Are you terrified of your partner cheating on you or leaving you... because you're convinced you could NEVER be happy with someone else?
Does your brain tell you the dating pool is too small? Or you'd be too old to find someone else?
Or that no one would EVER be as good as your partner?
These scarcity beliefs fuel so much anxiety in our relationships.
And in this episode I'm going to discuss them in detail AND offer you 3 new beliefs that will help you break out of scarcity thinking.
Mentioned in the episode:
Are you terrified of your partner cheating on you or leaving you... because you're convinced you could NEVER be happy with someone else?
Does your brain tell you the dating pool is too small? Or you'd be too old to find someone else?
Or that no one would EVER be as good as your partner?
These scarcity beliefs fuel so much anxiety in our relationships.
And in this episode I'm going to discuss them in detail AND offer you 3 new beliefs that will help you break out of scarcity thinking.
Mentioned in the episode:
Hey guys! How’s everyone doing? I am so excited for this episode - but before I dive into it I want to just mention that doors to my 12 week group coaching programme, Master Your Relationship Mind Drama open in just 2 weeks time! And when the doors open there will be a 24 hour discount of 10% off. So if you’re keen to be a part of this next round, make sure to get yourself on the waitlist - I’ll drop the link in the information section of this episode. I am so so excited for this next round and there were so many amazing success stories from the last round that I’ll be sharing on Instagram over the next few weeks, so definitely keep an eye out on there too!
So if you're an avid listener of this podcast, but you’re really struggling with challenging your default thoughts on your own, or dealing with your own unique situations - this is where having the guidance of a coach is going to be really powerful for you. I definitely wouldn’t be where I am now without the help of some brilliant coaching minds, helping me to see blindspots I didn’t even know I had! And again - head to the information section of this episode and click the link to find out all the details about the programme. And then feel free to drop me and email or an Instagram message with any burning questions you have.
Okay - so in today’s episode, I want to talk about some of the beliefs keeping my clients terrified of being cheated on or broken up with. So a lot of my clients are in relationships, but are constantly afraid of What IF their partner leaves them one day? Or WHAT IF they’re cheating? And so I want to address a few of the beliefs that I see fuelling this fear.
And you’ll have heard me say on this podcast before that it isn’t breaking up with someone that we’re afraid of - it’s not the actual circumstance of someone rejecting us that is so terrifying to our brains. It’s the emotion we’d imagine we’d have IF they broke up with us that we’re afraid of. Emotion you’d feel created by certain thoughts.
Your brain is constantly trying to protect you from negative emotion - so it makes sense that it would be resistant to and hypervigilant about something happening in the future that it predicts you’d have a lot of negative emotion about.
And this is true for everything - the reason we want anything in life is because of the emotion we imagine we’ll feel if we get it. You want that new car so you can feel happy and excited as you drive it - or you want that promotion so you can feel proud or secure in your abilities. We want the thing because of how we imagine we’ll feel if we get it. And the same is true for what we don’t want. We don’t want our partners to break up with us because of what we’d feel if they did. Maybe it’s sadness, grief, shame, regret. Those emotions are what we’re actually most afraid of.
And so I’ve talked in previous episodes about clean vs dirty pain. But just to summarise, clean pain is the negative emotion we’d want to feel if a situation happened. For example - you want to be disappointed if your flight gets cancelled just before you go on holiday - you don’t want to feel happy or neutral about that. Just like you would likely want to feel sadness and grieve the ending of your relationship, if your partner ever broke up with you. You wouldn’t want to be happy or just not care - because that would be really strange, you loved them and you didn’t want it to end. So negative emotion is a normal response to that.
But what I wanted to talk about today isn’t the intentional, clean pain of going through a break up. What I wanted to talk about is the dirty pain. And dirty pain is the pain created by thoughts you would not choose on purpose. Thoughts that are very painful and create so much unnecessary suffering. And usually these thoughts are about what the situation means about us or for our future. So for example - the fact they broke up with me means I’m not attractive enough or loveable enough - that’s a dirty pain thought. You wouldn’t want to choose it intentionally. Or this means I’ll never find someone else. You’re projecting this circumstance and making it mean something for your future - another unintentional, incredibly painful thought.
