Are you having a lot of anxiety or frustration about your partner's ex?
Whether they're in the picture in some way, or you're just obsessively stalking and comparing yourself to them... this episode is for YOU.
It's going to cover:
Mentioned in this episode:
MYRMD group programme info and waitlist.
Self Esteem Building Kit.
Are you having a lot of anxiety or frustration about your partner's ex?
Whether they're in the picture in some way, or you're just obsessively stalking and comparing yourself to them... this episode is for YOU.
It's going to cover:
Mentioned in this episode:
MYRMD group programme info and waitlist.
Self Esteem Building Kit.
Hey guys! How’s everyone doing today? In my group coaching programme this week we’ve been talking all about our thoughts about ourselves - which is so important for every human brain’s self coaching work. Because we often have very unhelpful, terrible thoughts about ourselves - which cause so much havoc in our relationships.
And in today’s episode, I want to talk about one way that can show up - and that’s with mind drama about your partner’s ex. And we’re going to cover dealing with insecurities around their exes, managing your mind when they mention their ex, AND when they still have their ex in their life - and where boundaries come into play. So lots of juicy stuff.
Okay, let’s dive in. So the first thing I want to say is - we’ve all been there. We’ve all hated on someone’s ex at some point in our life. Wouldn’t it just be nice if all the exes could just pack up and move to an island somewhere? Save us all the mind drama and thought work? But sadly, that isn’t going to happen. And I’m glad about that - because if they did, we’d miss out on learning to manage our own minds and take back control of ourselves.
So the first thing we need to really understand, whatever the mind drama is you’re having about their ex, is that the ex does not cause it. I know, you feel like they do. But the ex just exists. They’re a human being that exists and is living their life. And any emotion you have about that is always created within your own mind. Always. Even if the ex is actively in their life or trying to get them back - it is always still your own mind creating your emotional experience of the situation. Which is great news, isn’t it! Because if it wasn’t that way, we’d be stuck with no way of feeling better.
So the first thing I want to focus on is when the ex isn’t in their life anymore, the relationship is in the past, but you cannot stop thinking about them and comparing yourself to them. Maybe you feel that rush of anxiety every time your partner mentions a holiday they went on with them, or something they did together. So let’s look at what’s going on here.
There’s usually one of two things at play when this kind of insecurity is coming up. One - your brain is using the ex to prove mean thoughts you have about yourself true. So maybe you don’t think you’re attractive enough, or successful enough, or something enough - and so your brain has latched onto comparing yourself to the ex as a way to keep proving this true to yourself. And the second thing is - your brain is terrified of losing your relationship and has decided the ex is a threat. So let’s look at both.
With number one - when you’re comparing yourself to the ex - it’s important to understand that this is not about the ex at all. This is about your relationship with yourself, and your own thoughts about YOU. The ex is just a green screen your brain is using to project all your mean, self critical thoughts onto. And so being really curious about what’s coming up when you think about the ex is an important place to start.
Do you tell yourself they’re more attractive than you? More fun? More interesting? They have better skin? Or a better body? Or a better circle of friends? Whatever it is - what this is revealing to you is where YOU have some pretty sh*tty thoughts about you. About your body, your social circle, your personality. So write these things down, so you can see them in front of you. And then there’s two things we need to do - first, you need to get clear on the facts.
What are the facts here? Let’s say you’re comparing your body to their body and your thought is ‘they have a better body’ - that is not a fact, that’s a completely subjective opinion. So what are the facts? I always get my clients to separate out the facts first, to show themselves the optional story they’re attaching to those facts. And in this example the facts could be ‘We both have human bodies’ or ‘they are a size 10 and I’m a size 14’ (you may not know that fact, but you get my drift. They have more muscle on their arms than I do. Maybe that’s an undeniable fact.
But then ask yourself - so what? What does that mean? Because your brain has decided that them having that type of body, and you not having it means something - and that meaning is causing you a lot of pain. Maybe you make it mean you aren’t attractive enough, or your partner is going to prefer them. Write down and notice that interpretation of those facts, and then get curious.
Is that really true? Is it true that because they have the body they have and you have the body you have that that means you’re not attractive enough? Who gets to decide that? How might that not be true at all? So what if it were true, what then? How might it be true that some people could be attracted to them AND some people could be attracted to you? What evidence is there that your partner finds YOUR body attractive, exactly the way it is?
Why does it matter if their body looks differently to yours? Does that make them a more worthy and valuable human? Does that make them a better partner or human being? Does that make their experience here on the planet any better? Really get curious about this.
And they say comparison is the thief of joy, and it’s so so true. When we’re comparing ourselves to others, we miss out on loving what we have! And enjoying ourselves for exactly who we are. And there will be so many people who would LOVE to have what you have, the body, or the social circle, or the career. And so notice how your current way of thinking about what you do have, and who you are, is robbing you of the enjoyment of it. You’re not truly valuing yourself and everything YOU bring to your relationship and all the amazing reasons your partner wants to be with you.
