, but I tried to imagine if that I was really in that situation. I'm really on a flight. I'm traveling with my family, especially when they were younger. I know I would have done this. I would have really, really just gut reaction, put their oxygen mask on before mine, I would want to put theirs on, and I probably would not even think about putting my own on. And maybe you would too. Maybe you would first your first thing that you would think of is I need to make sure my kid is safe. I need to make sure my spouse is safe. You would sacrifice your life for your kids. And so many of us keep doing the same thing when they get older. We put their needs before ours, even when they are capable of taking care of themselves. But I want you to think about this. Let's think through it a little bit more. You're on the airplane and you are making sure that everybody else has their mask on, they're all getting oxygen, they're safe. And you've spent so much time doing that you didn't put on yours. What's going to happen? You are going to pass out. You are going to end up in the on the floor, in the aisle. People are going to be stepping on you, and then they're going to have to attend to you, because you are the problem. I know you don't want to be the problem when you let the unseen mental load of life, and not even just during the holidays, but all time, when you let that run you, and you are not securing your own oxygen mask, and you are not making sure that you have the capacity to do all these things up to your standard or what you think other people expect of you, you're going to end up in the aisle one way or another. Now you might not literally pass out. We're not going to take that totally off the table, because it is possible, but you might not. This is what it might look like for you to get really short with people. Maybe you're going to start grabbing food that isn't healthy, but it's fast and easy, and you're not fueling your body in a way with nutrition that it really needs. Maybe you're cutting out exercise because you just don't have time. Maybe you're fighting with your spouse over money, instead of finding a way to come to an agreement, when you feel like you have to do it all and you have to manage every detail and ensure that everyone else is happy, but you are running on empty. Can you give your best to your family? No taking care of yourself is like putting on that oxygen mask. It allows you to stay present, to be resilient, and to be capable of handling the challenges that come your way. But what if you don't? What if you just keep doing it the way you've been doing it, and you're not putting on your oxygen mask, but you letting everybody else get theirs first. If you don't address that mental load, it can have some serious consequences for you and your family. You're going to risk burnout when you are constantly running on empty. You're more likely to experience physical exhaustion and emotional exhaustion, you might find yourself dreading the Holidays instead of looking forward to them, and over time, give that a few years, you're going to get better and even depressed the holidays. Depression is a big thing during the holidays. This also can stress and strain your relationships, when you are overwhelmed, it's much harder to be patient and present with your people you love. Small disagreements can escalate into big conflicts. Everything that's supposed to be happening during the holidays, like happiness and joy and excitement, it gets overshadowed by. Attention, and then other people feel like they're walking on eggshells around you. And then your kids might pick up on the stress, and they start feeling guilty or anxious because you're feeling guilty and anxious and overwhelmed. And if this continues year after year, it can it's very possible to create a family dynamic where the holidays are more about obligation. Oh, I guess we have to do this. I have to go to that party, have to make this dish, have to buy this present. It becomes more about obligation than connection and love. So instead of building joyful memories, you're just trying to get through it, and you don't want that. Your family doesn't want that. But here's the thing, this does not have to be your reality. Y ou can break this cycle, and it starts with changing the way that you think about your role and your needs. The solution isn't to do more, get up earlier, push harder. The solution is to change the way you think about taking care of yourself. So let's go back to that oxygen mask analogy. When you take time for yourself, whether it's give yourself a rest, ask for help, simply say no to something that does not make you selfish, it makes you capable. It allows you to show up as your best self with more energy, more patience and more love to give. So here's four things that you can do to start shifting your mindset. The first one, and this is one of the biggest is to recognize the value of your well being. You are the heart of your family, whether you recognize it or not, you are the heart of your family. When you're well, your family thrives. You can't give something that you don't have. So make sure you're taking the time for things that really take care of yourself, not fake, take care of yourself. And we're going to get into that a little bit later. Here's the second thing, set some boundaries. It's okay to say no to things that drain you. And I get it if you're like, it's I can't say no. I have to say yes. I was there for so long, it's really hard for me to say no. Well, it's not as hard as it used to be, but it used to be really hard. In fact, I usually I almost never said no. I had this culture ingrained in me, this idea ingrained in me that I was supposed to say yes to everything that someone asked me to do. And so now, as I try to take back my decision of, can I handle this? Do I have the time and the energy and the capacity for this, even when I know that I don't and I say no, that is a very uncomfortable thing for me. I know prep. I know some people who don't have a problem with saying no, but I know a lot of people that do. It's something that I am working on, and maybe you need to as well. You do not always have to say yes, but when you do say no, I want you to be prepared to feel uncomfortable. But you know what? That's okay, because the kind this kind of uncomfortable. It leads to growth, not to resentment. The third thing that you need to do is delegate, ask for help. You don't have to do everything alone. Involve your family in those holiday prep, those preparations, anticipate beforehand what some of that unseen mental load is and talk about it with the family beforehand. Delegate what you can not only does it take