And 9/10 when a client of mine is very afraid of their relationship ending, or being cheated on, or lied to, or whatever it is - it isn’t because they’re afraid of the clean pain. What they’re afraid of is the dirty pain. They’ve decided that that thing happening means something about them or their future - and that is why their brain is so afraid. So in today’s episode I wanted to talk through 2 really common dirty pain thoughts that people have about rejection or break-ups, and I’m putting them both under the category of Scarcity Beliefs.
And I’ll add a little note here - a lot of my clients also would make their partners leaving mean things about them - that they’re not good enough or loveable etc, but today we’re just focusing on the scarcity beliefs. I’ve done other episodes on the other beliefs and will definitely do more in the future - but we’re just going to really concentrate on these today. So I’m going to start with talking about the 2 dirty pain beliefs - and then I’m going to offer 3 new beliefs to work on that will be the antidote to overcoming those fears.
Okay so scarcity belief number 1- If this relationship ended, I wouldn’t be able to be happy with somebody else. Now this belief comes in a variety of flavours. It could be that I wouldn't be able to connect with someone in the same way. It could be I wouldn’t be able to find someone that liked me. It could be that there are specific things you like about your partner and your brain is saying you couldn’t find those specific things in somebody else. It could be that you believe the dating pool is small and that all the good partners are taken.
So I want you to reflect for a moment on what YOUR brain’s version of this is. Do you relate to one of these more than the others? Or perhaps to a combination of them? The most important thing to do first of all is become aware of the belief. This belief is a big part of the reason you’re so afraid of your relationship ending. And trying to convince your partner to be faithful or never leave, or just wrestling with the anxiety whenever it comes up, won’t actually change the underlying problem - unless you challenge and change THAT belief.
As long as your brain is believing that if this relationship ends, you wouldn’t be able to be happy with someone else - you will always be afraid of your relationship ending. And I’m going to repeat that because it’s really important. As long as your brain is believing that if this relationship ends, you wouldn’t be able to be happy with someone else - you will always be afraid of your relationship ending.
So really take a moment to get curious about the belief your brain is insisting is true. Why do you believe you couldn’t be happy with somebody else? And your brain will likely offer you a whole bunch of evidence to prove it true. Maybe it’ll say well you dated for X number of years before you found this person. Or think of that friend you have that’s single and struggling to find a decent person - that’s PROOF that the dating pool is small and hopeless. And something we need to avoid at all costs.
But here’s a little secret. Your brain is not assessing your actual ability to find another partner and reporting it back to you factually. Your brain is actually skewing the data. It’s focusing on all the evidence that proves this scarcity belief true and ignoring any and all evidence that suggests the opposite could be true. Because this is exactly what brains do with our beliefs. They subconsciously scan for evidence of them, and dismiss information that contradicts them. And I’ll tell you a story about one of my past clients who I coached on this.
She was terrified of her partner breaking up with her, because she had the belief that she’d never be able to find someone she connected with like she did with him. And when I asked her why she believed that, she said she’d been single for 9 years before she finally met him. But when we really looked at what had been happening over those 9 years - she admitted she’d been in training to be a doctor for the majority of that time and hadn’t spent any actual time trying to date or taking dating very seriously at all.
Then when she HAD actually decided to take dating seriously and really commit to putting herself out there and trying to find someone - it had taken her like 6 months. Now that’s not me saying that’s the aim or the normal amount of time it takes. Some people could meet someone in a month, someone could be going on dates for years before they find someone they like and want to commit to. But my point here is - her brain was presenting the data as ‘it took almost 10 years for you to meet one person you liked’ when in reality, she hadn’t been looking for someone she liked for 10 years. The data was totally skewed.
Another client of mine had a similar belief. And when we challenged her brain’s evidence - she again said that she had been dating unsuccessfully for years. And when we questioned this, she realised she’d actually not been putting herself out there much at all. Over the past few years she’d download the apps, go on for a month or so, maybe go on one date, then give up, delete the apps, and not bother again for another few months. Her half-hearted approach and huge stints of time giving up and not trying - were of course messing with her end result of finding someone she connected with.
But again - her brain presented the data as ‘You’ve dated for years and not found anyone, therefore there is no one good out there.’ This is so so important to notice, because these beliefs will feel so so true. And if we don’t slow down to actually consider how they may not be true and challenge them - we create so much unnecessary pain and anxiety.