And again, whatever the thing is you’re comparing - I can guarantee you already had negative thoughts about it before the ex was even part of this equation. You likely already didn’t think very highly about yourself and the value you bring to a relationship, before the ex was a factor. And so like I said before, your brain is just using the ex as a great excuse to bring up all these mean thoughts about you (your body, or your career, or personality - whatever it is you’re comparing). And understanding that your thoughts about your body, or whatever it is, aren’t actually facts and are optional thoughts is so so important. Because that means you can work on actually loving what you have, exactly the way it is. By changing the way you think about it.
Whatever your thoughts are about the ex are signposts for where YOU have work to do on your thoughts about YOU. In my group coaching sessions this week, one of my members was talking about comparing her body to how it used to be in the past, and all the negative thoughts she had about it now. And we talked about the same thing - how her body now was actually totally neutral, it just exists - and it’s her brain's chosen thoughts about it creating her pain. Someone else could have a body just like hers and have great thoughts about it. And feel a totally different emotion.
And whoever this ex is, it’s important for you to recognise that your brain is likely putting them on a pedestal. You’re maybe looking at pictures of them on Instagram or Facebook and you’re comparing all of their perfect images and highlights to your worst parts and the things you like the least about yourself. But remember - we are all imperfect and flawed humans. We are all a mix of positive and negative traits.
You see their filtered picture, but you don’t see them feeling anxious and insecure at 3am, or their bad breath in the morning, or the way they struggle to control their emotions in arguments, or their moments feeling bored and lonely. You don’t see them as the full, imperfect, and flawed human that they are. And we are all imperfect and we are all 100% worthy and valuable.
Right now, you likely believe this ex is better than you in some way. And challenging why that is and how that in fact is not true is where your work lies. I have a self esteem building kit which helps you work on your own negative beliefs about yourself - so I’m going to leave the link for it in the description bit for this episode - so definitely go and check that out if you know this is something you need to work on!
So let’s talk about number 2 - how your brain has decided they are a threat. So your brain is so scared of losing the relationship, that it’s like a little person standing at the top of a lighthouse with binoculars, looking out across the sea for signs of a threat on the horizon. And this ex fits the bill!
If you know this is your brain, the most important thing you need to look into and face is - what if this relationship ends? What if your partner DOES go back to their ex or leave you? What then? Because for whatever reason, your brain has decided that that happening is extremely dangerous, and something you need to be on red alert for just in case. Which suggests you’ve likely decided IF this happens, it’s going to mean something about you or your future happiness. Maybe it’ll mean you’re not good enough or loveable, or that you’d never find a relationship like this again.
So really get curious about that fear. And I always teach my clients, both my 1:1 clients and in the group programme - that whatever our brains are most afraid of, what we’re actually afraid of isn’t the thing itself happening - it’s the way we imagine we’ll think and feel IF it happens. So ask yourself: if this happened, if this relationship ended, what am I most afraid to think and feel? What would my brain make it mean?
And that will reveal the work you need to do. Because we actually never have any control over whether someone chooses to stay with us or not, ever. We can’t control other people and how they choose to use their free will. But when your brain is ready to make how they choose to use their free will mean something terrible about you or impact your entire future happiness - no wonder it’s obsessed and terrified of it.
So get curious about that. What would you make it mean? What scares you the most about the idea of this relationship ending? And whatever your brain comes back with - really look at it and challenge it. For a lot of my clients it’s what they would make it mean about them. They’re so afraid of their partner’s leaving because they know if they do, they’ll use it as evidence that all their mean thoughts about themselves are true.
Or for others, they’ve decided if their partner leaves, they’ll struggle to meet someone else and won’t find that kind of connection again. For you it could be something different. But whatever it is - really get awareness of it so that you can challenge it. Because whatever it is, it’s an optional story. It’s an optional way of thinking about them leaving IF it ever did happen.
And you can’t control whether your partner chooses to leave or stay, but you can work on believing that no matter what happens YOU will be okay. That you will never make it mean something negative about you and that you would be able to create an amazing future without them, if you ever needed to.
Now let’s talk for a little bit about when the ex is still in the picture. And a lot of people have a lot of opinions of what’s right and wrong in these situations - what’s healthy and unhealthy - toxic or not toxic. And it’s important first of all to understand - that whatever your opinion is about how much contact someone should have with their ex, it’s just that, an opinion. It’s one optional opinion. And that doesn’t necessarily mean your partner will share that opinion with you.
There are some people who are best friends with their exes, or hang out with them regularly, there are some people who delete their exes on Facebook the minute they break up. And there’s people sitting somewhere in between that spectrum. It’s all optional, none of it is right or wrong. We were having this discussion in one of my groups in my group programme the other week - and one member said she always deletes her ex and their family off facebook when they split up. And she made it mean something really negative that her partner still had his ex on Facebook.
But whatever the situation is in your own relationship - you get to decide what it is you’re looking for and what you’re comfortable with. And what would be a dealbreaker for you. And remember - we don’t want to seek to control our partners’ behaviour, because that never works anyway - what we want to do is manage our own minds and make decisions for ourselves.