some things off your list, but it's a great time for you to give those things to other people so they can begin practicing these skills that you are so good at and so efficient at. You want them to have a turn to practice that too. The last one is practice self compassion. And I know this is another really hard one, but I want you to be kind to yourself, and it's okay if everything isn't perfect, just take a deep breath and let that go, because life is not about being perfect, and neither are the holidays. People who know how to give themselves a break to live with some imperfection, they know how to be kind and compassionate with themselves. You know what those people do? They give that same grace to other people. They know how to be kind and compassionate with them with other people. They know how to let other people not be perfect. They know how to give other people a break. When you can do that, your relationship with other people is going to get stronger. You're going to have more connection. More safety in those relationships. The holidays are a great time to practice that, and whatever you practice you're going to get better at so if you're practicing being hard on yourself, beating yourself up, you're going to get better at that. If you practice being nice to yourself and compassionate and give yourself a break, you're going to get better at that. When you start seeing your self care as an investment in your family's well being, you're going to realize that it is one of the most loving things that you can do. Now I have anticipated some of the objections, some of the things that you are going to say as you listen to this podcast, some of these, well, actually, all of them come from first hand experience and from coaching clients when I talk about this with them. So got three main ones here. Let's go over them. The first one is it's selfish to put myself first. Yeah, that's a big one. So many women have been socialized to believe that their worth comes from how much they do for other people. Your worth does not come from how much you do for other people, and what you think it does, this idea of stepping back and focusing on your own needs can feel really wrong and selfish, especially during the holidays, a time that's about giving and selflessness and togetherness, right? So taking care of yourself is not selfish. It's strategic. When you're exhausted, you're not giving your best to your family. So when you shift your mindset to see self care as a way to show up more fully for the people you love, you can stop start to ease the guilt that you might feel. So just like that oxygen mask, you can't give somebody air that you don't have. You can't pour from an empty cup, you have to fill up yourself first before you have something to give. Here's the next thing that I think you might be saying, well, they're not going to do it right. If I delegate, they're not going to do it the right way. Yeah, they probably are not going to do it your way. For sure, you've been really good at practicing doing these things. You're really good at making things awesome. So many women feel like if they delegate tasks, they're going to end up fixing it, redoing things anyway, because they just can't live with the way that somebody did it. And that just leads us to think that if I just do it myself, it's faster and easier, even if I'm exhausting myself, it takes less time for me to do it. I want you to think of the mental load part of releasing that is accepting that things don't have to be perfect to be meaningful. Your family might not set the table just like you would. Your partner might not buy you a gift that you really like, but that's okay. Imperfection doesn't diminish the value of your holiday experience when you trust other people and you let go of some of that control that is a form of self care, and it's an opportunity for your loved ones to step up. You give them an opportunity start practicing these same same things, right, which you practice that you get better at. So give them a chance to practice. Here's the third thing that I know you're thinking, I don't have time for this. I don't have time to take care of myself. Too many things to do. I have a packed schedule. My you have not seen my to do list. I get it. I've got that same list. Believe me, it can feel impossible to carve out just a few minutes for yourself. And so many women believe that taking care of themselves is a luxury that they can't afford during such a busy season. But self care. I am not talking about going to the spa. I am not talking about taking a vacation. It can be as simple as a 10 minute walk, a 10 minute mindfulness practice in the morning, setting boundaries around what you're willing to take on. The key is to find small, consistent ways to recharge. All activities will either drain you, they'll drain your energy, or they'll build up your energy. What are the types of things that energize you? What builds up your energy? I know, what builds up mine, what builds up yours? Those are things that you want to work into your regular schedule each day, just a few minutes, those few minutes add up, they help you to feel more grounded and less reactive as you navigate this holiday stress and. Remember, reactive means you're not in charge. Your lower brain is in charge, not your higher brain. Here's my takeaway today, changing the way that you take on the mental load of the holidays is probably going to make you uncomfortable, and that's okay. There's the type of uncomfortable of keeping things the same, of sacrificing yourself, of feeling resentment and stressed and overwhelmed. And there's the type of uncomfortable that comes from doing something different and letting go of doing the things that we've talked about in this podcast. And that uncomfortable leads to growth. You're going to be uncomfortable one way or another, you get to choose your uncomfortable, and I cast zero judgment on you if you are not ready to do anything different this year, if you're choosing the uncomfortable that you know already, that you've already had so many years. If that's you, I want you to bookmark this podcast or save it somehow and come back to it, maybe in 2025 maybe 2026 you might be ready then to grab onto a new type of uncomfortable, the kind that leads to growth and change. Thanks for being here with me today. Don't forget to go and download that three step solution to keeping your cool during the family holiday drama, you don't have to be at the mercy of anyone else or anything else. You can create a plan ahead of time to have the experience that you want during the holidays. Thank you so much for being here with me, and I will see you next time you