In this episode - I'm answering 5 questions written in by listeners!
Topics include:
Mentioned in the episode:
In this episode - I'm answering 5 questions written in by listeners!
Topics include:
Mentioned in the episode:
Hey everyone! How’re you all doing! I am so excited for this episode - it is a listener Q&A, which means those of you on my email list were sent an email inviting you to submit a question for me to answer on this episode. And if you’re not on my email list, this is a sign to go and get yourself on it! I send 3 emails each week - one about the podcast, and 2 with relationship tips and advice on coaching your own brains. So it’s the place to be! I’ll put a link to where you can sign up in the information section of this episode.
I had quite a lot of entries - which is great - and I’ve picked 5 out that I feel cover a wide variety of topics and situations. There were some requests on exes and jealousy - I have recently done an episode called mind drama about their ex, it’s number 58, so definitely go and give that a listen if that was a topic on your mind too! I’ll of course do future episodes revisiting it, but that’s a good place for you to start.
Okay, let’s dive into the questions. I will summarise some of them for the sake of time, and I of course won’t divulge any names or personal details. Okay, here we go!
So question 1 - “How do I get past my partner's flirty personality with others and have confidence and trust that he's not going to cheat? He said he was completely unaware until I addressed it and says he’s just "being nice" but as an insecure person it really bothers me and makes me feel like he's interested in them. I've addressed this with him and he's made improvements but I worry about when I'm not around. He's someone that likes to feel important and I try to make him feel important but don't know if it's truly meeting his need. We've also been together for 13 years and our relationship has been through a lot and fizzled out some.”
Okay - so the first thing I want to draw the listener's attention to is the word ‘flirty.’ So when our brains are talking to us, they’ll say things like ‘he’s being flirty’ and we’ll take that as a fact. Like our brain is just noticing the reality and reporting it back. But flirty is not actually a factual circumstance, it’s your brain's interpretation of what’s happening. In his mind, he may not see it as being flirty - like he said, in his mind he’s just being nice. So first getting clear on the actual facts of his behaviour is important.
And it sounds like your brain has decided that his behaviour - whatever the facts of it are - is a sign that he’s going to cheat on you. And it makes sense your brain would jump to that - because brains are always trying to protect us from future negative emotion. But we want to really challenge your brain on this leap. Is that really the only thing this could mean? Is it possible he could have a ‘flirty’ personality AND still be a loving and faithful partner? What evidence is there that suggests this could be true?
I’ve coached so many women on the fear of being cheated on, and for a lot of them, their partner doesn’t even interact that much with other women - yet their brain still finds a reason to feel anxious and afraid. And I think this could be true here too. Even if he didn’t have this flirty personality - do you think your brain would suddenly be totally chill and have no worries or fears about him leaving you? It likely still would! Because it’s a human brain, trying to create a feeling of safety.
Which leads me to the next crucial part of coaching your brain on this. We can’t change him, and we can’t control whether he cheats on you. But what you can do is let go of trying to predict or control whether that happens, and focus on believing that you will be okay, even if it does. Consider for a moment - if he did one day cheat - what would be the worst thing about that? What emotions are you most afraid to experience? And what thoughts would you be thinking? What would you make it mean about you, or your future?
You said ‘how can I trust that he’s not going to cheat’ - and my answer is, we can challenge your brain’s assumption that being flirty equals cheating, and I definitely think you should challenge that assumption. But we can’t convince your brain there’s a 0% chance of him cheating, because there’s always a 1% chance anyone could cheat. So a better question is - how can I trust myself to handle being cheated on? What am I most afraid it would mean if I was, and how can I challenge THOSE beliefs and trust myself to be okay?
Now, I also want to add - depending on what the facts of his behaviour are - you may decide they’re a dealbreaker for you. You’ve been with him for 13 years, and I’m assuming he’s probably been this way since the beginning, as you said it’s part of his personality. So we can safely say, this isn’t going to drastically change - he may modify his behaviour in ways - but this is who he is. And that’s a great thing! We want him to be exactly who he is! And accept him for that.
And for certain people in this situation - it could be that certain behaviours are crossing a boundary or wouldn’t be a match for what the person is looking for. I don’t get the feeling this applies to you listener, sounds like his behaviour isn’t crossing a boundary and wouldn’t be a dealbreaker - I could be wrong - but that’s not the impression I’m getting. So my advice to you is to focus on 1) Challenging your beliefs around what his behaviour means. Your assuming it means he’s interested in them - is that really the case? How might that not be true? What might his thoughts and feelings be when he behaves that way? And could he behave that way AND still love you and want to be faithful to you?
