How to Stop Walking on Eggshells and Create a Healthier Relationship

Episode 174: How to Stop Walking on Eggshells and Create a Healthier Relationship 

If you have ever felt like you are walking on eggshells around your adult child—constantly giving but not receiving respect in return—you are not alone. Setting boundaries is one of the most common struggles parents face, but many misunderstand what boundaries actually are. Boundaries are not about controlling your child or shutting them out; they are about creating a healthier, more balanced relationship based on mutual respect. 

In this episode, we explore: 

• What boundaries really are and what they are not
• How to communicate your boundaries with clarity and kindness
• Why setting boundaries may feel uncomfortable at first, but is essential for a stronger relationship
• Real-life examples of how to set and maintain boundaries in everyday situations
• The difference between boundaries, rules, and enmeshment, and why understanding these distinctions changes the way you relate to your child

By the end of this episode, you will have a clearer understanding of how to set effective, loving boundaries without guilt, anxiety, or fear of disconnection. 

If you are ready to take this work deeper, join my free class, Heal Your Relationship with Your Adult Child Without Guilt, Anxiety, or Walking on Eggshells.

Join the Free Class: Heal Your Relationship with Your Adult Child

In this class, we will take a deeper look at the patterns that are keeping you stuck and how to start making real, lasting changes.

Registration is open now. Click here to sign up.

Host and Show Information:

Host: Tina Gosney, The Family Conflict Coach
About: Helping mothers navigate difficult relationships with their adult children
Website: tinagosney.com
 

If you found this episode helpful, share it with a friend who could benefit from it. Thanks for listening, and see you next time.
 

Tina Gosney is the Family Conflict Coach. She helps her clients move past contention in their homes and move into connection. Developing healthy family relationships can change lives.
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Connect with us:

Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/tinagosneycoaching/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tinagosneycoaching

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Tina is certified in family relationships and a trauma informed coach.
Visit tinagosney.com for more information on coaching services.