A lot of people will ask ‘Is it a red flag if they’re still friends with an ex’? And they want to know for certain whether that behaviour is definitely a signal to them maybe cheating or going back to the ex in the future - and the reality is, we have no idea. There are people all over the worlds having friendships with exes, who never ever go back there. And there are people who stay friends with exes and then do. There’s no set prescribed meaning to what that means - which anxious brains don’t like. They want the certainty.
But we can never predict how someone else is going to act, we can only take the facts we do have now in the present moment - and respond to them. So let’s say it’s a fact that your partner’s ex is in their life in some way - maybe they’re friends, maybe they co-parent together - whatever the situation is. And your partner wants this person in their life, they’ve been honest and upfront about the situation and that this is the way it is.
Your job is to decide if 1) this is a situation a dealbreaker for you? And 2) how do you want to think, feel and show up to this situation. So I’ll use the example of one of my clients - her husband is still friends with his ex, and they co-parent a child together. And she doesn’t want this to be a dealbreaker, she wants to be with him and accept this part of his life. So then her job is work on managing her own mind around what comes up about this situation, and of course decide if there’s any boundaries she wants to uphold.
For example - it may be a boundary of hers that she wouldn’t be okay with them just going for dinner the two of them, or she wouldn’t feel comfortable if he told her private things about their relationships. Now - please hear me when I say, that isn’t me saying it is bad or wrong for exes to spend 1:1 time and go for dinner together. That’s not what I’m saying. Someone could be totally fine with that and not think it’s a big deal! Someone else could not want it to be part of their relationship. There is no right or wrong. It’s all personal preference and opinion.
And you get to decide the boundaries you want to have in your relationship and express those to the person you’re with to see if this is something that works for them too. And remember, if your partner doesn’t want the same things as you - maybe they do want to be going for dinners with their ex and you don’t feel comfortable about it - that doesn’t make them bad or wrong. It means they have a different preference for how your relationship should look than you do. And you then get to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. Rather than trying to change them and make them want something they don’t want - you decide whether this type of relationship will work for you.
And I think having really open and honest conversations about your expectations and boundaries and the intentions you both have for your relationship is important. Ensuring your both on the same page with what your commitment is to each other and that you’re both happy with that and in agreement is the best way to set you up for success.
It doesn’t, however, mean that your partner will always honour these agreements, it doesn’t mean they’ll always act in ways that don’t cross your boundaries. And we have to let go of trying to control that and micromanage how they use their free will - only they can decide that. And the only thing YOU can decide is how you will choose to think, feel and respond if a boundary of yours is crossed.
And when it comes to working out what is a dealbreaker for you - my advice is always to get curious about your reasons and make sure you like them. For example - you could decide you would never ever date anyone who still had their ex on any form of social media. But first you want to get curious and ask yourself - why? What am I making that mean? And have I really interrogated and questioned that and am I sure I like this line of thinking and it’s one I want to keep? Or do I want to challenge and change my thoughts around this?
Same with maybe someone who is friends with their ex. You want to get curious, why is this a problem for me? What does this bring up within me? And are there insecurities I want to face here and overcome, rather than breaking this off completely? And you’ll hate me saying this, but there really is no right answer. I just want to encourage you to be honest with yourself about the reasons why something bothers you.
And take ownership of them. So that whatever you decide YOU are empowered. You could decide - hey, them having this friendship with their ex brings up a load of insecurity in me, and I don’t want to do the work on those thoughts right now - so I’m removing myself from this situation. And that’s totally fine. Own it and be honest with yourself about it. Rather than blaming your emotions on something outside of you.
And finally, if you’ve decided you want to be in your relationship and the situation with an ex is not a dealbreaker - you then get to decide how you want to show up to that situation. Your brain may not want to play ball, it may want to offer you a lot of thoughts that create jealousy and insecurity, but your job is to look at those thoughts and question what your brain is telling you. And while it may not feel like it - this situation may actually be a blessing for you.
I’m a true believer that whatever our work is, whatever personal issues we need to overcome, it will come up for us one way or another. So if you have work to do on your own insecurities, that work is coming for you - whether it’s this relationship or your next. So choosing to face your insecurities head on and overcome them is actually going to be a good thing- regardless of how it turns out - because no matter what, you’re going to be a stronger, and evolved version of yourself at the other side of it.
Ask yourself - if this is the situation I’m dealing with - who do I want to be in the face of this? How do I want to feel around the ex? And towards them? How do I want to feel towards my partner? How do I want to feel towards myself? Write down those questions and answer them. And then consider for each - what would I need to be thinking to generate those emotions? What would I need to believe so I could feel that way and show up in the way I truly want to?
Okay guys, that’s all I’ve got for you today - I hope it was helpful! The next round of my group coaching programme - Master Your Relationship Mind Drama - is going to be opening its doors in December. And in order to make sure you don’t miss out, you’re going to want to go and get yourself on the waitlist. So I’m going to drop the link with all the details and the waitlist in the information section of this episode.
And can I ask you to do something for me? Could you go ahead and give the podcast a little rating on whatever platform you’re listening from? This is how I can keep reaching more people and spreading the word of this work.
Okay guys - have an amazing weekend, and I’ll speak to you all next week - bye!