61. People-pleasing, boundaries and saying no at Christmas

Feeling a sense of dread about the Christmas season as we enter December?

And a looming feeling of pressure about the expectations of your loved ones?

 Or do you find the behaviour of some relatives pretty tough to deal with?

Then this podcast is for YOU.

I'm talking about people pleasing, why saying no is so hard for us, AND how to set boundaries in a way that never fails.

Mentioned in this episode

• MYRMD group coaching programme - info and waitlist

Transcript

Hey guys! How’s everyone doing? It is FREEZING here in the UK. It’s been in the minuses this week and it’s so frosty and icey everywhere - so as always, I’m here under my electric blanket with a hot drink, shivering as we talk about boundaries and people pleasing. Which - as you may have guessed - is the topic of this week’s episode!

And I’m going to dive straight in. It’s the 1st of December - not when I’m recording this, but when you’re listening it will be. Which means one thing. Christmas is around the corner! And I LOVE Christmas. So much. It’s my favourite time of year. And some of you may agree and totally love Christmas too, some of you might have some mixed feelings or even negative feelings about the holidays. But one thing that affects a lot of us is the feeling of pressure and obligation from friends and family members this time of year.

There can be a lot of expectations around Christmas time. Expectations to see old friends, to go to certain events and gatherings, to make big plans for New Year’s Eve, to host your parents or extended family members. And it can often feel like we’re not in control of the choices and decisions we make, and like we’re acting from a place of guilt and obligation, and let’s face it - resentment.

And you’ve probably heard people say ‘It’s okay to be selfish’ ‘Put yourself first’ - and when we hear that we nod and smile but we don’t really feel it. It doesn’t feel true. And that’s because it can actually feel terrifying to be ‘selfish’ and put our wants first, risking other people being upset with us. And there’s a few reasons that can feel so scary.

Firstly, it’s because we’re biologically predisposed to fear rejection. You’ve probably heard me say before, that the human species originated from small tribes. Meaning that the humans that went on through evolution and created more humans were the ones who understand the importance of being accepted and who were good at being part of the group and getting along with the other members of the tribe. So to our ancient primitive brains, going against the tribe and others being upset with us is a survival threat. It’s a life or death situation. Even though rationally we know that’s not true, we’re not going to die because our mums are mad at us. But our primitive brain doesn’t know that.

And secondly, our brain’s have often learnt to take responsibility for other people’s emotions and make other people feeling negatively mean something bad about them e.g. If my mum is disappointed, it means I’ve done something wrong - I’m a bad daughter. If I was a good daughter or friend, they wouldn’t be upset right now. We believe we are what create other people’s actions - which of course is not true, because their thoughts do. But we subconsciously believe that it’s us and so we end up thinking - is it really okay to be selfish if that means other people being upset and me being a terrible person who doesn’t care enough about people… probably not!

And what clients of mine will say all the time is - I really don’t want to do X or go to Y but I have to. And when I ask why they say - because if I don’t so-and-so will be upset. And most of us then take that as a legitimate ‘bad thing’ that must be avoided, that someone being upset with us genuinely is a big problem and so we end up saying yes instead and doing what the person wants. 

And so since that’s the perceived problem here, that’s the thing our brain is trying to avoid,  we have to really challenge why our brain is so afraid of it. Why IS it a problem if that person has a negative emotion? LIterally ask yourself, so what? What would it mean if they DID have a negative emotion about your choice? 

And what we’re all actually trying to do in these moments is control other people’s Models. So if you’re a client of mine or in my group coaching programme - you know all about the Model. But for those that aren’t - the Model is a tool created by one of my amazing teachers Brooke Castillo. And it basically helps summarise things into 5 lines - Circumstances, thoughts, feelings, actions, and results. So we use the Model to show ourselves what thought is creating the way we feel and then act. 

So when I say we’re trying to control someone else’s Model, what I mean is we’re trying to control the way other people think, feel and act. We want to make sure they have lots of nice thoughts about us, so that WE can have nice emotions ourselves. For example - if my mum is disappointed this Christmas - then I’ll make that mean something bad about me and then I’ll have negative emotions about that. If my friend is mad that I’ve cancelled on our dinner date, then I’ll make it mean I’m a bad friend and feel guilty. We’re trying to control their Model (what they think and feel about us) so that we can feel okay and safe. 

But we can never actually control someone else’s Model - we can never control how somebody else thinks or feels because we don’t control their brain. You could cancel on a plan and someone could think it’s totally fine, someone else could be relieved because they didn’t want to go out either, or someone could be fuming and make it mean you don’t care about them. And you don’t control the thoughts they have about you or your choices. 

And so when we’re trying to stop people pleasing, the solution is separating out the way THEY think and feel from how WE want to choose to think and feel. We have to let go of trying to control what they think of us and commit to thinking the way WE want to think about ourselves, regardless of their opinion. Which is no easy feat. 

