Navigating Estrangement: How to Reconnect with Your Adult Child

Episode 169: Navigating Estrangement: How to Reconnect with Your Adult Child

In this Ask Me Anything episode, Tina Gosney, The Family Conflict Coach, answers two heartfelt questions from parents struggling with estrangement from their adult children. These relationships are complex, emotional, and often deeply rooted in family patterns that span generations. Tina shares insights from Bowen Family Systems Theory and differentiation of self to help parents navigate these challenging dynamics.

If you're dealing with a strained relationship with your adult child, feeling confused, hurt, or even resentful, this episode is for you. Learn practical strategies for managing your emotions, breaking old family patterns, and fostering connection without pressure or urgency.

In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

• Why adult children distance themselves from parents and how unresolved emotional tension plays a role.
• The impact of generational family patterns on relationships.
• How to stay emotionally grounded and avoid reactive patterns.
• The difference between enmeshment, emotional cutoff, and healthy differentiation.
• Why healing happens on your child’s timeline, not yours.
• Practical steps to rebuild trust and create a safe space for reconnection.

Timestamps:
00:05 - Welcome to Coaching Your Family Relationships podcast
00:17 - Why estrangement between parents and adult children is becoming more common
02:34 - Free guide: 5 Steps to Reconnect with Your Adult Child (Get it in the show notes!)
03:53 - Question #1: Our daughter has set strong boundaries—how do we reconnect?
06:55 - Understanding emotional cutoff and generational family patterns
07:22 - Key questions to ask yourself before reaching out
10:46 - Question #2: My son’s girlfriend “stole” him from our family—how do I handle this?
12:15 - The role of differentiation in family relationships
15:33 - The power of small, pressure-free interactions in rebuilding trust
17:23 - Shifting your mindset: Why healing starts with YOU

Resources & Free Guide:
🎁 Download the Free Guide: 5 Steps to Reconnect with Your Adult Child
➡️ Click here to download

Subscribe & Review:
If you found this episode helpful, please subscribe and leave a review! Your support helps more parents find guidance and hope for healing their family relationships.

Connect with Tina:
🌎 Website: www.tinagosney.com

Tina Gosney is the Family Conflict Coach. She helps her clients move past contention in their homes and move into connection. Developing healthy family relationships can change lives.
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Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tinagosneycoaching

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Tina is certified in family relationships and a trauma informed coach.
Visit tinagosney.com for more information on coaching services.

Transcript

0:05

Welcome to Your Family Relationships podcast. I'm your host, Tina Gosney, the family conflict coach. This is where we talk about how messy our family relationships can be, and I'm so glad that you're here with me. We're doing an Ask Me Anything episode today, we've got two questions, two really great questions, and it's been a little while since I've done one of these episodes. So I thought this is the time, this is the time to do that. And I chose these two questions because they are both dealing with parents and adult children. And these adult children distancing themselves from their parents. Isn't this becoming so much more common these days? Or maybe we're just hearing about it more with the technology and the information age that we're in, how we can be so connected and hear so many other people's stories, that we're seeing more distancing from adult children from their parents. And you know, those are just tricky relationships to navigate. Sometimes we don't even know why kids are distancing themselves from us, and you're going to see that in these questions today. And for sure, there's a lot of guilt, a lot of confusion, sometimes even anger. And here's what I know more than anything, I know that there are so many parents out there with these big, giant, loving hearts that want the best for their children, no matter how old those children are, and no matter what those children's situation is in their lives right now, and I also know that those parents do not know how to move past their relationship patterns that they've been using their entire lives, probably not just their entire lives, but they're inheriting those relationship patterns through generations, because we will repeat over generations, the same patterns, and those are really hard to see. It's hard for us to see when it becomes the air that we breathe, the water that we swim in, the environment that we grow up in, it just seems like that's just the way that it is. So when you have been using these patterns, and you've seen the people in your life use these patterns, and they're not working for you anymore. It's easier to start seeing them. It doesn't mean that they're easier to break, but we become more willing to start looking to do something different, and that's what these parents are asking in today's questions. Before I get into the questions for today, I want to remind you that I have a free guide for you, five steps to reconnect with your adult child. This is a great place to start the healing, start gaining some understanding, start breaking those generational patterns. And this is not about how do I get my kid to change or they have a problem? Tell me how to fix them. This is not what this is. This is not about assigning blame. It's not giving responsibility to one person over another. It's really about moving past the autopilot reactions that we all have and to begin being aware of what we're doing, to be responding instead of reacting, so that we might really see each other, and we might really hear what the other person is saying and see what they really want us to see, so that we can begin to understand each other past our differences. There's a link in the show notes. I want you to go there if you haven't already. There's been quite a few downloads on this PDF. If you haven't done it yet, then go click that link in the show notes. You'll be so glad that you did okay.