And I was coaching a client on this a week or so ago and an objection came up which has come up with a few other clients of mine. And the objection her brain had to challenging this belief was - ‘If I believe I could be happy with someone else, if this relationship ends, that makes this relationship less special or important or somehow dampens my feelings for my current partner.’ On some level, she didn’t want to believe she could create happiness with someone else IF this relationship ended, because she felt like that was being disloyal to her current partner.
But that’s another idea we really need to challenge. And I know exactly where it comes from. Society teaches us these ideas of the one true love, think of disney films and rom coms, and we hear songs on the radio about love that talk about true love being the idea that you would die without that other person. It’s a narrative we’ve been absorbing since we were old enough to know what love was. So of course this then seeps into the way we think about our adult relationships. We think that loving this person means being miserable and heartbroken for the rest of your life if things end.
But what if that was all bullshit? What if you could love your partner so so much and be fully invested in it and want it to work out more than anything AND know that if the relationship ends, you would be okay? What if those two ideas weren’t contradictory but actually fit perfectly together. Because let’s be honest, when you’re currently believing that you couldn’t be happy with someone else if this ended - do you feel an overwhelming feeling of love and joy? Or do you just feel afraid? See - this belief isn’t actually generating love, it’s just creating fear. Believing you couldn’t survive without your partner doesn’t make you love them more, it just makes your moments with them now tinged with anxiety.
Okay moving on to scarcity belief number 2 that I often see is - If this relationship ends, I wouldn’t have enough time to meet someone else or have a family or I’d be too old. And it’s definitely more my female clients that have this belief. We have been spoon fed the belief all of our lives that we are running out of time, the sand is running out in the hour glass - and that we need to act FAST before we run out of time and become lonely old maids. Now - don’t get me wrong. Of course there are actual facts to do with biology when it comes to having children and the rates of success etc - but even those facts aren’t actually the be all and end all and aren’t ultimately always true.
I’ve had so many women tell me if they’ve not met the person they want children with by the time they’re 30 then they’ve ran out of time. But I know of 40 year olds having children. Or 50 year olds who are adopting children. So whatever that imaginary age or time frame is that you’ve got in your mind - again, you really need to take a step back and consider the validity of what your brain is telling you. What is the magic number or age or deadline your brain has placed on this? And why?
For one of my clients, she is constantly afraid of her partner leaving her - and she said in one of our last sessions that if they broke up she’d be too old to find anyone else. And when I asked her what age is the cut off point to find a new relationship - she couldn’t really tell me. She had the belief she was too old, but she couldn’t tell me the exact rule on when someone becomes too old and why that was. It was again, just a belief she’d absorbed by society that wasn’t actually a fact. There are 60 year olds falling in love and finding new romantic partners. There are 70 year olds, 80 year olds! But just notice how your brain is committed to proving its scarce belief true.
My client said that although it was true people could find love when they’re older - she believed the dating pool was smaller and no one would find her attractive. Those beliefs are far from facts and are so so painful. Why couldn’t someone find her attractive at 50? Were there other 50 year olds newly single looking for someone their age to connect with? What evidence is there of other people that age going out and creating amazing relationships? And I actually set her the homework of researching that - literally heading to google to find stories of people who have met and fallen in love later in life. Just to counteract her brain’s narrative that it couldn’t be done.
And again - this idea of the dating pool being smaller. Small or large is an opinion - but if you were to really look at the facts of how many people exist in the world, or in your nearby cities and towns that are the gender you’re interested in dating and within a certain age range you’re looking for - I think it’s unlikely we’re down to like 3 options. There are likely hundreds, if not thousands of people out there. And you only need ONE. Unless you’re polymorous which maybe means you’d like to find a few - but even then - you don’t need A LOT of people.
Some of my clients will say - but my current partner has X, Y, or Z quality and I just don’t think I’d ever find that again. Again - this is your brain in scarcity. And sure - there are things about your partner that are unique to them. So no - you would never find an exact replica of them. But that doesn’t mean you couldn’t find someone with different qualities - a different blend of positive and negative traits that you also find appealing and could also enjoy loving.