And one of the first things to do is we have to first normalise people having negative emotion - and learn to embrace the fact that it’s actually supposed to happen. Your mum is supposed to feel disappointed. Your friends are supposed to be annoyed sometimes. 

And we have to challenge what WE make that mean about US. And I’ll give you an example from one of my 1:1 clients. She was unsure whether she wanted to go home for thanksgiving or not - she didn’t really want to go, but she was afraid if she didn’t, her parents would be upset. And when I asked her, so what if they’re upset? She said it would mean she was a ‘bad daughter’ and that she didn’t care about them. And so we had to challenge her thought that her not going home meant she was a ‘bad, uncaring daughter’ - was that really true? Could someone be a good, caring daughter and also want to stay home for the holidays? What if that were true? What if it was possible to be a loving caring daughter and not go home for every occasion?

And we also had to challenge her brain on - what if it was okay for her parents to feel disappointment? What if that didn’t mean something had gone ‘wrong’? We often think people feeling negative emotion mean somethings gone wrong - but negative emotion is supposed to be part of every human’s experience here on Earth. No human can escape the 50/50 of positive and negative emotion.

And I had to come to this realisation with my own mum. Because for a while I felt so guilty if she ever had a negative emotion about me not coming home to see her or not being free to talk on the phone when she wanted - and it makes total sense! I love my mum to pieces, I didn’t want her to feel negatively. But I had to accept that no amount of me wanting my mum to never have to have the full human experience is going to stop her from having it. She’s going to feel sad, disappointed, frustrated, and hurt sometimes - regardless of what I do, because she’s a human with a human brain. 

And some of my clients will say to me - okay I get they HAVE to have some level of that emotion, but if I can do something that stops them having it, shouldn’t I do? Aren’t I ‘bad’ if I don’t? And sure - if you can do something that stops someone having to go through emotional pain, that’s a great thing to do. ACCEPT when it comes at the expense of you showing up as your authentic self. 

If you trying to prevent someone from having a negative emotion means YOU not being true to yourself and going against important wants and needs that you have - you’re actually doing the relationship a disservice. Because it stops being a genuine, authentic relationship and it becomes a performance. You performing in a way that you think they’ll like and prevents them having negative emotion so that you can feel okay about yourself. It actually creates more disconnection, not to mention resentment in you because you’re doing something that you really don’t want to be doing.

And like I said - they’re going to have negative emotion anyway. You’re not giving them an exit ramp off the human experience. I live with my fiance now and my mum complains I don’t see her enough. But she used to complain I didn’t see her enough when we lived together! Her brain is going to create disappointed regardless, and that’s okay. She just has a human brain. 

So whatever the expectations are of you this Christmas, consider - what are my reasons for saying yes to this. And do I like them? Am I going against what I truly want to try and manage someone else’s thoughts and feelings? Or does doing this feel good, and intentional, and aligned with who I want to be?

And if you know there’s something you’d really like to be saying no to this Christmas - but you feel a lot of anxiety about it, ask yourself - what’s the worst thing they may think and feel about this? And if they did have that negative thought and feeling - what will I make that mean? What will I make that mean about me or the relationship in general? Why would it be a problem? And what would I love to still believe about myself, regardless of their opinion? What would it be like to give them full permission to feel upset or disappointed AND give yourself permission to do what feels right for you? What would you need to believe to make that possible for you?

And often we’re so afraid of other people’s reactions - and it’s actually just a projection of our own mean beliefs about ourselves. Like with the example with my 1:1 client - she admitted she didn’t actually think her parents would think she was a bad daughter if she didn’t go home - SHE was the one believing that about herself and so naturally projecting that onto them.

And I always say to my clients, a big part of learning to stop people pleasing is getting good at feeling uncomfortable. Because like I said at the beginning - your brain is going to be screaming NO! Don’t do it! People being mad at us is terrifying and a risk to our safety! It’s life or death! And noticing that primitive brain mind drama surface and not judging it or reacting to it, and actually just saying ‘Okay thanks brain - I hear you. But it’s okay we’re safe.’ and being willing to just feel that uncomfortable emotion in your body and make space for it is really important. Your brain is just trying to keep you safe and has wrongly assessed someone being disappointed or upset with you as a survival threat. It’s like a faulty smoke alarm. It’s screaming like the house is on fire, but it’s actually burnt toast.

And alongside the topic of people pleasing is of course boundaries - which I do have a whole other episode on, so be sure to check that out if boundaries are something you really struggle with. But I wanted to talk about boundaries a little here too. So a lot of us get boundaries totally backwards. We think that boundaries are rules we choose and enforce - and that other people are supposed to follow and obey our boundaries.

Now - what a wonderful world that would be if we could just tell someone to stop doing something and then they just stopped and behaved how we wanted. What a lovely little dream life that would be. But unfortunately - that’s no how life works. People have free will. And they get to behave however the hell they want. They really do. People can steal cars. They can drink and drive. They can vandalise property. They get to choose. Yes - we have boundaries and consequences for those who choose to do those things (i.e we have laws and prison) - but whether they choose to obey those laws and how they choose to use their feel will is totally up to them. 