Here is question number one: 3:53

"How can we repair a strained relationship with our 28 year old daughter who has been distant for several years and recently set strong boundaries around contact. We don't fully understand the reasons for the estrangement, but we know that she and her brother are queer, and we have embraced both of them, letting them know how much we value and love them in our family. I don't think this is the main reason for the distance, but we don't know for sure. We're out of the country serving a mission for our church, and I think that she might be upset about this, but again, I'm not sure we want to respect her and her wishes while being true to ourselves. How can we navigate the situation with clarity and understanding and understanding what we need to take responsibility for, what we need to let go of and what might be possible in rebuilding our connection." Can you just feel the heartbreak in this parents question here so much hurt and so much desire for something different. So this is what i. Have to tell you, is that anxiety rises within a family when members respond in patterned ways. And what you're describing is is some anxiety that you have in yourself, some anxiety that your daughter has. And we manage these these anxieties by creating different things, different patterns in our family. Sometimes we get over involved. We get enmeshed. Sometimes we call that co-dependent. Sometimes we will do the cut off, the emotional cut off distancing or estrangement. It sounds like in your case, your daughter has chosen this way to manage something that she's processing, and we don't know if it's related to family dynamics, whether it has to do with her personal identity and her trying to figure herself out, or some other life experience. We just don't have enough information. But it's natural to want to know why, why this estrangement is happening in most cases, estrangement is not caused by one event. It's the result of tension, unresolved emotional tension that builds up over time. And it might seem sometimes like there's one thing that happened, and how can they just overreact to this one thing? But I want you to think of them as like. Every time something happens and it's unresolved, they just move closer and closer to like. Picture a cliff, moving closer and closer to a cliff, and it's that one thing that tips them to falling over that cliff to say, I can't do this anymore. I'm done. I don't know if that's what happened with your daughter, but it could. It happens quite often that it's that one last it's like the final straw. It wasn't the one thing. It was everything that built up over time to that one thing. When you have a differentiation of self, this means you have the ability to stay emotionally connected while maintaining your own sense of calm and clarity and knowing yourself, and this is what you're wanting, and this applies to this situation, so I want you to own your part. It doesn't mean you have to overly apologize or overly explain. It's great that you're really opening to exploring your role, because many parents are not. But instead of trying to guess what went wrong, I want you to just think about these things instead. Have there been moments when your reactions may have been guided by your anxieties, your fears, or maybe even an old family pattern? Are there unspoken expectations about how a family should function that may not align with what she needs right now? And here's the final question, if your role as a missionary is playing a part here. How might your world view have shaped family conversations in a way that she is processing right now? Now, your goal is to not over apologize for things that you don't fully understand, but being open to owning what's yours and then releasing what isn't you might really need to let go of the need to know for sure what happened, and to get a full explanation of why she has distanced herself. And part of your emotional work is to make peace with that, focusing on what's possible and finding peace is a great mindset to move forward. Since there's been a shift in communication, this is an opportunity to foster some low pressure, non anxious connection, so match what she's comfortable with, if she's only comfortable with the occasional text. Let that be enough for now and avoid processing the past too soon. So instead of just trying to fix everything and make everything better, and let's come to a resolution on this, I want you to focus on small, positive interactions that build safety for her and that build the trust back into the relationship, and then let her set the boundaries if she's willing to see the family as a group instead of one on one relationships, that's okay. It may evolve over time. Rebuilding trust is not about getting back to how things were. It's about creating new, more authentic connection, and that requires for you to really manage your own emotions so that you're not projecting anxiety or urgency on her. It requires you to recognize that you. Her distance may be about her own emotional work, not just about you, and then I want you to be a stable, non reactive presence so she feels safe coming closer when she is ready. Healing is going to happen at her pace, not yours, but the more you focus on your own differentiation by staying calm, being self aware and accepting the more likely she is to sense that your family is a safe place to return to. So make sure you keep that door open without expectations, and let that relationship manage itself and unfold in its own time.

