65. Intuition vs Anxiety

Ever find yourself wondering what is just an anxious story in your head and what is your intuition at play?

Does debating this back and forth make you feel even more anxious and out of control? And less able to show up to the situation in front of you? 

If you answered YES - this episode is for you.

Tune in to learn: What is intuition? What is anxiety? And how to navigate our brains around both. 

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Transcript

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Hey guys! Happy New Year! How is everyone doing? I don’t know about you - but does anyone else find the first week of January so incredibly difficult. My brain just can not. It’s throwing such a tantrum about Christmas being over and about having to get up and actually put on clothes, instead of just lounging around in pyjamas, it’s just not happy. But one thing that is getting me feeling more ready and raring to go is the launch of my next round of group coaching.

Which - depending on when you listen to this - launched yesterday! So if you’re listening to this on Friday morning or Friday afternoon - depending where you’re listening from - you may still be able to get the 10% discount that’s only available for the first 24 hours of doors being open. So if you know you want to sign up and you’re just taking your sweet time - go fast to get the discount. But if you’re listening to this after Friday - I am sorry, it will be the usual price for you - which is still a great investment and way to use your Christmas money. 

The programme is honestly my favourite thing to run - because it’s always such a supportive place filled with so many wonderful people, all dealing with similar struggles in their relationships and with their brains - and all ready to make changes. And I’ll talk a little bit more about the programme at the end - but if these episodes resonate with you and you know you have some things to work on - why not make 2024 the year you finally master your relationship mind drama? We will be diving into everything I talk about on the podcast but on a much deeper level and I’ll be helping you actually apply the tools and the work to your own brain. Which is what you need to do to actually create the change.

But like I said - more on that at the end - for now, let’s dive into Intuition vs Anxiety. So this is one that I get so many questions about - not only on Instagram but from clients as well. Questions like ‘how do I know if it’s anxiety or a gut feeling?’ and ‘if my intuition says they’re lying, does that mean it’s true?’ and things like that. And we’re also inundated with posts about how it’s important to trust your gut and trust your intuition. Which makes us even more on edge - because then we think if we can’t be sure then we’re broken in some way. 

So let’s start with the meaning of intuition. Intuition is described as the ability to understand something instinctively, without the need for conscious reasoning. And an article on Psychology Today describes it as ‘a faculty in which hunches are generated by the unconscious mind rapidly sifting through past experience and cumulative knowledge.’ So your unconscious mind is noticing things - perhaps a slower response time or a shift in someone’s tone - and it’s then using your past experiences and knowledge to make an assessment. Now in some cases - that can be really useful. Our past experiences and knowledge can be useful in many situations for predicting outcomes and making decisions. 

But the problem is your past experiences and knowledge (as in the things you believe to be true) can also cause big problems when assessing a situation - because they can cloud your judgement and lead you to making assumptions based on the past and your own limiting beliefs, rather than reality. 

I remember one time I would use the term ‘gut feeling’ to describe what I was feeling - it was the morning of my driving test, and it was the 4th time I was taking the test. I remember texting my girlfriend saying ‘I just have a gut feeling I’m going to fail.’ And I really did. I just felt this knowing. I was certain I wasn’t going to pass. And for a moment I really believed that because I felt that certainty and knowing, that that meant it was true. 

Turns out - I did pass - it was 4th time lucky! So how do we explain my gut feeling? Well I’d failed 3 times. My brain had been through the experience of nerves on the morning of a test, the adrenaline of taking the test, and then the outcome of failing the test. That pattern had happened 3 times. So of course - when faced with the situation of another test - my brain's intuition - it’s hunch based on past experience and cumulative knowledge - was that I was going to fail.

And I’ve had similar things happen in my relationships, as well as seeing my clients face similar situations. For example - a client of mine had been cheated on in her past 2 relationships. So her brain was on red alert for it happening again. And so when her partner was being a little quieter and she noticed subtle changes in the way he was acting with his phone, taking it with him in moments he wouldn’t usually, hesitating before letting her borrow it - her brain felt an instant rush of anxiety.

