The Emotionally Immature Things We Say (And Why They Don’t Work)

Episode 196 - The Emotionally Immature Things We Say (And Why They Don’t Work)

Have you ever walked away from a conversation with your adult child and thought, “Why did I say that?” or “That did not go how I wanted”?

In this episode, Tina dives deep into the emotionally immature things we say—often without realizing it—and why those words don’t create the connection we long for. You’ll learn how your nervous system hijacks your responses, how to notice your patterns, and how to shift toward emotional maturity and real repair.

Whether you’ve said, “I’m not perfect, you know,” or “Just get over it and move on,” this episode will help you understand what’s underneath those words—and what to say instead.

What You'll Learn:

• Why emotional immaturity isn’t about being a “bad parent”—it’s about being in protection mode
• 7 common phrases that damage connection (and what they really mean)
• How your nervous system impacts your ability to stay calm and present
• Simple shifts to move from reactivity to responsibility in conversations

Why awareness—not perfection—is the first step to healing family relationships 

Download the Free Guide:
 “The 3-Step Solution to Keeping Your Cool Around Family Holiday Drama”
 Holidays can stir up old patterns and emotions—this guide will help you stay grounded and respond with grace.

Grab your copy here: DOWNLOAD THE GUIDE

Ready to learn how to manage your emotional reactions? Calm Core is your guide:

Being able to manage your emotional reactions to others is a vital step in repairing family relationships

CLICK HERE TO SEE CALM CORE

Tina Gosney is the Family Conflict Coach. She works with parents who have families in conflict to help them become the grounded, confident leaders their family needs.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Connect with us:

Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/tinagosneycoaching/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tinagosneycoaching

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tina is certified in family relationships and a trauma informed coach.
Visit tinagosney.com for more information on coaching services.