Whatever your brain’s version of this is - I want you to get in the habit of labelling it as ‘scarcity’. Call it out. And then consider: What might someone think who believed the opposite to this? What might someone be believing that felt abundant? Which leads me nicely to my next point.
I want to offer you 3 beliefs to try to shift to to counteract your brain’s scarcity tendencies. And number 1 is the world is an abundant place. There are billions of us on this planet. There are billions of people that you have no idea exist. Think about the version of you before you met your current partner - you had no idea they existed before you met them. Just think of all the people you also have no idea exist that could also be amazing partners IF this relationship doesn’t work out.
And your brain will want to fight me on this. That’s okay. But I want you to assign your brain the task of looking for the truth in what I’m saying. What evidence is there that there are people all around you that you could connect with if you ever needed to? And what if you could lean into that belief that IF this doesn’t work out, maybe you could find another amazing partner?
Okay number 2 - your ability to connect with others comes from you not them. Right now you’re giving your partner all the credit for your feelings of happiness and connection. So you believe if they disappear or end the relationship, you won’t be able to feel those things again. But your ability to connect with another human doesn’t come from them. It comes from you. It’s your ability. Your thoughts about the other humans creates the way you feel for them. So consider that truth - that your ability to love others is always there, because you always have the ability to think loving thoughts about them. Just like right now you think wonderful, loving thoughts about your partner - IF the relationship ever ended, you’d still have the ability to think similar thoughts about somebody else.
And there is no deadline on those feelings. You don’t get to a certain age and stop being able to generate connections. There is no cut off point. You can create love and connection with other humans on this planet, whatever age you are. And if this relationship ends - decide, how would I love to show up to do that? What would I do? Where would I go? How would I intentionally create more connections with other humans if this relationship ended?
And number 3 - You are the one responsible for your results. Now that may sound like I’m nagging you - but I promise this is empowering, so stay with me. No - you can’t control if your partner chooses to end the relationship. But whether being single equals a life of doom and gloom, no new connections, no happiness, and wallowing at home alone OR getting out there, meeting new amazing people, seeing friends, putting yourself out there and reclaiming your life - is totally up to you.
Right now your scarcity beliefs are painting the picture of doom and gloom. It’s convincing you that IF this relationship ends, there’s no other way it could look but miserable and lonely forever. But you are the one that gets to decide that. You are responsible for your results.
And the problem with a scarcity mindset is it will skew your results and give you a negative experience. If you believe you can only be happy with your partner, and there’s no one else out there for you - if they ever did break up with you, it would likely take you a lot longer to move on and create another amazing connection - because you’ve been telling yourself it’s hopeless and doesn’t exist. So why bother? You will create the result of loneliness and scarcity because that’s what you believe.
I was coaching a client on this too about how she was afraid to feel lonely if she was single. She had this doom and gloom image of being single, sat alone at home, no connection, feeling terrible. But that is the result of a scarcity mindset and believing that you aren’t able to go and create an amazing life. You can be single and enjoy so much connection and love from friends and family, and when you’re ready - go out there and find another amazing romantic partner.
And you can decide today that IF this relationship does ever end - you will grieve it of course, but then you will bounce back and make the most out of life. You will believe there’s amazing people out there and go out there and find them! You won’t give up and create a reality of misery, you’ll believe in the reality of abundance and love and connection and so THAT is what you’ll create.
We don’t need to convince your brain that your partner is never going to leave you in order for you to not be so anxious all of the time. We just need to convince your brain that you would be okay and thrive EVEN if they did.
Okay guys - that’s all I’ve got for you today! And if this resonated with your brain, I will be able to teach you how to properly use and apply thought work tools to your own life in my 12 week group coaching programme - Master Your Relationship Mind Drama.
This programme is where you’re going to finally learn how to overcome your anxious brain’s tendencies and create genuine feelings of security and confidence - even in the uncertainty that is human relationships! The latest round has been amazing and the next round is going to be even better! So you do not want to miss it! If you have any questions at all - my email address is in the show notes or come find me on Instagram and ask me any questions at all.
And, as always, If you’re loving this podcast, please could you do a little something for me? Could you give it a rating on whatever platform it is you’re listening from? That would mean the absolute world to me and keep me reaching more and more people with this work! I hope you all have lovely weekends, and I will speak to you all next week - bye!