Are you continuously feeling pretty terrible in your relationships, knowing you need to change the way you think, but have no idea where to start?
Are you showing up in ways you don't like and want to get address the root cause?
Or have you been following this podcast for a while and feel like you need a little more help on actually changing the thoughts creating your pain?
Then this episode is for you!
Mentioned in the episode:
Are you continuously feeling pretty terrible in your relationships, knowing you need to change the way you think, but have no idea where to start?
Are you showing up in ways you don't like and want to get address the root cause?
Or have you been following this podcast for a while and feel like you need a little more help on actually changing the thoughts creating your pain?
Then this episode is for you!
Mentioned in the episode:
Hey guys! How’s everyone doing! I can’t believe it but there’s only a couple of weeks left of my current round of group coaching - it has honestly flown by, it’s crazy! And then there’ll be a little break in between before the next round begins in May. And it’s strange, it’s always so bittersweet because each round I meet such amazing people and form connections with them and get to see them develop and learn and grow and then we have to say goodbye - but at the same time, it’s exciting to meet the new faces in the next round and start the process all over again. So - that’s where I’m at right now, feeling bittersweet.
For those interested in the programme and want to know more, stay tuned until the end and I’ll give you all the details. But for now - let’s dive into today’s episode. So today’s topic is something that is basically the bread and butter of what I’m helping you do as a coach, and what I’ll be helping you do if you join the next round of MYRMD, which is - think and feel differently!
So if you’re not new to this podcast, you already know the drill here - our thoughts are what create our feelings and drive all the actions we take and how we show up in our relationships. And our actions are what creates all of our results in life. So our thoughts are pretty damn important. And if you’re new to this podcast - welcome! And there’s a little crash course in why managing your mind is so so important.
Because most of us are wandering round the planet just reacting to the sentences, the thoughts, that our primitive brains offer to us. Thoughts that aren’t true. Thoughts that aren’t useful and don’t help us create the results we want. And thoughts that are incredibly painful, and that can cause so much unnecessary disconnection and suffering in our relationships. But no one ever teaches us that we can actually stop - reflect on our default thinking - and then choose something else. I honestly think they should teach it in schools! As a life skill.
So in this episode, I want to help guide you through the process of firstly - identifying the thought you maybe want to change. And secondly - actually changing it and finding a new, better thought. So let’s just dive straight in!
First things first - you have to identify the problem thought. So where I often see people going wrong with this, is they notice they’re in emotional pain in some way - or maybe they’re taking some actions they don’t want to be taking. So they try to change their thinking to either feel better or to change their behaviour. But they don’t actually know why they’re feeling so bad in the first place.
So let’s say they notice they keep feeling anxious and insecure when their partner goes on nights out and they maybe act in ways they don’t like when they feel that way - so they want to change their thinking and feel more secure. Before you can do that - you have to really understand the thoughts creating your current feelings and behaviour. You have to really understand the problem in order to change it.
So first things first - you have to get clear on the facts that your brain believes is the problem. Write them down. E.g. My partner is going on a night out on Saturday with friends. Maybe those are the facts your brain believes is a problem. Then ask yourself these 3 questions: So what? Why is this a problem? What am I making this mean? Asking these questions, and writing down what comes up is going to help you to identify the problem thought - the thought that you need to change in order to change your feeling.
If you’re trying to change a behaviour of yours and you’re unsure why you keep doing it - you have to kind of work backwards. So you remember me saying thoughts create feelings that drive actions. Well if you know what the action is - you need to then ask yourself: How am I feeling when I act that way? What’s the emotion I’m feeling? And then - what is the thought I’m thinking that makes me feel that emotion? Working backwards like that will again show your brain what the the problem thought is, the thought driving that behaviour.
And if you’re unsure if thinking a certain way is a problem - ask yourself: How does this thought make me feel? And how am I likely to act when I feel this way? Is this going to serve me? Or isn’t it? What results am I likely to create from thinking this way? For example - I had a client once who had a thought about her boss. The thought was: She’s a control-freak. And whenever she thought this, she felt very angry and judgemental. Her action was to bitch about her boss, and be on red alert for any signs her boss was trying to micromanage her, so she read into situations through that lens, and she felt miserable every single day. She also stopped trying to take initiative at work, because her brain kept saying - ‘What’s the point! She’s a control freak, so she’ll never let you do that!’
Meaning she stopped herself from creating opportunities for autonomy and independence. So the thought was not useful. It didn’t serve her in any way to keep going into work with that thought in her head. So consider - does this thought serve me? And if it doesn’t - that’s reason enough to consider an alternative.