Transcript

Tina Gosney: 0:40

Have you ever said something to your adult child and instantly felt the air, the whole air and the mood in the room changed like you knew it didn't land well, but you just weren't sure why, and you weren't sure what to do about it. I'm Tina Gosney, family conflict coach and family life educator. Today we're going to talk about some of the emotionally immature things that we say in family conversations, especially with our adult children. These things do not create the connection that we're hoping for, and if you're using some of these in conversations with anybody, including your adult children, you probably use some of these same things when you were younger and they were younger. So I'm not pointing any fingers here, because I am guilty of saying many of these things before I realized how emotionally immature they really are. So I am right there with you if you find yourself in some of these, Hey, I hear you because I have been there too. We're going to start with a little bit of tough love, though, because I want to just point out that we are really good at noticing when we feel hurt in a conversation. We notice those words that hurt us what we're not always great at noticing is when we are the one doing the hurting. If you do notice it, you notice that you hurt someone. Are you able to get that conversation back on track with a more grounded response? That is a difficult thing to do. And why is it difficult? Because when we are feeling hurt or misunderstood or any other big emotion, our nervous system gets hijacked. Our brain just flips right into protection mode, which looks like fight, flight, freeze or fun. You probably have heard of those things before. And if you haven't heard of all of them, you've probably heard at least of fight or flight from this place. When we get hijacked, we are responding from an automatic reaction. This is not our higher brain. It's our survival emotional brain that is in charge, and that's the ones doing the speaking. It's never a good idea when that brain is speaking, because it is just prioritizing survival. Our nervous system is designed to keep us alive. It is not meant to keep us connected. It's actually meant to keep us safe, and safe often means that other people are a threat. When it perceives a threat, it can be something as small as a look, an eye roll, a little bit too long of a pause between words, maybe a tone that you've heard before. These are just activating old survival patterns, and sometimes what it looks like from us is lashing out, shutting down, justifying our behavior or trying to fix things really fast. Most of us have not paused long enough to even notice, especially when we're in one of these survival responses. We don't pause long enough to notice how our response is affecting the other person. We're just moving so fast, so reactive, because we are very, very uncomfortable in our own bodies, and we want to make that feeling go away and make it stop when we start to slow down and notice what we're doing, that's when we can really open this door to real change. And I want to walk you through some phrases that I hear very often in coaching and tell you why they don't work, even though they come from a really human place and a really human response. These just don't work, and we need to try to move these out of our vocabulary. Okay? The first one is, you know, I'm not perfect. Well, this usually is said in a defensive moment. You might think that it sounds humble and that you're professing your imperfections. But that's not really what it is. This is a shield. It's meant to protect you. It tells the other person, I'm not going to own your expectations of me. But what they need is not perfection. They need your presence. They need for you to listen, just to pause and listen what they're asking for. So what could you try instead? Try this? Well, I didn't get it right. I'm here, and I want to do better. I'm listening. This is emotional maturity in action. Number two. After everything that I've done for you. Now, this one comes from feeling really deeply unappreciated. That is a really difficult emotion when you are a parent that has given and sacrificed so much of your life for your child. So this comes from really, really deep pain. But also this phrase turns your love and all that time and effort that you gave to them in a transaction, turns that right into a transaction, and you become a vending machine relationship. It says, I did this, and now you owe me, and that's going to always shut down connection. So instead, just name what you're feeling. Say, I'm struggling with feeling unimportant to you right now. That is a difficult thing to say. It requires a lot of vulnerability, and that makes us very uncomfortable to be vulnerable, but it's honest, and when we really lean into the honesty it creates this space in our relationship. Number three, I don't even know who you are anymore. This one really stings, because it sounds like rejection to them. It might be your way of expressing grief over some things that you loved about them when they were younger, and now those things have changed now that they're older, but it lands like you're not acceptable to me right now, and our children will grow as they get older. They're supposed to grow and to change as they get older. But what you're telling them, when you say this is, I don't like the way that you've changed and you were better before, and that really hurts. So a better approach might be you have changed so much. I just want to understand you. Let's sit down and talk. That turns this judgment into curiosity. Number four, you're being too sensitive. This translates into your emotions. Make me uncomfortable, and again, it's a way that you shut down vulnerability, but you when you shut down vulnerability, you also shut down trust. And the truth is, some people are very deeply feeling some people are more sensitive beings than others, and they really want to connect on an emotional level, and some people don't. If this is uncomfortable for you, you maybe you're not a deeply feeling person, maybe you're not a very sensitive, deep feeling person, and you might want them to get over a situation. You might see them stuck in something that they just keep spinning around in and talking to you over and over about but until they feel like someone heard me, someone is trying to understand how I feel, then they're going to stay stuck. You telling them that they're too sensitive is not going to make them move on. It will make them hold on to that story until they feel heard and understood. So try this instead. I can see this is really affecting you. Tell me what that feels like. This just is take strength to make room for someone else's pain and to let someone else be different than you, and to ask about their experience, about what they are experiencing. Number five, just get over it and move on. Well, this ties into the last one. It's kind of the same thing, just saying it in different words. This is emotional bypassing. It's a way that you avoid your discomfort, because what they hear is your emotions are a problem for me, so I need for you to hurry up and be fine so that I can be fine. So instead of that, instead of telling them to get over it and move on pause and say, you know, this might take some time, but I am here for you while you figure it out. Patience, patience builds bridges and pressure burns them down. Number six, I just want you to be happy now often this can just sound loving, but it's really masking a hidden meaning. It means I want you to make choices that make me comfortable and that are according to the life that I think you should be living. It adds pressure on them to live a version of a life that you approve of, and that's not fair to them. They are adults. They get to make decisions about how their life will go. So try this instead. I trust you. You know what's best for your life. I am here cheering you on even when it's different than what I imagined. This is unconditional. Support. It means so much for them to hear that their parents trust them and are there cheering them on. Here's the last one. This is just how I am, and this is a shut down phrase. It says I've been this way a long time. I'm not going to grow, I'm not going to change and stop expecting anything different from me. It slams the door on connection and understanding. Instead, try this. You know, I have been this way for a long time. I've done it wait this way for a long time. I'm actually really trying and open to learning something new. I'm going to make some mistakes, but I really appreciate your patience with me, as I do, that shows willingness. And the truth is we all these seven things. We say these things because we feel scared, we feel hurt, we feel powerless. But if we want to repair and rebuild relationships with adult children, we have to become aware of how our words affect them, not just how their words affect us. If you want them to trust you, then you need to be a safe place. If you want emotional maturity from them, you really need to learn how to model it first. This is where your power lies, not in forcing, not in guilt tripping, not in fixing, not in sending them the silent treatment so they'll know. They know that you're unhappy with them. Your power lies in being the kind of person who makes it safe to come close again being the kind of person that they can trust and pattern their own being after. Thank you for being here with me today. I really appreciate it. I will see you next time you.