And then 2) Look at the thoughts and feelings that would come up IF he did cheat. What would you make that mean?
Okay next question - So this listener said she’s been single for 2 years and has now met a guy who she is currently just friends with but who she has grown to like in a romantic way. She said ‘I seem to have developed expectations from him because I like him. Obviously he's not treating me like a girlfriend and certain behaviour of his (such as responding to texts after 2 days) is making me anxious. Do you have any suggestions?’
So my first question is - have you been upfront and honest about your feelings for him and what you’d like out the relationship? Because as you said - he’s currently treating you as a friend, because of the dynamic of your current relationship - so if you want to change that dynamic and you’d like more from him - finding out if he’s on the same page and would be available for that kind of relationship is really important. Because then if he’s not, you can move forward with that information.
But what’s most important here is the anxiety. So anxiety of course means there’s something our brain is afraid of. So when he’s not text back for 2 days and you feel anxious - it’s because of something going on in your brain. Your brain has attached meaning to this that we need to look into. So get curious - what comes up in your brain when he hasn’t responded?
Your brain may say - he doesn’t like me in the way I like him - let’s say that’s the thought. You then need to go a little deeper and ask your brain, okay so what? IF that was true brain, so what? What am I making that mean? And the answer is likely the real source of your anxiety. For example - if he doesn’t feel the same about me, it means I’m not good enough or attractive enough, or I want ever find someone that likes me etc. And those are the thoughts we need to challenge.
So get curious about what the deeper fear is here and then challenge it. Ask yourself: Why would I make it mean this? How isn’t that true? What else could be true? What else could I make it mean about me?
And finally, whenever we have expectations for someone else - that we’re really wanting them to follow - it’s because of what we imagine we’d get to feel if they just did those things. So in these moments, your brain believes IF he just text you back faster then you’d get to have a better experience, or a more positive emotion. But what if you could feel that positive emotion, regardless of when he text back?
Ask yourself, what would I get to feel if he text back faster? And what would I be believing that would create those emotions? How can I believe those things NOW without him following my manual. Again, if your brain says ‘I’d get to believe he liked me’ go one deeper - and then what? If you believed he liked you, then what would you get to believe about yourself? Because whether he likes you or not, you get to feel confident, secure, loved, and happy. Him liking you isn’t a prerequisite for those emotions. And working on feeling those emotions now is going to be a gamechanger for your entire dating experience.
Okay number 3 is from a mother talking about her young daughter - she doesn’t say the age. She says, ‘I find myself completely overthinking and catastrophising aspects of her personality and worrying how she comes across to others, specifically other kids and parents in social settings. My boyfriend doesn't think there's anything to worry about but I find myself overthinking the way she acts, and worrying if other people think it's normal. For example, if she's shy in certain settings and other kids are playing or being more outgoing I feel like it's a reflection on me as a mother and it's my fault she's like that? And sometimes I feel myself getting angry and wanting her to behave a certain way instead. I know it sounds mad, it sounds mad to me when I say it out loud and I feel guilty but it's something I just can't shake off or understand. Can you explain why I might feel this way? I don't want to feel this way as I love my daughter so much and she's lovely and amazing so why am I so critical of her?!’
Great question - and I want to start by encouraging this listener to have so much compassion for herself and her brain here. When we shame and judge ourselves for certain thought patterns, we block ourselves off from actually understanding them - because we’re not able to get curious about them. So try and drop the judgement, and drop into curiosity.
And what I’d say is clear from what you wrote in is, the reason your brain is so obsessed with her behaviour is because of what you’d make it mean about you. You said ‘I feel like it’s a reflection on me as a mother and it’s my fault she’s like that.’ So when your prepared to beat yourself up and shame yourself for your daughter's behaviour - no wonder your brain is on red alert for what she’s doing or not doing.
If what she does at a playdate that night could either result in you getting to feel like an amazing mother or a terrible mother - of course your brain is going to be very invested in that and fixated on it. So the good news here is it’s actually not about your daughter at all, it’s about your thoughts about yourself as a mother. Your brain is fixating on judging and criticising her, because it knows that if she behaves in a way you or someone else has negative thoughts about - you will then judge and criticise YOURSELF.
Now of course, that’s not me saying that you don’t care about her and also want the best for her, of course you do. And maybe in some situations, you may decide she does need behavioural support or therapy, or some other kind of professional support. But you’ll find it really difficult to make those decisions from a calm and rational place when your worth and value as a parent, and the fear of your own self judgement, is clouding your brain.