Transcript

Unknown: 0:01

Tina, Hey, welcome back to your family relationships podcast. I am your host, Tina Gosney, the family conflict coach. If you're a parent struggling with a difficult relationship with your adult child, you're in the right place. Now, every once in a while I check the downloads on this podcast for different episodes. I really want to see which episodes are being downloaded and which one aren't, because it helps me to know what my listeners, what you guys, are needing and wanting, and what is you're being drawn towards. It just helps me to know you know which which way am I going to go with these upcoming episodes, and I have noticed that there's one episode that has risen to the top, and actually is continuing to rise, even though I recorded it almost three years ago, and it continues to consistently get downloads even After three years, and that is episode number 39 - setting boundaries with your adult children. It's really interesting to me that that is such a popular episode. I'm wondering if this episode is popular because we feel like we have to protect ourselves from our children, and we're looking at boundaries as a way to do that, or if we're recognizing that we haven't had really great boundaries, and we're trying to figure out how to do that and how to how to repair that, and it's just becoming more apparent when our children grow up that we have to figure out how to have a different kind of relationship with them. And I really hope it's the latter and not the former, because if we're using boundaries as a protection device. It's possible that we're dealing with a person who's suffering from mental illness or something like addiction, you know, something along those lines. But if that isn't the case, and we're still trying to use them as a protection then we really need to back up and look at the relationship differently, because relationships are human growing machines. You've probably heard me say this before, but they are. They help us to grow up as humans. Our closest relationships are not supposed to always go smoothly, never be disrupted, never have conflict. They're supposed to have all of those things. It's really dependent on our own growth as to how we deal with those things, and that determines, are we able to grow because of what our what is happening, or are we staying where we are? Are we staying stuck where we are? Now, if you've been confused about what boundaries really are. I hope this episode begins to clear some of that up for you, because today, that's what we're diving into. Is one of the most common challenges that I hear from parents, especially from mothers, is setting boundaries with their adult children. And if you've ever felt like you're walking on eggshells around your child like you're giving in, or you're never getting any respect in return, or maybe you're just unsure to how, how to maintain a loving connection while standing firm in your own needs, then this episode is for you. I'm going to walk you through some of the most important things to consider when you're setting boundaries in that parent, adult child relationship. I'm going to share some real life examples that may sound very familiar to you, and by the end, I hope you'll understand why boundaries are not about control, they're about creating a healthier, more balanced relationship. And if you want to take this work deeper, I really have something special for you, and I want to tell you about my upcoming class healing your relationship with your adult child without guilt, anxiety or walking on eggshells. And we're going to take these concepts and we're going to apply them directly to your situation. So this class is just happening in a couple of days if you want to attend and it's free, attendance is free. Please don't put off getting registered, because you will get it. Even if you can't attend live, you will get a replay if but you have to be registered. So let's get started on boundaries. So number one, understand the purpose of boundaries. Boundaries boundaries are often very misunderstood. Many parents think that setting a boundary means they're cutting off their child or they're being harsh. The boundaries are not about controlling them. They are about protecting your emotional well being and creating a relationship built on mutual respect. We only set boundaries out of love for them and love for ourselves. If you're not feeling the love for both of you, then you are not ready to set a boundary. So here's an example. Let's just say your adult child will frequently call you late at night, expecting you to listen to all their problems and. You want to support them, but seriously, you need your sleep, and it's when you're all worked up because of their problems and you're stressed out, then you're staying up all night, exhausted. And so a boundary might look like this. I love hearing from you, but I can't take calls after nine o'clock. Let's talk during the day, when I can be more present. Example number two, your child is asking for financial help regularly, putting a strain on your budget. Instead of feeling guilty and just continuing to say yes and give them money when it's hurting your own finances, a boundary might be, you know, I really am not able to loan you money right now, but I'm happy to help you budget or to find resources that could help you to do that. So this solution creates clarity. It creates structure in your relationship, allowing you to give from a place of love rather than resentment. Number two, differentiate between rules and boundaries, because rules are about controlling someone else's behavior. Boundaries are about how you will respond to a situation. Boundaries don't tell the other person what to do. They help you tell the other person what you will do. So for example, you tell your child you need to visit me every Sunday. Well, that's a rule, not a boundary. Instead, a boundary might look like, I absolutely love spending time with you. I would want to see you all the time, but, but I know that's not really feasible and workable for you, so I'm going to let you decide when it works for you. Another example might look like if your child is speaking to you disrespectfully, and this is one I hear quite often, a role would be, you can't talk to me that way. A boundary is, I won't stay in a conversation where I'm being spoken to that way. I'll talk to you when we can be respectful. Understanding this distinction between rules and boundaries helps you focus on what you can control, which is your actions and your choices. Number three, communicate with clarity and respect. Many parents will either avoid setting boundaries because they're afraid of alienating their adult child, and then they wait so long to set them that they're really upset and things come across as really aggressive. So the key is to be calm and clear and kind and to not walk on eggshells and not put off of setting those boundaries. For example, instead of saying you never call about me. You don't care about me. Try this instead. I miss you, and I would love to talk more. Can we figure out a way to stay in touch that works for both of us? Another example, if you are frequently criticized by your child instead of arguing back, say something like, I want to have conversations that feel good for both of us. But if this continues, I really need to step away and talk later, when we communicate boundaries in a way that invites connection rather than conflict, that leads to healthier interactions, notice how those statements are collaborative. They don't assign blame. They're showing love for both yourself and your child. Number four, expect resistance and stay consistent. If your child is used to you being one way and showing up in the relationship one way, and then all of a sudden you begin to change the way that you're showing up, you're going to get some pushback. You should expect that. That's totally normal, but if you stay consistent, they're going to learn to respect your limits. For example, if you decide you're not going to be available for last minute babysitting anymore, the first time you say no, your child's probably going to be upset. But you stay firm, they learn, and then they learn to plan ahead instead of expecting you to drop everything for when they want you to babysit. Another example, let's just say they're pressuring you and pushing you to discuss a sensitive topic, and you do not want to discuss this topic instead of giving in, you just consistently say, you know, I'm not comfortable discussing that. Let's talk about something else instead. So boundaries require repetition and reinforcement, but over time, when you stay consistent, they lead to more respectful relationships. Number five, be aware of enmeshment and emotional triggers if you feel responsible for your child's happiness and their choices, you might be experiencing enmeshment. Boundaries help both of you develop independence. Example, your child is struggling and you feel like it's your job to fix their problems. So instead of trying to fix their problems, tell yourself, I can support and love them. I can't live their life for them. Another example, you feel super anxious when your child is upset with you. You feel like you need to over explain, try to make them happy, try to fix things and take responsibility for things that are not your responsibility to take control of. And so I want you to practice saying it's okay for them to have their feelings. I don't have to fix it. Their feelings are not my job to fix. You know, differentiation allows you to maintain a strong sense of self, even when your child is struggling. When you're in this process of breaking the enmeshment, expect for that to feel very uncomfortable. It's probably going to feel like you are creating more disconnection, especially when you're used to being really close, and when you're trying to break that it feels dangerous and threatening to the relationship. But if you're my client, or if you've listened to this podcast very long, you know that being uncomfortable is a sign that you are moving into growth, your growth, and the growth of the relationship, anytime we're changing things and showing up differently and trying to figure out a better, healthier way that's going to cause discomfort, we should just expect that. So to make progress, we have to increase our ability to handle discomfort. Here's number six. Six thing I want the sixth thing I want you to remember about boundaries is that they go both ways.Just as you set boundaries, your adult child has their right to set theirs too. Respecting their limits and boundaries fosters a stronger relationship. For example, if your child asks you to not give them unsolicited advice, instead of feeling rejected and telling them that you're their parent and that they need to listen to you, you honor their request. You wait for them to ask for your input, or you ask permission first if you want to tell them something and be okay if they say no. Example, two, your child wants space and doesn't call you as often. So instead of taking it personally, you focus on your own well being, and you trust that you have that connection and that it is there even when you don't have to communicate all the time, respecting their boundaries makes it more likely that they're going to respect yours. They are their own person, and sometimes it's hard to remember that and to let go The seventh thing to remember about boundaries follow through with what you said you were going to do, and that is not a punishment. Boundaries, without follow through, are just suggestions. You don't have to control your child, but you do need to decide how you're going to respond. For example, if they're yelling at you instead of arguing, you say, you know I'm not going to be in a conversation when I when I'm being yelled at, so I'll talk to you later, and then you follow through with that, or if they don't pay back money that they said they were going to instead of arguing and demanding that they pay it back, maybe you just decide you're not going to lend them any money in the future. Holding firm with love teaches both of you how to engage in healthier ways. So I know that setting boundaries with your adult children is not easy, but it is possible, and it can transform your relationship in really powerful ways. If you are ready to learn how to be different, to learn how to show up in a way that brings more peace and connection in your life and in your relationships, I want you to come to my upcoming class that healing your relationship with your adult child without guilt, anxiety or walking on eggshells, because in this class, we're going to dive deeper into relationships. We're going to talk about what you're doing that is not working, and we're going to talk about how to start implementing some healthier alternatives. Go to the link in the show notes to sign up and let's get started on healing your relationships.