Her brain had taken in the information - interpreted it - and the interpretation (the story) had created a feeling of anxiety in her body. She then believed this to be intuition and a gut feeling and therefore a sign of truth. And this is the other thing thats difficult about anxiety and intuition - we call intuition gut feelings, but anxiety is also a feeling that many of us feel in our guts. So it becomes even more confusing. This is why the blanket statement of ‘trust your gut’ can be so problematic when our brains are always spinning scary stories and narratives that we would be ill-advised to automatically trust.

But anyway she felt this anxiety and she text her friends saying she had a gut feeling he was cheating on her. She ended up looking through his phone at one point and found no evidence of cheating - but she did find some google searches looking for engagement rings. So here - her brain had picked up on subtle changes - which were real, his behaviour had in fact changed - but her interpretation of the story wasn’t factual. It was an assumption based on her past.

And our brains do notice things - changes in people’s behaviour, changes in someone’s breathing, changes in the way they’re talking or texting. Our brains are just noticing and registering a difference. And when we just notice that difference, with no added story - we feel calm and neutral. 

It’s the story we add to it that then creates our emotions e.g. This means they’re cheating, they’re mad at me, they’re lying to me. And what it would mean IF those things were true. So anxiety is always created by anxious thoughts in your brain. And the appearance of those anxious thoughts have nothing to do with the reality and whether those thoughts are true or not. 

We all know this to be true. You can think FOR SURE someone is mad at you, and then it turns out they were asleep and didn’t see your message. You can think someone is mad at you, and it turns out you’re right - they were annoyed so ignored your message. You thinking they’re mad, doesn’t mean it’s true one way or another. It just means your brain has offered you that thought.

And the problem we often run into is we believe that our brains are always telling us the truth. We think our brains are just observing reality and reporting it back exactly as it is. Which is not the case. Your brain is taking in the information, through your senses - sight, touch, taste, smell, sound - and then it’s processing it, making decisions about, translating it, interpreting it in order to make sense of it. And the interpretations your brain comes up with aren’t based on facts, it’s based on past experiences, your default ways of thinking about things, and fear (because as we all know - our primitive brains are designed to keep us safe, which makes fear a necessary default). 

Your subconscious brain is also always looking for evidence to prove it’s beliefs true. So if you have the belief that your friend isn’t as invested in the relationship as you are - then it makes sense that when taking in the information of a delayed text back, it’s going to jump to the conclusion that she’s ignoring you. Because that’s the assumption that best supports its existing belief. So your brain is not a reliable narrator. 

And I can imagine you asking - so what the hell are we supposed to do then Rebecca? If we can’t trust our own minds or our guts all of the time - how are we supposed to know what to think? And so I’m going to share with you what I believe to be the best steps in moments of anxiety or when you’re getting a ‘gut feeling’ about something and you’re unsure how to move forward.

Step number 1) Assess the facts. Your brain will want to instantly tell you all of its thoughts are facts, but remember - thoughts are assumptions and interpretations - facts are 100% true and provable. So for a moment really separate out the facts that you know with 100% certainty are true. Not what you intuitively think is true - what is a definitive fact, that everyone would agree on. For example ‘my boss has asked to call me at 5pm’ is a fact. ‘This means he’s definitely going to fire me’ is not.

Step number 2) Notice the assumption. What story has your brain decided is true here? What’s the interpretation your brain has chosen? And consider for a moment - why might my brain automatically jump to this? Based on my past experiences - does it make sense that my brain would go here? I’m reading a book about the nervous system at the moment and it mentions how where there’s lack of information - our subconscious minds will fill in the blanks using our past experiences. 

So where your brain isn’t certain or sure about something - it’ll make a decision based on your past experiences. And again - this can be really useful sometimes! If I was choosing between two jobs and I wasn’t certain which one to choose - my brain relying on my past experiences and making the best educated assumption it could would be really useful for me. So it’s not always a bad thing! But noticing what the facts are and what assumptions your brain is jumping to important if you want to be the one in charge and be the one managing your mind.

Then spend a moment questioning that story. How might I be wrong about this? What else could be true here? What evidence might my brain be dismissing when it tells me this? What other explanations or possibilities hasn’t my brain considered? Asking yourself these questions doesn’t necessarily mean talking yourself out of your assumption - it means putting your assumption under the microscope and really looking at it objectively. 

