64. What if you COULD handle it? (Facing your deepest fears)

In today's episode, I talk about one of my all-time favourite books - 'Feel the fear and do it anyway' by Susan Jeffers - and some of the amazing concepts she teaches, which blew my mind!

If you feel a sense of anxiety and fear following you around in your relationships...

Constantly worrying about the worst-case scenario and feeling on edge...

This podcast is for you!

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Transcript

Hey guys! How’s everyone doing? I am so excited because in a few days I am off to Cologne to the Christmas markets - and at the time of you listening to this I will actually be there, which is so exciting! And I’m just so excited for Christmas - I love Christmas. I don’t know about you, but I really do love it. My fiance is a bit more of a scrooge than me - so I’m having to really force her to watch Christmas films and force the spirit of Christmas onto her - but hey, she’s entertaining it for my sake. 

And since Christmas is obviously next week - there is no episode being released next Friday, we’ll pick up as usual the Friday after. So - let’s dive straight into today’s episode. And today’s episode actually comes with a free book recommendation - so you are welcome in advance. And I think this book is actually one I’ve mentioned before on the podcast, but I’m reading it again now and it is blowing my mind for a second time. So I just had to talk about it today. 

And the book I’m talking about is ‘Feel the fear and do it any way’ by Susan Jeffers. So if you haven’t ready it - I definitely recommend it for your 2024 read list! And if your brain works in any way like mine - you’ll likely notice that your brain will jump to those terrifying fearful stories of what could happen in the future. And then you’ll whole body will be filled with anxiety and fear and panic. 

‘What if they leave me?!’ or ‘What if they cheat?!’ or ‘What if I get fired?!’ - and you suddenly feel that intense anxiety sensation in your body. And I know first hand that these fearful thoughts can feel totally paralysing. Which is a big part of what Susan Jeffers talks about in the book - how often we let fear stop us from taking action and moving forward. You see it as a sign that something is wrong and we should stop in our tracts - versus seeing it as a normal human brain response. 

And I’ve talked a lot on this podcast before about the primitive brain and how it’s always trying to keep us safe. And how in modern day society, your brain has less survival threats to keep you safe from and so it now spends it’s time identifying and sounding the alarm at emotions threats - threats that could result in you feeling a negative emotion. 

And Susan Jeffers talks about this in her book ‘Feel the fear and do it any way’ in a similar way. She says how there’s 3 layers or levels of fear. Layer 1) Is the exterior situation -things that happen to us / actions we take. So maybe you’re afraid of being broken up with or you’re afraid to give a presentation. One is something happening to you, the other is an action you’re afraid to take. But both are external things.

Then layer 2) - the fear lurking beneath layer 1 -  is the inner state of mind - vulnerability, helplessness, rejection. So if I get broken up with I’ll feel shame and loneliness. Or if I give a presentation and stumble on my words I’ll feel embarrassed. We’re afraid of the emotional experience. Then layer 3) - the layer beneath EVERY and ALL fears, as Susan Jeffers says, is ‘I can’t handle it!’. And this was a huge shift for me the first time I read this book - the idea that all our fears come down to the simple belief - that we won’t be able to handle it. Whatever ‘it’ is.

So for a second - I want you to do this little exercise with me. And step 1 is to get clear on what you’re most afraid of happening in your relationship. Get clear on the exterior situation, whether it’s something happening to you or an action you might take e.g. having a child, ending a relationship, being cheated on, being lied to - whatever it is. Write it down

Then I want you to consider - what’s the inner state of mind that I’m afraid of here. Is it helplessness? Rejection? Embarrassment? Heartbreak? Disappointment? Humiliation? Shame? What’s the emotional state I imagine I’ll find myself in IF this thing happens? Then - what Susan Jeffers says, is that the reason for your fear around that always comes down to that 3rd and final layer, whatever your answers were to layer 1 and 2, your brain is simply afraid that YOU CAN’T HANDLE IT.