Okay - step 2) You need to check for any deeper level thoughts that need to be addressed. For example - you could have the thought ‘My friend is being rude’ when the circumstance is that she hasn’t text you back. But that isn’t actually the deeper level thought causing the pain. And I did some training with one of my favourite teachers, Kara Loewenthile, that taught me this trick of asking - ‘IF your initial thought is true, so what?’ So if it IS true that your friend is rude, so what? What are you making that mean? Why is that a problem?
Because what’s usually underneath that thought is ‘It means she doesn’t care about me’ ‘It means I’m not likeable enough or interesting enough’ - and THOSE are the thoughts you’re going to need to challenge in order to feel better. Coaching yourself on whether to think she’s rude or not won’t be as powerful as coaching yourself on what you make her behaviour mean about you and your likeability.
So to check for deeper, painful thoughts - ask yourself these questions: If my surface level thought is true - so what? What would that mean? What am I making this situation mean about me? And when in doubt, keep asking your brain - so what? So what? So what? So what? - will keep peeling back layers and may lead you to a thought that you didn’t know you had, but that’s creating a lot of pain.
For example - one of my clients has an ex who is now dating someone new. And her brain kept offering her the thought ‘He prefers her to me.’ Now - we have no idea if that’s true or not. But of course it’s a possibility that he does think his new partner is a better match for him than my client was - who knows! That could be true.
So a better question for my client to ask herself was, okay so what if that’s true? Rather than trying to change her thought to believe he prefers her or wants her back - she needed to understand why IF that thought is true, why it’s a problem. What would it mean about her if he does think this new woman is more attractive or more interesting or he has more in common with her.
And what that questioning lead my client to was - if he prefers someone else, it means I’m not good enough or attractive enough. And that was the thought she needed to challenge and change. Why one man having a preference for someone else would mean something about her enoughness or attractiveness in general. Which is such a common thought I coach clients on, it comes up for all of us.
Okay so once you’ve discovered the thoughts creating your pain - you have to spend time questioning the problem thought. All my clients want to skip this step. They want to just quickly escape the pain they’re in, and find a thought that feels better. And so they rush and they just try and jump to a nicer thought, without really slowing down to challenge their original thinking. And so usually their new thought doesn’t stick, or they struggle to even come up with one - because they’ve not slowed down to understand where their brain is at and poke holes in their own logic.
So spend some time with the unintentional thought. Get curious about it. Imagine it’s on the witness stand in a courtroom, and you're the prosecution lawyer. Interrogate the thought. Try and look at it from all angles. I’m going to be offering a freebie in a few weeks for a really comprehensive questioning your thoughts cheat sheet - so stay tuned for that, I’ll let you know when and where you can download it from.
But to get you started in the meantime, ask yourself these questions (And feel free to pause and write these questions down so you have them for your own thought work): Is that really true? How might it not be true? What else could be true? What is my brain not considering when it tells me this? What evidence might it be ignoring that suggests the opposite is true? What would someone who thought the opposite believe? Would I think this was true for someone else in the same situation? Why or why not? Does thinking this way serve me? What would my higher self (or future self - whichever you prefer and resonates more) what would they say about this?
Writing out these kinds of questions and writing out your answers helps you walk your brain through finding other alternatives. It shows your brain that the way you were currently thinking about it was just one option. So don’t skip this step! It is so so important.
Okay so time for the fun part - brainstorming new thoughts! We have to brainstorm new thoughts and see how they feel when we think them. And I remember one of my teachers, I can’t remember who it was now, but she said to think of trying on new thoughts like trying on new clothes. What I like and feels good to me, might not feel good to you. So just like trying on a new dress or a new pair of jeans - you have to try it on - see if it’s a fit and how it feels.
Different thoughts are going to create different feelings in your body. Different sentences will create different emotional sensations. And even changing the slight wording of a thought can change the way it feels in your body massively. And remember - if you don’t believe a thought, it’s not going to create any emotional shift in your body. And the goal here is to find thoughts that FEEL better in your body when you think them. Thoughts that create more of the emotion you want to create. So thinking thoughts that you don’t believe, won’t do anything. Because they won’t create any kind of emotion in your body. So the idea is to try out thinking different thoughts until you find one that feels even 10% better than your current negative thought. You can maybe go more positive than that - that’s great! But even 10% less shitty, is a good step forward.
You can use the answers you came up with when you were questioning your current thought - that’s useful. And remember - it’s important that your new thought actually addresses the problem thought. For example, if your problem thought is ‘My partner not initiating sex means I’m unattractive’ then practising the thought ‘My partner shows me they love me in lots of other ways’ is likely not going to make you feel any better. Because while yes - that’s true - you're not addressing the fact that you're basing what you think about yourself, and your attractiveness, on whether they’re in the mood for sex or not.