Then step 3 is to consider - where do I need more information? If you know your partner has been late home 3 nights this week, jumping to the conclusion they’re unhappy at home or having an affair wouldn’t likely be useful. But taking action to find out more information - like having a conversation with them and asking why that is - is going to help you gather more data. More information helps you to fill in more blanks, instead of allowing your subconscious brain to fill them in for you. So ask yourself - where might I need to find out more before jumping to conclusions? 

And the truth is - often we don’t know the truth about something straight away. And that’s okay. Many of us pride ourselves on our intuition and then shame ourselves if our intuition didn’t tell us that someone was going to cheat or turn out to be wrong for us. But remember - as I talk about it episode 26 - Why you don’t need to see it coming - expecting yourself to be psychic and predict the future, read people’s minds, or know facts of situations before they’re revealed to you is such an unfair expectation. 

You’re not supposed to intuitively tell if your partner is in a bad mood because he wants to end the relationship or because his boss was a d*ck to him at work. You’re not supposed to know intuitively whether someone has cheated or not. You don’t win a prize for guessing right. And you shouldn’t be shamed and judged for not knowing something that you have no way of knowing in that moment. Your only job is to respond to the facts of a situation as and when you become aware of it.

And I think the biggest reason I think we’re so determined to rely on intuition and gut feelings is out of a desire to feel certain. We want to believe that there’s a magical knowing we can tap into that will protect us from ever getting our hearts broken up being surprised by something bad happening. And then we can feel safe. But the reality is - we can’t escape the uncertainty of life. And the more we try and create safety by predicting the future and controlling things happening outside of us - ironically the less safe we feel. 

The safety we need to create is safety within ourselves. The safety of believing that whatever happens outside of us - we can handle it. That if it turns out they are mad at us, or they do leave, or they are lying - we can weather that storm. We can handle the pain. And that we’ll be okay and have our own backs throughout life’s ups and downs. Which is something I talked a lot about in my last episode, so check that one out if you haven’t already.

So there you have it - my take on intuition vs anxiety. If this is something you struggle with and you often feel unable to manage your anxious thoughts, especially in your relationships - then my 12 week group coaching programme could not come at a better time for you. Doors to enrol in Master Your Relationship Mind Drama are officially OPEN. And this is where you’ll be able to learn all about the tools and concepts I discuss on this podcast but on a much deeper level - AND learn how to actually apply them to your own unique situations and your own unique brain.

We will begin the week of the 15th January - and you will get to choose between a group on Monday’s at 12pm GMT (which is UK time) or Tuesday’s at 7pm GMT. Every round I have people from all over the world - it all takes place on Zoom - so don’t panic if you’re not from the UK. Just convert those times into your own timezone and see which would work best for you. When you sign up I’ll be asking which group you’d like to be in based on your timezone and schedule.

Throughout the programme - we meet every week for 90 minutes (on those set group times). And each week we’ll be covering a different part of my online programme - which you also get access to when you enrol. We’ll be covering things like processing emotions, managing and challenging thoughts, manuals and expectations of others, people pleasing, boundaries, your thoughts about YOU and so much more.

And as well as the group calls and access to my online programme - you also get 3 1:1s with me across the 12 weeks AND access to a Facebook group where I can support you and provide feedback in between our sessions. And of course where you will be able to get to know the other members and support them on their journeys too!

Without the discount it’s £250 per month or £750 in full - and I’ll put the link with all the details and FAQs included in the information section of this episode. So definitely go and check that out! You have until next Saturday the 13th to sign up and spots are limited - because I like to keep the groups small - and last time the spots went a while before doors were supposed to close - so definitely act fast if you know this is for you.

If you have any questions at all - come and find me on Instagram or email me at rebecca@rebeccaorecoaching.com. 

And finally, can I ask you to do something for me? Could you go ahead and give the podcast a little rating on whatever platform you’re listening from? This is how I can keep reaching more people and spreading the word of this work. 

Okay guys - have an amazing weekend and I hope to see you in the group coaching programme! Bye!