And this is of course very inline with what I teach and what I help my clients with in my 1:1 and group coaching - the idea that what your brain is most afraid of isn’t the thing itself happening - it’s the emotional experience it imagines you’ll have IF that thing happens. Which is why just telling yourself over and over again that you’re afraid of being cheated on and repeatedly asking yourself ‘WHAT IF IT HAPPENS?’ is completely useless and not helpful at all. Because you’re just perpetuating the idea that it IS in fact a terrifying thing and signalling to your brain that it needs to continue being hypervigilant about it.

You’re reinforcing those fearful and anxious neural pathways in your brain that are programmed to be terrified of it and that believe you couldn’t handle it IF it happened. So this is why understanding your fearful brain is the most important step you need to take. And it’s what I help all of my clients with - uncovering why exactly their brain is afraid of that thing happening. And of course - as what I teach is thought work and rewiring our thoughts - what I do is really help you understand the thoughts your brain is afraid to think (that would create that emotional state in layer 2).

So for example if your answer to layer 2 was you’d feel shame or embarrassment - it’s important to understand that those emotions come from thoughts - sentences in your brain. So ask yourself, why would I feel those emotions? What thoughts would create them? For some situations, they may be reasonable thoughts that you wouldn’t want to change. For example if someone you love passes away, you don’t really want to change your thoughts about being sad and missing them - that would be very strange and not the goal at all. 

But if your partner cheats on you - maybe you do want to challenge and change the thoughts where you make it mean you weren’t good enough and will never find anyone else.

But what Susan Jeffers really hammers home throughout the book - which again, I can’t recommend enough! - is that whatever the situation, and whatever the thoughts and emotional experience you’d have if it happens, what keeps you awake at night worrying about it is that one belief - that you couldn’t handle it. 

You couldn’t handle them cheating, or lying. You couldn’t handle being broken up with again and getting back out there dating. You couldn’t handle having to separate out your belongings and finding a new place to live. You couldn’t handle the guilt and pain you’d feel for your children and their reaction, you couldn’t handle the idea of meeting someone new. You. Couldn’t. Handle. It. 

And this lie, because it is a lie, is what’s owning you and zapping you off your joy in your relationship today. Because your brain is continuously operating from a fear. That fearful survival threat which treats everything like it’s life or death. And we all know that voice. That little ‘What if…’ voice - What if I was wrong about them? What if they cheat? What if I forgive them and it happens again? What if they’re sick of me? What if, what if, what if. The silent answer your brain subconsciously feeds you is that you couldn’t handle it.

And I’ll share a personal example with you. One of my biggest fears always used to be losing a friend, as in a friend breaking up with - not wanting to be my friend any more. I was one of those lucky ducks that got both romantic relationship anxiety AND friendship anxiety - which is super fun. But my brain was so so terrified of this happening - so I’d lie awake at night, worried about what my friends thought about me, whether I was being a good enough friend, whether they liked their other friends more, and always looking for signs of rejection from them (and of course finding them).

And then one day - it actually happened. A friend removed herself from my life, for good. And I of course had negative emotion about it - but I discovered the most surprising thing. I could handle it. I could handle the negative emotion. I could totally be okay and move forward. And looking back now, I’m actually very glad that it happened. That intense fear I felt in the years building up to it actually happening had nothing to do with the thing itself - and everything to do with my brain's belief that I couldn’t handle it.

And the reason I believed I couldn’t handle it was because of what I was believing it happening would mean about me. I had the beliefs that IF I lost a friend or a friend was mad at me and left my life, it would mean I was a bad person. It would prove how unloveable I was. It would prove I wasn’t likeable and that I was a loser. All beliefs that my brain had been practising since childhood and were just default, unhelpful beliefs - perpetuating this fear.

And when I’m coaching clients on their own fears - we always look at the thoughts they’re afraid to think IF that thing happens so that we can challenge them. And debunk them a little, poke holes in them - and then we consider how else they could choose to think and feel IF that scary thing takes place. And what we’re doing here is teaching your brain that you COULD handle it. That it doesn’t need to be so afraid, because you CAN handle whatever life throws at you. That you can choose on purpose how you’d want to think and feel IF that thing happened and what you’d make it mean about you and for your future.