So consider: How would I love to feel about this situation? What might someone who felt that emotion in this situation be believing? Write down everything your brain comes up with. So for example - if you want to feel secure, ask yourself - what would someone who felt secure in themselves be thinking? What would they be believing about themselves? If you want to feel confident - what would someone who felt confident be believing? Or calm?
Look at the problem thought and ask yourself, what could I possibly believe that takes me even slightly away from this thought being true? Again, use the answers you came up with when you were questioning the thought to help guide you here. And make sure your new thought addresses that problem thought.
And as your brainstorm, notice how each thought makes you feel. If one doesn’t really resonate or feel believable - that’s okay. Try out another. Remember, it’s like trying on clothes - you might need to try on lots of different options before you find one that feels good. And if you’re struggling to find thoughts that feel believable, you’re likely aiming for thoughts that are too positive. Thoughts that sound more like positive affirmations that you’d read on Instagram quotes or sown into cushions.
And while there’s nothing wrong with those kinds of phrases - they have to be believable to your brain for them to create any kind of emotional impact. So if your brain isn’t ready to believe ‘I’m worthy and valuable no matter what’ then practising thinking that thought isn’t going to be useful. It would be like me practising the thought ‘I’m an alien from Mars’ - I won’t suddenly wake up and believe that if I say it to myself enough.
So consider - what might be a more neutral sounding thought. And I have some tips on how to find more neutral thoughts. One is - open the thought with ‘It's possible’ or ‘I’m open to believing’. So for example, ‘It’s possible my partner can love me, and not share my texting habits’. Or ‘I’m open to believing that my partner's sex drive is a reflection of their brain in that moment, and not my attractiveness.’
Another is to hold two things as true at the same time, so ‘I’m sometimes insecure and sometimes I’m confident’ or ‘Sometimes I’m great at my job and sometimes I make mistakes’ - see how this is a more balanced, neutral view. If you’re working on your thoughts about yourself or your body, getting super neutral and facty can help. So instead of ‘My stomach is disgusting’ you could try ‘I have a human stomach’.
Again - not all thoughts are going to resonate with your brain. Your job is to play around until you create a thought that does feel better and believable to you. Then your job is to practise them! It’s no good to come up with a new thought, and then never think it again. You have to keep intentionally thinking it, over and over, on purpose. Not just when you’re triggered. But proactively, even when you’re not in the situation or triggered by it.
Practise thinking that thought - imagine yourself in the situation you’d love to feel it in - and allow yourself to feel that shift in your emotion. Think of it like a mental dress rehearsal - and the more you think a thought, the stronger the neural pathways become, which mean it will start to become your brain’s default way of thinking. I also want to say that - while you’re in the process of repeatedly practising your new thought, your old thought is still going to want to come up and is going to still be your brain’s default help. Your brain’s habit thought.
That’s okay! My clients often do this - they make the appearance of their old thought mean something terrible, that they’re not doing it right - that their thought hasn’t worked. But remember - brains work through repetition. And right now, you’ve repeatedly thought your old thought a hell of a lot more times than the new baby thought you just came up with moments ago.
So don’t take the old thought appearing as a sign that anything has gone wrong or a reason to panic. Just notice it. And redirect your brain to your NEW intentional thought. The more you think this way, the more natural it will become - and soon, it will be your brain's default thought about whatever the situation or subject matter is.
Doing this work honestly changed my life and I teach you how to properly use and apply thought work tools to your own life in my 12 week group coaching programme - Master Your Relationship Mind Drama. So if right now you feel like it all sounds good and makes sense, but you’re really struggling with challenging your default thoughts on your own, or coming up with alternatives - this is where having the guidance of a coach is going to be really powerful for you. I definitely wouldn’t be where I am now without the help of some brilliant coaching minds, helping me to see blindspots I didn’t even know I had!
The next round is in May and when I open the doors, there will be a 10% discount available for the first 24 hours. So I’ll put the link for the waitlist in the information section of his episode and I highly recommend you go get yourself on the list. This round has been amazing and the next round is going to be even better! So you do not want to miss it! If you have any questions at all - my email address is in the show notes or come find me on Instagram and ask me any questions at all.
And, as always, If you’re loving this podcast, please could you do a little something for me? Could you give it a rating on whatever podcast it is you’re listening from? That would mean the absolute world to me and keep me reaching more and more people with this work! I hope you all have lovely weekends, and I will speak to you all next week - bye!