And when we approach boundary setting with the expectation that we’ll tell people what our boundary is and then they’ll just stop crossing it - we’re setting ourselves up for frustration and resentment. And so often I see my clients stuck in this place, where they say ‘I told my mum I didn’t want her to bring up my weight this Christmas, that it was a boundary for me - and she brought it up anyway!’ and they feel really powerless and like their boundary has failed. 

But your boundaries aren’t actually about stopping their behaviour or controlling how they act. Luckily - because that’s an impossible task! Your boundaries are how YOU will act, IF a certain behaviour takes place. And I’m going to repeat that because it’s really important. Boundaries aren’t about stopping or controlling their behaviour - boundaries are decisions about how YOU will act, IF a certain behaviour takes place.

For example - if my uncle gets drunk and starts swearing at people at the dinner table this Christmas, I will leave and go home. If my dad has been drinking, I will take a taxi to the event and say no to his offer of a lift. If my friends ask me to go out drinking, I’ll say no - regardless of how many times they ask. If my ex texts me, I won’t reply. If my aunt brings up her political beliefs that I don’t agree with, I’ll tell her I don’t want to talk about that and change the subject, and if she continues I’ll get up and leave the room. 

We call this the request and the consequence. So the request might be ‘please stop yelling me’ the consequence is ‘If they don’t stop yelling, I will leave the room’ And when you can do this, you can ensure that you’re taking ownership of you own time, space, and energy - because you’re not relying on the actions of others - you’re relying on yourself to have your own back. They get to behave however the hell they want to, AND you know you will be okay regardless. 

We’ve just been coaching on this this week in my group coaching programme - and one of the members was talking about the guilt she feels around carrying out her consequences. And I think this really is the hardest part of boundary setting - it’s actually following through with the action we’ve decided to take, because we’re so afraid of other people’s reactions.

Which really brings this episode in a full circle, because we have to return to what we were just talking about about letting go of trying to control the thoughts, feelings and actions of others. If you decide to leave your family event early - and some people have negative thoughts about that - so what? And really ask yourself that. What am I most afraid of? What is it I’m afraid that would mean? Because challenging your answer to that question is how you set yourself free.

What do I want to believe about my boundary? Why is having this boundary so important to me? And can I give myself permission to have it and follow through with it, without judging myself and making it mean I’m ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ in some way. And you actually don’t have to judge and be mad at them either. Often we think we have to be furious and angry at other people’s behaviour in order to follow through with our chosen consequence and the action to look after ourselves - but that is totally not true.

In fact, the opposite is usually true. The more we resist the way someone is - the more we tell ourselves that they’re doing it wrong and that they’re the problem and their behaviour needs to change, usually the longer we stay around the behaviour. We start trying to convince them to change and argue with them and force our way on them - usually having very little to no success. 

Whereas actually accepting and even embracing the fact that the people in your life have totally different brains to yours and therefore will act in ways that are totally different to the way you do - and not making that mean they’re wrong and you’re right - ironically makes sticking to your consequence a lot easier. It’s like ‘Oh Aunt Carol loves to talk about her views on gender stereotypes, which have been absorbed into her brain from her upbringing and the society she grew up in. Cool - but I’m not down for that. I’m not going to engage and I’m going to leave the room when she does so.’

Of course it isn’t always that easy. And I want you to know that nothing is wrong with you when you feel very emotionally triggered when people behave in ways you don’t like - it’s the most normal thing in the world and just makes you a human. Which is why knowing that our brains are going to have a lot to say about our friends and relatives behaviour this Christmas and knowing we can process and allow the emotions in our bodies without reacting to them, AND manage our own thinking to best look after ourselves - is so so valuable.

Because like I always say, we can’t control the other humans - but we CAN control the way we think, feel and respond to them. 

And if you know this is something you need to work on - why don’t give yourself the best gift for the start of 2024. The next round of my group coaching programme - Master Your Relationship Mind Drama - is going to be opening its doors the first week of January. And this is where you’ll be able to learn all about the tools and concepts I discuss on this podcast but on a much deeper level - AND learn how to actually apply them to your own unique situations and your own unique brain. It’s an amazing programme and such a supportive place to learn and grow - surrounded by people with similar brains to yours doing the exact same work.

So  in order to make sure you don’t miss out, you’re going to want to go and get yourself on the waitlist. So I’m going to drop the link with all the details and FAQs included, and also the link for the waitlist in the information section of this episode. So definitely go and check that out! And make 2024 the year you finally master your relationship mind drama.

And finally, can I ask you to do something for me? Could you go ahead and give the podcast a little rating on whatever platform you’re listening from? This is how I can keep reaching more people and spreading the word of this work. 

Okay guys - have an amazing weekend, and I’ll speak to you all next week - bye!