Another thing Susan Jeffers talks about in her book is saying yes to the universe. Which is a huge game changer I have to say - everytime I read this chapter, a feeling of calm, relaxation just melts over my body. And it’s really inline with a lot of what I talk about in terms of not resisting reality - which I also learnt a lot about from Byron Katie. She has an amazing book called Loving What Is - which is another recommendation for 2024 if you’ve not read it already.

And what both incredible ladies talk about is the idea that saying ‘no’ to the reality of life, to the universe, always creates more suffering. And when I say, ‘saying no’ what I mean is being resistant to the things that happen in our lives. Big or small. Believing the things in your life shouldn’t be the way they are and wanting them to be different. Feeling frustrated and resentful. Or terrified of bad things happening in the future. We subconsciously believe things aren’t supposed to go ‘wrong’ - and by wrong I mean, not inline with our vision of things should be.

And so when things don’t unfold the way we hoped - we feel very resistant to that. We resist the circumstance, we feel frustrated and hopeless, and like victims to our lives and to the universe. But imagine, instead - when something didn’t go your way or the way you’d hoped it would - saying yes to it. Saying yes to going through the emotional discomfort, saying yes to going through the experience, and saying yes to this being your reality.

And when I say, say yes, I don’t mean pretending to be totally over the moon and happy about it. That would be very strange and stepford wifey. What I mean is saying yes and being willing to go through the negative emotion and the pain. Embracing it as part of your experience of being a human on this planet. 

Byron Katie talks about a similar concept and she has her students reframe their fears from ‘I don’t want X to ever happen’ to ‘I am willing for X to happen’. And when I’ve done this with my own deepest fears, I do feel a sense of relief. Because it’s the unwillingness to experience them and to go through the emotion that creates our suffering in the present moment. But if we can say YES to going through the highs and the lows of life - AND we believe we can handle and get through every bump in the road - that’s when we feel the most powerful. 

So whatever the situation is you’re dealing with right now. Maybe it’s traffic on your way to work, or a looming deadline, or a partner in a bad mood, or a difficult family member - consider, how can I mentally say yes to this being my reality right now. Rather than fighting with reality and creating more inner tension and conflict - how can I accept this is the reality and say YES to showing up to deal with it. And remember - saying yes doesn’t mean being pleased about it and it doesn’t dictate how you show up to deal with it. You can say yes to the universe, and set boundaries around certain behaviour. You can say yes to the reality of a situation and allow yourself to grieve and cry and mourn. 

Saying yes is just about dropping the resistance to what is. And embracing the truth of reality in that moment. So there’s a few things for you to think about in this episode - and I’ve literally only skimmed the surface of all the amazing things you will learn from reading the book. So definitely go purchase it and read it in the New Year - if you haven’t already! And the other great book I mentioned was ‘Loving what is’ by Byron Katie. 

Okay guys - that’s all I’ve got for you this week! And remember there is no episode next week because of Christmas - so we’ll pick up the week after. I’m also going to be sending round an email asking for your input and ideas for the kinds of things you’d like me to talk about on the podcast - so if you’re not on my email list already, go get on it! I’ll put the link in the episode info section. And then look out for that email. Your feedback will be really appreciated!

And the next round of my group coaching programme - Master Your Relationship Mind Drama - is going to be opening its doors the first week of January. And this is where you’ll be able to learn all about the tools and concepts I discuss on this podcast but on a much deeper level - AND learn how to actually apply them to your own unique situations and your own unique brain. It’s an amazing programme and such a supportive place to learn and grow - surrounded by people with similar brains to yours doing the exact same work.

So in order to make sure you don’t miss out, you’re going to want to go and get yourself on the waitlist. So I’m going to drop the link with all the details and FAQs included, and also the link for the waitlist in the information section of this episode. So definitely go and check that out! And make 2024 the year you finally master your relationship mind drama.

And finally, can I ask you to do something for me? Could you go ahead and give the podcast a little rating on whatever platform you’re listening from? This is how I can keep reaching more people and spreading the word of this work. 

Okay guys - have an amazing Christmas and New Year! I’ll see you in 2024! Bye!