Question number two: 10:46

"How can I rebuild a relationship with my son, who has become distant ever since he got his first girlfriend. They've been together for several years now, but as soon as they started a relationship, she stole him away from our family. She will limit how, when and how long he can have contact with us, and over time, that has become extremely limited. How do I manage my own emotions, including resentment and grief, so I can approach this situation with an open heart? How can I navigate a relationship when there's so little communication? We get the occasional text every now and then, but that's it." If you're a parent with adult kids, you're probably really feeling for this parent as well. The situation, I think, is best understood through that same lens of family systems dynamics. This is differentiation of self and Bowen family systems theory and this teaches us that families operate as units, not just a bunch of people that live next to each other, we are emotional units, anxiety relationship patterns. They get passed down through generations. So when anxiety is high, members of the family might react in extreme ways, like enmeshment over involvement,or they might just cut off emotionally and completely disconnect. Your son's distancing from the family can be thought of as a form of an emotional cutoff, right? And that that's often what happens when a person struggles to manage their own emotions, when the emotional intensity of your family is too high for them to manage, so rather than working through those difficult emotions and being affected by everybody else's anxieties and emotions, they just escape. They just sever ties. It just this does not mean that he doesn't care. It might mean that he just feels overwhelmed that he doesn't have the tools to handle the complexity of his balancing his relationship with his family and with his girlfriend, his relationship with his girlfriend may have may be providing him with this sense of security, even if that security came at the cost of cutting off his family of his past connections, she might also have a history In her family and in her life of estrangement, and so together, they might be having this shared bond of, you know, it's us against the world mentality. And so this isn't about blame. It's just about recognizing these emotional patterns at play that are really deep ingrained into us and differentiation of self. Remember, this is the ability to stay connected to others while maintaining your own sense of self, and that means regulating your own emotions so so they don't drive and control your reactions engaging in connection without trying to change him or fix him and then giving yourself some space, a lot of space to you to have your own grief and to have your own frustration, while not allowing those emotions to dictate how you interact with him. So instead of seeing his partner as the one that stole him. I want you to try reframing this perspective. He made a choice, and that choice may have been a response to some emotional dynamics that he felt in his family. This does not mean your family did something wrong. It simply means he was managing his own emotional world in the best way that he knew. How I want you to look at his re entry into that communication with you. Remember, just even if it's just through texting, avoiding, you know, deep personal topics, just take that as there's this sign that he's testing the waters and. It may feel really unsatisfying to you to have him just reach out every once in a while, or be super brief or super simple and not letting you into his world. It might be very unsatisfying, but look at it in a different way, it's a step that he's taking towards rebuilding trust. So here's how to approach it. Just meet him where he is. If texting is the only option, then embrace it. Keep your interactions light. Positive pressure free. Resist the urge to push for more. Do not ask him why he left. When he's going to visit, whether his girlfriend knows if he's reaching out instead, focus on the connection over the content, and then you this is your job to stay emotionally steady, because if he senses your anxiety or your emotional pool to need something from him, he's probably going to retreat again. Show him that you are a safe, calm, steady presence. I think one of your biggest challenges is your resentment towards his girlfriend. If you hold on to that belief that she stole him, your interactions will carry that emotional charge. It's going to carry that emotional energy, even if you don't say anything about it, it's going to carry that with your interactions. So instead of seeing her as an enemy, recognize that she is playing a role in his emotional journey, that he feels like he needs that right now, and accept that if you want a relationship with Him, you're going to have to make space for her in some capacity, even if that is only in your own mind at first, and then focus on your relationship with him, not your feelings about her when you work on rebuilding this trust, think about long term. Think about years, not months, not weeks, not days, thinking years. The goal is not immediate restoration. It's creating a foundation where that reconnection can grow over time. So if you remain steady, non reactive and open, he's going to feel that safety, and eventually, maybe he might expand that relationship beyond texting. The most powerful shift that you can make is to focus on your own differentiation, because if you think about it, that's all you really have control over anyway, is how you respond to the things and the people and the relationships that you have in your life. So stay emotionally grounded, manage your own expectations. Approach this relationship with curiosity, not anger and resentment, because healing begins from the inside out. It begins with you. The more you model emotional strength and openness, the more your son will feel safe enough to move towards you and possibly reconnect with you. Okay, those are our two questions today. I hope that you've gained some insight through my answers to those questions. And I think when we share our our difficulties with other people, we can learn so much, and we feel like we're not alone. Because I know that the it's very likely that the parents in this these two questions, even though they didn't say so, it's a very likely that they feel they're the they might be the only family that's experiencing these kind of things. But we are not alone. There's always someone who has a similar experience to us, and even though the details might be different, the feelings are so often the same. So thank you for being here today. I don't want you to forget to download your copy of the five steps to reconnecting with your adult child. It's a PDF pretty fast to complete, although I think it requires some reflection and some real introspection, which is where we make progress anyway. So there's a link in the show notes. Go there, click the link, download your free copy, and I'll see you next time you.