Your brain also thinks there is a ‘normal’ way children should act - which is also useful to challenge. Is there one normal way children should behave when playing with other children? Does someone not behaving in that way ultimately end up in a terrible place in life with no hope or prospects? Who decides what normal is? Notice how your brain is being very black and white here - normal or not normal - she’ll be okay or it’ll be a catastrophe.
Right now you’re wanting her to act in a certain way so that you can believe you’re a good mother. Which of course is going to drive your brain crazy - because you can’t control how she acts. So your homework, listener, is to work on redefining your definition of being a good parent - and make it something that has nothing to do with how your child turns out. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s important. Because you don’t actually control the little brain in that person. You don’t control the choices she makes, how she acts, or the way her life turns out.
Of course - your influence matters - your parenting does help to shape and mould her. But it doesn’t guarantee any particular outcome. You could give her the most amazing upbringing, which of course is totally subjective, and she could still end up behaving in ways you don’t love - and let’s face it, she probably will - because she’s young and she’s going to do things you don’t like and get it wrong sometimes. A coach I love always says, we all end up in therapy - regardless of what our parents did or didn’t do. And it’s so true! I’m yet to meet a person who wouldn’t benefit from therapy. And it’s not because their parents broke them, it’s because they’re a human with a human brain. Which your daughter is too!
So ask yourself, what can I control about how I show up as a mother? If I can’t control her, which you can’t, what is in my area of control? And really define that for yourself. Then I want you to focus on the way you speak to yourself about your parenting. It sounds like you have a really mean voice in your head, ready to berate you at every chance it gets. So watch out for that voice and challenge it. If it tells you you’ve messed up, or that something’s your fault - take a moment to separate out the facts of the situation - and offer yourself a more compassionate thought.
Can you believe you’re a good, caring mother - even if your child is quieter than other children? Can you believe you’re a good, caring mother - even if your child does something you really don’t like and others have negative thoughts about? Can you believe you’re a good, caring mother - whose child swore at a teacher - for example, you didn’t say that happened, I’m just making up an example! And my point is - you get to believe these things about yourself - through all the struggles your child faces. And she will 100% face struggles - she will have difficulties to overcome, challenges to face, and she’ll make big mistakes in her life - simply because she’s a messy, imperfect human.
And I’ll offer you a few thoughts to try on - I am the perfect mother for this child, because I’m the one she has / My child is going to be a flawed, imperfect human - and that’s exactly how she’s supposed to be / I am an imperfect, loving mother, doing her best - and that’s more than enough / No matter what happens, I can choose to be kind and compassionate to myself. Play around with similar thoughts and find ones that feel good to your brain.
Okay question 4 - ‘I’m 51 and I’ve been in a situationship for the past eight months with a man who left a twenty year marriage two years ago. He has two kids (19 and 17) with whom he has great relationships. Initially he appeared reasonably secure and he says he likes and cares about me. But I’ve realised he is quite avoidant and it’s been triggering my anxious attachment stuff. As he’s so honest and gentle it’s been a good opportunity for me to work through a lot of my stuff (like not always making things mean something negative about me!) My question is how do I tell the difference between ‘making the most’ of circumstances to grow as a person and ‘tolerating’ less than ideal situations? I feel like I want to know him/have him in my life and this is not only ‘better than nothing’ but actively healing in some ways, but lots of advice is about ‘deserving more’ etc and sometimes I don’t trust my own judgement anymore!
Okay great question. So this is going to require you to really reflect on your own wants and desires for a relationship and your current reasons for choosing to date him. Him and what he’s available to offer you is a totally neutral circumstance. And by that I mean - it isn’t good or bad, right or wrong - it just is. And someone else could think it’s PERFECT and just what they’re looking for, for someone else it could not quite be a match and they want more time together or more affection.
When we see things on Instagram about deserving more and how relationships should look - it’s often a very black and white approach that doesn’t consider how we’re all different and we all want different things from our relationships. Some people are in amazing relationships but choose not to live together. Some people see each other every day, others once a week. There is no one right way to ‘do’ a relationship - so getting curious about what kind of relationship you’d love to have is really important here. Not the kind you think you should be having.
So get really honest with yourself about what it is you’re really looking for out of a relationship and then consider - is this person a match for that? If you’re wanting more face to face time, or someone who you can do certain activities with - consider, if this person isn’t able to do these things - what are my thoughts about that and is it a dealbreaker? And your reasons will be your indicator here - because there’s a difference between staying with someone who isn’t available to see you as much as you’d like because it’s not that much of a big deal to you, versus staying because you don’t believe there’s anyone else out there and so you have to stay and settle for something that isn’t quite what you want.
So pay attention to your reasons. And either way - the growth is available to you. Growth is just you owning your emotions and challenging your own insecure thoughts and beliefs. So you could choose to do that and stay, or do that and leave.
Okay, question 5. She says ‘My question is how do you know if an action you have observed by your partner warrants further “investigation”? An example is my boyfriend has been stressed with work this week and I started observing his behaviour as kind of strange. He takes his phone into the washroom as he always has but he took it into the shower with him. I chalked it up to it being the fact he just got a new phone. Then my next observation was that my brain perceived him to keep tilting the screen away from me when he was using it. This could be just the way he was sitting on the couch but my brain is making up these stories even when there could be a reasonable innocent explanation for it. I’m conflicted because he will also keep it face up on the table not hiding the notifications. I don’t want to check his phone, that used to be my default in previous relationships but I listened to your podcast and don’t want to show up that way.
My question is when you observe something that could be seen as a “red flag” behaviour how do you go about it? I almost don’t want to confront because there are no facts about him doing anything wrong. I’m just observing his behaviour is different but it could be that my brain is making up his behaviour being different.’
Okay great question. So this is where getting clear on the facts of a situation is so important - because our brains will always try to interpret the facts through the lens of our own fears and negative beliefs. So separating the facts first - which you’ve done, partner on phone positioned away from me - and then challenging what you’re making that mean and what else it could mean. What else could it mean other than the worst case scenario your brain has jumped to? What might be going on in their brain when they do that? Are they comfy in that position? Could they be planning a surprise for you? Get curious.
You said right now, from starting to do this, you can see other perfectly reasonable explanations - for example - for him taking his phone to the washroom (he’s always done it and he’s also just got a new phone). But your brain is going to still want to jump to the worst case scenario because it’s always trying to protect you from future negative emotion. It’s like a little person stood at the top of a lighthouse, scanning the horizon for danger.
And I think we often feel a sense of urgency in these situations, like we’re supposed to be able to know exactly what’s going to happen and see things coming - so our brain is on red alert looking for signs all of the time. But all that leads to is us feeling anxious and hyper vigilant and ruining our experience in the relationship. And it doesn’t actually protect us from any pain, if or when it does happen, we’ve just happens for months ahead of time - just in case!
So there’s 3 key steps here to work on. The first is focusing on the facts and challenging your assumption about what they mean. Is that really what it means? What evidence is there that might not be true? What else could be true?
Doing this first will help you determine if the situation warrants further investigation - as you put it. So you can then consider - do I need more information? If the facts are that a behaviour has changed, and you’re unsure why - ask yourself, how do I want to show up to find out more? I always advise my clients to approach this with curiosity - rather than jumping to accusations and blaming - get curious and ask your partner what’s going on for them, genuinely wanting to understand, instead of assuming the worst. And step 1 should have helped you see that your knee-jerk assumption wasn’t the only available explanation, so you can then get into curiosity mode with them and ask them about what it is you’re noticing.
And finally - the most important step - you have to work on reassuring your brain you can handle any situation that comes your way. Because if you do step 1 and you come to the conclusion that there isn’t really any significant change that you want to ask more questions about - and that your brain is just jumping to an anxious story - your brain is likely to say to you ‘Yes, but what if I’m right?! What if he IS messaging someone else?!’
And that question will never be satisfied, not even by checking his phone - because hey! He could have deleted the messages. The only way to satisfy that question is to reassure your brain that if actual evidence of wrongdoing comes to light - you will be able to handle it.
So get curious - what part of you doesn’t believe that right now? What is your brain most afraid it would mean if something did happen? What thoughts and feelings are you most afraid to experience? Challenging those thoughts and coaching your brain through them is how you can start to let go of trying to predict what happens, because you’ll trust yourself to be okay no matter what.
Some thoughts I’d love to offer you, and any one that relates to this is - ‘I can only respond to the facts of a situation as and when they’re revealed to me.’ / ‘Right now - there is nothing for me to respond to and I trust myself to handle any situation that arises.’ / ‘No matter what happens, I get to choose what I make it mean about me and my future.’
Again - play with these thoughts and find ones that feel good for you and your unique brain.
Okay guys, that’s all I’ve got for you today! I hope it was useful. The next round of my group coaching is in May so I’ll put the link for the waitlist in the information section of his episode.
If you’re loving this podcast, please could you do a little something for me? Could you give it a rating on whatever podcast it is you’re listening from? That would mean the absolute world to me and keep me reaching more and more people with this work! I hope you all have lovely weekends, and I will speak to you all next week - bye!